Annie faced the woods, but she could hear Oksana approach. Her steps crunched over the dirt and dried twigs that surrounded the rest area. Years of foot traffic and low rainfall had obliterated the grass in that part of the park even though the trees overhead had thick, full leaves. This was the perfect place to talk.
Oksana came around the picnic table cautiously. Annie realized then that Oksana looked just as good in her street clothes as she did in workout apparel. She gave herself a few seconds to admire Oksana in her black, calf-length spandex and fitted Dodgers T-shirt. Lines around her eyes made Annie realize she wasn’t the only one who’d had a sleepless night.
“Hey,” Oksana said. “Are you okay?”
Annie sat up and slipped her phone into the pocket of her thin running jacket.
“I have to say this.”
“Okay…”
“I want to tell you everything. And I know how it’s going to sound, but please just hear me out and then, I don’t know. You get the floor to rebut.”
“Okay.” Oksana’s scowl didn’t help with Annie’s confidence issue, but they’d crossed the bridge of too late days ago. She had to say this.
“I’m not sure if I’m going to marry Jeff.”
“Why?” Oksana asked hesitantly.
“Because…I think I have feelings for you.”
Oksana’s reaction was immediate.
“Oh! Come on, Annie!” she yelled, throwing her hands in the air. “Don’t do this!”
“Oksana, I have to. Can we please just talk about it?”
“Why? Because we had sex?” Oksana groaned. “I don’t want you to do this. I should have—this was a bad idea. We shouldn’t have slept together. You had your plan or whatever, but it’s clear it didn’t work out, Annie.”
“Yeah, because of you.”
“What do you mean ‘because of me’? You told me it was no strings. You told me it was your freebie, your pre-wedding, my fiancé doesn’t care fling.”
“It was and then things changed. You seemed fine with it when I kept texting you, and you seemed more than fine with it when my fingers were in your pussy. You didn’t stop me from kissing you, and you weren’t complaining in my bed yesterday morning either.” The truth wasn’t pretty, but Annie couldn’t let her twist certain truths between them.
Oksana took a stunned step back and gritted her teeth, her cheeks flushing with a small hint of pink. Seeing how pissed she already was, Annie dug the hole a little deeper.
“I’m not saying this is about you. It is and isn’t. I knew Thursday wasn’t ladies’ night. I looked it up before I went out, but I went anyway.”
“Why?” Oksana asked, seeming genuinely confused.
“Because I had to get out of my house. Because I wanted to be with you!”
Oksana’s face fell. Annie couldn’t understand why this was making her so angry, but she let her speak.
“Great. Well, I’m glad you could use me to scratch your itch. I’m glad I slipped up and fell into your bed again, right when you wanted me to.”
Annie’s mouth gaped open. “That’s not it at all. I’ve always liked you.”
“Bullshit.”
“It’s true. I’m just not a big fan of pushing myself on someone who isn’t interested at all. If you were straight, I figured you’d be lacking that certain interest in me, but then you offered. You agreed to be a part of this. With me.”
“So why did you lie about ladies’ night?”
“Because that was my initial intention. I wanted to see if it was you or women in general, but I knew it was you I wanted to be with. The thought of being with someone else just…I don’t know. I went out and tried to drown my sorrows in mint and liquor and then I…”
“What?” Oksana said.
“I shouldn’t have thrown myself on you like that.” Annie heard herself getting louder and louder, but she didn’t reel in the momentum. “I know. I’m sorry. I couldn’t help myself. I was already horny just thinking about you before you got to the bar, and then I was so relieved when I saw you. I mean how often are you just praying to see someone and they come walking up to you? And you looked so hot. I wasn’t thinking.”
“Okay. So you had your time to think and now you’re questioning your relationship with Jeff because we fucked twice. You wanted your one night of freedom and you got two. Why the change in plans?”
