Heart Like Mine

by Maggie McGinnis

  Megan gathered the folders, placing them back in the file boxes. “If you’re wondering, she has barely slept or eaten all week. I couldn’t even get her to eat a donut this morning, and I have a feeling even you know how much she loves donuts.”

  He swallowed, remembering her laughing in the passenger seat of his truck, powdered sugar on her chin.

  “I’m just saying. You’ve ruined donuts for her.” Megan shrugged. “This is not a small thing.”

  She was silent for a long moment, then stood up to go. “She wasn’t using you, Dr. Mackenzie. And she wasn’t lying to you. That’s what I thought you needed to know—what she’s been trying to tell you, but you haven’t let her.”

  Josh stood up and paced toward the wall, his head spinning. His eyes caught on a photo he’d added to his little gallery just days ago—one of Delaney and Charlotte grinning in matching goofy braids.

  He thought back to the first day Delaney had arrived on the floor, looking more like a scared kitten than a hospital executive, and then he stared at the picture. He thought of the brave face she’d tried to put on after Ian’s emergency, the terror Millie had reported had been in her eyes as she’d hung on to Ian’s bed, the way she’d melted in his arms at the lake.

  He swallowed, turning around. Megan stood quietly, looking at the floor, arms crossed. Then he cleared his throat. “Have I—been an idiot?”

  “Yes.” She smiled sadly.

  “How is she—generally … with idiots?”

  Megan’s face sobered. “She has limited experience.”

  He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. “Is she here today?”

  “No. She decided to take the rest of the day off—get some space.”

  “Any idea where she might be?”

  “I’m not sure.” Megan shrugged. “The lake is always a good guess.”

  “Megan, the lake is twenty miles around.”

  She raised her eyebrows in challenge. “Then I guess you’d better get going.”

  Josh glanced into the hallway, where normal chaos had resumed. The floor was crazy busy. He couldn’t just—leave. He had patients—a full floor of them. And yet, for the first time ever, he knew they weren’t his first priority.

  They couldn’t be.

  “I need to go find her.”

  Megan nodded. “Agreed.”

  Just then Millie poked her head in. “Hey. Dr. Hart’s at the nurses’ station. She says Therese called her in to cover for you, but Therese says she did no such thing. You know anything about this?”

  Josh felt his eyebrows come together, and then he noticed Megan was looking suddenly very interested in her manicure.

  He pointed to her. “Do you know anything about this?”

  “Why would I know anything about this?” She smiled, rolling her eyes, her impression of Therese’s Boston accent dead-on.

  Millie turned on her. “Did you call Dr. Hart? Why?” Then she seemed to notice the cart full of files. “What in the world is all this stuff?”

  Josh sent a look Megan’s way. “Paperwork I needed to see.”

  “Looks like a fire hazard waiting to happen.”

  “Maybe, but I need to look through it.” He fingered the folders. “All of it. Millie, tell Dr. Hart we need her for the rest of the day. I need to—go.”

  Millie backed into the hallway, her eyebrows high. “Go?”

  “Yeah. Go.” He grabbed his keys, kissing her on the cheek as he sidled past her. “I don’t want to be a lonely old man when I grow up.”

  Chapter 34

  “Has anybody ever told you why they named this Kizilla Mountain?”

  Joshua’s voice came from behind Delaney, startling her so much that she almost fell off the giant boulder she was sitting on. She hadn’t seen another human the entire time she’d hiked up the mountain. What in the world was he doing here?

  Before she could answer—or even snap her jaw back to its normal position—he’d slid his backpack off and hefted himself up beside her. She eyed him warily while he pulled out his water bottle and took a long swallow as he looked out over the tops of the firs toward Echo Lake down below.

  She closed her eyes, trying to tamp down a spark of possibility that had ignited at the sound of his voice. It was three o’clock on a Friday afternoon, he had a full floor of patients, and yet—he was here, on top of a mountain … with her.

  She took a breath. “Why do they call it Kizilla Mountain?”

