A Hidden Truth

by Judith Miller

  Karlina sat down on the edge of her bed. “I feel sad for Anton, as well. I asked my Vater why he couldn’t go home for at least a couple days, but he told me I should not question the decision of the elders. They believe he will do better if he remains away from his own village for a longer time.”

  Taking a position on the edge of my own bed, I met Karlina’s gaze. “What has he done that is so bad?”

  Karlina shrugged. “He says he has a bad temper and the elders had warned him that he would need to leave his village if he did not learn self-control. He didn’t tell me what he did; he just said that he didn’t heed their warning.” She clasped her hands together. “And it is true that he has difficulty controlling his temper.”

  She spoke with an authority that allowed fear to enter my mind. I leaned forward and grasped her hands. “Has he lost his temper with you?”

  “He has spoken in anger, and I have seen evidence that he lacks control, but I know he is working hard to conquer his shortcomings. I do think he is doing better, but it is likely the elders have judged him correctly.” She straightened and withdrew her hands. “Please don’t think harshly of him. We all have faults, and he is working to correct his. But he has been sent to work in a place that isn’t familiar or to his liking.”

  “I would think the elders would have chosen to send him to work where he could most easily adjust. Even to me it is obvious he doesn’t like working with the sheep.”

  “There is much he can learn from working with the sheep. When they finally begin to trust and follow him, the elders will likely send him home.”

  I chuckled. “So the sheep can judge good character?”

  “Ja!” Karlina bobbed her head. “Much better than most humans, I think.”

  We could hear noises in the parlor, and even though this wouldn’t be the same as Christmas Eve in my own home, my anticipation increased along with Karlina’s. I hoped that she would like my gift. In that moment I realized I had nothing to give Anton.

  “Karlina, I have no gift for Anton. What can I do?”

  “A gift is not necessary. He will not expect anything from you.” She grinned. “I doubt he has thought of gifts for us.”

  “But you have a gift for him, don’t you?” I hoped she would say no, but she nodded her head, and my heart plummeted. “What will I do?”

  She clapped her hands together. “I know! He wants to learn English.” She jumped up and went to the desk and pulled out a piece of paper. “Write down that you will give him English lessons so long as he is a gut student and doesn’t become angry when corrected.”

  “The English lessons are a wonderful idea, but I am not going to say he has to study and remain calm.”

  “You may be sorry if you don’t.”

  I laughed and nodded. “Then I will tell him at our first lesson.”

  “Agreed. Now hurry or we will be called to the parlor before you finish.”

  I composed the note, slipped it into an envelope, and carefully penned Anton’s name on the outside. I was blotting the ink as Cousin Louise called to us.

  When we stepped into the hall, I noticed she’d closed the door to the parlor. “First, we must go downstairs to the kitchen and have our cookies and coffee; then we will come upstairs to the parlor.”

  I tucked the envelope into my pocket and hoped I could place it with the other gifts once we returned upstairs. While Karlina and I arranged cookies on one of the large china platters, Cousin Louise lifted the coffeepot from the back of the stove and filled cups with the steaming dark liquid. We had gathered around a small table in the kitchen to eat our cookies when the door burst open and Pelznickel tromped into the room, carrying his burlap bag and leaning on a long walking stick.

  Karlina had told me that each year Brother Herman dressed as grizzled old Pelznickel and came to the houses in East. Once he arrived, he decided if we had been bad or good throughout the year. The gift he retrieved from his bag revealed his decision. I’d never had a visit from Pelznickel, but I’d heard some of my friends in Cincinnati talk about such visits. Standing in front of Anton, he reached into his bag and withdrew a small sack. After pondering his decision for a minute or two, he handed it to Anton along with a similar one to both Karlina and me.

  Ringing a brass sleigh bell that had been fastened to the leather belt that surrounded his worn fur coat, he bellowed a laugh. “No switches or coal for anyone this year.” He reached down and helped himself to several cookies, waved them in the air, and tromped to the door. “Merry Christmas!”

