by Shelly Davis
“What about …” she began but her voice drifted off, as if she didn’t want to say whatever it was on her mind. The more I stood there, the worse I felt for listening, but I couldn’t help it. I had to know what relationship she had with Cade. I had to know what I was dealing with. I just didn’t quite understand why I cared so much.
She was obviously comfortable and familiar with where she was. This was different from a casual conversation, it was apparent she knew these guys on a personal level being in their private space as she was. Was she here often and how could someone so perfect have been this close for so long and I never knew it? I just hoped the endearments I heard had nothing to do with a relationship with Cade and more to do with friendship. But then I wondered why I cared if she was in a relationship. She was just my mechanic, relationship or not, it shouldn’t matter what she does with her private life. But it did, it mattered to me for reasons I didn’t want to think about. Then Cade’s next words almost echoed through me.
“Look Toni, I know you’ve had some kind of crush on this guy for years, but it wasn’t real. He wasn’t real, but now he is and you have to learn how to live and work around him. And you have to realize what you see on television isn’t real.”
“I know, Cade. But what if I can’t? What if I can’t relax around him?”
“I don’t know, sweetheart. I just don’t know.”
I backed away from the door; I didn’t want to hear any more. She was talking about me. She said she was attracted to me. I was thrilled by the prospect, but I couldn’t just sleep with her, it would complicate things on the team. What could I do other than ignore the attraction? Ky was counting on Toni helping the team. But my instant attraction to her and the things she said to Cade made me wonder if we could work together. I could just stay away, stay out of the garages when she’s there, but I’ve always been a hands-on driver. I like to be involved in every aspect of building and set-up of my cars. Besides, Ky intended on having her traveling with us. He was also intent on her being part of the team, being with us for the long haul. There would be no avoiding this chick, no matter what.
I needed just to focus on my workout. I couldn’t think about her anymore. I came here for a reason. I came here to focus, to push myself. I moved from machine to machine over the course of the next hour. From time to time, I heard talking and laughing from the office. I tried desperately to block out the sounds. The more I pushed myself on the weights, the more I thought about Toni’s words in the garage and to Cade. I hoped the weights or the workout would drown out my thoughts, but it wasn’t working. Cade’s words echoed in my head,‘I know you’ve had a crush on this guy for years.’ So I was right about her reaction to me at the garage. I didn’t know what the relationship between Cade and Toni was, but one thing I was sure of was she’s a fan and working on my team terrified her. Instead of wanting to call Kyle and demand her release, I wanted to see this through. But this explained why she stood and stared at me, unable to speak when I approached her this evening. She was star struck for a moment. I did manage to knock her out of her star struck stupor and she was all fire underneath. That was the girl I wanted to know, the vivacious woman who wasn’t afraid of me, the one willing to give as good as she got.
After my workout, I was finally relaxed. My hope was I would be able to go home and just sleep. Sleep never came easily for me. Most nights were plagued with nightmares of the past so sleep didn’t find me until exhaustion settled. I was constantly on edge; feeling like the slightest disruption would push me over into oblivion. I feared I would never find peace with my past and I worried my future would be clouded by my shortcomings. Most look at me as Toni did today, as if I was something special, but they’ll never know. Anna’s death and the loss of a child haunted me, and drove me to push myself to perfection.
I walked into the dark, toward my Rover parked in the shadows at the back of the parking lot. The only cars in this part of the lot were Jake’s, Cade’s, Toni’s, and mine, all sitting nearest the back entrance of the building. Just as I closed the tailgate and began to round the front of the SUV so I could finally head home, the door to the building opened to two people having a conversation. Immediately I knew Toni’s voice as she spoke to her companion. I kept to the shadows, not wanting either of them to be aware of my presence. I didn’t have it in me to have a conversation with anyone, especially her.
I glanced their way, noticing as Cade kissed her forehead. Not a gesture a lover would use—more like an older brother. His words to her were encouraging and reassuring, his tone consoling. “Don’t worry, sweetheart. Everything will work out exactly how it’s supposed to.”