  He smiled. “Comes from the Abenaki. It means maybe.”

  “Maybe Mountain?” She felt her eyebrows furrow. “I don’t get it.”

  “Because it’s not really big enough to be a mountain, but it’s too big to call a hill. So?” He shrugged. “Maybe Mountain.”

  Delaney smiled. She’d been climbing Kizilla since she’d moved here, but had never known what it meant. Apparently the ancient Abenaki had a sense of humor.

  “Nice day for a hike.” Joshua nodded, looking her way. “Much better than being at work.”

  She eyed him suspiciously. “You’re never—not at work.”

  “I know.” He was silent for a long moment, and then he turned to her. “Maybe I’ve never had a good-enough reason not to be.”

  The spark sputtered into a teeny-tiny flame.

  “I owe you an apology, Delaney.” He shifted his body so he was looking straight at her, but he didn’t move to touch her. “I hope that you’ll hear me out, and I really hope you won’t push me off this giant rock at least till after I have a chance to say what I need to.”

  She smiled feebly and rolled her eyes. “Pretty sure I have enough to think about without adding murder to the list.”

  “Thank you.” He looked down. “I might have preferred to have this conversation at sea level, though. Just saying.”

  “How did you find me?”

  “I had a little help. Megan pointed me to the lake.”

  Her eyebrows furrowed. “The lake is kind of big. How’d you find me here?”

  “I remembered you pointing up here when we were canoeing. Took a chance.” He smiled. “Lucked out when I saw your car.”

  “Does Millie know you’re gone?”

  “Yes.” He took a deep breath. “Can I get to the apologizing part?”

  “Carry on.” She couldn’t help letting a tiny smile erupt. He looked so gorgeously forlorn sitting there that she was hard-pressed not to just put her arms around him and make her own apologies first.

  “What is it you’re sorry for, Joshua?”

  He smiled ruefully. “The list is kind of long.”

  They sat in silence for a few moments, and Delaney could practically hear the words flying around inside his head, trying to organize themselves into some semblance of order. She had a feeling they resembled the chaos inside her own brain right now.

  She’d hiked up the mountain faster than her best-ever time, and the entire way up, she’d known her speed was fueled by fury and disappointment, which had somehow replaced the abject sadness that had attacked her throughout the night.

  Since then, she’d been sitting here in the sun, a mountain breeze playing with her hair, her thoughts warring with one another inside her head. She’d expected answers to be clearer up here where there were no distractions, but as hard as she tried, she still couldn’t figure out what to do.

  For most of her childhood, she’d watched her parents build walls in a vain attempt to protect their hearts from further destruction, and she’d internalized that technique, to an extreme degree. When med school had bombed, she’d been lost. She’d had plans, dammit. Her research was going to cure the kind of heart problem Parker had died from. Or her new surgical technique was going to have families crying in relief, rather than grief. Her mission had been to do something big enough to prevent other families from ripping apart at the seams.

  And she’d failed.

  But then she’d discovered finance, and had realized that it was a different way to effect change—a better way, maybe, at least for her. If
she couldn’t do the work, at least she could help figure out how to fund it.

  Two years and a fresh MBA degree later, she’d headed into her first executive office, intent on changing the world. She’d dress in nice clothes, she’d decorate a nice office, and she’d make her difference on a daily basis, without ever touching the pain that went along with working directly with patients. It was perfect.

  But now, here she was, after two weeks on a patient floor, wondering if she’d missed the boat this entire time. Here she was, after three weeks of knowing Joshua Mackenzie, wondering if she’d ever really known her own heart.

  A breeze came up, sending her hair flying over her face, and he reached up to brush it gently back over her ear. She closed her eyes, fighting not to melt into his hand.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t call you back, Delaney. I’m sorry I didn’t have the decency to hear you out. And I’m insanely sorry that I let somebody like Kevin McConnell fill my head with lies I knew couldn’t possibly be true.”

  “I never lied to you, Joshua.”

