“Yeah, I get it. For me, it’s been my relationship with Jen. Before her, I think I was just duct taped together. I had to let her love me before I really started to heal,” Sasha said. “I know it’s not the same as what you’re going through, but maybe we both just needed something big to happen to get us unstuck.”
“If this is what healing feels like, I think I’d rather be stuck in my safe little solitary world.”
“Solitary may be safe, but taking chances is what makes life worth living, my friend.” Sasha stood up from the couch. “I’m going to go check on Jen and the kids.”
Val watched Sasha walk away, her words reverberating in her head. She wondered if she would ever again be brave enough to take a chance. Then her mind brought her an image of laughing blue eyes and a gentle smile. Paige.
Chapter Nineteen
Christmas Eve dawned sunny and cold. Val sat sipping her coffee, thinking through her plans. Soon she would wake the kids up, take them out to breakfast, then begin a day full of surprises. The next few days would be bittersweet, but she was determined to be upbeat and positive for Lily and Ian.
Val showered and dressed, then went into the kids’ room. Lily was buried under the covers, the comforter over her head. Val pulled it back and smiled when Lily groaned, squinting against the light.
“Morning, sunshine. Time to get up. Got a big day ahead.”
“We do?” Lily said, sitting up and rubbing her eyes.
“Yep. It’s Christmas Eve.”
Lily bounded out of bed at that, making Val laugh. She sat on the edge of Ian’s bed. “Time to get up, buddy.” He climbed into her lap, his warm, sleepy body snuggling in for a hug. Val felt tears threaten, but she fought them back.
“Mornin’,” he mumbled, hopping down.
Val sent the kids off to use the bathroom and brush their teeth while she picked out warm clothes for them to wear. Half an hour later, they were in the car on the way to Denny’s.
After a breakfast of chocolate chip pancakes, Val put the kids in the car, then retrieved a large shopping bag from the trunk. Getting behind the wheel, she passed the bag to Lily.
“Why don’t you check out what’s in there,” she said as she started the car. The Christmas station was on the radio, and the Carpenters’ version of “Christmas Song” filled the car. Lily pulled out a pink, squishy garment while Ian grabbed a large blue plastic disk.
“Um, what is it?” Lily asked. Then comprehension dawned. “Ian, that’s a sled.” Lily held up the garment. “And these are snow pants.”
“That’s right,” Val said. “Figured they’d come in handy since we’re going sledding.”
Lily squealed, and Ian’s chocolate-chippy grin spread ear to ear. Val drove to the large sledding hill in the park. At just after ten, the parking lot was mostly empty. The kids would have the hill to themselves for a little while. Val helped them bundle up in their snow pants, mittens, and hats, then let them go. She watched as Lily helped Ian trudge up the hill and get on his sled, and then gave him a push.
Val used her phone to take picture after picture of Ian’s wide-eyed excitement and Lily’s flush-faced grins. They were making memories, and Val’s heart was full. After an hour of fun, the kids were sweaty and tired from climbing the hill.
“Did you have fun?” Val asked as they headed for the car. Ian nodded vigorously.
“That was awesome,” Lily said. “I want to go again soon. Can we bring Emma?”
Swallowing hard, Val forced a smile. “Maybe, kiddo.” Just like that, she was hit with her impending loss. She was going to lose the kids, and once they were gone, Paige probably would be, too. Life was just reminding her that getting close to people wasn’t worth the heartache. That was the well-worn mantra she’d lived by for years, wasn’t it? But as she looked at Lily and Ian, she realized how much had changed. Every single minute with the kids, and with Paige, had been worth it.
Back at home, Val had the kids take a warm shower, then they all had a mug of hot cocoa with marshmallows. Afterward, they plopped on the couch to watch Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, her favorite Christmas cartoon. As the show began, Lily laid her head on Val’s shoulder with a sigh.
“This is the best day ever,” she said.
Val put an arm around her and hugged her close. “Yes, it is,” she whispered, placing a kiss on the top of Lily’s head.
