I walk in the apartment to a dozen roses, a bag of Airheads, chocolate, and a fire. And Heath on the couch looking solemn. His eyes are pensive, his mouth in a tight line, and his hands clasped in front of him. “Hey.”
“You okay?”
“Who is asking? My boyfriend or Neanderthal?”
“No matter who shares my personalities, I’m always your boyfriend.”
“You’re sitting here talking about multiple personalities, and I’m the one in therapy.”
“Yeah, you’re good.”
I walk into his arms. “Perfect now.”
“Sorry I was out of control.”
“He’s here now, Heath. You have to learn to deal. Don’t worry. I don’t think we’ll be invited to any more dinners.”
“What’d you do?”
“I’m not proud, and I don’t want to talk about it right now. Know it had nothing to do with regret or missing him. It was petty and bitchy, and my mouth got in the way.”
“Whenever you’re ready you can tell me.”
“I’m not hiding anything. He brought a girl with him.”
“And that bothered you?”
“Not in the way you’re thinking. It bothered me because I struggled for awhile with his shit, and he doesn’t have to rub it in my face that I wasn’t good enough.”
“You don’t believe that.”
“I don’t know what I believe in that situation.”
“Okay. Let’s go to bed.”
“I’m still mad at you.”
“Really? You don’t act like it.” He squeezes my ass.
“If you do that thing with your tongue, I’ll forgive you.”
“I should make you mad more often.”
“Agreed.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Heath
Looking at Sips & Sounds from the vantage point of the stage, I’m proud. The main bar area is your basic sports bar with a rich flair. Mahogany floors, chrome bar, red leather seats with splashes of bright white. Every available wall surface has televisions mounted and in the corner is a stage with a sound system second to none. The back, the area off limits to patrons, is what really excites me. The ‘live’ room where the artists make the magic, control room, and machine room. So many machines and equipment, it makes my head spin and puts a substantial dent in my bank account. I don’t care . . . I believe in this. Artists like Lynsey that don’t have the means to pay for a fancy recording studio can come here. I see it; each time Lynsey loses herself in a song she lets down a chink of armor, and even if the music doesn’t heal her, she soothes others. She mends them with her soft voice and perfect pitch. I’ve put out some feelers for executives in the business, sent an open invitation for them to stop by anytime to listen to the talent that comes in. A sort of open mic night with stellar acoustics.
Three months since Dakota returned and Bianca still hasn’t faced him. Sure, there have been awkward encounters where she leaves and doesn’t say anything, and it bothers me. I watch her greet her family, and my heart swells knowing she’s at my side, supporting me. Dakota is standing behind Bronson, and I don’t know why he had to include himself tonight. I watch her smile falter, and when she turns like she’s never met him, the burn settles in my gut. I walk over to the group and make niceties until I can get him alone.
“Why tonight? Why here?” I’m seething. This is my place, one I created from a vision, and one I share with Bianca.
“I’m not looking for trouble. I admit I came back to make sure she is okay, but not for the reasons you think. I heard about your run in with Costa.”
“Not your business.” My jaw aches from clenching it so tight.
“You’re right. And she isn’t either in that way. You know we all share a history, a past none of us can erase. I’m happy with Lisa, in love with her, and I don’t want to cause problems here. I just want us all to get to the place we can be friends.”
The laughter that erupts sounds bitter, even to my own ears. “Friends? You cut her to the quick. Shredded her until there was nothing, and you still didn’t stop until she was in the hospital fighting for her sanity. You never contacted her, never saw her. You walked away like you always do.”
“I can’t argue with you. I fucked up . . . numerous times. I left for her, because I didn’t want to keep hurting her. Believe me or not, it hasn’t been easy for me. I’ll never discount what we had, but I can say it’s in the past.”
“Then let her come to you, when and if she’s ready.”
He nods. “See you . . . and take care of her.”
“It was never me you had to worry about.” He walks back to the group and finds Lisa. I see them say their goodbyes and watch them walk out the door. Bianca visibly relaxes and seeks me out.
“What did you say?”
“To quit pushing it. If you want a friendship with him, it has to come from you.”
“I’m sorry you still have to deal with my past.”
“As long as that’s what it is.”
“It is.” I kiss her lips and open the door for the general public, hoping the success in my business carries over to my relationship. I feel the tension each time Dakota and Bianca are in the same room, and I’m waiting for it to snap like a rubber band. I don’t know why it’s there or what it will take to make it cease, but it’s pulled tight.
I meet a lot of new customers and spend most of the night in conversations with strangers, the entire time my arms itching to hold her. Lynsey wasn’t going to sing, but I see her from my peripheral vision setting up. Arms circle my waist, and Bianca says, “There is some executive here, and we caught the rumor he was looking for new talent.”
