I sigh. This is hard to explain. “Promise me you’ll listen to all I have to say?”
“I promise.”
“I love her. I’ll never stop. She taught me so much about myself, but we weren’t good for each other. She isn’t without faults, but she did nothing to deserve what I did. I’ll carry the guilt even if she forgives me. I won’t forgive myself. That could spur me to welcome her into my life in a way I don’t want . . . I can’t be sure. I’m not saying that to hurt you, but I don’t know if I could risk her again. She hurt herself because of me.”
“No, she did it because of her.”
I can’t believe that. “I don’t see it that way. I pushed, I disrupted her life constantly, and it was because I wanted absolution. I think we both had admitted to ourselves we weren’t right for each other, love or not. We just hadn’t admitted it out loud or to each other. It was the same way we handled things when we first started dating. Neither of us would admit it was a relationship and it took her forever to tell me she loved me; even though I felt it every day. That’s what she was trying to do the night of the wedding, and I turned on her, used my pain against her, and she crumbled. That’s hard to admit because she is one of the strongest people I know.”
“Okay, but do you still want to be with her?”
“No. I want to be in her life but not with her. I hate admitting that because it makes me doubt myself more, wonder if I ever loved her.”
“You did. Sometimes love has an expiration date. It ends to make room for new love. Some people love many people over a lifetime, and it doesn’t diminish their previous relationships, it just shows what a big heart that person has. I’m not saying we’re forever, but maybe Bianca made you better for me. She brought out your weakness, and it makes you stronger, you learned what it was to feel love, to give love, but that was her gift to you.”
“What did I do for her?”
“Loved her. From what you said, she fought it, couldn’t fathom love, but in the end you showed her it was okay.”
“But I didn’t. I reiterated all her fears in the end.”
“Maybe, but if she’s as strong as you say, she’ll come to her own conclusions. Sometimes relationships can be the stepping-stones to your cornerstone of life. It isn’t the first love that’s the strongest . . . it’s the last love.”
“I hope so.”
“Have a little faith.”
“I’m trying. How do you feel about all this?”
“Scared. But I’m having faith in you, in us, that what we are building will be strong enough to withstand temptation. That if she barged in here at this moment, you would be strong for her and for us.”
“I want to be that man.”
“I think you are. You just have to believe it.”
My phone rings and pulls me back to the present. “Hey, man.”
“You ready to get your ass back here?”
“I’m not sure I’m coming back.”
“What the fuck, Dakota?”
“Bronson, I don’t know. I can’t ask Lisa to come back with me to the unknown. And I don’t want to be without her.”
“So you’d stay there? Away from us? You haven’t seen Angelo in a year.”
“I know. I’m confused.”
“If she loves you, it won’t matter to her where y’all live. If you love her, you’ll ease her mind.”
“So when I return I’ll get a welcome reception from everyone?”
“I’m not psychic, but I know she is with Heath. Has been for months.” That shouldn’t bother me, but it does. He got to her when I wasn’t able to.
“Is she happy?”
“Is that your concern anymore?”
“I want to be her friend.”
“I don’t know where she is with that. I try and stay out of her business unless she needs me.”
“She tore you a new asshole when you interfered?”
“Yes, and Callie cut me off. Fuck, my sister is pure genius.”
I laugh, remembering the good times. “She is. That she is. You should learn by now not to cross her.”
“See what you’re missing. If you’ve both moved on, we should all be able to live in the same town.”
“She’s living there?”
“Yeah, Heath is opening a business.”
“What happened to the one he had?”
“If you repeat this, I’ll kill you. He got mixed up with the Costa family, did some minor money laundering. He walked away from it all and gave them his business.”
“And she’s with him? What are you thinking, Bronson?”
“It was a mistake, and if you would pull your head out of your ass you’d realize that isn’t his style. Grief can do funny things to people.”
I need to shut this conversation down. My anger is rising, and I don’t know why. I do know that I’ll be moving back to Miami. “Alright, let me talk to Lisa, and I’ll let you know the plans. Hopefully in the next month we’ll be back.”
“Sounds good. I miss my old partner.”
I pace the living room until Lisa comes through the door. “Will you move back to Miami with me?”
“Whoa. Slow down.”
“The case I was here for is wrapping up. I want to go home.”
“And you want me there?”
“Yes.”
“You’re sure?”
“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t.”
“What spurred this?”
“Bronson called.”
“Bianca?”