God, please help me get through this.
* * *
Though trying valiantly to stay awake, Lily and Ian could hardly keep their eyes open. Val had taken them out again at dinnertime for hot dogs at Heid’s, then to Lights on the Lake. The kids had oohed and aahed over all the light sculptures, and Ian had talked more than she’d ever heard him, pointing out all the things he was seeing. Back at home, they had stayed up playing Uno and watching Christmas shows. Val had shown them NORAD’s Santa Tracker on her laptop, which had sparked a spirited discussion about how Santa managed to bring presents to the whole world in one night.
“All right, kiddos, time for bed. Santa won’t come until you’re sleeping.”
“Do you really think Santa will find us? He didn’t come last year because we moved, and now we’re in another place again.” Lily’s worried eyes shone with unshed tears, and Ian stared at the floor, his bottom lip quivering.
Val pulled them close. “I absolutely know he’s coming. A little elf friend of mine told me so.”
“You know an elf?” Ian said, eyes wide.
“Yep, since I was a kid. He only lets me see him, though, once a year at Christmastime.” Val ruffled his hair, then kissed the top of his head. “You need to get to sleep now, young man. You, too, Lil.”
Val tucked the kids in, switched on their night-light, and quietly walked to the door. Just before she closed it, Lily murmured, “’Night, Mama.”
Ouch. “Good night, little one. Sweet dreams.”
Val went to her room and pulled their already wrapped Christmas gifts from the closet. She waited until she was sure the kids were asleep, then placed the packages beneath the little tree they’d set up in the living room. She straightened and stood looking at the half dozen ornaments the kids had made in school, hung front and center on the tree. Val’s heart ached, and the strain of keeping up the excitement for the kids’ sake had taken its toll. A wave of pain washed over her as she slipped into bed, and she cried herself to sleep.
Chapter Twenty
The week after Christmas had been a busy one for Paige so far. She’d made phone calls, answered emails, gone on home visits, and gotten two new cases. She managed to postpone until Thursday afternoon the one contact she really didn’t want to make, but she couldn’t put it off any longer. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly, then placed the call.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Val…it’s Paige.”
“Oh, hi. How are you?”
Not much better than you’re about to be. “Good. How was Christmas with the kids?”
“Great.” Paige could hear the smile in Val’s voice as she answered. “They were so excited.” Just as quickly, she heard Val’s smile disappear. “I’m so glad I could give them that,” she said quietly.
“Me, too.” Paige cleared her throat, hesitating. Just do your job. “Listen, Val, I have to arrange the first visit with Sheryl Watkins. I was thinking Tuesday. Would that be okay?”
“I haven’t told them yet.” Val’s voice suddenly sounded very small.
Oh, honey. “Do you want me to be there when you do?” Paige asked.
“I don’t know. I mean, have you ever done that before for anyone else?”
You’re not just anyone else. “Well, no, but I know it’s going to be a tough conversation, and I can be there for moral support.” Val was silent, and Paige could imagine the internal battle taking place on the other end of the line.
Finally, Val replied, “I think I would like you to be there.” She sounded so vulnerable, Paige wanted to run to her right then. A flicker of hope warmed Paige’s hea
rt. She isn’t pushing me away.
“Okay. I could come over tomorrow afternoon or Monday.”
“Maybe Monday, so they don’t have too much time to think about it. Hey, you met her, right?” Val asked.
“Sheryl? Yes, I did her home study.”
“Can you tell me about her?”
Paige completely understood Val’s need to know. “Well, she’s in her early fifties and seemed very nice. The house was clean, and she has a cat. She told me how she used to see Kayla a lot when she was young, but there had been a falling out between her and Kayla’s parents. She’d had no idea that Kayla’s life had spiraled out of control, or even that she had children. But she seemed willing to help.”
“Is she married?”
“Yes, but her husband was at work, so I didn’t get the chance to meet him.” Val was silent for so long, Paige thought the call had dropped. “Val?”
“I’m here.”
