The Bare Bum Gang and the Valley of Doom

by Anthony McGowan

  'You'll see,' says Noah wisely. I mean I say, because I'm Noah.

  Then I hear the walkie-talkie start to crackle, which means Ludo's one is transmitting.

  'Listen up, everyone,' I say. 'It's beginning. Everything will become clear.'

  And the others all gather closer. We all hear the sound of the walkie-talkie being lowered through the branches. And then we hear voices.

  'That's Dockery,' says Jenny.

  'And that's Alfie,' says Jamie.

  And we hear everything they say. The whole dastardly story of deceit and lies and nastiness. I look at their faces. First they are blank, then amazed, then angry, then furious.

  Then we hear the tumbling crunching sound of poor brave Ludo falling out of the tree, and a few seconds later there's his courageous voice saying, 'Noah, attack! Attack now! Give them everything you've got.'

  That makes me proud to be Ludo's second-in-command again.

  Jamie and Jennifer want to charge straight down. But I say, 'Softly softly catchee monkey,' or something like that because I know lots of good sayings. So then I lead them carefully round behind the Dockery mob, keeping to the bushes and undergrowth. There is one bad moment when Jamie steps in some kind of poo – probably weasel, or possibly stoat – but he wipes it off on a handy chocolate wrapper, and we're off again.

  A few metres away we spot them. Dockery, William Stanton, James Furbank, Paul Larkin, Carl Hughes, the whole gang. They have their backs to us. Ludo is facing them, looking as brave as Spider-man, Batman, Superman and Wonderwoman combined. I don't mean he looks a bit like a woman, I just mean he looks as brave as her.

  Then I see something surprising. Naughty Alfie is next to Ludo. They are being pushed remorselessly back towards the terrifying torrent that is the Great Grey-Green Greasy Limpopo River. They teeter on the edge. It's now or never.

  'Chaaaaaaarge!'

  Chapter Twenty

  THE GREAT BATTLE OF

  THE LIMPOPO RIVER

  'Chaaaaaarge,' yelled Noah, sounding not a bit like himself.

  Noah was basically the nicest boy in the world, but now he sounded like a manic Samurai warrior crossed with King Kong with a dash of rabid wolverine thrown in for good measure.

  And he wasn't just shouting 'Charge', he was actually charging as well. And the rest of the Bare Bum Gang were with him, in all their magnificent glory. Jennifer was next, her face exactly like a picture of an Amazon girl warrior I'd seen in my book of legends. Then came Jamie, who, as Gang General, should probably have been leading the charge. But he wasn't a very fast runner, or a fast thinker, so he was usually better off following where others led. And last came The Moan, not moaning, but shouting his head off like the rest of them. And as they charged they let loose a volley from their heavy artillery – the water cannons, pumped up to maximum power.

  Dockery and his gang spun round at the first scream of 'Charge'. The tremendous spectacle of the attacking Bare Bum Gang made them stagger back, their faces filled with shock and awe.

  Then Dockery started to laugh. 'Oh, it's only that bunch of wimps,' he said.

  'Yeah,' sneered Larkin, 'with their icklewickle water pistols.'

  'Let's bash 'em,' growled Firbank.

  'And mash 'em,' added Stanton.

  'This is perfect,' said Dockery. 'Like lambs to the slaughter. We can get the whole lot of them together.'

  Then it hit them.

  Now, the Super Soaker Aqua-Shock HydroBlitz packs a decent punch, but on its own it wouldn't take out a big oaf like Dockery. Not filled with water.

  But the water cannon and pistols weren't filled with water, but Special Mixture Number Eight. I'd realized the fatal flaw in our first plan to attack the Dockery den. The delivery system, meaning the balloons, just wasn't reliable enough. But I'd fixed that now.

  You could definitely smell the streams of foulness before they hit you. It was as if the smelliest tramp in the world had come and sat next to you on the bus and then rammed your nose into his armpit. No, it was worse than that, because this was wet and soaked you and there was no escaping it. It was a tidal wave of stink.

  The Bare Bum Gang aimed well, zapping every one of the Dockery mob. The trouble was that Alfie and I were standing right behind them, so we also got hit, but not too badly. Even so, I nearly fainted with the foulness of it, and Alfie fell onto all fours and looked like he was going to throw up.

  You can imagine how much worse it was for the Dockery Gang. They got it right in their faces, in their open mouths, in their ears. It was carnage. All you could hear were their screams and wails as they waved their hands in front of their faces in a futile attempt to fend off the deadly flood.

  But Dockery wasn't quite finished yet. Bellowing like a bull, he pushed forward against the blast, using nothing but his brutish strength. Horrible though he was, I had to admire the courage of my opponent. It looked like he was going to reach Noah, whose stream from his rifle was now a dribble, before he had the chance to switch to a pistol. That would have been a disaster – if he reached Noah we'd have to surrender to save him from getting a terrible bashing.

  'Here!' yelled Jenny, and threw me her spare weapon, a Max Infusion Flash Flood. I caught it in one hand, did a forward roll through the middle of the Dockery formation, spun and took careful aim.