“Well the guy she was dating is back in her life. Sometime in the interim he got mixed up with a Mob family.”
“Is he still?”
“No,” I sigh. “He really is a good guy, but I need to make sure she’s safe.”
“So is this about moving home and starting our life, or is it about protecting her?”
“Both,” I’m embarrassed to admit. “I want you by my side. I’m committed to you, but . . .”
“She is important to you. I’m okay with that. Thanks for being honest.”
“So?”
“We’ll try it. If I don’t like it, promise me we can move somewhere else. It doesn’t have to be there or here.”
“As long as we’re together,” I finish her thought. She smiles and walks to me so I can welcome her home the correct way.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Bianca
“Good afternoon, Bianca.”
“Oh Doc, so formal. Good afternoon, Dr. Adams.”
“Still the same. I would hope love would have calmed you.”
“No you don’t. Isn’t lying unethical?”
“What brings you in today?”
“I missed you.”
“Your appointment last week screamed something different. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me how you feel.”
“He’s coming home today. I’m supposed to go to some big welcome home dinner at Bronson and Callie’s new house, and I want to vomit all over this boring beige carpet. You should really consider hardwood floors for instances like this.”
“Deep breaths, Bianca. I assume you mean Dakota is coming home today?”
“And to think it’s said that assume means ass out of you and me. But in your case you assumed correct.”
“Not helping yourself. You’re suppressing what you’re feeling.”
“Can I suppress it to never exist?”
“You know the answer to that. Are you nervous about seeing him or just confronting the past?”
“I haven’t confronted the past. I said goodbye to him a year ago, and he refused to accept it. I spiraled that night to somewhere I never want to go back to. I don’t know what I feel. And if I feel anything, does that mean I’m not over him?”
“Are you?”
“I love Heath.”
“I know you do. But will you ever be over Dakota? As long as you let him have a hold on you, manipulate your feelings . . . you’ll be controlled by doubts.”
“What do you s
uggest?”
“You have to tell me what you’re feeling. You haven’t done that.”
“I’m scared.”
“Of what?”
“Everything when it comes to him. Going backwards. Him starting all over with getting me to forgive him. Heath’s reaction.”
“Only one of those you control. Going backwards. You’ve admitted it, so we work on a plan that doesn’t allow it. Let the others go, you can’t take responsibility for anyone else’s reaction.”
“So when I feel like escaping . . . when it becomes too much, what do I do?”
“You seem sure it will happen.”
“Just preparing.”
“You remember every single day of fighting to get where you are. You remember that you are entitled to your feelings, and you own them. Don’t allow others to tarnish that. You have my cell and can call if you need to, but remember, Bianca, you came to me that first day in deep pain. You’ve shed layers of guilt, blame, hurt, and betrayal. You ripped them off layer by layer and became Bianca Agosto. Don’t start replacing those covers. Remember the crushing weight, the chains they held you in.”
I dig my non-existent nails into my hands. “Okay.” Not as confident as he is in me, but not willing to go back to what I was when I came to him. I was a shell of a human, a fragment of a woman. I was lost, hurt, and dark. I’m not those things anymore.
I leave therapy feeling no better. Jumbled thoughts, anxious, fearful. I wonder if he still looks the same, if his eyes can see through me, and if he’ll admit the resentment I harbor towards him is warranted. I’ve heard the words ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘it was a mistake’ along with ‘I love you’ so many times, but they don’t resonate with me. Those words failed to heal me. I needed to hear ‘it wasn’t you’ or ‘you were enough’ . . . all pointless because my future isn’t with him, but there is something in me that needs closure, and he’s never given it to me in the way I yearn. I don’t even know what it is.
I have to call Heath and let him know. This dinner was sprung on me this morning right after he flew back to Indian Shores to meet with his bank there. The newest venture, Sips & Sounds, is scheduled to open in three months, and I’m grateful he will be a permanent fixture here, as well as Lynsey, although she’s already living in Callie and Bronson’s old apartment. I could have declined the invitation, but if I do, I feel like I’m letting him win. I don’t know what he’s winning, and it’s irrational as hell, but I do have something to prove. That girl he broke, the one he cheated on, discarded and put through hell . . . she doesn’t exist. I dial Heath.
“Hey beautiful.”
“I miss you,” I sigh, my voice weary.
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m leaving Dr. Adams and wanted to hear your voice.” Silence.
“Why did you go there?”
He’s beating himself up for not being here when I needed him. “I got some news today, and I needed to talk through it.”
