White Girl Problems

by Tara Brown

  My nostrils flared and I felt the rage coming. “I AM NOT COMING WITH YOU!”

  He leaned right into my face. “YES, YOU ARE! You are going to learn that being a princess means that when you give your word, you honor it!” He scooped me up over his shoulder and turned and walked out of the house. I was kicking and flailing, but it was just like the last time. He carried me over to the snow and tossed me into a bank. He turned and walked back toward the house. “Come inside when you’ve cooled off and can act like a lady.”

  I was up and charging at him before I even realized it. Of course he did some kind of self-defense thing and spun me, turning me around and hugging me to him. “You want to tell me what this is about? You are acting like an insane person.”

  “You ambushed me and you’re trying to change me and you’re going to tell me what I have to be like and what my job will be and you have expectations for me. I don’t want that. I want to be free and choose for myself.”

  He sighed heavily. “I would never tell you what to do with your life. I am trying to make this transition into my life easier. My mother is… well. She’s sort of a bitch. My father is busy, my eldest brother is self-important, and my younger brothers and Mary are my close family. Mary agreed to come here and help you so that our mother has no reason to be cruel to you.”

  I looked up at him. “She might be?”

  He sighed. “Yes. She might very well be. She picked my brother’s wife and I have turned that offer down—”

  I cut him off. “You keep saying wife and being all intense about this dating stuff, like it’s some kind of choice we have to make tomorrow. I really like you. I love you, actually, but if I have to decide something like that now, I’m walking away. I can’t decide my whole future at seventeen. I’m not going to marry you. That’s insane. I haven’t even finished high school. I want to see the world and be outlandish and have fun.”

  His face was red. “You said the words I desperately wanted you to say and then stomped on my heart, all in the same moment. I got you this. I wanted to wait to give it to you at Christmas, but I think I need you to understand something.” He fished in his pocket and produced a ring box and pressed it into my hand.

  I looked at him. “This isn’t helping your cause.”

  He laughed. “Goddamn, you are the most infuriating girl I have ever met. Open it.”

  I scowled and opened the box. Inside was a red ring that resembled the last one, but it was smaller. It was a red oval again and surrounded by white stones and in a white-gold setting, but smaller.

  He pulled it out and took my right hand, slipping it on my ring finger. “I don’t know how we ended up meeting. Sometimes I think it’s like Jack and Millie. Sometimes I think God is against me. You are pigheaded, rude, and spoilt. You say the most bizarre things. YOLO winter? What does that even mean?”

  I pulled my hand away from his and snapped. “And you’re controlling and jealous, and you have this thing where you over explain everything and I never understand what you’re actually trying to say.”

  “YOU talk in CIRCLES when you want something and make me think I want it too or distract me from the thing I was actually annoyed about.”

  I snapped, “Then you know what it’s like to date YOU. You drive me insane, and I never know if you’re playing around or if I’m a fun diversion for the year.”

  “Then we ARE perfect for each other.”

  I could feel the confused look on my face as I stooped and shook my head. “SEE! You’re doing it again!”

  “Maybe if you would just let me FINISH ONE SENTENCE! At least I could have conversations! You and your friends spend an hour on the phone saying, ‘No way!’”

  “NOW—” I pointed at him. “We do not. I can have conversations.”

  He grabbed his hair. “Oh I’m sorry, I forgot to add the chestnut of that conversation—way. No way, way. No way, way. Who speaks that way? It’s like you’re actually high all the time.”

  “This from the guy who loves me soooooo much.” I started laughing. “Baby, I can feel the love. Can you feel mine?”