  We returned his Christmas greeting while Anton opened the small paper sack. His mouth gaped open when he looked inside the bag. “An orange and some pieces of hard candy. The first time I haven’t received switches in many years.”

  Brother George grinned. “Then this indeed is a gut Christmas for you. Maybe Pelznickel knows that you have been studying the Scriptures and have learned that ‘A wrathful man stirreth up strife: but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife.’”

  Anton closed the paper sack. “I learned that Scripture many years ago, Brother George.”

  “Ja, but now you are putting it into practice. That is the key. To learn the Scriptures is one thing, but to practice them in our daily life is another. That is what we all must try to do.” He stood and squeezed Anton’s shoulder. “Even Pelznickel understands that you are trying to do better. Come, let’s go up to the parlor and see if there are any gifts to be opened.”

  When Cousin Louise opened the parlor door, it wasn’t the gifts that captured my attention, but the lone stocking that hung above the fireplace. From the bright smile on Karlina’s lips, I knew she was responsible. Tears threatened as I recalled telling her of the tradition my parents had begun when I was a small child. I never imagined that she would hang a stocking for me. While Cousin George lit the candles on the pyramid, she removed the oddly shaped stocking from the mantel and handed it to me.

  “Merry Christmas, Dovie.” Karlina placed her hand on the stocking. “As you can see, I do not knit very well, and I must admit that I made this stocking when I was only thirteen years old. Mutter declared it unusable. It has been tucked away in my drawer ever since. But after hearing of your tradition, I think I found a good use for it.”

  I stood and kissed her cheek. “Merry Christmas to you, Karlina. It is a very special stocking that I shall treasure.”

  Anton choked back a laugh. “I think Karlina handles wool better when it is still on the sheep.”

  Even Karlina laughed at his joke, but then she said, “Reach inside and find what I made for you.”

  I sat down, placed the misshapen object on my lap, withdrew several small packets, and unwrapped one. “You made candy, Karlina?” I looked to Cousin Louise for affirmation.

  “Ja, she did it on Sunday while we were at meeting.”

  Anton leaned toward me and held out his hand. “Maybe you should let me taste it to make sure it is fit to eat.”

  “And maybe you should keep your hands to yourself. That is Dovie’s gift.” Karlina lifted a package from the mantel and handed it to him. She smiled. “But this one is for you.”

  Anton unwrapped his candy and popped a piece into his mouth. “Umm. It is not very gut, Dovie. I think you should give yours to me. I will eat it for you and save you the misery.”

  Laughter filled the room, and the sound created an uneasy mixture of joy and sadness deep within. It seemed wrong to enjoy myself this first Christmas after my mother’s death. I wondered if my father had someone to laugh with on this cold winter evening. Forcing the thought from my mind, I handed out my gifts to each of them and watched with anticipation as the three of them unrolled the scrolls of paper and Anton opened his envelope.

  “This is beautiful, Dovie.” Karlina’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “Is this what you were hiding at the desk when I came up to the bedroom?”

  I nodded. “I was afraid you had seen it.”

  From the surprised look on her face, I knew that Karlina hadn’t disc
overed what I’d been creating. I’d chosen a different verse of Scripture for each family member, and using the calligraphy skills I’d been taught in school, I had painstakingly penned the verse onto thick linen paper. I’d written the verses in German, of course, and had even sketched a small sheep on the one I made for Karlina.

  “Nein, but I did think you were keeping a secret from me.”

  “Only a Christmas secret. And I will put them in frames for you, but there wasn’t time enough to do that earlier.”

  Cousin Louise clucked her tongue. “You do not need to do more, Dovie. This is quite beautiful, and George can make us frames for them, can’t you, husband?”

  He nodded his head. “Ja, and I will be pleased to have something useful to do when my bones are aching and I’m unable to tend the sheep.”

  Anton waved his envelope toward me. “I cannot read this. It is not written in German.”

