For Life

by L. E. Chamberlin

  “The best,” she sniffles. “She’s carrying the weight of four grandparents, really.”

  “Doing a hell of a job of it, too.”

  “Yeah. She really is.” Cass shifts against me, and I know she’s letting her head go places it shouldn’t go.

  “Baby?” she asks finally.

  “Yeah?”

  “Do you think he’ll ever… I mean, do you think there’s a chance…”

  I know what she’s asking, and it breaks my heart. All these years, and she still holds out hope that he’ll get his shit together. But I don’t believe addicts can change, not really, and Cassie’s dad is in his fifties.

  “Probably not, Cass.”

  “See, I know that…” she says in a calm voice, but her pain is there, just under the surface. “But then sometimes I think there’s a chance. I still keep thinking I’ll get my father back.”

  “I don’t think so, sweetheart.”

  “Her either, huh?” she asks, referring to her crazy mother.

  “Doubt it, babe.”

  Scalding tears trickle down my shoulder and soak my skin. “Fucking unfair.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Promise me, Grady, that we’ll be the best parents we can be to our kids. Not like mine. The best.”

  “I promise.”

  “And they’ll always be number one.”

  “Always, I swear.” I think of Chloe in her crib, so beautiful and innocent and perfect, and it’s the easiest promise in the world to make.

  Cassie

  I go to the place I do some of my best thinking - my car - and just sit in the parking lot, trying to empty my head. I haven’t spoken to Grady in two days, although we’ve texted like crazy. After my conversation with Sandra this afternoon I’m desperate to see him again but even more terrified that we’re making a huge mistake.

  Part of me wants space to work this out, but I need to see him. I’m so sure that if I just look in his eyes, I’ll be certain. Either she’s wrong, or I am. Something beyond his words will inform me in some way, I’m positive of this. It makes no sense, and my rational brain can’t absorb it, but I believe it with all my heart.

  Grady was at happy hour with Craig earlier, when I was with Sandra, so I didn’t call. I suppose I could’ve - he probably would have left and come straight to me if I’d asked, but although I thought about texting him, I didn’t do that, either.

  I have no idea how to proceed from here.

  I send a frantic e-mail to Dr. Gaul asking if she has any early appointments next week, although she’s probably left the office for the day. Then I send a quick text to Renée, checking in. Finally, I’m about to send a text to Grady when a message chimes through.

  -Pick you guys up tomorrow?

  -Don’t you think that’s a bit weird? For the kids?

  -When was the last time you had an oil change?

  -?

  -Drop your car off at the shop. You’re due. I’ll give you guys a ride. Problem solved.

  I look up at the little sticker in the top left-hand corner of my windshield, and I realize he’s right. He must’ve noticed when he changed my windshield wiper blades. And although it’s a little thing, and a guy thing, I feel protected again. Cared for. How can that be wrong?

  But in the back of my mind, I still hear Sandra. And then another, colder voice joins hers. My mother reminds me of how stupid I was getting pregnant in my freshman year of college. She ridicules Grady’s blue collar family and chastises me about breaking up with Adam, who was exactly the kind of man she would have approved of, if I’d ever let him meet her.

  And that line of thinking leads me to my father, his once-handsome face bloated from years of drink, sitting in his chair, silent except for the occasional outburst. Grady was never like that, I remind myself. He was never going to be like that. He was in a band and he drank too much when he was out, but he didn’t need to drink all day to function like my father did. And I didn’t need to make excuses for him the way my mother did. Not once, not even that last night, when he missed Chloe’s very first piano recital after promising he would be there, did I make excuses for him.

  -You there?

  I told Grady I forgive him, and I do. I’ve left my anger in the past. But how do I rid myself of this terrible fear?

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  Cassie

  I get myself together and text Grady back, then call the garage and arrange to drop the car off in the morning for an oil change. Hopefully Chloe won’t ask questions or give me any attitude, because she’s usually anxious before a meet and unusually testy today (which is saying something). With a plan set in place, I head home to an empty house. My phone alerts me that I have new messages, and I see that both kids sent me texts while I was driving home.

