If I Loved You Less

by Tamsen Parker

  The fantasies deluged her mind, and for the first time, she let herself indulge in them, shoving Mina under a pillow, because she didn’t need to see this. How Theo slipped a hand into the shorts she’d slept in and let everything she knew about Kini shape the way she touched herself.

  When she finally dragged her ass out of bed and pulled on some clothes before opening the shop, she was incredibly glad that Laurel wouldn’t be at the store today. She didn’t think she could bear the sight of the girl who’d been her best friend for the past several months.

  No, instead, she sat at the counter and sulked, steeping in how much she hurt. Up until now, she hadn’t grasped how much of her happiness had depended on being first with Kini. It had been the default, how things had always been and—she had so wrongly assumed—how it would always be. Never had anyone come close. Not even Eliza, who had at least an equal claim on Kini’s affections, if not more so.

  Not to say that she’d always deserved it. Hardly. She’d been obnoxious, sassing her, willfully ignoring good advice, picking fights with her over stupid shit even when Theo was well-aware she was in the wrong. And yet Kini had been patient with her, watched over her, made it part of her myriad responsibilities to make sure Theo was safe and happy. Had done her very best to make Theo a good person, the best person she could be, and had concerned herself more with that than any other person. More than Charlotte, more than Theo’s father.

  The strange thing was that, even though she wanted to get into Kini’s pants, she thought she might be satisfied knowing that Kini wouldn’t be with anyone else. Not the occasional tourist or fling with one of the rich Californians who had a second house or a condo on the island, because that wouldn’t count, but an actual for-realsies relationship. And heaven help her if that relationship was with Laurel and it got serious. The idea of Kini marrying someone else made her brain melt out of her ears. It couldn’t happen. Couldn’t.

  Selfish and horrid, yes. But…if things stayed the way they were, that would be fine. Their families so close they’d be nearly one, Theo could still go to the bakery almost every day, Kini could come by the shop and the house to see her and her father, and all would be right with the world. Or so Theo could hope.

  After a long day with little traffic and even fewer sales, Theo headed over to Charlotte’s because she needed to be with someone with whom she felt completely comfortable. That wasn’t Laurel anymore, and she wasn’t sure it would be Kini, even if she were here instead of in Honolulu.

  She found Charlotte just returning from Bea’s house, having taken a walk on the beach with Jessica. Now that the cat was out of the bag about Austin and Jessica, Theo had found Jessica less closed off, which made all the sense in the world. If a person had to keep that kind of secret, no wonder Jessica had seemed overly reserved. Theo could hardly imagine the strain of always wondering if you were about to say something that would ruin your life. She’d never had to worry about something like that, and her heart ached for Jessica. Not to mention that curiosity gnawed at her—what would Jessica be like without having to keep that secret? She wanted to know. Needed to know.

  There may have also been some guilt in that cocktail for not having listened to Kini’s wishes that she try to be friends with Jessica. As usual, she should’ve listened to Kini. She’d be far happier now than she was.

  Happiness was hers, though, when Kini texted to say she’d be back on Wednesday. Happier still when she got another text the morning Kini got home.

  Back from Honolulu. Have time for a walk this afternoon?

  After double-checking with her father, who was happy to cover the shop while she was out, she tapped out a reply.

  Of course. Can’t wait to see you. xoxo

  She used to be able to sign notes or texts with hugs and kisses to Kini utterly unselfconsciously, but now the four small letters seemed weightier somehow. As if they were suddenly subject to more standard text etiquette. Would Kini read Theo’s true feelings into the sign-off? And which would be worse—if she did or didn’t? Dithering wasn’t a thing Theo did, so she pressed send before she could edit her reply and then did her very best not to panic.

  The day passed in fits and starts of fidgeting and boredom. The hands on the kitschy hula girl clock moved achingly slowly. Impatience wasn’t a stranger to Theo, but this kind of uncertain twitchiness was. Did she want to see Kini? Did she not want to? What would happen when she did? Would Kini confess her love for Laurel and they’d ride off into the sunset in Kini’s robin-egg blue Bel Air? If they did, they wouldn’t be riding very far, and, ugh, an avalanche of misery buried her. It would be intolerable to have to watch them.