  He stepped toward me, looking down on me and vibrating. “Stop, I swear to God. Let me finish. I was trying to tell you that I know where I stand in all this. I am ready to give our relationship a chance. I’m not asking for marriage or even five years or even one year. I’m asking for a chance. YOU are the one who wants to try every flavor of ice cream in a harebrained attempt at being free. Do you know what free is? Only a silly, spoilt girl like you would risk getting into a good college by not applying soon enough in a way to show the world you are free. You have never seen tyranny; freedom is a concept you cannot grasp. Only a ridiculous little girl would possibly backpack Europe for a year to piss her father off. Being free isn’t ruining every good thing in your life, because you have to prove that you have the choice to do so. Freedom is choosing good things because you can. It’s choosing to be in control of your destiny by being open to possibility. YOU are the one who isn’t sure about us. This ring is from my heart. I love you! There, I said it without stuttering. Probably because I think I’m having a stroke. You drive me insane. I love you, but I also understand falling in love with you was a mistake, because I see now that you won’t ever love me the same way. You’re so determined not to be your mother and make the same mistake she did that you’re going to spend a long time refusing to try.”

  I could swear in the silence of the snow falling I heard my heart crack.

  He leaned his forehead against mine. “I am giving you this ring with nothing but good intentions. I wish I could convey the pain in my chest I felt when I knew you believed I had given you a whore’s ring. You believed I was capable of such an act? The ruby in this ring is called the heart’s ruby. It’s my heart in your hands. Do what you will with it, but I’m done trying to convince you my intentions aren’t some sinister and Machiavellian plan. I want the best for you, even if that’s not me.” He turned and walked away.

  I stood there, unsure of everything that had just happened. How was I the one who was uncertain when he was the one… Oh, what did it matter? I turned and ran to the house.

  Shit.

  I sprinted into the kitchen, fighting tears and biting my lip. Jess gave me a look. I ignored the fact a perfect stranger was in the room, and just asked, “Do you think I try too hard to not make the same mistake as my mom and our parents that I’m pushing away love?”

  She stopped making the cocoa and stared at me. She looked panicked for a second before she spoke. “Yes.”

  I started to cry. “I just don’t know how to not end up like them.”

  She shook her head. “You can’t. It’s not possible. Firstly, you’re not them. Secondly, we have the worst parents in the world. Your mother was an idiot. I know she’s dead and I’m sorry, but she was. She married a man she didn’t love because she was pregnant. That’s the dumbest thing I have ever heard of. Your father is a fool. He married a woman he got pregnant. He didn’t love her either. Then he married my mom as a great way to raise you without having to do the work. But karma bit his ass and he ended up with Sheila, the worst mother in the whole world. My mother is a joke. She is a shallow, evil, and petty person. Petty is her to a T. Hattie can say whatever she wants about the light in your mom dying, but she killed that light herself. She let it go out. Choosing something that makes you happy because it makes you happy is the only way to be happy.”

  Mary stood up. “Let me give you some space.”

  I shook my head. “No, stay. Please. I’m sorry, I’m just so worried about how serious this is getting with your brother.”

  She nodded. “He is serious. Everything about him has always been serious. But I will say, watching him plan those trips for you in Canada was a beautiful thing. He sparkled for the day. When the man phoned and told him how it went, he was over the moon. When he never got a letter back, he was anxious. Our eldest brother was getting married, and he was trying to find a way back to Canada.”

 
She sat back down at the counter and took her mug of cocoa Jess passed her. “When he discovered our mother’s cruel trick with the ring, tricking poor old Uncle Jack into convincing him to give you that one. Oh, I have never seen him so angry. Our father was devastated that our mother would do something so cruel.” She looked at me, and I saw so much of her brother in her face it hurt my chest, sucking the air from my lungs. “My brother loves you and he doesn’t really know how to do things slowly. He’s abrupt and controlling. You have to either see the good behind the intention or let him go.”

  I nodded. “Thanks.”

  Jess walked over and passed me a mug of cocoa too. She wrapped an arm around me. “I don’t think there’s any reason for you to make such a big deal about it all. Just relax and let it be something fun until it has to change or it’s no longer fun. Maybe you relaxing about all of it will make him relax too.”

  I turned and ran back for the front door. He was standing there, looking at the door. I smiled, but I couldn’t talk. My throat was burning from the lump in it.

