If It's Only Love

by Ryan, Lexi

  “He knows.”

  “And is he going to L.A. with you?”

  “No.” Does he think that’s how this works? That if I can’t have him, I’ll take George, despite the lies? Despite the fact that my heart belongs to Easton? My thoughts muddle and blur, and the world around me seems hazy. “All I know is I have to have a way to take care of this baby. I have to make that my priority.”

  He closes his eyes. “By moving to L.A.”

  “There are some things that aren’t clear to me, but I want to be a mom. This baby was unexpected and unplanned but not unwanted.”

  “How can you say that when he is the father? He was married and slept with you.”

  “So were you!” I push myself off the swing. I shouldn’t have come here. But one thing is clear. I have to move. Because I don’t think I can survive seeing Easton all the time and knowing he’ll never be mine.

  “Were you going to tell me?”

  “I should’ve told you the second you opened your door on Monday. I know that. I just . . .” What excuse do I have? I wanted one more time with you? I didn’t think my heart would survive losing you a third time?

  His eyes are watery, and he tilts his face up to the ceiling of the covered porch. “Trying to raise this baby alone in L.A. is a big mistake.”

  “I don’t need your approval.” I walk to where I parked my car on the street, only looking back when I open the door. He’s not running after me. He’s just standing there, staring at the ground. I didn’t realize that part of me was hoping that when circumstances turned against us a third time, he might choose me anyway. And watching him stand there, watching him let me go, I feel my heart break once more.

  Easton

  Shay walked away, and I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck.

  It’s been an hour since she stormed off the porch at her brother’s house and left me behind to deal with my shock and confusion.

  She’s having his baby.

  There’s part of me that keeps waiting for her to track me down and say it was all a bad joke. A mistake. Anything.

  We’ve never been able to get the timing right. Before I left for L.A., she was too young. Then Scarlett was pregnant; then Abi was sick. And now . . .

  She’s having his baby.

  “You look like hell,” Carter says, sliding into the booth across from me.

  Shay walked away, and I came to Jackson Brews. I let the nanny know I’d be home late, and I fully intended on getting completely shitfaced. But so far I haven’t had more than a couple of sips of my beer, and the double Bulleit I ordered sits untouched in front of me.

  “You okay?” he asks.

  “She’s having his baby.” The words are no easier to say after an hour of hearing them on repeat in my head.

  Carter grabs my bourbon and takes a big swig, grimacing a little as he puts it back down. “The situation’s so fucked up. First of all, I can’t even wrap my brain around Shay getting involved with this guy to begin with, but then, get this—according to Teagan, she had a talk with him and they agreed he wouldn’t be part of the baby’s life. Who does that?”

  I snap my head up. “She said that?”

  “Apparently. Teagan said she didn’t want George involved, and he was uninterested.” He shakes his head. “Seriously, he’s just gonna have a kid out there and not even care?” Carter releases a humorless laugh at my arched brow. “Right. I guess you’d know something about that with your dad.”

  “I never understood it either. My first thought when I found out Scarlett was pregnant was just to figure out the best way I could be a dad to the kid.”

  “And then it turned out you weren’t Abi’s dad at all.”

  “Don’t say that.” The words come out harsher than I intended, but I don’t care when his felt like a blow.

  “Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”

  “I know, but Abi and I talk about it. We talk about how words matter and we choose the words we use for our relationship. While I might not be her biological father, I am her dad. That has nothing to do with DNA. Fuck, look at my father. He’s the best evidence to prove that doesn’t mean shit.”

  “I’d say you’re the best evidence of that, East. You are a great dad to Abi.”

  The pride on his face makes my throat go thick, and I have to swallow a lump of emotion I’m not equipped to deal with right now. “Thanks.”

  He leans back in the booth. “I’m supposed to let my little sister raise a baby on her own in another state?”

  “She’ll land on her feet. This is Shay.” But it burns like hell.

