by Shelly Davis
“You know, nothing that happened back then was your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just sorry I didn’t see how bad that douchebag fucked with your head.” Mia paused for a minute and smiled. “Now get the hell out of my car and go make all of those guys see the talented and beautiful woman they have gracing them. It doesn’t matter what Julius Fuller does or thinks. He’s just a guy. But you need to realize you’re worthy of whatever and whoever you want. No one can take that away from you.”
Hugging her tightly, I realized how much I had missed her. I thanked her for everything and climbed out of the car. Slinging my bag over my shoulder, I waved as Mia pulled away from the curb. I knew she was right; I had to find some kind of confidence in myself. I’ve always had confidence in my abilities, but never in who I am as a person. I’ve always felt my looks and my personality were lacking. I just didn’t know how to change. Maybe I was pretty, maybe I wasn’t, but at least I could be happy with who I was.
Inside the airport, I made my way through the various levels of security before I was finally able to find the boarding area. A few people littered the area, but none of them looked familiar. Double-checking the information Kyle gave me, I felt confident I was in the right place. So trying to relax, I brought out my book to calm myself down from my emotional drive here. I knew Todd fucked with my head and I knew what he did still affected me. But until I said his name to Mia, I hadn’t realized just how much it still impacted my self-image and my behavior. I tried to stop thinking about him and focus on my book, but my mind kept wandering back to another time.
“God why do I bother with you?” Todd growled at me. “You’re such a screw up. All you do is fuck things up all the damn time. Don’t you ever fuckin’ learn?” He paused for a moment then said, “Naw, you don’t learn shit. You just fuck everything up. And I mean damn, can’t you eat a fuckin’ salad? You’re gettin’ fat as hell.” Todd stood over me after yet another invasion. I wanted out, but every time I tried, he swore he’d kill me before letting me go. The scary part, I believed him.
I had no idea how I let my life became so horrible. Life with Todd just got away from me. No matter how hard I tried to build myself up to leave him, somehow he drew me back in. Like a black hole, it was seemingly impossible to get out once I got sucked in and he was ripping me apart.
“You know Carla was talkin’ to me yesterday,” he said, trying to make me mad. Carla and I never got along. She was always jealous of my relationship with Jake and Cade. She blamed me for the fact neither of them would even give her a second glance. Carla was a pretty and petite girl. Tiny, not much more than five feet tall and a hundred pounds, with long blond hair. She loved to wear short jean skirts with cowboy boots and tight shirts. She was basically my total opposite.
“Yeah, she offered to take care of me. She said I obviously wasn’t bein’ taken care of. Maybe I should let her. She’s beautiful.” He snarled his words at me as if they were supposed to hurt me; I gave up caring a long time ago. I wanted to tell him to go to her, but making him mad would be what he wanted. He sought a reaction out of me. He wanted me to get upset or to tell him to go, just so he could have an excuse to hurt me again. “You know, maybe you’d be prettier if you weren’t so fat. You should go on a diet, maybe color your hair too. Although I don’t think it would matter. Can’t dress up a pig.” His heinous laugh sickened me. Tears burned in my eyes. He knew my insecurities and he used them. “Oh quit fuckin’ cryin’, bitch. You’re lucky you have me. No man wants such a fat, ugly cow like you.”
All the questions ran through my head like they always did. Why didn’t I fight back harder? Why didn’t I yell? Why did I let him hurt me? Why did I stay? Why did I date someone like Todd? Why did I get myself into that situation? Maybe I was a bad judge of character. Maybe I deserved what happened to me. Maybe I made him crazy. Maybe I was over exaggerating. Over reacting. Overly picky. Too weak. Too quiet. Too soft. Too hard to please. Maybe it was my fault.
I didn’t realize how much I still believed the things he said. It was something I’d been working on with my therapist but until I talked to Mia, until I got defensive, I didn’t think I understood how much his words still haunted me. The thoughts were always there, but actually to give them voice made me understand how much I’d allowed them to eat at me. Before I got too involved in my book, I picked up my phone and texted Mia. I knew she wouldn’t see it until later, but it was okay.
Me: Thank you for … everything. Love you!
A few moments later, my phone dinged with an incoming message.
Mia: @ light. Love you too, girl. Have fun and try to relax. And if y’all go swimming, I want pictures of Fuller!
Me: LOL … I will. See you soon.
I set the phone down and waited to see if there would be any more from her. When it was silent, I turned off the ringer, set it to airplane mode, and slid the phone into my bag. Images of what Julius Fuller would look like with no shirt, water dripping down the ridges of his chest … Oh goodness, I couldn’t even continue with those thoughts. I had to stop before I embarrassed myself. Hoping for a distraction, I picked up my book and turned to where I’d left off. The heroine was on a quest to find a statue to stop a battle, while the hero and their friends set out to find a set of giant twins and an imprisoned friend. Book worlds have always helped me to get lost, which was exactly what I needed to get the thoughts of Fuller half naked out of my head and to get through this weekend. I loved reading about supernatural beings, gods, wizards, aliens. I loved them all.