“I’ll fly home.”
“No. Remember, I have to do some things on my own.”
“So what happened?”
“I got invited to a dinner tonight.” I’m putting off the inevitable.
“Okay. You know how to use a fork and knife, so I don’t see the issue.”
“Dakota is going to be there. Actually, it’s his welcome home dinner.”
“Fuck. Don’t go. Let me fly home, and we’ll go together.”
“Are you doing this because you don’t trust my feelings?” More silence. “If you want to come to hold my hand because you understand this is difficult for me, confronting my past and all that bullshit, or if you want to support me and be by my side, I would jump at that. But you just want to come mark your territory, stake your claim, and watch me. So you know what, fuck you. Stay there.” I press end and fume for a few minutes before driving home and primping and pampering myself.
Fuck you, Dakota Hyatt. I let you ruin my life once, but you get no more chances.
Fuck you, Heath De Luca. I made mistakes, but so have you, and I don’t make you pay for them every time you’re out of my sight.
And fuck you to this bottle of Moscato that is suddenly empty. Fucking liter jug my ass. I barely got a glass.
I wait for Lynsey to pick me up, and during the drive I refuse to rehash my day. “Oh, this is going to be fun.”
“You don’t have to come,” I snip at her.
“And miss this? No way. You’re just tipsy enough to say something that Callie and I will repeat for a year.”
“Lovely.” I’m not amused.
I walk in their front door without a care in the world. I stop and stare. He’s got his arm wrapped around a dwarf. With blond hair. I splash a smile on my face and stalk towards the kitchen. Callie’s eyes widen when she sees me, and Bronson stops mid-sentence. You’d think by their reactions I never get dressed or put on make-up. Dakota turns his head to see what has their attention, and our eyes lock. I don’t see the same fire I used to. I don’t lose myself. In fact, I hate his stomach for holding his guts. And Snow White’s counterpart next to him has a sweet smile and kind eyes. I hate her.
“Hey.” I look at everyone.
“Bianca. This is Lisa, Lisa this is Bianca.”
“I’ve heard so much about you.” Oh kill me now. She’s cute, tiny, and that southern drawl. I dismiss her.
“Well, well you’ve been busier than a one-armed monkey with two dicks.” I don’t give him time to react and walk back to the foyer. “Let’s go.” Lynsey hasn’t made it inside yet. “I can’t be here.”
She doesn’t say a word and goes back to the car so I can escape. After a few miles, she pulls over. “Breathe, Bianca.”
“Give me a minute.”
“Take your time.”
“Just get me home. I want to forget this ever happened.”
“Can I do anything else?”
“Don’t ever let me act like that again. I was shocked. I acted like a bitch. I should be happy he’s moved on, I have.”
“So what happened?”
“He didn’t look sad. He looked happy.”
“Aren’t you?”
“Yes, but I earned it. I struggled. He left. He hasn’t paid his penance.”
“So you want him to hurt?”
“No.”
“You don’t make sense.”
“You should be in my head. It’s scary. He never said sorry for that night.”
“The night he cheated on you? Yes he has.”
“No. Callie and Bronson’s wedding. He sliced me open that night and just disappeared. He hasn’t said a word to me since, and I’ve been working through the pile of shit he heaped on me. I allowed it; I didn’t stand my ground, but seeing him tonight with her…I was mad. I wanted to see remorse not love in his eyes.”
“You want revenge.”
“Does that make me bad?”
“No, Binks, it makes you human. If you exacted it then I’d be worried and demand you switch therapists.”
“Doc and I are pretty tight. He may challenge you to a duel.”
“I’m pretty tough. I can take him.”
“You know I wanted to fix y’all up, but he has a girlfriend. So he says.”
“I’m not in the running to be fixed up.”
“One day . . . one day I’ll get your story.”
“You’ll need more therapy.”
“I’ll ask for a discount. Repeat offender and all.” She grabs my hand and squeezes, laughter sparkling in her eyes.
“I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed me. Besides my meltdown earlier, I’m doing good.”
“You’re doing great.”
“Thank you.” She lets go of my hand and drives us home. “You good or you want me to come over?”
“I’m good. I need to go to bed and pretend this was a dream.”
“Don’t dream of monkeys.” I flip her off. She did hear that backwoods saying, and I’ll never hear the end of it.
Bellissimo Rilascio (Beautiful Release): The Family Series #3 Page 14