  -Amanda’s taking me to PYOP. Back 10-ish. Chloe’s message. Their curfew when they have meets is 10 p.m., and of course she feels the need to test me, although I don’t get bent out of shape about the “-ish” like I think she wants me to. The paint-your-own-pottery place closes at 9:30 p.m., anyway.

  -BK then mall. Home 10. Caden. And a second message. Ma don’t worry wearing my retainer.

  I’ve got the house to myself. I feed Mr. Tibbles, put a load of clothes in the washer, and start digging in my fridge for something to eat when my phone chirps.

  -Kids home? It’s Grady, and I’m instantly giddy.

  -Nope. Out till curfew.

  -Eat yet?

  -Also no.

  -Sex and pizza?

  I laugh out loud. “Sex and pizza” was our old Friday night date, back when Chloe and Caden were small. We ate early with the kids, put them to bed, and then Grady and I ate pizza, tried to watch a movie, had quick sex on the couch, and collapsed for the night by about 9:30.

  I love that he just said “sex and pizza” to me. I send a quick reply. Can we have a lot of pizza?

  -I’m gonna give you SO MUCH PIZZA tonight.

  -There in 30.

  Grady

  There’s still a moment every time she comes to me that I think I’ve got to be a polite acquaintance again. My head hasn’t quite gotten used to Cassie opening my door and walking toward me with so much heat in her dark eyes. When she twines around me I thank the forces of the universe a millionth time for this gift.

  “I missed you this week,” she murmurs, her breath tickling my neck. God, she feels so good. Every cell in my body hums when she touches me.

  “I missed you, too.” I capture her lips with mine and savor her soft kisses, holding her close and wrapping my hand in her silky hair.

  “We’re not crazy, right?”

  Her plaintive whisper stops me cold, and I tip her face up to study her eyes. “Hey,” I say when she lowers her gaze. “What’s going on?”

  “I just…” She pulls away from me and wraps her arms around herself. “I’m just… confused.”

  Fuck. I try to remain calm. “What are you confused about?”

  “I’m not sure.”

  “Try, Cass.” I don’t mean to sound so stern with her, but this is shades of the old Cassie. Getting her to talk about why she was upset with me used to be like pulling teeth. Eventually it became so exhausting I just stopped asking. But we’re not playing this game now.

  “Okay, fine.” Her voice is tremulous. “I love being with you. When I’m in your arms, everything is perfect. But when I’m not with you, I have doubts. I think about old stuff—”

  “We talked about that, though,” I interrupt. “Damn it, Cass, you said you’ve forgiven me for the past.”

  “I do forgive you,” she insists. “But I still have these… feelings. I don’t know how to describe them. It’s like the whole world could drop out from underneath me at any time. When I’m by myself, taking care of myself, I don’t worry about that. But when I’m with you, I forget that it could happen. And I don’t want to forget that. Because it can happen.”

  “You’re right,” I agree. “You want a guarantee, and you can’t get one. I d
on’t just mean from me, I mean from life. I fucked up before. I won’t do the same thing to you ever again, and I’ll try to keep from hurting you, but that’s not realistic. I think we’re going to hurt each other sometimes. It’s just how it works. But we’re also going to take care of each other. There’s nothing to be confused about as long as we promise to do that.”

  “I don’t think I could lose you again.” She’s trembling a little, and I squeeze her tighter. “I don’t think I could bear it.”

  “Hey, shhh…” I scoop her up in my arms and she wraps her legs around me. I walk her back to my bedroom, kicking the door closed behind us. Her gaze locks on mine and her breath quickens.

  “Let’s do this,” I offer, my lips brushing hers. “Sex. Pizza. Talking. In that order. Okay?”

  She nods and I lay her carefully on the bed, crouching over her, unbuttoning her shirt until she’s bared to the waist except for her lace bra.

