White Girl Problems

by Tara Brown

  My heart stopped.

  Aiden.

  He didn’t meet my eyes or smile. In fact, it would have appeared like we were strangers. Like I wasn't wearing a ring he had given me on my friggin’ finger.

  I smiled at Jack, but my lips pressed tight. I held out a hand. “Jack, I wanted you and Millie to meet my sister.” I could feel the tears starting so I looked down. “Jess, these are my favorite people here in this room. All of them.” I swallowed the lump in my throat and turned. “But I can see you’re busy. I just wanted to say good-bye. I’m going home tomorrow.”

  Aiden’s back straightened, but I buried my face in Jack’s shoulder and hugged him. A tear escaped. “I’ll miss you.”

  He smiled back, wiping my tear with his shaking thumb. “And I you. You have made this the best summer we have had here. Thank you for letting us know you.” He turned to my sister. “It is so nice to meet one of Finley’s sisters. She is so wonderful.”

  Jess nodded. “I know. She is. It’s nice to meet you.”

  Millie shuffled over to the door and hugged me. “Good-bye, my sweet girl.”

  I sniffled. “Thank you for teaching me backgammon.”

  She laughed. “Thank you for letting me win.”

  I took one last breath of her and turned away. “Excuse me.” I ran for the office and closed the door and locked it tight.

  Why was Aiden in their room? How long had he been there? Why hadn’t he called me? Why hadn’t he smiled or even met my eyes when I came to the room?

  I slumped into the chair and did something I hadn’t done in weeks. I Googled Facebook. Linna’s page was gone, but I had over a hundred notifications. My page was full of people who had guessed I was in rehab or juvie when it was Linna’s page. Now on mine they were telling me how sorry they were for me.

  It didn’t make me feel better. I signed out and went to her Twitter. Her feed was filled with people saying cruel things about her. The people who had laughed it up with her about my social demise were loving hers. Aaron’s status was “heartbroken” and I almost gagged.

  The doorknob twisted back and forth, interrupting my train of thought. “Fin, open up.” Aiden’s voice was different. He was angry. Why was he angry? Jesus.

  I couldn’t look at the door and I didn’t move. The knob clicked for a couple seconds and then the door opened. He walked in, looking no different than he had when he left, and closed the door. His eyes searched my fingers, landing on the ring. I looked down at the red stone. It felt like it was burning my finger. I pulled it off and tossed it at him softly. “I can’t keep this.”

  He let it hit his abdomen and fall to the floor. “I would have called, but it was an emergency trip. I hadn’t planned on coming over, and I wasn't certain you wanted to see me.”

  What did that even mean? Of course I wanted to see him. Why was he being so weird? I shrugged as if it was all nothing. “It’s cool. You don’t owe me any explanation.”

  His eyes flicked to the computer behind me. His gaze narrowed and he looked back at me. “Is it because of him?”

  I looked back at Aaron’s Twitter page and shook my head. “Is what?”

  “The reason you’re acting so weird.”

  “I’m acting weird?” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “You’ve acted like you liked me more than that even. You planned out crazy field trips for me and got me that ring from the antique store. You hand wrote me letters. You set up dinner between your cousin and me. And then you can’t even be bothered to call or get Hattie to tell me you’re here? I go to the door and you can’t be bothered to look me in the eyes or even just say hi or introduce yourself to my sister. I could tell you didn’t want me to find you here. You wanted to pretend you were in England still.”

  “I’m not—”

  I put up a hand. “I don’t care.” I got up and walked to the door. He stepped in my way, blocking it. I sighed. “I need to go home.”

  “Why didn’t you write me back?”

  I looked up into his eyes. They were filled with emotion. I didn’t understand him at all. Friggin’ spaz. “I have to go.”

  His jaw tightened and his gaze stayed focused on my lips. He shook his head. “There is something I have to do first.” He dropped to his knee and picked up the ring. He took my right hand and slipped it on. “I want you to have this.”

  I cupped his face, regardless of everything else, and pulled it to mine. I closed my eyes and let the feeling of his soft lips against mine take away everything else.