  I smiled and gave a nod. “It says that if you would like, I will teach you some English while I am here. Karlina said you are interested in learning.”

  “To speak, ja, but even if you remained for the rest of your life, I do not think you would have enough time to teach me to read and write another language.”

  “Then I will spend some time each day teaching you to speak English, and we shall not worry with reading or writing.”

  Anton tucked the piece of paper back into the envelope. “Thank you, Dovie. This pleases me very much.”

  I exchanged a secret smile with Karlina. Her suggestion had been perfect. In truth, he appeared much more pleased with the promise of English lessons than with the shepherd’s crook Brother George and Cousin Louise had given him.

  We had nearly finished opening our gifts when Cousin Louise lifted a package from beside her chair. “This is from your Vater, Dovie. It arrived the other day, but I saved it for Christmas.”

  My heart tightened at the sight of my father’s handwriting. He hadn’t forgotten. All of them watched as I opened the box. A smaller box lay nestled inside the larger one, and an envelope rested below. I’d been eager for news from my father, but the sight of his letter brought both joy and uneasiness. What if he sent for me before I learned more about my mother?

  Karlina drew closer. “Do you have any idea what it might be?”

  Hoping to temper my unsettling thoughts, I forced a smile. “No, but soon we shall all know.” I untied the string, peeled away the brown paper, and opened the box. Inside lay a gold locket engraved with my initials. I lifted it from the bed of black velvet and clicked the latch. My breath caught when it flipped open and revealed a tiny picture of my mother. I traced my finger over the likeness, longing to once more feel the softness of her skin or hear the sweetness of her voice.

  “It’s beautiful,” Karlina whispered. “Is that an early picture of your Mutter?”

  I swallowed back my tears. “Yes. The picture was taken on their wedding day.” I handed the locket to Cousin Louise and watched as she examined the picture.

  A tear formed in her eye as she handed it back to me. “I loved your Mutter deeply. She was like a sister to me, and I know you miss her.” She clasped my hand. “After our twins died I spent many hours on my knees asking God to fill the empty spot in my heart with His love. I hope you have been doing the same, Dovie.” She cleared her throat and pointed to the letter. “Maybe you would like to go and read your letter while George and Karlina show Anton the best way to use his new shepherd’s

  crook.”

  I nodded. “Yes, I think that’s a good idea.” I hesitated a moment and then grasped her hand. “And one day soon I hope you will be willing to share more about my mother.”

  I stood and hurried from the room before she could deny my request.

  Once inside the bedroom, I opened the envelope. My father’s letter spoke of his new position and that he’d been spending long hours at work. He didn’t reveal if that was by choice or if the extra hours were required by the company, but I guessed it was more by his choice. He said he missed me, but he didn’t sound as lonely as I’d expected—likely because he’d been filling his days with work so he couldn’t think about missing Mother. He’d also included additional money for any necessities I might need. I continued reading and then turned the final page, where he had added a postscript.

  You will recall that I agreed to post your second letter to Louise and George. However, upon arriving in Texas, I discovered it in the jacket pocket of my blue suit. Please accept my apology, and please tell Louise and George that I beg their forgiveness for my oversight.

  The added brief notation solved the mystery of my letter to Cousin Louise, but I wasn’t certain the missing letter had been an oversight.

  I glanced up when Karlina poked her head around the bedroom doorway. “Are you done? Mutter said I shouldn’t bother you if you were still reading your letter.”

  Smiling, I waved her forward. “Yes, I’m finished.”

  “I know I am being selfish, but I hope your Vater did not say he wants you to come to Texas.” Her blue eyes were a near match for the walls in the Amana houses and the meeting hall. When I’d commented on the sameness of the color, Karlina told me all walls were painted with whitewash that was lightly tinted with blue pigment. “It is the only color we use. When we all have the same thing, there is no jealousy.” She’d made the statement with authority, and I had no reason to doubt her, for I’d quickly learned that equality was of great importance to the colonists.