  But when at last Kini showed up, Theo had to wonder how she could have ever thought not seeing her would be preferable to seeing her. Walking in through the doorway of the shop, Kini’s hips and thighs rolled in like the tide, her dark hair streaked with silver was down, and she was wearing a sleeveless shirt that showed off her rounded shoulders and her arms that were thick with muscle and the weight she carried.

  Theo had always thought Kini beautiful. But there was something about not having seen her for days and having come to the realization that she not only loved Kini, but was very much in love with her that made her especially gorgeous. Perhaps it was that Theo didn’t feel like she could take Kini’s presence in her life for granted anymore, but she felt almost assaulted by how dazzling she was. Like a goddess of wisdom and plenty who walked on the earth.

  There was no question. Seeing Kini was like being home, or having her home complete. Theo would suffer pretty much anything to keep Kini as part of her life.

  Kini looked tired, but that wasn’t surprising. As much as she loved Kai and Eliza and their keiki, Kini was used to a quiet house. Between the noise of the city and the commotion of the children, Theo knew she didn’t sleep well when she visited. She was about to offer that they skip their walk and sit in the living room instead when Kini stretched her arms over her head.

  “It’s a short flight, but I always come back from Honolulu feeling so cramped. Ready to walk? I feel like I need to be hemmed in only by the ocean and the sky.”

  Which was to say not at all, and who was Theo to say no? Maybe she could work out this twitchiness, or at least it would be less noticeable outside than it had been in the shop. Her dad had asked her half a dozen times if something was wrong.

  So out they went, heading straight to the edge of the water. Kini took off her sandals, and they walked close enough to the water that half the waves washed over their feet.

  They walked without speaking, but there was a tension in the air, unlike their usual companionable silences. Theo felt as though Kini kept trying to sneak peeks at her face, and Theo wasn’t having it. She didn’t want to give anything away by her expression, and knowing sooner or later Kini would ask and she wouldn’t want to answer, she reached for the first conversational straw she could find.

  “Did you hear about Austin and Jessica?”

  “I did.”

  “Oh.” Well, there went that big reveal. Though she probably shouldn’t be surprised. It’s not like Kini was out of touch when she was in Honolulu, but that did make her wonder who’d told her. Laurel, perhaps? “How’d you know?”

  “You know Jim can’t keep quiet about this kind of stuff. Even if it weren’t Austin, he would’ve been emailing me, I know it.”

  True enough.

  And then Kini was slinging her arm around Theo’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Theo. But you won’t feel this way forever. More fish in the sea and all that…” For a moment, Theo thought that was all Kini was going to say, but it wasn’t. “No, you know what? I love Jim, but his son is kind of an asshole. He treated you badly, and I can’t imagine he’ll be able to make Jessica happy. She deserves better than that…that…shithead.”

  Kini rarely swore, and it always surprised Theo when she did. It was sweet that she used her infrequent potty mouth now. “You don’t have to be sorry on my account.”

 
For a second, Theo regretted having volunteered that. Would Kini drop her arm now that she didn’t think Theo in need of comfort anymore? Sure, walking so close to someone like this was a little awkward, but Theo wouldn’t have traded it for anything, not even to fly down the beach. It gave her heart a kick to be pressed to Kini’s side like this, feel her warmth, smell her skin. Part of her wanted to lean her head over to rest on the front of Kini’s shoulder, but she settled for putting her hand on Kini’s back, between her shoulder blades.

  Her skin was soft, but underneath, her muscles were bunched with tension and her spine was unbearably straight. This walk wasn’t relaxing for her then, either. Theo could at least reassure Kini that she’d had no real feelings for Austin. “I wasn’t sad to hear that Austin and Jessica were engaged. Although everyone seems to think I should be.”