“I’m questioning things with Jeff because right now I care more about how you feel than how Jeff feels. It’s messed up, Oksana. I know. I have been thinking about you non-stop since the first time we slept together. I can’t be sure about marrying someone else when they aren’t the most important person on my mind.”
Oksana spun around and Annie watched her back as she wrapped her arms around her ribs. This was not going well. She knew Oksana wouldn’t be excited to hear that she’d had a part in ending her engagement to Jeff, but she had to come clean. She never considered she’d be hurting Oksana in the process.
Annie wanted to cross the short distance between them and hold Oksana until she somehow magically understood what Annie was feeling, but she’d made that mistake once, letting what she wanted rule the moment. She couldn’t push right now.
A deep breath trembled over Oksana’s shoulders and then she turned back.
“I don’t want this,” she said quietly.
“I…understand.” She did, but it didn’t stop her stomach from dropping to the dirt below the picnic table.
“No, you don’t.” Oksana was suddenly furious. Annie stared at her, afraid to make any sudden movements. “You really thought you were just going to tell me that you’re confused about Jeff and I was going to jump for joy and run away with you? I had a good time with you. I won’t deny it. You’re great in bed, okay? But I’m not a fucking home wrecker. You told me it was no big deal and now it is, and I don’t want to be the person who gets blamed for your wedding ultimately going to shit.”
“Who’s going to blame you? Jeff won’t—”
“Right. He sounds great, but what about your friends and your parents, people who’ve already shelled out money for dresses and hotels and plane tickets. I’ve been in a wedding before, Annie. That shit ain’t cheap. So when all those people get your, ‘Oops, sorry. I’m a lesbian now,’ phone call or text message or however you plan to break it to them, guess who they are going to blame? Your new fag girlfriend who corrupted you away from Jeff.”
Oksana’s words had set off an emotional bomb right there in the park. Annie couldn’t hear the birds or the traffic from the street. Just her own strangled breathing and stuttered heartbeat.
Annie closed her eyes, swallowing the pain in her throat.
“I don’t think I can marry him,” she replied before she looked back at Oksana’s exasperated expression. “I’ve thought about everything you just said. My mother is going to kill me if I do this. I know it, and I know some of my friends will probably never speak to me again, but again, that’s just whatever. It’s—I know how I feel about you, but this part of it, with me and him, that’s not about you, Oksana. Even before we had sex, I was excited for him to leave because I knew I was getting a chance to be with someone else.”
She shocked herself with those words, but they were true. From the moment Oksana had agreed to sleep with her, she’d been counting down the days until Jeff left town.
“I don’t think about him beyond what I’m going to say when he comes back. I don’t miss him. Who doesn’t miss their fiancé? I know he’s sleeping with other women while he’s away and I don’t care. I should be furious or jealous or something, but I’m not.
“I wasn’t moping about when he was coming back or wondering why he wasn’t writing me more. These past few days all I could think about was making things right with you. If I could, I would undo the way we got here, but I wouldn’t change the way I feel. I really like you, Oksana. I just wanted to tell you. I should thank you. You’ve given me even more to think about.”
“Do I get the floor no
w?”
“Do you want it?” Annie said, defeated. Oksana rolled her eyes at Annie’s dramatics.
“The way I feel about you doesn’t matter because we can’t undo anything. You are my client. I should have never slept with you. Period. And I should have never slept with someone who was in a relationship because that is wrong. It doesn’t matter how you slice it.”
“Oh, fuck you,” Annie nearly shouted. “I get you’re upset with me, but stop painting me like the evil bitch here and tell me why you did it if it was so wrong. You let me fuck you and then stayed. You didn’t drop me off and leave. You didn’t cut and run for the door after I kissed you. You let me take your clothes off and you spent the night. When does your guilt come into play?”
And then they were just arguing.
“I fucked you because I’ve wanted to since the day I met you.”
“So you’re attracted to me. Do you have feelings for me?”
“Of course I do. If I didn’t I wouldn’t have gone to you at the club.”