“Ever the optimist, aren’t cha?” she replied, her smile sending a jolt through my body. I would do bad things to have that smile meant for me.
“Always,” his laughing voice boomed through the empty parking lot. “Someone has to be, hangin’ around with you and Jake all the damn time.”
Smacking him on the chest, she laughed out, “Shut-up, ass.”
“I have a sexy ass, and you know it,” Cade replied.
I didn’t realize I was biting the inside of my cheek until I tasted the metallic tang of blood across my tongue. Those words left me with a bitter feeling my stomach. If I didn’t know better, I would have thought it was jealousy but it couldn’t be. I don’t even know her.
“You’re a sexy beast, Cade,” Toni laughed, sarcasm laced in her voice.
“Well, this sexy beast has shit to do. You gonna be okay goin’ home?”
“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Mia’s home already, she texted me earlier to see where I was. You wanna have dinner tomorrow night before I leave for Florida?”
“Call when you leave the shop tomorrow. I’ll let Jake know we’re goin’ to dinner.” Cade kissed her forehead before Toni climbed into her truck. “See ya tomorrow, sweetheart.”
Toni pulled out of the parking lot and Cade watched until she was out of sight. “You can come out now, Fuller,” Cade announced, not turning toward me.
“Hey, Cade. What’s up?”
“Nothin’, buddy. Just wonderin’ why you’re standin’ here in the dark.”
“I didn’t want to interrupt you and your girlfriend.” I thought maybe I could play it off and pretend that I didn’t know it was Toni.
“Really?” he asked, seeming skeptical. He looked at me, trying to gauge my demeanor. I steeled myself, not giving him any reaction. Cade was a daunting man, as tall as me but brawny and more muscular. He had a take no shit attitude that intimidated most. I wasn’t afraid of anyone, but I wasn’t going to cross either brother if I could avoid it. “You didn’t know that was Toni, your new mechanic?”
“I wasn’t sure,” I said, deciding at least to admit she looked familiar. “I wasn’t gonna interrupt y’all’s goodnight.”
Cade stared at me with his brow furrowed and a scowl on his face. “Yeah,” he paused a moment, still staring. “Well, g’night Julius.”
“Yeah, night, Cade.”
Chapter Five
Toni
“How long are you gonna be in Florida?” Mia asked as we drove to the airport Thursday morning. The truck should be arriving in Daytona later today and time trials were scheduled for Friday morning.
“Just ‘til Saturday,” I told her. My voice was shaking a little from my nervousness. I needed to focus on the schedule, and what we had to get done. “Then we’ll go back down around February eleventh for the all-star race on the fifteenth. I’ll be there for about two weeks then ‘cause we have to be there for the all-star race, the Duel races on Thursday, and then the five hundred on Sunday.”
“And how do you feel about being there with all those guys for two weeks?” she asked. She knew I was still skittish around people, especially men I didn’t know well. But I’d been fine with these guys so far. For some reason, I felt comfortable with them. They didn’t intimidate me or make me feel uncomfortable in any way. Maybe it was because most of them were much older than me or many of th
em reminded me of my dad and the guys in his shop.
“I’ll be fine, so long as I don’t have to encounter Fuller again,” I mumbled. I’d barely slept Tuesday night after meeting the notorious driver. He evoked such a reaction from me I didn’t know what to make of it. I was seriously attracted to the arrogant, pigheaded man, but I knew nothing was ever going to happen. He’s notoriously a player and I had no interest in making myself vulnerable again. Maybe I should just go buy a bunch of cats and get my life as a crazy cat lady under way. The thought of being alone forever made me sad, but I didn’t know how to let my guard down enough to let anyone have any kind of power over me. Even if it was just power over my heart. The problem was what I knew about Fuller, beyond his notorious dating life, made him a damn good man, the kind of man I wanted in my life. He was kind and generous with his time and money. He seemed to be a truly good soul. I shook my head slightly; I had to stop thinking about him. Yeah, I was attracted to him, but I just had to forget it.