  He parted my lips gently, pressing his face into mine more. His tongue caressed my lips, tickling against them with soft caresses. I could feel we were both holding back. The kiss was soft and sweet and slow. His hands were where I felt his need for me. His fingers pressed into my back, pulling me into him. My hands slid up his warm cheeks to his hair. There was no sound but our desperate hearts beating against each other’s chests. I whispered against his lips, “I have to go.”

  I brushed past him and left the office. There were too many things going on. I walked back to the main foyer to find Jess and Hattie. They both gave me a sad look. I smiled. “Let’s go.”

  In the car, Hattie sighed. “Millie is dying. The nurse just told me. She’s being taken to the hospice side of the home tomorrow. They think she is in liver failure. She refused to go tonight. Probably because Aiden is there. She will want to have one last night with him.”

  That was why he hadn’t looked at me? He had just learned Millie was dying?

  I felt sick. I wanted to tell her to turn the car around, but I knew he needed to spend the time with them. I knew what I needed to do.

  When I got to the house, I went to my room to pack. I grabbed the journal I had been writing in and carried it down the hall to Hattie. “Can you give this to Aiden for me tomorrow?”

  She glanced at it. “What is it?”

  A smile crept across my lips. “Well, I started to write him back after the first letter, and I didn’t know where to stop. So I just kept writing. It’s like one stupidly long letter. I just don’t want him to think I didn’t write back.”

  She nodded. “I’d be happy to. I know he was upset about it.”

  “How did you know that?”

  “His Uncle Jack told me.”

  I paused. “Jack is his uncle?”

  She looked lost. “He never told you he was here visiting them?”

  I scowled. “I thought he worked there!”

  She laughed. “Oh my. You are a funny girl. No. Jack is his uncle—”

  I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter. Can you just give it to him?” My heart was breaking. He had just learned his beloved aunt was dying, and I was pissed he didn't run and hug and kiss me. I threw his ring at him? I was an asshole.

  Hattie winked. “Of course.”

  The sign of a true white girl is the amount of hours spent learning to twerk while acting like it is your first time trying.

  Chapter Eight

  Et tu, Linna?

  The plane rides home were quiet. Jess sat looking like she might cry, and I felt like I might get sick. She was pretty sure her mom knew it was her who leaked the recording. I knew I would miss Hattie. I had agreed I would work at the home next summer but was worried about who would be left and sad that my last kiss and hug from Millie would really be my last. Millie was actually dying and my heart was breaking about that. It felt bigger than flying home and confronting everything.

  I hoped that my journal would mend the hole I had created by not writing Aiden back and throwing his ring at him. I felt awful that he was so angry about it. That was the problem with social media; you felt like you were part of people’s lives even when you weren’t. I forgot how gratifying it had been to receive something physical from a person. Everything was gift cards and instant messaging.

  People didn’t send you things anymore. I didn’t realize there had been an appropriate response time, but I hated that I’d hurt him when he was already hurting so bad.

 
When we landed, my dad was at the airport. He looked worn and old. His eyes darted from me to Jess. “I owe you both an apology.”

  Jess looked at me. “Me? Why?”

  He sighed and looked at me. “I never should have let her make me send you away, Fin. Can you forgive me?”

  I nodded. I wasn’t sure I could actually forgive, but I could move on. I had been having a blast in Canada. In fact, the minute I saw him, I missed it, like it was my home. I missed the old people who had made me feel so loved.

  His eyes darted to Jess. “Your mother has ransacked your room. I should have stopped her. She is acting crazy. She thinks it was you that leaked the recording of her and Suzzy.”

  Jess gulped. “It was me.”

  He winced. “Why would you let that go viral?”

  I stepped forward. “Are you kidding me? Sheila has people on the East Coast thinking I cut myself and do crack. Screw her.”

  He sighed. “My life is hard enough right now.”

  I started laughing and looked at Jess. She shook her head. “Let’s just go home.”

  He put up a hand. “I’ve fired the maid and told your mom that it was her who did it, not you. She believes me, but your room is trashed, what with not having a maid anymore.”