“So besides not wanting to feel like a home wrecker, what’s the problem? If you like me and I like you…” Annie brought her hands together in front of her chest in that meshing motion.
“Annie, you don’t even know me,” Oksana said.
“And you don’t really know me either. What’s your point?”
“That is my point.” Oksana didn’t skip a beat before she confessed, “I’ve been down this road before.” That stopped Annie’s sarcasm in her tracks. Her mouth flapped open. She didn’t want to believe that Oksana had broken up a couple before, but Oksana went on before her mind could ask the question. “Not this exact situation, but I was with someone a little like you. She was perfect and I loved her so much, but it turned out she wasn’t so sure either.”
Annie reached out her hand, but Oksana stayed put. Annie pulled her hand back and shook her head. “You cannot put that on me. I’m not your ex.”
“I know, but you’re just as dangerous. I have rules for myself. This…” Oksana pulled up the left side of her shirt and revealed the large Cyrillic letters that ran the height of her ribs. Annie had no clue what it said, but she was transfixed as Oksana pointed right to the K. “I got this to cover up her name. I branded myself with her name because I thought we would be together forever and she did everything in her power to make me believe that. I thought she loved me, I thought she loved my family, but she didn’t. Me, we were something she was unsure about.
“After that I promised myself I wouldn’t ignore warning signs anymore. Not with friends, not with my career, and I’ve stuck to that. I fucked up by sleeping with you, but you’re not at risk of a DUI now and I’m thinking more clearly. I can’t willingly walk into a relationship that starts like this, Annie. I don’t want you to marry someone you’re unsure about either. But I can’t take a chance on someone who is showing me every sign that they aren’t thinking clearly. You really think you’re just going to call the wedding off and everyone’s going to be all ‘Oh, okay. Whatever’?”
Annie snickered and shook her head at the face Oksana made, but she had a point.
“No. I don’t.”
“I want something better for myself. I need someone I know I can trust. I need someone who is one hundred percent sure about me. That’s not asking too much, is it?”
“No,” Annie huffed indignantly.
“And can’t you see how this sounds to me? You’re still engaged and telling me you have feelings for me. How do I know you’re not going to turn around in two months or a year and tell me you’re actually straight or that you’d rather be with someone who can father your children, because that I can’t do.”
“That’s not fair,” Annie grumbled.
“Why isn’t it fair? It is and you’re just mad because it’s not what you want to hear.”
“So what if we gave this a try and you decided you didn’t want me? Then what?”
“I don’t know. I have to think about my grandma and I have to think about Kat.”
“I want you to. I want to fit into your life. I’m not asking you to change just see if you can work me in.”
“And what about your friends? You think they’ll warm up to me when they find out the truth?”
“My best friend wants to meet you, actually.”
“You told her?”
“Yes. I needed to talk to someone. My other friends…”
“Your other friends and your family will hate me.”
“At first they might, but I don’t care about what they think.”
“Yeah, you say that now.”
“Well, what do we do?” Because I’m falling for you even harder, Annie wanted to say. Plus, I kinda want to know if you’re wearing any underwear under those spandex.
“I don’t know.”
Annie’s ragged breath propelled her off the picnic table. She felt Oksana’s eyes on her as she paced in the dirt.
“Jeff comes back in three weeks and then I think I’m ending it.”
“And you hoped we’d hang out in the meantime.”
Annie turned on her with a glare. Oksana glared back until Annie relented.
“What should we do about this whole workout thing?” Annie asked with a sigh.
“I need to blow off some steam so I’m going to run up to the top. You’re welcome to join me. When you break things to your mother, we’ll refund her for the rest of this month.”
“No. I’ll pay for it. Just let me know how much.” Her mom really was going to kill her. “In three weeks—Jesus. In three weeks, can I call you?”