“What? You finally met him and didn’t tell me?” Mia asked. “Is he as hot in person as he is on TV?”
“Hotter actually,” I sighed. It had been a long time since Mia and I had any girl-talk. “Mia, he seemed pissed there was a woman workin’ on his car. He was such a prick, questioning my ability and basically makin’ me feel like shit under his shoe. But god, when I saw him I couldn’t even talk I was so tongue tied.”
She glanced from the road and looked at me briefly. “Well it’s about fuckin’ time, girl.”
Confused I looked over at her in the driver’s seat. “What the hell are you talkin’ about?”
“It’s about time you move on from what happened with that impotent asshole. You haven’t gone on one date or even talked about a guy like this for years. For a while, I hoped you’d see somethin’ in Cade or Jake, but I’ve come to realize none of you look at each other that way. I hoped you would find one of the guys in school attractive, but you never once talked about any of them either. So it’s about fuckin’ time you talk about someone being hot.”
I sighed. What more could I do? Mia was my best friend and she was right. I’d closed myself off from men and the idea of dating for so long I almost forgot how this felt. “Well, it’s not like the man’s ever gonna pay attention to me, so the point is moot.”
“And why wouldn’t he?” she asked. She sounded genuinely confused if not a bit annoyed.
“I don’t know; I’m sure he has a girlfriend or he’s married or somethin’.” I didn’t want to get into this with her. My insecurities and issues pissed her off because she didn’t understand. She could never understand, she was beautiful, men flocked to her and they always had. Back in high school, she could have just about any guy she wanted. No guys ever looked at me as they did her. The only one to pay attention to me ended up being my worst nightmare.
Mia shook her head, “Nope, not married. Not datin’. He’s never even seen with the same girl at more than one event.”
“How in the hell do you know?” I asked.
“Google,” she said as if it should have been obvious. But I hadn’t been thinking about Googling anyone, I’d been entirely too busy to do anything but sleep once I got home. “Come on, Toni. You’re workin’ for the guy, you gotta be curious about him.”
“I’m not workin’ for him. I’m workin’ for Kyle Redding.”
“And Kyle Redding works for Fuller, so you’re workin’ for Julius Fuller whether you like it or not.”
Annoyance, insecurity, and frustration overflowed within me. I didn’t want to talk about Julius Fuller anymore. I didn’t want to feel what I felt Tuesday night. I didn’t want any of it. But Mia’s pushing made me start spouting off with my overflowing emotion. “Whatever. It doesn’t freakin’ matter. None of it freakin’ matters. Yeah, I like how he looks. But he’s probably some kind of man-whore who loves to go around with whatever female spreads her legs for him. I’m not that girl. Besides, it’s just a fan crush. Nothing more. I’m probably not his type anyway.”
She sighed at me, seeming more annoyed than confused now, “What are you talking about, Toni? How would you know what his type is?”
“You’re seriously gonna to make me spell it out for you, aren’t you?”
“I guess you’re gonna have to, because I don’t understand what the hell your problem is right now.”
I sat there for a moment, staring blankly out the window. I wanted to drop this conversation and get the hell out of the car. I wanted to just leave and forget it all. But the look on Mia’s face basically told me she wasn’t going to drop this, no matter what I did.
“I’m not like you, okay?” I whispered. “I’m not beautiful or girly or desirable like you are. Guys see you and their heads turn and watch your every move. Men look at me like I’m just another one of the guys, and that’s exactly what I always wanted.”