  Jessica sighed and walked past him. I followed.

  I couldn’t lie. Knowing Sheila had done that to me, I had hoped he would have kicked her out. I had a small glimmer of hope that he would have chosen me.

  What did it matter?

  When we got home, I felt sick. I reached over and took Jess’s hand. “Thank you.”

  She looked at me, her blue eyes filled with tears and her lower lip trembling. “If she kicks me out, will you come with me?”

  I nodded. “I will and he will pay for it.”

  Dad turned around and nodded. “I will.” He climbed out of the SUV, leaving us sitting there like we were the guilty ones.

  Jess sighed. “I can’t believe he wouldn’t just leave her.”

  “Me either. I’m assuming she has something decent on him, and he has no choice.”

  “Do you love that Aiden guy?”

  I nodded. “I think so.”

  “He’s hot.” She looked down at my hand in hers. “Did he give you that?”

  “Yeah.”

  “It looks like a locket ring—one of those old ones from the Victorian age where they snuck secrets to each other.”

  It made me smile. “He found it at an antique shop in Nova Scotia.”

  She opened the door. “At least you have Hattie’s.”

  I grabbed her arm as she stepped out. “We have Hattie’s. She would never turn you away.”

  She smiled. “I’m going to go and see if Mr. Stinky is okay.” I winced. If Sheila harmed one piece of fur on that cat’s back, I was murdering her.

  Fortunately, when we got inside, Mr. Stinky was fine. He was meowing like he might be starving, but beyond that, he was good. Suzzy had gone back to New Mexico and Sheila was hiding in her room. She was sobbing and devastated that someone would take a fake video like that and make her look evil. Dad gave me a look. “She is ashamed you would believe such a thing of her.”

  I rolled my eyes and slipped up the stairs to my room. I called Hattie right away, forgetting it was a four-hour time difference. She answered, sounding groggy. “Hello?”

  “Hi. You said to call when I got in.”

  She sighed deeply. “That’s just something people say, kid, like how are you.”

  I laughed. “Did you give Aiden my journal?”

  “Yup. He seemed really excited.”

  “Is Millie okay?”

  “She’s a trooper.”

  I smiled. “You wanna go back to sleep?”

  “Yup. Night.”

  “Night, Hattie. Thanks again for everything.”

  “Name your firstborn after me.” She clicked the phone off before I could say no. It made me smile. Hattie wasn’t a cool name. Not at all.

  I lay back on my bed and looked at the room. Everything was the same. My phone was on the dresser, my laptop was on the desk, and my clothes were neatly put away. Nothing had changed in seven weeks. But I had.

  Summer was almost over and senior year was about to start, and I didn't know who I was anymore.

  I got up and grabbed my cell phone. I wanted Aiden’s email or his text or his phone. I wanted to talk to him. I drummed my fingers against my cell phone. There was nothing to do. I could Google him? I turned on the phone and checked my Twitter. My FaceTime went off with a call from Aaron.

  I answered, “Hey.”

  He smiled. The room he was in looked dark. “Hey! You home?”

  I nodded. “Yeah. Just got home.”

  “I’ve been trying your phone at five-minute intervals for two hours.”

  I laughed. “That’s bananas.”

  “I’ll be there in five. Bring a swimsuit.”

  “Okay.” I jumped up and threw on my white swimsuit. My bag smelled like Hattie’s house. I smelled the stuff and closed my eyes. I just wanted to go home, back to Hattie’s.

  I ran from the room and opened Jessica’s door. Her room was a disaster. All her shit was smashed and broken. My jaw dropped. The mess was awful, but in the middle of the room was her bridge. She had won the contest in drafting for bridge building. I had drunk my ass off with Linna and skipped it. I failed the class, but I remembered Jess being nerdy excited about the bridge. She was on the floor, holding the pieces of it. She looked up at me. “She knows. She went for the heart of the room.”

  I shook my head. “Get your swimsuit on. We’re leaving now.”