  “I know. I knew. I just didn’t … know … that I knew.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “That doesn’t make sense.”

  “It does.” She took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I hurt you. The qualities I admire in you are the same ones I threw in your face. It was despicable.”

  “It was honest. You were just being dead honest.” He shook his head, looking out over the trees. “And scared, I imagine.”

  She didn’t answer.

  “I never wanted you to be scared, Delaney.”

  “I know,” she whispered. “It’s not your fault.”

  “Do you think there’s any chance we could rescind Tuesday’s conversation and—I don’t know—maybe find our footing again?”

  She wanted to say yes—wanted it more than anything in the world right now, but if she did, they’d be right back in the same place. She had no idea what her life might look like a year from now, but she knew that in order for her to make a go of whatever her next step was, she needed to do it for the right reasons … not because it worked for somebody else.

  “I don’t know, Joshua. Part of me—a big part—wants to just fall into your arms, kiss you, and drag you back to Millie’s cabin for the weekend. But the smaller part of me says, ‘Whoa. Hang on there, Nellie. Let’s talk reality here.’” She sighed. “And for all the reasons I gave the other night, I just don’t think in the end, we’d … work.”

  She sighed. “I keep trying to fall for a pharmacist, or a teacher—a hardware-store guy, even. I’m looking for the nine-to-five guy, not the five-to-nine one.”

  A smile played at his lips. “I’m pretty good with a hammer.”

  She laughed and pointed at his thumb, which was still purple from his ill-fated attempt to dismantle the tree fort.

  “Evidence says otherwise, doc.”

  He raised his hand and slid it along her jaw, and she couldn’t help but lean into it, closing her eyes. It just felt so … perfect.

  “I’m maybe never going to be a nine-to-five guy, Delaney. But I could work toward eight to six, if you’d have me.”

  She smiled. “You say that—and I appreciate it—but it’s not your reality. You’re at the hospital at the crack of dawn, and you don’t leave till dark, unless you’re needed at Avery’s House.”

  “Maybe I’ve never had a reason to stay in bed in the morning.” He raised his eyebrows, and she felt heat travel downward. “Maybe I’ve never had a good reason to come home at night. Right now, I come home to a big, lonely house that’s populated only by memories.”

  He shrugged slowly. “They’re good ones, but they’re just—memories. I once thought I could never picture someone sharing that space with me—this life with me. But I was wrong. Dead wrong. Did you know I haven’t been able to sleep in my bed all week?”

  “Why not?”

  “Because it smells like you—your shampoo, your lotion, just … you.” He caressed his thumb along her jaw. “And thinking I’ve lost you before I ever really had you is killing me.”

  “Well, I haven’t had any problem sleeping at all,” she lied.

  “Bullshit.” He touched her cheek gently. “Charlotte would take one look at you right now and call for a makeup crew to get rid of those purple circles.”

  “Oh, Joshua.” She leaned into him. “What have we done?”

  “Pretty sure I’ve heard of it before, but I’m not sure I knew what it felt like.” He smiled, sliding his arm around her. “I don’t know about you, but I’ve spent the last three nights lying awake, wishing you were with me, and that’s something I’ve never had to deal with before.”

  “Me neither,” she whispered, and the admission made her feel like she was opening a raw wound, hoping he wouldn’t pour salt inside.

  “I know it’s way too soon to say I love you, because seriously? I didn’t even know you a month ago. It’s not supposed to be possible. It doesn’t work like that. Plus, I’m dead afraid you will give me a push if I say something so insane.”

  He took a deep breath. “But I’ve analyzed it from every angle I can see, and I can’t come up with any other explanation. I miss you. I can’t stand not being with you. I have been wandering around in a daze for two days, trying to figure out what the hell happened to my head … my heart. I feel like I want to change anything about me that doesn’t work for you … because I am dying here, Delaney.”

  He took both of her hands in his, and she let him. “Sweetheart, you gave me a taste of heaven, and I never, ever want to settle for anything less. If this isn’t love, then I can’t imagine what is.”