  “You need to get out of your own head, Cass. I’m right here.” I slip her arms out of the sleeves and unhook the bra, tossing both garments aside. And then I take my time worshiping her body with my mouth - her pale throat, her collarbone, the generous swells of her breasts. My lips and tongue could map her from memory, but every touch is a fresh jolt to my dick.

  When my lips brush across her belly, right at the waistband of her jeans, her fingers fly up to undo them, but I stop her.

  “Stop thinking.”

  She obeys me and relaxes her arms on the bed. I nuzzle under her arms, press my lips to her pulse, and tease her nipples with my teeth. When she’s panting and softly moaning I undo her jeans and tug them off her legs. She shivers in just her underwear and socks, and I strip down and cover her with my naked body.

  “Stay,” she pleads. “Keep me warm.”

  “You’ll be plenty warm,” I promise, sliding down her torso until I’m between her thighs, separated from her bare flesh by a pair of very sheer panties. I breathe on her and she bucks beneath me. I latch onto the delicate skin at the apex of her thigh and she cries out. And then I slide one finger past the barrier of her underwear and into her lubricious heat while I tenderly kiss the flesh on her lower belly. A network of faint, silvery marks are left as a reminder of where she once carried our children. I bury my face against the pale scars and slip another finger inside her, finding the right spot and touching it again and again until she’s rolling her hips to the rhythm I’ve set.

  And then I surprise her again by stopping and yanking the little scrap of cloth down to her ankles. I part her legs wide and turn so I can devour her while I attend to my swollen, straining cock.

  “I love to watch you stroking yourself,” she gasps, propping herself up on her elbows to gaze down at my busy hand. “Oh, Grady, that’s gonna make me—”

  I suck her clit, hard, fisting myself faster, and she collapses on the bed, grabbing my hair and grinding herself onto my face. When she starts to shake, I slip my fingers back inside her and rub her g-spot until she cries my name.

  She’s still quivering when I kneel in front of her, tilt her hips up to mine, and plunge myself into her tight, wet heat. I can feel the faint contractions of her waning orgasm on my cock and it spurs me on. Her fingers clutch at the sheets as I pound into her, and it only takes a moment before I feel that telltale tightening in my balls, the pleasurable flutter in my groin.

  “Oh!” Cassie cries out. “Oh, Grady, I’m coming again… I’m—”

  I fuck her harder, until she seizes around me. Her breathless voice choking out my name and the delicious contractions of her cunt finally undo me. I thrust myself as deep as I can get and let go.

  * * * *

  I call in the pizza order with Cassie snug in the crook of my arm. She pulls the covers up over us and nuzzles against my chest with a contented sigh, which makes my cock twitch.

  “We still do it, you know,” she murmurs.

  “Mmm?” I have no idea what she’s talking about. I’m still floating. The air is heavy with the combined musk of our lovemaking and it’s the greatest thing in the world to just bask in it.

  “That thing we used to do. Where we just have sex instead of talking about stuff.”

  “Hey.” I tilt her face up to mine. “We’re waiting for the pizza. We’re not twenty years old anymore. I have plenty of things to say, and I’m not using sex to distract you.”

  “Okay,” she says, but she doesn’t sound convinced.

  “Not that I’m above it,” I tease, and she smacks my shoulder.

  “Be serious,” she insists.

  “I’ve never been so serious in my life,” I promise her. “What are you most worried about? Come on, we can fit one or two concerns in before our food gets here.”

  She’s taken aback by my question. I think she really didn’t think I was going to talk, and that annoys me a bit, but I let it go. After all, the last time she and I were together like this I had my head up my ass. Fair dues.

  “Um… I guess I’m really worried about the kids.”

  “What about them?”

  “Well, I’m worried about what they’ll think. How they’ll be. Chloe and I… Well, you know what she’s like. She turned twelve and it was like she flipped a switch with me, and I can’t get her back. I don’t know how she’ll take this. You know how she hates change.”

  “Don’t you think we can help her through that? Don’t you think she knows us both well enough to know we’ll take care of her?”

  “With you in the house she’ll have every reason to just ignore me.” Her voice is tinged with bitterness. “You’re her favorite parent. I just worry that once she’s got you around she won’t listen to me at all. She barely respects my authority as it is.”