  He took a step to me, wiping the tears from my cheeks. “I shouldn’t have said that about your mom.”

  “You were right. It’s why I never dated a single boy. I always said no and pushed away advances because deep down, I was scared. I knew that the relationship would get serious and the boy would want more than what I wanted to give.”

  His brow knit together. I reached for his cheeks, cradling them in my hands. “Except for you. I want more and I want to give more. I don’t like not having the control, but I think if we just take things slowly and have fun, it won’t seem like it’s going so fast.”

  The blue of his eyes was full of the things he wanted to say. I could see them there. It was like my dad’s eyes, only Aiden kissed my fingers and spoke softly, sharing the sadness in his eyes. “Just stop assuming the worst. When I tell you I’m in love with you or I want you to meet my family, please assume it’s done with the best of intentions.”

  I nodded, sniffling. “I will. And you have to trust me. I’m just a flirty girl. Carter doesn’t stand a chance. I’ve known him for almost two decades and he hasn’t won me over yet. You did it in a weekend.”

  His face lit up. He pulled me into him and brushed his lips against mine softly.

  It was a kiss filled with possibilities and freedom.

  If you say pumpkin spiced latte in the mirror three times, a white girl in yoga pants and a ponytail will jump out and tell you her favorite thing about fall.

  Har-har-har… Whatever

  Chapter Fifteen

  Shakespeare and Shit

  Linna looked back from the window of the helicopter we had boarded in Barcelona. “Are you excited yet?”

  I shook my head. “Still nervous.” The helicopter wasn’t making it better. I hadn’t realized it was a drive-in country only.

  “I think it’s weird he went ahead of us. Why didn’t he fly in today too?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t know. He said something about needing to do some traveling first.” It didn’t matter. Even if he had come in on the flight to Spain with us, I would have been a nervous wreck. I was sweating and I couldn’t sit still.

  The week he had been gone had been a bit brutal. Sheila had made our father take her on some cruise and vacation for Christmas. Suzzy had made some plans with her new fiancé to spend the holiday with his family in Aspen. So Jess was home alone, losing her V and hanging with Aaron. I felt bad leaving her there, but she had insisted. Linna was still pissed about them being together. I didn’t think she would ever get past it.

  That was until we met Johan. Then I knew she would never even recall a brief period she spent with a random guy named Aaron.

  We left the small helicopter hangar and walked down the ramp to where the most beautiful guy I had ever seen was standing next to Mary, who was waving. I held my hand the way she had shown me and waved back. I stood up straight and fought my American urge to slouch. She had threatened to board my back. I didn’t know what that meant, but I imagined it was bad.

  Mary walked over to us, not hugging or running. She gripped my hands tightly and smiled. The excitement was in the hands, the same as Aiden.

  “How are you, Finley? How was the flight?”

  I enunciated as she had taught me. Worst week of my life, I swear to God. “It was tiring, but I am excited to be here. We both are. How are you?”

  She laughed. “When we get to the car, you may act as you would anywhere.” Suddenly it dawned on me that we were being filmed or photographed. I lifted my face to suck in my dubs, just in case. Mary took Linna’s hand. “Hello, Linna.”

  Linna did some weird bow thingy, all the while batting her lashes at the gorgeous guy with Mary. Mary held her hand to him. “This is my brother, Johan.”

  I smiled. “You all look so similar. It’s lovely to meet you.”

  He smiled wide. “You don’t sound very American to me.”

  I laughed, exactly as I had been practicing. “Oh, wait until we get to the car, Johan.”

  Linna cocked an eyebrow. “So you must be a younger bro… prince.”

  He pointed. “She sounds American.”

  I nodded. “Your mother won’t care how she sounds. It’s me under the microscope.”

  “That is true and what a microscope it is.” He nodded at some men. They hurried over and took our bags. Mary offered me her arm. “Come, let’s go and meet everyone.”