  “It’s not that I don’t think she can do it. She’s going to be an amazing mom. But hell, Easton. I watched your mom. It was so much harder for her than it was for my parents, and there were six of us. It’s just harder without a partner, and I don’t want that for her.” He sighs. “Also something you’re familiar with.”

  I roll my pint glass back and forth between my palms. “Not exactly. Scarlett might not be the most consistent parent, but she is involved. She loves Abi and makes sure she knows it. That alone is worth so much.”

  “Where’s your head with all this?” Carter asks. “Is this . . . The baby, the move to L.A.—is it really a deal breaker for you?”

  “She didn’t give me a chance to make a decision. She didn’t even tell me, just changed her plans to exclude me.” I realize that’s the part that hurts the most. She was ready to leave for her interview without telling me at all. Was she going to wait until the news made its way back to me through the grapevine? Or maybe she planned to call me from California and tell me from there. Was she too scared, or did she—

  I cut the thought off before it can fully form. I know she wasn’t planning to pretend the kid was mine. That’s not how Shayleigh functions.

  “Teagan said Shay’s a mess about it,” Carter says, and I know he’s poking around for more.

  “That makes two of us.”

  He takes another sip from my bourbon. “Sorry. I didn’t realize I needed this.”

  I shake my head. “That’s okay. You can have it. I don’t have the stomach for the hard stuff tonight, after all.”

  “Can I ask you a question?”

  “Yeah,” I say wearily. The last person to preface a question with that was Shay. She wanted to know what I would have done if I’d known Abi wasn’t mine. In retrospect, it’s pretty obvious that she didn’t tell me about her pregnancy on Monday because I gave the wrong answer. Every second since she walked away from me this afternoon, I’ve been mentally poking at my answer—testing it for inaccuracies. But I gave her my honest response.

  “Are you in love with my sister?”

  “Fuck, I thought you were going to ask me something difficult. Yes. Of course I’m in love with her. Madly.”

  Carter’s eyes widen and his jaw goes slack. I’ve shocked him. I don’t know if he wasn’t expecting that answer or if he wasn’t expecting it to come out so easily. “Wow. I thought you two might be on your way there, but . . . already?”

  “Always.” I squeeze my eyes shut. “And I’m pretty sure it goes both ways.”

  “Me too,” he says softly. “But if you love her, why are you letting her do this?”

  I scrub a hand over my face. “Fuck, Carter. I think she might be a better person than me, because she stepped back twice. Two times she stepped back so I could do what I needed to do for my daughter. And if she wants to move to L.A. and raise this kid on her own, then I . . .”

  “You don’t want her to stay?”

  “Yes, I want her to stay. I want her to be here with you guys. She’ll be all alone out there. I want her to have help.” I shake my head. “I know her well enough to know she thinks this makes her like Ann. I bet she doesn’t want your mom to find out that the father is married.” Other than that foolish slip with Shay, Carter’s the only one I ever told about Frank’s infidelity.

  “Since when does Shay know about Ann?”

  I drop my gaze
to the table, and Carter curses. “I shouldn’t have said anything. In the moment, I was trying to explain that I want to be as good a father as Frank was.”

  “By bringing up that you thought he was a cheater? Jesus, Easton, it’s not even true.”

  I lift my head. “What?”

  “It’s not even true. When my mom was sick, when we thought we might lose her too, I finally talked to her about it, and she said it’s not true.”

  “But your father sold the whole business. Ann said he was in love with her but felt awful about it and sold the business as a way to recommit to his family.”

  “Ann was his assistant at the construction company. If she was the problem, he could have just replaced her. He sold the company and started the brewing business because that’s what he wanted to do.” Carter swirls the bourbon in its glass. “She was in love with Dad. Mom knew, but Dad didn’t reciprocate. It was awkward, but Ann had a kid at home, so Mom and Dad didn’t want her to lose the job, and since plans to sell were already in the works, Dad just rode it out.”