“What’re ya reading?” a deep male voice startled me out of the solace of my book. Looking up I saw Kyle and Julius standing in front of me. Kyle had a huge smile on his face while Julius just looked curious.
“Um, a book about gods and demi-gods,” I said. I kept my gaze on Kyle, even though I knew Julius asked the question.
Kyle took the book from my hand and inspected the front. He sat down next to me and continued to study the cover while Julius hovered above us. His enormous stature and the fact he continued to stand, intimidated me. I looked at my book while Kyle read the back cover. I had to keep my eyes anywhere but on Julius. Mia talking about his half-naked body echoed through my mind as I tried desperately not to blush. I just needed to stop thinking. Ugh, what was I going to do if I couldn’t stop the images of him from flashing through my brain? I was going to kill Mia the next time I saw her. She planted these images, as if I wasn’t going to have a hard enough time working with this man. Now it might be impossible. Damn her.
I glanced up once only to avert my eyes once more. As soon as I’d looked up, he was staring back at me. The confident grin he gave made me think he could read my mind. Damn him, damn her, damn them all. Shit, what was I going to do? My heart was hammering just because he was standing there. Dammit. But then again, he was looking at me. As much as I wanted it to mean something, I knew it didn’t. He was probably just remembering how pissed off he got me a couple nights ago.
“How many times have you read this? It looks like hell,” Kyle said with a grin.
“I don’t know, a few times I guess. The last one in the series is coming out soon, I wanted to reread the series before it comes out,” I explained, realizing how nerdy it probably made me sound, but I didn’t care. Neither of them commented or even made a face. I relaxed a little; I was used to the younger guys in my classes teasing me about reading all the time, Julius and Kyle didn’t comment at all.
“So tell me Toni, what else should I know about you? You’re a damn good mechanic, you obviously like to read … and apparently like to write too. So what else is there?” Kyle asked, thumbing through the book. I hated when people messed with my books.
Julius moved and sat on the other side of Kyle and took the book from his hand. Kyle taking my book bothered me, but Julius having it annoyed the hell out of me. I tended to write things in the margins of my books as I was reading. I highlighted the passages which spoke to me and I sometimes even wrote my own poems or poems I l
oved in the margins. Ideas, poems, and healing thoughts just popped into my head as I read. I never wanted to forget those feelings and thoughts, so I wrote them all down, no matter their meaning. Having people look at these things made me feel exposed. I felt like Julius was going to be able to see into my mind or soul by reading the words held within. Writing was a part of me I didn’t share with others, not even Mia, Jake, or Cade knew that part of me. But Julius was there, book tilted sideways, reading something I’d written inside. Would he see? Would he figure out just how damaged I was? What if he didn’t want a mechanic who was such a freaking wreck?
“I don’t know. What do you want to know?” I asked my eyes still on the object in Julius’ hand. He turned the page, flipping the book upside down and seemingly devouring whatever I had written.
“Who are the Hanson twins to you?” he asked. “I’ve heard a rumor they moved here to be closer to you.”
I sucked in a deep breath. To others, their moving to Mooresville sounded like something lovers would do, but it was a bad time in my life and I was floundering horribly. I was terrified all the time, I was sick and constantly afraid Todd would come find me. I’d even grown afraid of guys built like Todd, which was a huge problem since most of my classmates were smaller guys with stocky builds. Jake and Cade were worried. If my dad could have picked up and come, he would have too. Dad did the next best thing; he made sure I had my Uncle Bobby close to watch over me.
“Cade and Jake are my best friends. They’re actually more like my brothers.”
“So they moved to Mooresville? Are you sure there ain’t more than friendship? Guys don’t usually pick up and move if they ain’t gettin’ somethin’ for it,” said Kyle, his tone crisp and confident. I hated when people assumed there was something more between us, it just wasn’t true. It also pissed me off that he just assumed he had any right to know such private things about me. The whole time I sat there thinking about how to answer, I watched Julius thumb through the pages. He stopped from time to time, turning the book while his eyes scanned the pages, he also seemed to be listening to our conversation. Now I felt especially uncomfortable with him having my book.
“Cade and Jake are my family, I love them dearly. But there’s nothin’ more, not that it’s your business.” I wanted to smack my hand over my mouth. He was my boss; he held my future in racing in his hands. I didn’t want to piss him off.
“Well, if neither of them are your boyfriend, then who is?” Kyle asked. I relaxed, thankful he didn’t get pissed.
Shaking my head and snickering a little, I said, “I don’t have a boyfriend.”
“A pretty girl like you don’t have a boyfriend?” he asked.
A flight attendant opened the doors to where we would board the plane. I was happy for the distraction and hoped his questioning would stop because of the distraction. Her gaze traveled over the empty seating area and I finally acknowledged there was no one else around but the three of us. “Mr. Fuller, Mr. Redding, the plane is ready.”
“What’s goin on here?” I asked, confused.
“It’s time to go,” Kyle said with a smile. He stood and took my hand; Kyle pulled me up with him. He grabbed my bag and threw it over his shoulder with his own. I looked over at Julius who still had my book in his hand. Julius followed as Kyle pulled me along with him toward the doors. “Come on.”