  The Flash Flood hasn't got the raw power of the HydroBlitz, but it's way more accurate. I'll let others claim it's a girl's weapon – I prefer to describe it as a precision instrument, designed for pinpoint, scientific squirting. I fired a stream straight up Dockery's nose and into his brain.

  That finished him. He stopped dead in his tracks. His eyes went blank. Then he collapsed backwards, squashing two of the others.

  Chapter Twenty-one

  VICTORY!

  'Cease fire!' I commanded.

  The battle was won. Dockery and the others dragged themselves away, gagging and spluttering, wailing like babies who had lost their dummies.

  The Bare Bum Gang all gathered round. They were exhausted from the fight, and they'd all suffered from the terrible stink power of Special Mixture Number Eight. There was something else in their faces as well; something that held them back from celebrating the victory.

  It was Jenny who spoke first.

  'We're really sorry,' she said meekly. 'We should have believed you and not him.'

  She pointed to the side of the Great Grey-Green Greasy Limpopo River where Alfie was still cowering. I'd completely forgotten about him.

  'Will you be our Gang Leader again, like the Olden Days?'

  'Of course I will,' I said, and I couldn't stop myself from grinning. 'If that's what you all want.'

  'YES!' they all shouted.

  'I'm sorry too,' said Alfie, looking up at me.

  'Tell us the truth, Alfie,' I said to him in a level voice. 'You spied on us and told Dockery we were coming, and which route we were taking, didn't you?'

  He nodded.

  'And then you rescued us, so you could look like a hero, didn't you?'

  'I only wanted to be friends,' he said sadly. 'I wanted to be in your gang more than anything. And I didn't mean all that bad stuff to happen. It just all got out of control.'

  'But you did steal the sweets and blame it on me, didn't you?' I asked, more sternly. 'You crammed the papers in my binocular case when we weren't looking.'

  Alfie didn't answer. He just looked down, his lip started to quiver and he began to cry.

  'What a horrible little creep,' sighed The Moan. 'I say we push him in the stream and throw stones at him to teach him a lesson.'

  'Good idea,' said Jamie. 'Not stones, though, just mud.'

  I looked at little Alfie, all pale and alone, and I felt sorry for him. It's hard moving to a new place and trying to make friends. We've all made mistakes and done things we regret.

  'I don't think we should do anything horrible to him,' I said after I'd thought for a moment. 'Everyone deserves a second chance.'

  'You're not going to let him in the
Gang, are you?' said Jenny. 'Not after all he's done?'

  'No way,' I replied. 'He can go and join the Commandos. I'll tell Declan he's OK.'

  That was actually quite a cunning plan. The Commandos weren't our enemies, but they were still our rivals. I liked the idea of them having a rubbish gang member, which would make them much less cool.

  You have to be clever like that when you're a Gang Leader.

  Alfies topped crying and mumbled, 'Thanks.'

  'You can go now,' I said.

  As he ran away, The Moan gave him a quick squirt of Special Mixture Number Eight up the backside.

  'I don't know about you lot,' I said, 'but I'm going home for a bath. I smell like something that's been scraped off the floor in the zoo.'

  Everyone laughed, and we set off out of the Valley of Doom.

  I found myself walking next to Noah. I put my arm around his shoulders. 'Thanks,' I said. 'You were magnificent.'

  He looked up at me, and I thought we were about to have some more tears, but happy ones this time. But he pulled himself together, remembering that crying is still mainly suitable for girls.

  'Welcome back,' he said. 'Welcome back.'

  Ludo's Top Ten Tips for

  Repelling Your Enemies

  If you have a really cool den then there is a good chance it will come under attack from your enemies. If they get close enough, they will do terrible things to your den, such as utterly destroy it, wee in it, take your sweet stash, put rude graffiti in it, etc., etc. It is therefore very important to properly defend your den. I have already explained how to make brilliant traps, such as the Smarties-tube Fart Bomb trap. Here are some of the other things you could do. If you do all of them, then I guarantee no enemies will ever succeed in conquering you or your den. Plus, if the earth is ever invaded by gaseous aliens from Uranus, you will be safe inside your den, even if the rest of the planet is reduced to smouldering rubble.

  1. Dig a moat. This should be at least three metres deep and should go all around your den. If you can, you should fill the moat with crocodiles, alligators, poisonous snakes, sharks, Loch Ness monsters etc. etc., which will eat, poison or scare your enemies before they have the chance to destroy you. In the Olden Days, all the toilets in a castle would empty into the moat, which would also put off people from swimming across. You probably shouldn't copy this, as someone might see you doing a wee in the moat and tell your mum or the teacher.

  2. Get some old chicken bones and arrange them to look like a human skellington just outside your den. That will make your enemies think that you have a special beam that can skellify them if they attack.

  3. Make an early warning system to stop your enemies sneaking up on you. Get some tin cans. Punch a hole in the bottom of each one (get a grown-up to do this if you are a wuss, or ask someone in the army who will blast lots of holes in your cans with a machine gun), then tie them together with fishing line (or your dad's shoe laces) and hide them near your den. Your enemies will get tangled up in the cans, making a terrible racket. You will then be able to counter-attack. Or run away.