  I think back to the woman Mom called a friend for so many years. Why did I believe her when Frank never gave me a reason to believe he was capable of being unfaithful? “I can’t believe I spent all this time taking Ann’s word for it.”

  “I can’t believe you told my sister. Jesus, how long has she been walking around thinking our father was a cheater?”

  Shame heats the back of my neck. “Since the night of his funeral.”

  He releases a colorful string of curses then drains his glass. “Well, you’re gonna have to fix that shit. Dad loved Mom. Beginning to end. Even if that story had been true, using him as an excuse to stay in a bad marriage was bullshit.”

  I lift my beer with a shaking hand and take a sip. Then another. “I’ve always been afraid I’d turn out like my father. All I knew to do to prevent it was follow Frank’s lead.”

  “But you weren’t following his lead. Your lives were nothing alike. You were just doing what you thought was right, and anyone who sees you with Abi knows you’re nothing like your dad. You did the best you could for her, and she’s turned out great.” He pauses a beat. “But this isn’t about Abi. This is about Shay. Be honest, do you only want her to stay because you think she’d be better off close to family, or do you want her to stay close to you?”

  “It’s complicated.” I shake my head. “I love her, I want her, but I can’t pretend this pregnancy doesn’t change anything. I don’t know if I can raise another man’s kid.”

  “Seems like you’re doing a pretty good job of it with Abi.”

  “It would be different this time. Knowing out the gate . . . Would I treat the child differently? Would I always favor Abi and scar the other kid for life?”

  “Is that really what you’re worried about?”

  “I don’t know. I’m fucked up about this right now, and that’s the most honest answer I can give you. I know I’m the worst kind of hypocrite. I hate the idea of her having his baby, but I have no idea how to let her go.”

  Carter gives me a sad smile. “But you’re a fucking adult, so you either have to learn to be okay with the first or figure out the second.”

  “She’s not going to give me a chance to be okay with anything. I found out by accident, and I’d barely processed it before she walked away.”

  “Maybe after the last two times, she’s having trouble believing that this time you would choose her.” He pushes an envelope across the table. “She asked Teagan to give this to you. I offered to deliver it.”

  Carter leaves, and I don’t even say goodbye. I stare at the envelope, at my name written in Shayleigh’s loopy script on the front. I don’t know how long I sit there like a coward before I find the courage to open it.

  Shay’s a writer, a fucking genius with words, so I expected a long letter. Instead, I get two sentences.

  I never blamed you for choosing Abi. Even when it hurt, I always loved that about you.

  Shay

  Molly and Brayden’s wedding isn’t a big or formal enough affair to warrant a rehearsal, but the couple decided they still wanted to do the traditional “rehearsal dinner”—just to spread out the festivities a little.

  We hired Nic’s sister to watch all the kids and met up at Jackson Brews for dinner, and I found myself the only Jackson sibling without a date. Everyone is settling down and settling in. Hell, none of my brothers have ever been as happy as they all are right now. And me? My life is a deck of cards and I’ve just stepped into an endless game of fifty-two pickup, but knowing my brothers are so happy makes me feel a little steadier, though my own future is foggy at the moment.

  Despite the meal being over, no one seems in a rush to go. I totally understand why my family is lingering, but I just got off a plane an hour before the meal, so between jet lag and first-trimester exhaustion, my bed is calling my name.

  I tap Mom’s arm. “I’m going to head out.”

  She squeezes my hand. “We didn’t get a chance to talk about your interview. Do you like the school?”

  I’m flooded with adoration for this woman. She didn’t just birth me. She raised me and loved me and showed me what it means to be a mom. Because of her, I know I’m going to do all right by this baby. “The campus was beautiful, and I think the interview went well. They’re going to make a decision by the end of the month.”

  “I don’t want you to go, Shay, but I’ll be fine if this job is what you want. We’ll all miss you, but we’re your family no matter where you live.” Her gaze flicks to my untouched wine—Brayden poured—and back to me before curling her lips into a knowing smile. “You have news you’ve been keeping from me, and I can’t figure out why.”

