Four Meaningful Words

by A. M. Guilliams

“I see.”

  “Mom, I can’t describe it, but I feel like he belongs in our lives.”

  “You have the biggest heart of anyone I know,” she said, causing tears to form in my eyes. I was so emotional over wanting this child, needing this child in my life.

  “I think it’s a curse sometimes,” I admitted. I did have a big heart, but that also meant that I was prone to heartache more often than most.

  “It’s not a curse, Elizabeth. It’s a blessing. Most people couldn’t do what you and Austin are doing. They can’t love a child and welcome them into their hearts knowing there’s a big possibility that the child will leave. That’s why there aren’t enough foster families for the number of children in the system. What you and Austin are doing is commendable and amazing. I’m so proud of you, Elizabeth, and I believe this will be the greatest thing you’ll ever do in life.”

  What was with her today and trying to get me to cry? She wasn’t doing it on purpose, and they weren’t tears of sadness or sorrow; they were happy tears. Tears of joy over a decision we’d made that would be an amazing journey for me and Austin.

  “Thank you, Mom. I needed to hear that today,” I told her before we said our goodbyes.

  Chapter 18

  Austin

  This morning before court started, I made some calls.

  The ones I’d promised Liz I’d make.

  I hadn’t wanted her to see the picture.

  I knew she’d fall in love with him just the way I had.

  I also knew that she’d want to do everything in our power to try to be the ones who fostered him.

  From the information I’d gained, which wasn’t much, he was still at the group home and they couldn’t guarantee child placement. However, they did tell me to bring it up to our caseworker and see if there was anything he or she could do about seeing if it was an option since there was a screening process to see if we could handle a child based on the issues he or she may have.

  We didn’t care about the issues the child could or couldn’t have. We’d make sure that they’d get whatever help they needed along with enough love to help them overcome everything they’d been through.

  I made it sound simple, when it would be more hard work than we’d ever faced, but loving a child was simple. It was the easiest thing to do even if the child was opposed to accepting love at first. And if I knew anything about Liz, it was that she’d move heaven and earth for a child.

  Even though I’d have liked to have given Liz better news, I’d tell her the truth about what I’d found. She could handle it, and I loved that I knew that she could hear the bitter truth and not break down now. I loved that when we were faced with an issue that we could work through it together and come out stronger on the other side.

  Almost two months since I’d told her I wanted a divorce, and we were stronger than ever before. She exuded confidence and faced every problem head-on. She amazed me more and more every day. Especially when it came to wanting to be a foster parent. We had two more six-hour sessions, and we could get our license as long as the home study checked out. It would be a waiting game, but hopefully we were on the three-month time frame since we’d gotten everything together pretty fast and were able to check off all of the required boxes.

  Becoming a father didn’t scare me. Loving a child who wasn’t my own or could push me away didn’t scare me. Quite the opposite. I couldn’t wait to have a child in our home. I couldn’t wait to watch any child we’d get flourish under our nurturing and care. But I couldn’t wait to see Liz become a mother. I couldn’t wait to watch her love another human being that we’d raise. I’d envisioned it a thousand times in my head, and I’d always seen a little boy following around his mother, hanging on her every word. Maybe we’d get that someday. Maybe we’d get a little girl who’d be wrapped around my little finger, and I’d spoil her rotten. It didn’t matter, though. As long as we had a child to love, we’d be the richest couple in the world.

  Chapter 19

  Elizabeth

  We’d done it.

  We were officially licensed foster parents.

  I couldn’t believe that all of our work paid off, and we’d gotten what we wanted.

  Even after Austin came home and gave me the news about the little boy’s fate, I didn’t let that deter me.

  If he was meant to be ours, he would be.

  Today we were meeting with the caseworker to go over files of children to determine who we’d think would be a good fit. I never in a million years thought this was part of the process. I thought the state chose for you, not the other way around.

  Austin had an early day in court, thankfully, and I met him at the Department of Social Services at three in the afternoon. We pulled in at almost the same time and parked our vehicles.

  “You ready to do this?” he asked as he got out of the car and walked over to the driver’s side of mine, where I was leaning into the vehicle to grab my purse that I threw in the backseat.

  “As ready as I’ll ever be. I’m just scared I’m going to see pictures of these children and want to take them all home even though I know that’s not possible.”

  “I get what you mean, but we’ll make the right decision for us.”

  “Yeah, we will,” I replied as we entered the building.

  Austin checked in with the lady at the counter, and we sat to wait.

  Anita came out shortly after we arrived and greeted us.

  “Good afternoon. Thank you for coming in,” she said as she held out her hand.

  We shook her hand before we took the short walk to her small office. Barely a desk and two chairs fit in the space.

  “Sorry for the cramped space. I was hoping to use a different room, but it’s taken.”

  “No problem at all.”