  She didn’t hesitate. She got up and started rifling through the piles of her ripped clothes and torn keepsakes. I closed the door and she was out in a moment, dressed and ready to go.

  We ran down the stairs and out the door. We were getting close again. It had taken her a while to catch up in some ways, but I think the most growth had come from me.

  I waved at Aaron, but he jumped out of his truck and ran to me, scooping me up. He nestled his face in my neck. “I’m so sorry, Fin. I had no idea Linna was such a scheming whore.”

  I shook my head, patting his brawny shoulder with my flat hand. “It’s cool. Really.” I just didn't want to talk about it.

  He put me down on the cement and pulled me back. “I missed you so bad.”

  The smile on my face was pasted there. I didn’t know what to say—I hadn’t missed him. I’d had a blast and met someone who made me feel like we were the only people in the world.

  His eyes were full of something. “You’re okay, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You seem different.”

  A peaceful look floated across my face. “I know. I am different. I’m happy.” He looked hurt, but his happiness had never been my responsibility or my concern. I couldn’t change the fact I’d transformed inside and out.

  He gave Jess a nod. “Hey!”

  She waved. “Hey.”

  He nodded at the truck. “Let’s go.” We climbed in. He kept trying to touch me—resting his hand on mine, brushing his leg against mine, and reaching for things, connecting with me.

  I ignored it. I didn’t want to encourage him.

  “So your mom is evil, huh?”

  “Yeah. She’s lost it. She doesn’t do defeat, not well anyway. She’s hiding in the house.”

  He winced. “Yikes, dude. I heard the maid was spying on her and Suzzy. That’s brutal. Who expects their maid is gonna launch a campaign against them?”

  I laughed and looked back at Jess. She still looked sick. "The poor woman lost her job."

  He whistled as he turned to the right and parked in Carter’s driveway. “I should hope so. That’s seriously bad.”

  I stopped listening to them both. My stomach was on fire.

  I was returning to the scene of the crime. My mouth was dry and my head was spinning as I climbed out after Jess. She and Aaron talked while I walked to the bright-red rose bushe
s off to the side of the house. I looked down at the scar still marring my wrist and then at the bushes.

  “It was this one over here.”

  I looked at Carter, pointing at a huge rose bush with bright-orange roses. I winced. “I’m so sorry for breaking them.”

  He shook his head. “You were drugged by your mom and Linna, dude. No one blames you for that night. You got a raw deal.” He walked over and wrapped his huge arms around me, kissing the top of my head. “You look good, chica.”

  I smiled into his chest, “Thanks. You look exactly the same.”

  He pulled me back. “What? I gained five pounds of beef, baby. Not to mention, I got a tan.”

  I winked. “Sexy as ever.” It was creepy how fast I was slipping back into flirty mode. He was a safe person to flirt with though. We joked about things, Snapchatted, and messaged, but it was always in fun.

  He nodded. “Come upstairs and I’ll show you where I gained the five pounds.”

  I rolled my eyes. “You’re a loser.” He picked me up over his shoulder and carried me to the pool. “DON’T DO IT!” I was midair when I screamed it. The water wasn’t even that cold, but it was the shock of being tossed in that made me scream. I came up, grinning and splashing. “DICK!”

  He laughed and jumped in. He cannonballed right next to me, sending water shooting at me. I tried to swim away, but he grabbed my leg and pulled me under. I kicked and swam away, laughing and swimming for my life.

  He surfaced with a shit-eating grin. “Somebody’s been working out.”

  I laughed. “Working my ass off, not working out.”

  He cocked an eyebrow. “For real?”

  I nodded. “I got sent to my aunt’s and she made me work all summer.”

  He whistled. “Dayum. Your dad must have been pissed when he found out the truth.”

  I glanced at Jess chatting with Aaron still. “Less pissed than I would have thought.” When I looked back at him, I could see he got my drift. He wagged his eyebrows. “Let me test those muscles for you.”

  I laughed and swam to the stairs, but he had my foot and was dragging me back to the deep end before I could even try to get close to escaping. I could see the faces people were making when they looked at me.