“No.” Oksana straightened her shoulders and focused those beautiful dark green eyes right on Annie. “When it all blows over, when you know, not when you think, not when you’re a little confused. When you know, then you call me.”
“Fine.”
For some reason, at that moment Oksana’s ex popped into her mind. Annie said, “I don’t know who she is, of course, but I’m sorry about what she—”
Oksana held up a hand, knowing exactly what Annie was about to say. She’d probably heard it so many times before. “Don’t. It was a long time ago and it’s over. And whatever she did is definitely not your fault. I just have to watch my own ass.”
Annie just nodded slightly, not knowing what else to say.
Oksana jerked her head to the mouth of the trail. “Let’s go.”
They walked the first few inclines slowly, silently. Annie had more to think about than she realized. Soon their walk turned into a brisk jog and then a full-on run after they passed the observatory and a full out race to the next peak. Annie knew her feelings weren’t going to change.
She’d never felt this way for Jeff. They loved each other and she cared about him deeply, but she never ached to touch him, never dreaded the idea of them spending time apart. Never once did she wish that he would call. He traveled all the time for his photography, and Annie never minded watching him go. But as they came back down the mountain, she hated the idea of Oksana walking away. It could take a fucking year for all of this wedding shit to go away, even longer to be forgiven by all the disappointed relatives and put out friends. Annie couldn’t wait that long.
She looked at Oksana, dripping with sweat from the crown of her head, her own look of concentration on her face as they neared the rest area at the bottom. Annie fought the urge to wipe Oksana’s brow. That touch would lead to more, and Oksana had made it clear that now was the time for less. Distracting herself with her partial clean up, she watched Oksana use the short sleeve of her shirt to do the job instead. She took a bottle of water Oksana had stashed in the trunk of her SUV. They chugged in silence and Annie smiled to herself when she realized Oksana’s Tahoe was the same metallic gray as her gunmetal nipple rings.
The nipple rings you’ll never see again, she reminded herself.
There was an awkward good-bye, no promise of a phone call, and Annie lumbered on weak legs over to her car. She waited and she knew there were still things unsaid or
things undone that would make this time apart even more miserable.
After a moment she realized she hadn’t heard a car pull away. There were pebbles all over the road leading in and out of the park. Even her Prius bumped and rattled when she’d pulled in. She turned around and saw Oksana’s Tahoe still parked twenty or so yards away.
Selfishly, as was the way with Annie Collins, she walked toward the SUV. Oksana was around the other side, leaning her forehead against the driver’s side window, her keys hanging limply in her hand.
“Sana…” She hadn’t meant for her voice to sound so breathy and desperate. Dropping the “Ok” just came naturally.
Oksana turned in her direction, and the look on her face told Annie everything she’d been wanting to hear. The hesitation and the fear were there, but the yearning was too. She may have brought up some pretty valid arguments as to why they shouldn’t be together, but with just that look Annie knew Oksana didn’t want her to go either.
Annie stepped closer with sudden determination, their height difference exaggerated as she looked up into her sad, searching eyes. They swallowed at the same time, nervously. Annie didn’t want to pressure her. She wanted Oksana to come to her at will, but there was just something about Oksana and her light cocoa skin that blushed pink, the same shade of her warm lips. Annie had to kiss her one last time before she could really say good-bye.
She watched as Oksana’s tongue quickly wet her bottom lip, and she was done in. Annie’s arms went around Oksana’s waist, pressing the damp T-shirt into the small of her back.
“I’m all gross,” Oksana breathed.
“So am I.” Annie wasn’t going to let a little sweat get in the way. She could feel the tight tips of Oksana’s nipples and the balls of their tiny barbells through the fabric of her jacket. She needed more. Taking a slight dip of Oksana’s head as her sudden consent, Annie leaned up and took those full lips with her own. Oksana didn’t resist or argue.
“Annie,” Oksana said one last time. “We can’t.” But her arms draped over Annie’s shoulders and she pulled her closer.
The Fling Page 9