  My laughter takes even me by surprise and comes out as a bit of a giggle-snort. “Of course you know. You probably knew before me.”

  “I knew the day Easton came back to town and you didn’t drink your champagne. You’re a fan of liquid courage, and something had to be off for you to push it aside that day.”

  She knew before I did. Of course. “I found out Monday,” I whisper. “And I’m scared and surprised, but I’m not sad—not about the baby part, at least.”

  “The man from school is the father?” she asks.

  I nod.

  “Will he be involved?”

  I shake my head.

  “Maybe that’s for the best, huh?”

  “How would you even know that?”

  She wipes my cheek, like she’s washing away a messy child’s dinner. “He didn’t make you happy. I could see that.”

  “After we broke up, I found out . . .” I squeeze her hand tightly. “He’s married, Mama. I didn’t know, and now his wife has asked him to move out and a little girl might grow up without her dad.” I drop my gaze to our hands. “And I think it would be easier to move away than to see you every day knowing I’ve disappointed you. I’m so ashamed.”

  “Why is that your shame to carry if you didn’t know?” She leans forward in her seat and pulls me into her arms, rocking me back and forth gently. “I could never be disappointed in you. You make me proud every day.”

  I give myself three deep breaths before I say, “I didn’t want to be like Ann. Tearing apart families.”

  “Ann Friedman?” Mom releases me and gives me her patented I thought I told you to say no to drugs look. “What about this situation makes you like her?”

  “Easton said Dad was in love with her.”

  Mom snorts. “In her dreams. Don’t you remember Ann?”

  “A little.”

  “Do you remember the time she told everyone—including the police—that she was held up by Santa Claus at the bank? And then security footage showed her giving the money to that homeless guy right outside?”

  I nod. “I’d forgotten that.”

  “Or the time she told you that you wouldn’t get your period if you never wore red?”

  Oh, wow. I’d forgotten that too. “She was a little nuts, wasn’t she?”

&nb
sp; “She just marched to her own drummer. She had a thing for your dad and”—She points to her head—”trust me, the comments she made that implied her feelings were reciprocated were the reason for all this gray hair. But she never threatened our family, because your father wasn’t interested.”

  “What’s happening over there?” Levi asks from across the table. “Are you two okay?”

  “We’re fine,” I say quickly. I’m so glad I didn’t share that story with anyone else in the last seven years, but I wish I’d asked Mom.

  Mom lifts a brow then nods meaningfully toward my brothers. I nod too, giving her the permission I know she’s looking for. “Shay’s expecting a baby. We’re just happy about a new blessing for this family.”

  “You’re pregnant?” Levi says, and Brayden says, “What the fuck? I didn’t even know you were seeing anyone.” And at right about the same time, Jake says, “Is it Easton’s?”

  “I’m not the baby’s father.” The soft, achingly familiar voice has me tearing my gaze off my brothers and whipping around to look at Easton. I don’t know when he walked into the bar, but he looks about as tired as I feel. He’s wearing a loose white button-up with sleeves rolled up to his elbows and khaki slacks. “But I’ll be the dad if Shayleigh will let me.”

  I didn’t think it was possible, but those words seem to stun my entire family to silence. Especially me. Even Mom’s quiet, though she is smirking beside me.

  “What did you just say?” I ask softly.

  Easton smiles. “I said it’ll depend on you, but I’ve made my choice.” His intense gaze slides from my eyes down to my shoes, and something inside me shimmies in response. His nearness sends an electric current of energy through me every time. “You look . . .” He swallows hard and attempts a smile. “Just beautiful.”

  I glance down at the simple blue dress I borrowed from Teagan. It’s fitted through the body and stops at the knees. I won’t be able to wear dresses like this much longer . . . at least not if I don’t want to advertise my pregnancy. “Thank you.”

  “Can we talk?” he asks. He casts a glance over his shoulder and toward the exit. “I have some things I’d like to say. In private, if that’s okay.”