Looking around the inside of the plane, I was shocked by what I saw. It was a private jet with all of the large, plush, and comfortable seating areas you see on television. I didn’t know planes like this actually existed. “What are we doin’ here?” I asked.
“Flyin’ to Florida. This is the company plane. We rarely fly commercial anymore.”
“But where’s everyone else?” I asked still confused. I mean it made sense that Julius flew like this. And it made sense Kyle flew with him, they were best friends after all. But why was I there when the rest of the guys weren’t?
“They fly commercial, Toni.”
“But shouldn’t I be with the rest of the guys?” I asked.
“No, you shouldn’t.” Julius’ tone left nothing for argument. He was adamant and this was apparently not up for debate at all. They wanted me on this plane, but I didn’t understand why I was being treated different from the others.
“But I’d rather be with the team,” I pushed.
Kyle looked between Julius and me. He looked curious and a little confused, but he quickly masked any questions forming in his mind. “I fly with Jules,” Kyle said. “You are my apprentice so you fly with me.” I was with Kyle and he was with Julius, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could say about it.
Kyle led me toward a window seat and sat next to me. Julius sat right across from me where he would constantly be in my line of sight through this two-hour flight. He still had my book in his hand, thumbing through the pages; I wanted it back. I needed my book, it was like my security blanket shielding me from a world I wasn’t comfortable in and didn’t completely trust.
“Can I have my book back please?” I asked, trying not to make eye contact with him.
“No, I think I wanna read this,” Julius said distractedly.
“Why would you wanna read the third book in the series? If you’re gonna to read it, you should start from the beginning.”
“Nope, this is good. I’ll read this one.”
“But …” I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to make a big deal, but I needed my book. I needed the security and the distraction, from him. Sighing in resignation, I pulled my bag from under my seat and fished out my e-reader. I’d just trade him. “How ‘bout I give you my e-reader,” I said. “Then you can start from the beginning and I can have my book back.”
“Nope, I don’t think so,” he said stubbornly. “I like this one. The notes are interesting.”
“Ya might as well give it up, Toni,” Kyle smirked. “When he makes up his mind, he don’t relent.”
“Fine,” I grumbled. I wasn’t happy, but it wasn’t worth making a big deal out of it either. I opened my e-reader to where I left off and tried desperately to distract myself from the man sitting right in my line of vision, but it was impossible. Just sitting there, he drew my attention. I couldn’t stop myself from glancing toward him, frequently. I’d never had this kind of reaction to anyone I’d ever encountered before. It terrified me.
Chapter Six
Julius
The look on her face when I wouldn’t give the book up was priceless. But the fuckin’ thing was like a window into who she was. The notes she wrote in it were more revealing about who she was than they were about whatever the fuck the story was about. I could give two shits less about the yarn being told. Her notes, the doodles, and the highlighted passages are what interested me. These were things that touched her in some way, at least enough for her to want to remember them.
I liked learning there was nothing between her and the Hanson twins. I liked those guys and didn’t want to have to dissolve my partnership with them because one of them was banging her. I just wasn’t sure why I was having such a serious reaction to the idea of her being with someone. I had no right to those feelings and I wasn’t even sure what I thought I wanted from her.
I turned the page in the book and there was a passage highlighted in bright green, ‘… he knew that the most important thing was that they were together.’ The passage talked about the hero and heroine being separated and then finally being together again. Then on the side of the same page in the margin was what seemed to be part of a poem written …
In every life, there is a fear
Of everything dying.
In every life, there is a hope
That will make the fear go flying.
In every love, there is a dream
Of it always staying strong.
In every love, there is a worry
That everything will go wrong.
Those words spoke volumes about the girl—but what it was specifically, I wasn’t completely sure. It was obvi
ous by the words she longed for love, but apparently, she hadn’t found what she was looking for. It also appeared she was afraid of something or someone. What holds such a beautiful girl back from finding love? I was sure the guys in her classes had to have noticed her. She would be impossible not to notice. Beautiful face, beautiful figure, insanely talented; there was no way they didn’t notice her. There was no way they all just accepted whatever role she allowed them to play in her life. They may not have pushed it, but they must have thought it. How could they not?
“So Toni, back to my earlier question. A pretty girl like you doesn’t have a boyfriend— why?” Kyle asked, almost as if he could read my thoughts. I kept my eyes on the pages in front of me, on what I figured was her writing and quite possibly an original poem, but my ears stayed on their conversation.
“I just don’t. I don’t think about it much. Besides, in my experience, boys are a problem I don’t need in my life.”
“Maybe boys are your problem,” I mumble without thinking. I didn’t want to be part of this conversation, but the words spilled out of me before I could stop them. Boys probably were her problem. Boys are arrogant, pigheaded, and stupid. Boys have no regard for anyone but themselves and getting what they want. Men at least have a little more going for them. I looked up and loved what I saw, the fervor from the other night was flashing in her gorgeous eyes.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” she asked, a fire in her eyes.
“Boys are immature and usually insecure. Men are more established and confident. Men cherish and protect women, boys are just looking for a quick bang,” I said quietly. I wasn’t trying to argue, but more than likely boys were her problem. “How old are you, Toni?” I asked, getting ready to prove my point.