  “Give me a little credit, Cass. I’m not going to let her do that. And neither are you.”

  “It’s just that Caden’s so easy,” she sighs. “Chloe fights me about everything. The only thing I have to get on Caden about is that retainer.”

  I groan. “That kid and his fucking retainer.”

  “He’s still going to be wearing that thing to his own wedding.”

  “We’ll keep on him.”

  She’s silent again for a minute, and then she says, “I’m worried about living together again. I haven’t lived with anyone since you.”

  “That should be easy, then,” I tease. “No bad habits I need to break you of.”

  “I’m…” She’s reluctant to say the words, but when they spill out of her I’m shocked at how she sees herself. “I’m difficult, Grady. I’m uptight, I’m easily annoyed, I’m bitchy when I’m tired or hungry, I…”

  I shut her up with a kiss. “Now I am going to do that sex thing. I need to distract you, because you’re talking bullshit.”

  “I’m not,” she murmurs against my lips. “I’m a mess.”

  “You’re forgetting we lived together for many years. I know these things. I know we’ve both changed, but some things are forever. Like your bitchiness when you’re hungry.” I poke her and she yelps.

  “What if…” She starts her thought but doesn’t finish it, her hand halting its movements in my chest hair.

  “What if…?”

  And then she says the most honest thing I’ve ever heard her say. “What if our physical connection is all this is? What if we’re not really meant to be together?”

  I take a deep breath and tamp down my impatience, because she’s being real with me, and she deserves a real answer. “I’ve never hungered for any woman the way I have for you. And I know that’s not just physical. As for if we’re meant to be - I say yes. I’ll always believe that. But okay, so what if there’s no such thing as soulmates? Then we’re two people who want to be together and work hard at it. And that’s fine, too.”

  She nods. “Okay.”

  “No guarantees, remember?”

  “No guarantees.”

  “I’ve loved you for twenty-one years, Cass. I’m not going anywhere. Even when we split up, I was still yours.”


  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  Cassie

  Sunday dinner goes off without a hitch. The kids are happy to have Grady there, and after the kids go to bed he and I spend a very pleasurable (albeit frustrating) couple of hours making out in the family room. I tease him that we’ve come full circle, furtively groping each other in front of the television as if our parents are going to come around the corner any minute and bust us.

  Cuddled into his chest, I feel as safe as I’ve ever felt. He holds my hand and I wonder how anything ever went wrong between us. When he looks in my eyes and tells me he loves me, I know he’s telling the truth.

  But when I’m alone in my bed again later, I worry. They’re irrational fears, I know, but that doesn’t make them easier to deal with. Lying in the dark, I start cataloging the “what ifs.”

  What if what we’re feeling is just nostalgia and it wears off?

  What if we decide a few years down the road this isn’t what we really want and we’ve put our kids through a divorce not once but twice?

  And the big one. What if I can’t ever forgive him for those last couple of years?

  Chloe’s drawn little face that last night, her eyes welling with tears, flashes in front of my eyes as it’s done a thousand times over the years. I know Grady would never hurt us now like he hurt us then. But there’s scar tissue inside me, especially where the kids are concerned, and I don’t know if it will ever go away. And where will that leave us if it doesn’t?

  * * * *

  On Friday my day begins with a 9 a.m. session with Grady and Dr. Gaul, followed by a meeting with my board VP. that drags on for nearly two hours. The Dragon Lady is putting a serious damper on my work life. Aside from the fact that I’m being micromanaged, she’s all but told me she doesn’t want me for the director’s position. Karen finally tended her resignation, and the Dragon Lady finally meets with me after weeks of putting me off and tells me coolly that I am “welcome to apply” but the board will still conduct a search as soon as they revise the job description. I bite my tongue to keep from telling her maybe I should be in on the revision process, since I’m actually doing the position, and that she’s certainly generous to offer me a shot at a job I’m already doing, but I talk myself out of it and try to shake it off in the safety of my office when she leaves.