“And she’s going for it?”
“Yep, that girl is fearless. Unless you ask her a personal question.”
“Yet, you never stop.”
“I’m determined.”
The chords of Lynsey’s guitar echo throughout the room, vibrating perfectly off the walls. “Dance with me?” She gives me her hand, and I pull her close.
Swaying, memorizing the feel of her against me, trying to erase the feeling of impending doom, I dance with Bianca and listen to Lynsey sing Jana Kramer’s ‘I Won’t Give Up.’ If I can’t disengage this self-doubt, I’m going to push her away, and even though Dakota says he is in love with Lisa, I know what it’s like to love Bianca, and it’s something you’ll never forget . . . never get over. “I love you,” her mouth whispers against my ear.
“I love you.”
“Hey gorgeous.” She still makes me breathless. I’ve been open in Miami for three months; business is strong, our relationship is solid, and all my fears are lessening.
“Hey.” Her monosyllable response had me on edge immediately. The way she shifted slightly to distance her body from me raises more red flags. I scan the table and she’s clutching a wedding invitation like it’s an anchor to life. I see Dakota and Lisa’s names, and I know. We all knew this was coming.
“You okay?” I want her to know that I see her struggle, but I can’t hide the fact it hurts. It bothers me that he still has the power to affect her.
“Sure.” She couldn’t be less convincing.
I summon the strength to spew bullshit I mean but wish I didn’t. I wish I could demand her to stop this obsession with him. “Bianca, it’s okay to be sad. I told you to be honest with me, no matter what. Hiding is what killed us last time.”
“It’s not fair. I don’t feel right talking to you about this.”
“I see you haven’t clued in to all the shit I’ve been telling you. You need to work through it. I’m here until you tell me not to be.” I’m not okay with this. It shouldn’t hurt her that he’s moved on. She has . . . or maybe not. I thought we were building a future together.
“Heath . . . ” She can’t finish her thought and that is worse than her words.
“Yeah, babe. I mean what I say.” I kiss her cheek and make my way through the club, checking on the clients, and doing my job. I watch as she
chats with Lynsey, and it seems intense, but I don’t care.
I go back to the office, and the picture of us from Angelo’s first birthday grabs my attention. I study her smile, look for any hint of sadness, but I can’t see one. Why does this keep happening to us? I slump into my office chair and fight myself from pouring a drink. If we end, I don’t know that I’ll be able to stay here, be that close to her and not be with her. I’ve hired staff, relocated my entire life, and the outcome always comes back to the same question. Does she love me more? Sounds childish, but I have to be the one who holds her heart, in its entirety, or it’s time to cut the losses.
I hate Dakota Hyatt. He brings her the highest highs and the lowest lows, and I hate her for allowing it. All I’ve ever asked is to love her, nothing more, nothing less. Fuck! I’m so damn tired of this circle, and it seems endless, a constant loop, leaving us all guessing . . . who will she choose? Maybe the choice shouldn’t be hers any longer.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Bianca
Dakota meant what he said. Eighteen months ago at Callie and Bronson’s wedding I walked away. Released him. I thought I had purged him from my system, but this wedding invitation rattles me. I made sure I was over him, was strong enough to devote myself to the love I had for Heath. I was so sure . . . and now I’m not.
I know I love Heath, no doubts. But it’s possible to love two people. It has to be. I still feel like I’m in transition. Evolving. Being with Heath is what my heart led me to, but I haven’t been able to let that last wall down. Total surrender scares the shit out of me.
Seeing the devastation in his eyes, I let him down again. Heath has been the floatation device in the turbulent ocean of Dakota, and I keep letting him down. He’s going to get tired of it one day. Hell, I’m tired of it.
“Fuck!” I vent to no one, seeing as how Heath disappeared when he saw my reaction to the pending nuptials.
“Well, hello to you, too.” I didn’t realize Lynsey had finished her set. “Problems?”
I throw the envelope to her and watch her eyes widen then jerk back to me. “I’d say you do. What are you going to do?”
“Not a fucking clue. Is there anything to do?”
“I’m not the one who can answer that.” She stretches to grab my wrist, flipping it over so I can see the words inscribed there. Etched in my skin for a permanent reminder. ‘Nessun Rimpianto’ . . . no regrets.
“Thanks. That helps a lot.”
“Only you know what you want. You love Heath?”
“Yes,” I answer simply . . . honestly. “But, I love Dakota, too.”
“Where’s your heart?”
“Lost.”
“Find it.”
“Oh-kay.” This is helpful.