  Delaney looked out at the lake, trying to slow her pulse, which could have taken on a jackrabbit … and won. “I was never ever going to fall in love with a doctor.”

  “Understandable. Sorry lot, we are.” He brought her hand to his lips, kissing her fingers one by one. “Any chance I can convince you I’m different from the rest?”

  She tipped her head, trying desperately hard to stay calm in the face of his sweet, gorgeous words. “I don’t know.”

  “Can I at least try?”

  She studied his eyes, then drew her hand back and looked out at the trees, making him tip his head in question.

  “It’s not that easy.”

  “I—I know. I’m not under any delusion that it is.”

  “Joshua, I grew up in a big house with a big pool and a big playroom and a ton of toys, but I would have given it all up for a dad who could be home for dinner and read me a story at bedtime.” She looked at him. “I won’t ever sign my own children up for that sort of life.”

  “I know that. And you never should have to settle for that. I can’t stand here and tell you everything will change immediately, because it won’t—and because you wouldn’t believe me, anyway. But I can promise that you make me want to.” He kissed her softly. “You make me have to, and it’s the best feeling I’ve ever known.”

  He reached up to brush her hair back from her face, holding her like a porcelain vase that was this close to breaking.

  “Will you give me a chance, Delaney? Can you give me a chance to prove I can love you like you deserve to be loved?”

  She looked at him for a long moment, and every fiber of her brain urged her to say no. Every fiber of her heart pushed her to wrap her arms around him and say yes.

  “Kizilla,” she finally said.

  He nodded, a sad smile replacing his hopeful one.

  “Maybe.”

  Chapter 35

  “What are you doing for dinner tonight?” Joshua popped his head into Delaney’s office two days later, looking deliciously hot in a dark green shirt and tie.

  For two days, she’d ignored his calls. For two days, she’d left his voice mails sitting in her in-box. For two days, she’d played an avoidance game that—to her delight and dismay—had told her exactly what she needed to know.

  She was stupidly, accidentally, completely in love with the man.

  She just
hadn’t figured out what to do about it yet.

  “I’m working, unfortunately.” She pointed at her computer screen, full of files she was using to compile an initial proposal for how pediatrics might be able to best use Oscar’s generous bequest.

  “Would the word Bellinis make you change your mind on that?”

  “You play dirty, mister.”

  He smiled. “I know.”

  She looked at the clock. “What are you doing leaving already? It’s only six o’clock.”

  “I am practicing my new, improved, priorities-in-the-right-place lifestyle.”

  She laughed. “I see.”

  “It’s funny.” He sat down in her guest chair. “When I said, ‘I’m leaving,’ no one actually—cared. Millie practically pushed me to the elevator.”

  “Maybe she’s glad to see you try a normal schedule?”

  He shrugged. “Or she’s just sick of me. Either way, I’d love to take you out to dinner, if you’d let me.”

  “Is Mama B making chicken and mostaccioli tonight?”

  “She will for you.”

  * * *

  Four hours later, her stomach deliciously full of Italian yumminess, Delaney took Joshua’s hand as he drove up the dirt road that led to the bluff over Echo Lake. It was dark, but this time, she found comfort in the privacy the woods offered as they parked in the clearing. He came around to her side of the truck and lifted her down, pausing to kiss her, then putting one hand over her eyes.

  “Close your eyes. I have a surprise.”

  He pulled her a few steps, then let go. Then she heard a match, and when she opened her eyes, Joshua was fanning a small campfire in the middle of the clearing.

  “Did you—come out here earlier?” In the growing firelight, now she could see a tent and cooler behind her. Her stomach took a leap. Was he hoping they’d stay the night out here by the lake?

  She was almost surprised to realize she was completely okay with that.

  “I did. But just because it’s all set up to be the most romantic night ever out here, there’s absolutely no pressure to stay.”

  She smiled at his sincere-yet-joking tone. “Noted.”