  I looked around. “Where is Aiden?”

  There was a smile on her face, but I could see what kind it was when she spoke. “He was asked to remain and help prepare for your arrival.”

  My stomach sank. “Cool.”

  She gave me a sideways look.

  I smiled wide, ignoring the feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. “I mean, excellent.”

  We walked to a huge Hummer. The driver got the door for us. Linna was staring at Johan like he was a diamond ring with her name on it. But he was staring at me like he just didn’t get it or see what his brother did.

  Shit.

  I was never going to get it. I was sweaty and tired and his mom was going to sense fear like a cougar would.

  The scenery was unlike anything I had ever seen. When Aiden had said nestled in the mountains, he hadn’t been kidding. It was like the Rockies but so much more. The city was in an actual valley, like a huge valley. The houses all looked like chalets and there was so much snow on the ground I was starting to get nervous. My UGG’s were stylish and warm, but not meant for five feet of snow.

  I slid into the seat and wiped the sweat off my forehead. “I am dying. The anxiety of this is probably going to kill me. I never should have agreed.”

  Mary laughed. “And she is back.”

  Johan nodded. “Very American. So you are both from Washington?”

  Linna nodded and smiled. Johan looked nervous about the way she was eyeing him like he was meat. He gave me a weird look. “I’ve always wanted to go and see the White House and such.”

  I laughed. “Dude, wrong coastline. Washington State is on the western side of the country. D.C. is over by New York and it’s a district that’s separate of the states. Congress runs it.” I tried to think of the largest city he would be able to relate to.

  He looked confused. “You have two places named the same thing in one country?”

  “Yeah, I don’t know what the deal is with that. We have Washingtons everywhere. Mississippi and Michigan and a bunch of states. George Washington was a pretty major dude for us. He’s our founding father and shit.”

  He cocked an eyebrow and looked at Mary. She smiled. “The president, George Washington, played a major role in the creation of the United States. He was the first president.”

  Johan nodded. “Odd but interesting.”

  Linna laughed, but I thought about how weird it was we had so many places named after him. “It must be confusing for foreigners to know where they’re going. We repeat names on everything.”

  “We
only really go to New York so it isn’t really an issue for us.”

  I glanced at Mary. “New York? That’s it?”

  She nodded. “I like New York. The park in the middle of the city is stunning. And I enjoy the contrast of the old buildings filled with newer shops. It’s sparkly and beautiful inside but old and English outside.”

  Linna sighed. Johan inched away and I tried not to throw up.

  The house was a mansion but built chalet style. It was stunning. I couldn’t even see it all. There were trees and a frozen lake and when we pulled in, the front entryway took up all the room in the window of the truck. It was simply stunning.

  “You live at a hotel?”

  Mary laughed at Linna. “No. This is our family home.”

  “No palace?”

  Mary scowled. “The city has the old house, but we have long been ruled by France and Spain. No castle was needed. And we like this better. We’ve done our time in the French and English castles with family. We have several in other parts of Europe, and they’re drafty. This is cozy.”

  Cozy wasn’t the word I would have used.

  Johan took my hand in his. “Are you ready?”

  I shook my head. “No. I feel like I might throw up.”

  He squeezed. “You will be a delightful addition to our holiday, trust me.”

  Mary nodded. “Our family is excited you are coming.”

  “You mean everyone but your mom?”

  Her eyes twinkled. “Mother needs to learn she can’t always have her way. We are not pawns; we are people.”

  Johan grinned. “Besides, Aiden is opening the doors for the rest of us. Geoffrey, our eldest brother, is the only one who should suffer under her reign. The rest of us should be free to choose. I think it is a sign of his character and strength that Aiden has chosen you.”

  It made me smile as we got out of the vehicle. Linna gaped, but I only saw one thing—the blue eyes that started it all.

  Aiden was standing at the top of the stairs with a wide smile and a mischievous look in his eyes. “You are finally here. This was the longest week of my life, I think.”