Mia shook her head as if she thought I was crazy. “I say this with love, but you’re freakin’ insane. Guys see you. Their heads turn when you walk by, but you are almost unapproachable. You are so much more than beautiful. You are talented, confident, and strong in so many ways, you don’t need a man in your life and that makes you intimidating. Most men want to be the protector, they want to be needed, but you don’t need them as most women do. You don’t need the man to fix your car or to stand up for you because you are strong enough to handle those things on your own. Also having Jake and Cade around as your support system is bound to intimidate any man. I mean look at them, they are both about six feet four inches tall and are built like freakin’ brick walls. What guy in their right mind would approach you when you’re flanked by that?” She paused for a moment and sighed. “The worst part is you don’t have to do a damn thing to yourself; no makeup, hair messy and in a ponytail and you’re still freakin’ beautiful. And if a guy actually does find the balls to decide to approach you and get to know you, they are intimidated by your self-confidence. You think Todd fucked you up. You think he destroyed you, but what you don’t see is you are so much more than you ever were before you went through hell. You came out stronger and better because you won’t ever let someone hurt you again. I wish I had half your confidence and beauty. I wear clothes to get people’s attention. You don’t have to. You just get their attention without trying. The worst part about you? You have this beauty and you don’t even know it. You don’t even notice when guys look at you. You don’t see any of it.”
By the time she was finished speaking, I had tears streaming down my face. “You’re supposed to be supportive. You’re my best friend.”
“And as your best friend, I’m here to tell you if you don’t get your head out of your ass and open your beautiful brown eyes, you’re gonna miss somethin’ special.” She paused for a moment and when I didn’t respond, she growled, “Dammit Toni, when the hell are you gonna see yourself? Cade and Jake tell you how beautiful you are. I do, your dad, Dottie … Need I go on?”
“Y’all are my family. If I was so beautiful, then why the hell did Todd tell me how fucked up I was all the time? Why did he treat me like I was barely more than a stray dog?” And for the first time my true insecurities and worries come out. I’d never talked about Todd and the things he said to me, and even though she said I was stronger since I was with him, his words still echoed through my head daily. They all had an idea, but I never exactly told them what he said, and how he made me feel.
“Todd was an asshole who was trying to control you. He knew how beautiful you are. He knew he wasn’t worthy of you. So he tried destroying you to make you stay. I guess I didn’t realize how much damage he did.”
We pulled in front of the drop off section of the airport. I looked out the window and took in a deep breath. I needed my composure back real quick. I couldn’t deal with the next few days without my confidence. As I turned to tell Mia goodbye, she grabbed my hand. “I’m sorry.”
Her declaration surprised me. I looked at her quizzically. “What are you sorry for?”
“I wa
sn’t there for you. After graduation, I bolted out of Shady Falls and didn’t look back. I thought I was missin’ something livin’ there so I left as fast as I could. I didn’t even stop and think about leavin’ you behind until it was too late. One day I looked and realized we were barely friends anymore, and it was all my fault.”
I didn’t know what to say. She was right, but I never considered her barely a friend. “You’re here now, Mia, and I’m thrilled.”
She just smiled and nodded her head. Her next request confused the hell out of me though. “Toni, you’re my best friend. I love you. But I need you to do somethin’ for me.” She opened the visor above my head and angled the mirror so I could see myself. My brown eyes looked luminous because the whites were pink from my crying and my face was flushed. “You always told me you thought your mother was beautiful. You told me you wished you looked like her. Your mother was an extraordinarily beautiful woman, but what you don’t realize is, you look like her clone. You have her face, her hair, and her soft, perfect features. Your eyes and hair color belong to your father, but the rest of you is your mother. You are just as beautiful and graceful as she was. Look at yourself Toni. See what the rest of the world sees.”
I looked at the mirror and saw some of my mother there; I’d always seen some of her there. But when I looked closer, I could see some of what Mia was referring to. It had been so long since I looked at myself. Every time I looked in the mirror, even for a moment, all I could see was what Todd made me see. I saw a weak and pathetic girl with nothing to offer. Now, for the first time I saw a little more. I saw my mother there, staring back at me.
My mother was a beautiful woman who had men falling over themselves, even though she was married to my father. She had a grace and kindness people couldn’t help but want to be around. Her love was addictive and when you were around her, she just made you feel special. Even at eight years old, I knew my mom was special. And when I looked at myself, I saw something I don’t think I ever noticed before. I saw her. Fresh tears filled my eyes, making what I always thought to be a plain brown sparkle gold. I quickly wiped them before the tears spilled over. I loved this woman sitting next to me. “I don’t know what to say,” I whispered.