“Listen, I know this is hard, but it’s important to make the transition as smooth as possible for the children. I have every reason to think that they’ll be fine. Okay?”
“Yeah,” Val said, her voice gruff. “Guess I’ll see you Monday, then.”
“Yes. I’ll be there by three thirty. Have a good night, Val.”
“I’ll try. Thanks, Paige.”
“No problem. Bye.” Paige held her ear to the phone long after Val ended the call, feeling miserable. The proximity of her coworkers seemed to close in on her as she willed herself not to cry. As difficult as her job was sometimes, Paige knew without a doubt that she’d never struggled this much. Paige could no longer deny why this case felt so personal.
* * *
Val’s stomach felt like she’d swallowed a beehive, and it was all she could do not to throw up as she headed home from work. Linda had thankfully sensed her mood and left her alone all day, rather than bombarding her with the usual chatter. The kids would be getting off the bus just a few minutes before Paige arrived, and then they’d have to do it. She still had no idea how to tell Lily and Ian that they had to leave.
Val parked in the driveway and had just gotten her key in the front door when Paige pulled in behind her. She stepped out of her car, looking stunning and sophisticated in a long gray wool coat accented by a burgundy scarf and gloves. Her golden hair was loose, a slight breeze moving it against her cheeks. She looked up at Val, and the compassion in her eyes nearly made Val crumble right there on her front step.
“Hey,” Paige said, raising her gloved hand in a wave as she approached. “You okay?”
“Not even a little bit,” Val replied with a shaky smile. “Come on in.”
They removed their coats and sat at the kitchen table. Paige was quiet, which was exactly what Val needed to get herself together. Finally, Val looked at her and sighed. “I’m not gonna lie, Paige. I have no idea how I’m going to do this. Do other foster parents have such a hard time when kids leave?”
“Sometimes, depending on how long the kids were with them and how strong a bond they developed. Maybe it’s harder for you because you’ve been on the other side of it.”
“Yeah. I’ve definitely been remembering stuff I haven’t thought about in a long time.” Val fidgeted with her eagle pendant, the cool silver grounding her. “My grandmother used to tell me and my brother how strong we were, how she believed our lives would turn out okay. Guess she was right about me. I really hope my brother is doing okay, too. Wish I knew.”
“If he’s anything like you, I’m sure he’s fine,” Paige replied. Val looked at Paige’s lovely face and saw genuine kindness and concern, and she didn’t know what to do with that. She generally didn’t trust such platitudes from others, no matter how well meant. She usually felt that people were simply trivializing her concerns or had their own agenda. But something about Paige made her believe she truly cared, and that was enough to make all her red flags stand up and wave.
Outside, the brakes of the school bus squealed, signaling that the kids had arrived home. Val went to the door to greet them, and she felt the hot sting of tears as she watched Lily take Ian’s mittened hand and walk him across the road. Once safely across, they broke into a run, all rosy-cheeked youthful exuberance, and nearly tackled Val with hugs.
“Hey, guys. How was your day?” Val asked, somehow summoning cheerfulness. Ian gave her a grin and a thumbs-up. Lily launched into her daily chatter about life in third grade as she removed her coat and boots.
“We had a sub today, and the boys were bad. We all had to miss ten minutes of recess,” she said indignantly. “Oh, and I got an A on my math test, and Sadie’s still out with the flu.” Lily walked into the kitchen and stopped dead in her tracks at the sight of Paige.
“Hi, Lily. Hi, Ian,” she said with a smile.
“Hi. Where’s Emma?” Lily asked.
“She’s at her Brownie meeting. She goes to Mrs. Wallace’s room after school.”
“Oh, yeah.”
“Miss Paige is here to talk to us. Why don’t you go put your backpacks in your room while I get you a snack?” Val watched as they scampered down the hall, then she abruptly turned and went to get some animal crackers, banging the cupboard door a little too hard in the process.
“Val, just breathe,” Paige said behind her. “I’ll do all the talking, okay?”