  4. Have a really rubbish den that no-body would want to invade or destroy. You could put little pink curtains up in it and have a dolly tea service laid out.

  5. Build a dummy den a little way off from your real den. Your enemies will then destroy the pretend den and run off, whooping like baboons. You can then laugh at them for being silly fools, idiots, nincompoops, baboons, etc., etc.

  6.. Run away. Sometimes, if you are heavily outnumbered, or if your enemies are big and hairy, running away is a perfectly good plan and not even a bit cowardly.

  7. Get a vicious guard dog, such as the one in another brilliant Bare Bum Gang story: The Bare Bum Gang Battle the Dogsnatchers. He is called Rude Word because his name is a rude word I'm not allowed to say.

  8. Cover your den in a cloak of invisibility.

  Admittedly, this only works in books with wizards in them, but if you are in one of those books, then it is a good plan.

  9. Find a mad scientist who will help you to develop a special ray that skellifies your enemies (see number 2 above).

  10. I can't think of any more tips, which is very annoying as ten is a nice round number, and I was told I could have a pound for every one I thought up. Can you help me out?

  It all started when Jennifer Eccles said she wanted to be in our gang. Until then we were just called the Gang . . .

  Meet Ludo, Noah, Jamie and Phillip –

  THE BARE BUM GANG!

  The gang's new name is bad enough, but things are about to get much worse. Their number one enemies have challenged them to a football match, and the prize at stake is the gang den. And guess what – THEY'RE ALL COMPLETELY RUBBISH AT FOOTBALL!

  How can they save the den? How can

  they get back their pride?

  Find out in the first

  Bare Bum Gang adventure!

  978-1-862-30386-7

  Ludo, Noah, Jamie, Phillip and Jennifer are THE BARE BUM GANG! They have an embarrassing name but a cool Gang Den, so things could be worse.

  The newest member of the gang is Rude Word, the world's ugliest dog – and he's causing trouble. He's throwing up strange furry body parts . . . and Mrs Cake's dog Trixie is missing! Ludo and the gang have to turn detective and get to the bottom of this gross mystery. But when other pets disappear, they realize the mystery is bigger than they'd thought.

  Can they get Rude Word

  off the hook?

  978-1-862-30387-4

  COMING SOON!

  Ludo and Noah help out an old tramp who has been hassled by their enemies, the Dockery gang. They call him King Arthur as he dresses in homemade armour. Is he crazy or is the 'treasure' he asks Ludo to rescue real? The gang have to sneak past security guards and vicious dogs to get to the abandoned Corbin tower. Are they brave enough to take on this quest to find the Holy Grail?

  Discover the truth in the awesome

  new Bare Bum Gang adventure.

  978-1-862-30389-8

  Teggs is no ordinary dinosaur – he's an ASTROSAUR! Captain of the amazing spaceship DSS Sauropod, he goes on dangerous missions and fights evil – along with his faithful crew, Gypsy, Arx and Iggy!

  When a greedy gang of meat-eating raptors raid the Sauropod and kidnap two top athletes, Teggs and his crew race to the rescue. But there's more to the raptors' plot than meets the eye.

  Can Teggs solve their rascally riddle in time?

  978-0-099-47294-0

  Genius cow Professor McMoo and his trusty sidekicks, Pat and Bo, are the star agents of the C.I.A. – short for COWS IN ACTION! They travel through time, fighting evil bulls from the future and keeping history on the right track. . .

  When Professor McMoo invents a brilliant TIME MACHINE, he and his friends are soon attacked by a terrifying TER-MOO-NATOR – a deadly robo-cow who wants to mess with the past and change the future! And that's only the start of an incredible ADVENTURE that takes McMoo, Pat and Bo from a cow paradise in the future to the SCARY dungeons of King Henry VIII. . .

  It's time for action. COWS IN ACTION!

  978-1-862-30189-4

  Young Teggs Stegosaur is a pupil at ASTROSAURS ACADEMY – where dinosaurs train to be ASTROSAURS. With his best friends Blink and Dutch beside him, amazing adventures and far-out fun are never far away!

  Arriving at the academy, the new astrocadets face their first mission – to camp out in a deserted space wilderness and bring back something exciting for show-and-tell. But the sneaky tricks of a rival team mean big trouble for Teggs, Blink and Dutch – especially when a T.rex ship crash-lands close by with a VERY hungry crew. . .

  978-1-862-30553-3

  BONSAI! THIS IS WAR

  My big brother and sister, William and Mel, may be older than me and biggerer than me, but they're not cleverer than me. Just because the chips of the world are stacked against me like a potato mountain doesn't mean they can beat me. Revenge will be mine!

  Or rather mine and the Rev
engers', and a boa constrictor caled Alfred's. Let loose the snakes of doom and see how they like it then! I shall have my revenge before you can say 'peanut butter and jam sandwiches'! Actually shouldn't have mentioned peanut butter and jam sandwiches. Forget you ever read that. If you don't, I may have to kill you.

  The first book in a brilliant and hilarious series by award-winning comic writer, Jamie Rix.

  9780440864769