  “Well, congratulations on becoming foster parents, and thank you for choosing this path. I knew from the moment I met the two of you that you would be amazing foster parents. Shall we look at some profiles?”

  “Of course, and thank you for your kind words. We can’t wait to embark on this journey,” I replied with a smile.

  She grabbed three binders and handed one to Austin and one to me.

  “These three binders contain ten children each who I thought would make a good fit for your home. Take your time looking them over, and we’ll go from there.”

  I set the binder in my lap and leaned against the arm of the chair as Austin opened his. I thought it’d be better if we looked at them together instead of separately.

  We read through each page carefully and diligently that listed each child’s background, any physical, mental, or emotional issues they may have, and other notes that the caseworkers had made during his or her time in foster care.

  I was right. I wanted to hug every one of them and take them home with us.

  Their small stories broke my heart.

  We went through the other two books just as thoroughly as the first, taking the time to read each page. The child I so desperately wanted wasn’t within the pages.

  How did we choose?

  How did we pick one child over the other?

  Could we make that tough of a decision?

  It seemed so hard and daunting now that the decisions were in our hands.

  “Sorry we took so long. We just wanted to make sure we knew enough to make an informed decision.”

  “No worries at all. I’m glad you took the time to get a little bit of background on each child. Most people just flip through the pages until a child catches their eye and then read the information. I’m glad you two were different, but I knew you would be.”

  “How do people decide? This is so hard,” I admitted.

  “It all depends on what the couple wants and is willing to handle. I feel it’s harder for the two of you because you’re both willing to take on anything instead of having reservations, like most people do.”

  “That makes sense. We’d love to take them all, but that’s not realistic or possible.”

 
; “No, it’s not. Did any of the children stand out amongst the rest? Maybe that’ll help you decide,” she suggested.

  Austin and I went through the books one more time, and my mind kept going back to one of the little girls from the second book.

  She’d been in foster care since she was an infant, but the family she was currently with didn’t want to adopt her. She had developmental delays from being born with drug addiction, but was overall a healthy two-year-old. Her parents’ rights were terminated a few months after she was taken into custody.

  I turned the page to her profile once we took a second glance and pointed at her picture.

  She was the one.

  The one we were going to bring home with us.

  Austin handed her the book with our choice, and she smiled.

  “Out of all the profiles I handed you both, I had a feeling she’d be the one you chose. I can usually sense these things when I bring a couple in.”

  “How does this work now?” Austin asked, sitting back in the seat.

  “We will schedule visitations for the child. Based on how those visitations go will determine how quickly you’ll be able to have the child placed in your home. We call it the integration process. We want to make sure the child is comfortable with the new people in his or her life before we move them. Once the child is placed in your home, the postplacement process begins, which can take up to twelve months. Then the adoption can take place.”

  We could have her in a few short visits.

  I didn’t imagine this process could take this short amount of time. I thought we’d wait forever. Granted, three months felt like a lifetime, but now that we were this much closer to getting a child, it felt like it flew by.

  Anita went over some other minor details of the process before the meeting was officially over.

  “I’ll call you within the next couple of days to let you know the schedule of the visitation,” she said as we stood to leave her office.

  “That sounds good, Anita. Thanks again,” Austin said as he shook her hand.

  I waited until we were outside before I let out a squeal and did a happy dance in the parking lot on the way to my car.

  Austin laughed from behind me, I was sure enjoying the view as I shook my booty.

  “We did it, baby. We’re so close to becoming parents. And we get to adopt her. We get to adopt her, holy cow,” I squealed in delight.

  “I know, baby,” he laughed as he pulled me in for a hug.

  “Congratulations, Daddy,” I whispered in his ear.

  Saying that one word made my heart swell.

  Daddy.

  He was going to be a daddy.

  I was finally going to be a mommy.

  How did this happen?

  How did we get this lucky?

  I couldn’t get the picture out of my head of the little girl who was about to become ours.

  She had the cutest smile and the prettiest brown, shoulder-length hair.

  Her eyes were the brightest blue I’d ever seen and filled with so much joy and happiness.

  Right now, she was just a dream that was so close to becoming our reality.

  Pretty soon, though, I’d be able to call her our daughter.

  The answer to all of our prayers.

  The miracle we’d prayed for so long.

  Our little Willow Rayne Preston, soon to be Willow Rayne Black.

  Chapter 20

  Elizabeth

  The moment I held her in my arms, all felt right in the world.

  We’d scheduled visitation for the following Friday after our meeting with Anita. We’d been briefed on how shy she was and how it took her a while to warm up to new people.

  Only, when I entered the backyard at her current foster family’s house, she was swinging, and her gaze met mine. That was all she wrote. I walked over to her and asked if I could push her on the swing. Austin stood beside me as I began to push her and watched our interaction.

  Within a minute, she was laughing and asking for me to push her harder so she could go higher and higher.