  I folded the letter and tucked it into the envelope. “My father says that he has not yet found a suitable place for us to live. It seems he has been quite busy working long hours, but there is a lady who has agreed to help him locate a small house. There is no assurance if or when he might find such a place, but I am hoping that I will be here until spring.”

  “You must stay until the lambs are born. It is the very best time of the year. Just wait and see—you will love East during the springtime.”

  I didn’t doubt Karlina’s words, for I had already discovered much to love about East and the people who lived here. Within the confines of the small village I felt somehow connected to both the past and my future. A feeling I could not explain, but one that kindled a desire to remain among my mother’s people.

  CHAPTER 11

  January 1893

  Since the change in his delivery route, my time with Berndt had been brief. I missed his easy manner and our friendly chats. When he made the bread delivery on Christmas Eve morning, I had given him a small package with Christmas cookies we baked. They seemed a silly gift for a baker’s son, but Karlina said he would like them. She had been correct. Berndt had appeared most pleased but also embarrassed because he had nothing to give me. I had laughed and told him I would take ice skating lessons in exchange, and he readily agreed.

  Today I hoped he could make good on his gift. Yesterday Cousin Louise granted us permission to go ice skating at the pond this afternoon, and Karlina had already borrowed a pair of ice skates for me. While Karlina finished dressing, I hurried down the stairs and raced into the kitchen. If I wasn’t downstairs when he arrived, Cousin Louise would meet the bread wagon, and I’d have no opportunity to invite Berndt to join us.

  Cousin Louise looked up from the stove. “Why are you running? There is a problem?”

  I came to an abrupt halt and straightened my shoulders. “No. I was afraid I would be late.”

  “Late?” She rubbed my shoulder and smiled. “It is gut you want to help, Dovie, but you do not need to be the first one in the kitchen every morning. You are a visitor, and even though we encourage hard work in the villages, you should not be working more than those who live here.”

  Outside, the clang of the bread wagon’s bell reverberated in the frozen morning silence. My attention shifted toward the door. So did Cousin Louise’s. I turned toward the pegs near the back door with my hand extended toward my coat. “I’ll go and meet the wagon.”

  Cousin Louise’s blue eyes sparkled with an understanding
glint. “So that is why you have been coming down here so early—you don’t want to miss seeing Berndt.” She folded her arms across her waist and nodded. “Go on and get the bread, but remember that he does not have time for visiting.”

  Not wanting to miss even a moment, I hurried outside and waited for Berndt, my heart pounding so hard I thought it might bounce out of my chest. I strained to see the familiar wave of his cap, for even on the coldest days he would yank it from his head and swing it in greeting. Dancing from foot to foot to keep warm, I smiled and waved in return as he approached.

  “Guten Morgen, Dovie!” He pulled back on the reins and brought the horses to a stop. Clouds of vapor rose from the animals’ nostrils, and though they shimmied as Berndt jumped down from the wagon, they didn’t attempt to move. “It is gut to see you. What a bright smile on this cold morning.” He pulled his cap back onto his head.

  I tried to control my excitement, but I could hardly keep from jumping up and down. “I have a surprise.”

  Together we walked to the rear of the bread wagon. “And what is your surprise?”

  “We are going ice skating today. Me, Karlina, and Anton. I hope you will come with us. Cousin Louise agreed Karlina and I can go.”

  Instead of the excitement I’d expected, he frowned. “I think the ice could be weak at the pond. It might not be safe.”

  I rubbed my arms. “It is very cold. I don’t think Cousin Louise would give permission if she thought—”

  “I am sure she would not, but Cousin Louise does not have a way to know if the ice is solid, does she? The weather was very cold, but then it turned warmer, and it has remained above freezing for many days during the last two weeks. Such changes in the weather can make for dangerous ice.” He placed his gloved hand on the wagon door. “Some years it is safe to skate in November. Other years the ice can be too thin in January or February.” He pushed down on the lever and opened the doors. “Besides, I cannot go with you today.”