  “Come on, be fair now. It’s not like we’re pulling this out of thin air. You were always thrilled when he would come to visit, you’d hang out all the time, you danced with almost no one else at a party you had planned together. Don’t make it sound like this was a figment of everyone’s imagination. I was surprised by it, because I thought you didn’t…”

  A hint of a laugh shook Theo’s lungs. “You thought I didn’t like boys?”

  “Yes. I didn’t think you liked boys.” Theo could see the swallow in Kini’s throat, and the effort Kini was exerting to be neutral about this made her glow inside. “But it doesn’t matter what I think. You love who you love, and it doesn’t matter who. Everyone wants you to be happy. So if you’re bi or queer or whatever, it doesn’t matter to anyone. We love you.”

  “I appreciate that, I do, but really, I don’t feel that way about Austin. For like half a second I thought I might? And I blame that on some idea of my childhood sweetheart being a decent backup plan in case I didn’t want to actually end up a spinster. We’ve been friends, but that’s it.”

  The look Kini gave Theo made it clear that she didn’t believe it. But she spoke carefully nonetheless. “Okay. It was hard for me to tell exactly how into him you were, and I’m glad you weren’t more…entangled with him than that. I only knew for sure that you liked him and I was never sure why, but I was damn sure he didn’t deserve it. He doesn’t deserve Jessica either. Fucker.”

  Theo had to smother a snort in her hand. Kini was going all protective of people she cared about, and it delighted Theo to no end. She could take care of herself, she had absolutely no doubt, but she loved Kini for assuming that responsibility. Hell, for wanting that responsibility.

  “I did like him. It’s fun to flirt and to have someone pay attention to you.” Theo’s cheeks warmed. It wasn’t the most fun to admit that she was vain and craved attention and praise and flattery. But Kini knew that well enough about her by now; it wasn’t as though she was revealing a state secret. “I thought it was some harmless fun, which is fortunate because he was only trying to cover up his relationship with Jessica.”

  “He’s a lucky bastard that you feel that way.” Kini’s grumble was entertaining. “Lucky especially that everyone feels that way. That he can behave so recklessly, use everyone around him, and have them still happy to see him. Lucky isn’t a strong enough word for it.”

  “You sound jealous.” Which was preposterous. Sure there were some people who might be envious of Austin—he was good-looking, smart enough to be getting a PhD, and was now flush with cash from his trust—but why would Kini be one of them? She owned her own business, was a beautiful woman, had the respect of everyone around her, and if she wasn’t rolling in money, she was comfortable and secure at least.

  “I am, in a way. He seems to have a way of making people adore him.”

  If this was the part where Kini was going to confess that she had a crush on Laurel and was going to ask her out, Theo might die. If she were a good friend, she would ask. She would let Kini talk about how pretty and smart and accomplished and everything Laurel was, and she wouldn’t be able to argue a word of it. If she’d been a bad friend to Laurel—and she had been—then she should at least be able to be a good friend to Kini, but even when she’d resolved to say the words, she couldn’t quite. They got stuck in her throat, and she felt as though she were choking on them.

  This was awful, awful, and she was a failure. Not only was she losing the woman she loved with all her heart before she could even have her at all, but she was acting like a child on top of it. A spoiled, horrible child who couldn’t even be a good friend because she was so self-centered. There had to be a way to overcome, to fix this, because if nothing else, she couldn’t lose Kini’s respect, too. That would be too much.

  They both started speaking in the same moment, and after the awkward laughter and apologies that so often follow that kind of insignificant blunder, Theo spoke. “You should go first.”

  Kini’s arm slipped from her shoulder, and though Theo knew she’d done the right thing, she regretted it. Her heart hurt, and she’d have to pretend she didn’t feel like walking out into the ocean and not coming back. She could do that for this woman, who had been everything she needed for the past twenty-five years. She could.