Paige sipped from her bottle of water as the kids ate their snack, going over in her mind what she would say. When they were done, she glanced at Val, who was standing behind Ian’s chair, then smiled at the kids.
“Okay, guys, I came over today because I’ve got some news.” Ian fiddled with the straw in his juice box, but Lily stared at her, waiting, and Paige smiled. “You have a family member who would like to meet you.”
“A family member?” Lily said, frowning.
“Yep. Her name is Sheryl, and she’s your mom’s aunt, so that makes her your great-aunt.”
“We don’t know her,” Lily said. “Why does she want to meet us?”
“Well, you know your mom got into some trouble, right?” At this, Ian’s gaze snapped up. “She won’t be able to come home for a while, so Aunt Sheryl wants to make sure you have family around to be there for you.”
“Oh.” Lily eyes traveled to Val, then Ian, then back to Paige. “When do we have to meet her?”
“I can pick you up early from school tomorrow, and we’ll go to her house,” Paige replied. “She’s very excited to meet you.”
“Where does she live?”
“In a place called Victor, outside of Rochester. It’s about an hour and a half from here.”
“That’s far,” Lily said. “We can’t go that far on a school night, right, Mama?” Lily looked at Val, and Paige watched as Val gripped the back of Ian’s chair so hard her knuckles turned white, giving away the tremendous effort it took for her to muster an encouraging smile.
“It’s okay, kiddo. You’ll be home in time for bed.”
Lily thought about it for a few moments, then shrugged. “Okay.” Ian looked at his sister, then nodded.
“Go on back to your room and do your homework while I talk some more with Miss Paige, okay?” Val said.
“C’mon, Ian,” Lily said, and off they went.
Val sat down heavily in the chair Ian had vacated. “That went better than I expected,” she said. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. That Lily is a smart one, huh?” Paige said.
“Yes. That’s exactly what I’m afraid of. She’s going to figure out what’s going on, and I don’t know how she’ll react.”
“Guess we’ll find out,” Paige replied. She reached out and put a hand on Val’s arm. “You did great, by the way.”
“It’s going to get a lot harder, and soon. I remember when I left my first foster home to go to another one. They had to drag me to the car, kicking and screaming. Lily’s a lot like I was—what if she reacts that way?” Val looked up at Paige, and tears tracked slowly down her cheek.
“We’ll just have to do our best to p
repare her. That’s all we can do.” Paige ran her thumb up and down the soft cotton of Val’s shirtsleeve, then gave her arm a squeeze and reluctantly removed her hand. The emotion on Val’s face was so raw that Paige wanted to gather her in her arms and not let go. She needed to leave before she crossed that line. Clearing her throat, she stood up and grabbed her purse off the counter. She pulled out a folded paper and a pen.
“I need you to sign this transport form. I’ll bring it to school when I pick up the kids tomorrow. The visit will be four hours, so I should have them back between seven and eight.”
“Okay,” Val said, picking up the pen. She scribbled her signature and gave the paper back. “Are you going to stay with them the whole time?”
“Just the first hour or so, until they settle in. Val, listen. I know you’re going to worry, but it’ll be okay.”
“That’s what you keep telling me.” Val softened her words with a small smile.
“I’ve got to go pick up Emma. See you later.” Paige put on her coat and walked to the door. Val opened it and stood there, her shadowed eyes revealing her exhaustion. “Good night, Val.”
“’Night.”
As Paige drove home, she thought about the numerous situations she’d been in with other foster parents, when it was no problem for her to keep her professional distance. For the umpteenth time, she contemplated what it was about Valerie Cruz that affected her so deeply. She was attracted to her, of course, but it was more than that. Paige yearned to know everything about her, to soothe her pain, to make her laugh, to show her how special she was. She wondered if she’d ever get the chance.
Chapter Twenty-one
The next visit was to be an overnight, and all day Val was painfully aware that the kids wouldn’t be there after school. At lunchtime, she was surprised to receive a phone call from Connie.
Taking Chances Page 11