  When she was done swinging, I helped her slow down, and once she was stopped, I held her tiny little fingers in my hand to help her down.

  I thought she’d let go of my hand, but she didn’t. Instead, she led me over to the slide, and I watched her go up the steps and down the metal slide. About twenty times later, she was tired and wanted to sit and get some juice.

  I handed her a cup and sat on the bench of the picnic table, expecting her to stand a little off to the side of me so she wasn’t too close. She shocked us all when she climbed into my lap and rested her little head on my shoulder as she drank from her sippy cup, not a care in the world.

  The foster mother was shocked.

  Austin was shocked.

  I wasn’t.

  Just like the little boy from Austin’s case, I felt the instant connection the moment her eyes met mine. I could tell she felt it too all the way across the yard.

  I didn’t want to leave her, but our hour was almost up.

  I held her to me and rocked my legs back and forth as she took another sip from her cup.

  “Did you have fun today, Willow?” I asked, trying to start my goodbyes so when the time came I was mostly ready to leave.

  “Yes, ma’am,” she replied and shocked both Austin and me.

  The little one had manners.

  Impressive.

  “Can you say hi to Austin?”

  Bashfully, she looked over to where Austin sat beside us and waved her hand. She seemed skittish around him, like we were warned she’d be, but my heart was elated that she’d taken to me right away. Maybe that’d mean that we could take her home quicker since she felt comfortable enough around me.

  “Hi there, beautiful lady,” Austin said back to her. She smiled up at him, but kept her head rested on my shoulder.

  I didn’t want to let her go. I didn’t want to leave her. Based on Austin’s awed expression, I knew he felt the same.

  I understood the need for the integration process, but I didn’t need any more interactions to know that our home was where she belonged.

  I stood when our time was up and handed her over to her current foster mother.

  “I’ll see you next week, sweetie,” I promised, brushing away the lock of hair that had fallen in her eyes.

  “I go bye-bye too,” she pleaded, holding her arms out to me.

  I wouldn’t cry.

  I’d remain strong.

  “You’ll go bye-bye with us very soon, okay?”

  I probably should’ve waited to say that until it was confirmed that she would be placed with us, but I’d stop at nothing to get her. A picture alone caused me to feel a connection to her, but meeting her solidified it.

  “Go now,” she pleaded.

  “Soon, sweetie,” Austin promised, as he put his hand against the small of my back.

  He applied a subtle amount of pressure to guide me away from where we still stood.

  “Bye-bye, baby,” I said and took one more moment to stare at her perfect face. I commemorated it to memory before I turned and walked away.

  The entire walk to the car anxiety bubbled inside me.

  Leaving her hurt worse than leaving those hospitals without a baby.

  The only reason I wasn’t in full-blown panic attack mode was that we’d see her again in seven days.

  “That went better than I’d hoped,” Austin said after we got in the car and headed in the direction of home.

  “So much better.” I beamed with a smile.

  “God, that’s a beautiful sight to see,” he said, reaching over to grab my hand. He lifted it and kissed my knuckles before settling our hands on the armrest.

  “What?”

  “The happiness you’re exuding right now. It’s contagious. Your smile is genuine. There’s this glow that’s shining around you, and it makes me happy that you’re happy.”

  It felt amazing to have all the weight lifted from my shoulders.
/>   I didn’t allow myself to doubt this situation.

  I didn’t allow fear to consume me.

  Having Austin by my side for the entire ride of our new adventure felt like we’d turned over that new leaf officially. We’d worked hard at communication over the last four months. We’d grown closer and come out on the other side stronger than ever.

  I’d fallen in love with my husband all over again, watching him work alongside me to get to where we were today.

  We used to say it was Austin and Elizabeth until the end. I’d laugh at his antics. Only now I believed the silly gesture we’d started all those years ago.

  Austin and Elizabeth until the very end.

  Chapter 21

  Elizabeth

  Today would be our fourth visit with Willow.

  She’d grown attached to me. She’d even started saying my name when we arrived and had to leave.

  I loved the bond we’d created in such a short amount of time.

  Willow had even started warming up to Austin. He’d finally gotten her to allow him to pick her up and hold her last week.

  At the beginning of this journey we were told the amount of integration visits depended on the child. Austin and I both felt we were ready. We also felt Willow was ready. She was so excited to see us every week. The foster mother even commented on how she talked about us all the time. We ate that up. We were both on cloud nine after hearing that last week.

  The hardest times the past three weeks were when it was time for us to leave. Each week grew progressively worse. Last week, she’d wrapped her arms around my neck and held on for dear life, pleading for us not to leave her behind. I almost broke seeing her tears and hearing her little voice crack as she begged repeatedly to leave with us. I remained strong for her though. In the end, we’d never have to leave her behind again. That was the only thought that got me through having to hand her over to her foster mother.

  We pulled into the driveway at her home and shut off the engine.