  “I…I need to tell you something, Theo. You know I’m better with butter and sugar and flour than with words—”

  “You’re a genius with butter and sugar and flour.” Her sincere interjection made Kini’s mouth draw up in a pained smile, and Theo braced herself for the reveal.

  Kini took a deep, shuddering breath. Her hands knit together at her waist and she looked at the sand beneath her feet as they kept walking. Could they not have done this somewhere else? From here on out, Theo would think of this as the beach where her heart had been shattered by the only person she’d ever really loved.

  When Kini turned to her again, her expression was as serious as Theo had ever seen it. There was an intensity in her brown eyes that made Theo want to run, because that much feeling being directed at a person who wasn’t her hurt her down to the marrow of her bones. But the least she could do for Kini would be to keep her mouth shut and listen. That was the very least she could do. So as painful as it was, she did. Stopped and planted her feet, let the remnants of the rolling waves wash over her feet and start to cover them with sand so she wouldn’t run away. Kini stopped as well, and they stood there, the air around them perfect with sun and salt, but crackling with tension nevertheless.

  “I have always tried to tell you the truth. Sometimes that’s meant I’ve lectured you and scolded you. Told you that you weren’t good enough in an effort to make you better, because I knew you could be. You’ve put up with my haranguing like not many other people would have, and I hope you can put up with what I have to tell you now in the same way. And here I am, not able to tell you what I need to say. You’ve always been better at that, speaking your mind, and I… Let’s just say that if I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more, but as things are—”

  Theo’s heart stuttered and then outright stopped. Loved?

  “Wait, you love me?” Theo bit her lip in an effort to let Kini answer her, but couldn’t stop the flood of words that demanded to be let out. “You love me, like, love me, love me?”

  “I do.” Kini confessed it as if it were the worst offense in the world. “But I don’t expect you to feel the same way. We’ve known each other in a certain context since you’ve been alive, and I would understand if it was hard for you to switch gears to thinking of me as someone you might possibly be romantically involved with. And if you never do, I swear I will still do my very best to be there for you, whenever you need me and whatever you need me for. Even if you never do return my feelings, I hope you’ll still come by the bakery and that you won’t feel awkward every time I show up at the shop or play cards with your father or—”

  “You know, for someone who claims to not be very good with words, you’re sure using a lot of them.”

  Kini sighed and buried her face in her hands. “Yes, I know. I’m nervous, okay? Terrified, actually, because if I’ve messed thi
ngs up with you, I don’t know that I could ever forgive myself.”

  “You haven’t. At all. I…” Theo had to shake her head, because for all the words she always had at the ready, she had a hard time finding them when she needed them most. “It’s taken me an embarrassingly long time to realize it, but I feel the same way. I love you. Am in love with you. I want to be with you in all the ways we’ve always been and in different ways, too.”

  They beamed at each other, and Theo loved the way Kini’s face lit up, how her cheeks got rounder and pinker and how her whole body seemed suffused with joy. It was too much. Theo took a step forward, and Kini took one too, and they found themselves toe to toe, Theo having to lift her gaze because Kini was just that much taller than she was.

  And then there was a shy, slow moving of limbs toward each other, because though they’d hugged a million times, maybe more, this felt different. Because it was different. It wasn’t the full contact of an embrace with Theo’s head finding Kini’s shoulder to rest on or a quick greeting squeeze, but the middle third of their bodies pressed together—stomach to stomach, and, dear god, chest to chest—so they could kiss. Yes, kiss.

  Theo tilted her head as Kini’s fingers slipped into her hair and Theo slid her own hand up Kini’s neck to cup her jaw, and then they were actually doing it. Kissing. For all the times in the past week that Theo had gotten herself off while thinking of Kini, she’d never pictured it being like this. Kini’s lips soft but applying a firm pressure that made Theo want to yield, let her mouth open to let Kini inside, to offer all of herself up on a platter for Kini’s taking. It didn’t scare her. Kini would never hurt her, ever. So she gave herself over, let herself sigh as Kini’s tongue licked inside of her mouth, explored her, stroked her.