“Bianca, I’ve watched you these last few months, you’ve been happy. Free. The ghosts aren’t totally gone from your eyes, but they’ve almost disappeared. One man created them. Another man fights the demons.”
I nod in agreement.
“Maybe it’s time to let him go. I don’t know if you love him so much as you feel responsible for him in a way. His happiness was dependent on you for so long.”
I hold up the cardboard square. “I did let him go. Eighteen months ago. If this doesn’t scream it, I don’t know what does.”
“No, it’s time for you to let him go. Set yourself free. You set him free from you, now do yourself the same courtesy.” She stands and takes the stage, her break over. Her voice drifts through the sound system with a haunting tone. ‘Let it Out’ by Mia Sable carries through the sound system, and I feel like she is singing to me. I wipe a lone tear from my cheek. The only, solitary one I’ve shed in months. I take a deep breath and read the words that have been choking me.
Mr. and Mrs. Preston request your presence in celebrating the marriage of their daughter
Lisa Nicole Preston
to
Dakota James Hyatt
Married. Fuck. Is this how our story ends? One piece of paper destroyed us. Can I allow another one to do the same?
I flee the club and call Callie. “Who the fuck is having an emergency?”
“I need you.”
“Your apartment in twenty.” She hangs up, never questioning me. I don’t know that I’ve ever spoken those words to her. Admitting them terrifies me. I make it home through my tears and go to my closet, dig out the buried boxes of my past.
Callie barges in the door, “Bianca!”
“In the bedroom.”
Taking in my appearance, “What the hell happened? Where’s Heath?”
“He’s at the club. Dakota’s getting married.” The words unleash another constant flow of tears.
She drops to her knees next to me and holds me. “Close your eyes.”
“Not this again.”
“Just close your fucking eyes.” I do. “Try to envision a few years from now. You’re in labor. You’re a hot and sweaty mess, cussing anyone within a ten mile radius.”
I interrupt. “You make childbirth sound like an experience I’d like to partake in over and over. And for the record, I won’t be a hot and sweaty mess.”
“Okay. Pain in the ass. Who is by your side? Who do you want to be the father of your child? Who is giving you the most precious gift in the world?”
“Heath.”
“Then why can’t you let the past go?”
“I don’t know.”
“You do.”
“All the shit I went through this past year, if I let it go, if I pretend it doesn’t matter, it makes me weak.”
“How?”
“If I can get over it, why did it destroy me? Something that had such an impact on my life shouldn’t be easily forgotten.”
“Sometimes it is. None of this has been easy for you. Don’t forget the days you didn’t get out of bed. The months of solitude and soul-searching you endured. You have to forgive him. Forgive yourself.”
“Look at this.” I brush my hand across the piles. Letters, stacks of floral cards, napkins he left on my door. Then a small pile of mementos from Heath. “The piles are vast in difference. So much more is wrapped up in my past.”
She picks up a few and reads them. “You realize most of these are apologies. If your entire relationship was based on apologies, then why the hell do you hold on to that? Look at these.” She picks up Heath’s. “None of these apologize, and you know why? Because he loves you, and you love him. You two work, and whether you figure it all out tonight or tomorrow you have something with him that you never had with Dakota. Let go of your past, and focus on your future.”
“I’m trying. I promise.”
“You aren’t. You’re wavering over a situation that needs no more thought.”
“I think I fucked up.”
“Bianca, how do you not love him?”
“I do.” I pause to wipe the tears flowing quicker than I can wipe them. “I fall in love with him when I wake up every day. I fall in love with him each night I go to sleep. And I fall in love with him all the moments in between.”
“What are you doing siting here?”
“The floor’s comfortable.”
“Binks, get your ass up, and go get your man.”
“I have a stop to make first.”
“Don’t do something stupid.”
“I’m not. I’m doing the smartest thing I’ve ever done. I’m moving forward while burying my past. For good this time.”
I hurry over to his apartment. We all live in the same complex and never cross paths. Amazing. Knocking on the door as loud as I can, it’s pulled open, and I stare at Lisa. My replacement. No, that’s not right. She’s a better version of me . . . for him.
“I’m sorry for being a bitch.”
“You need to talk to Dakota?” I nod. She smiles. Opening the door wider, she invites me in. Dakota steps into the living room, and I don’t feel the butterflies I used to. I’m happy for him. “I’m going to run to the store, take your time.” She looks at both of us and I see th
e trepidation in her eyes. I used to look at him the same way, fear overtaking my happiness.
“You don’t have to go.” I lower my voice making sure I meet her eyes. I need her to know I’m not a threat.
“I do. This is a long time coming.”
“Congrats on your wedding.”
“I hope you’ll be there.”
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