Relative-ly Speaking

by Karen D. Badger

  Skylar looked at her mother through furrowed brow. "That does sound boring!" she exclaimed.

  "Yeah. Actually, I'd rather go camping with you guys in Jen's back yard! You're the ones who'll have all the fun," Billie said regretfully.

  "Maybe you can come with us!" Skylar suggested excitedly, making Billie wince as she realized she had gone a bit too far.

  Putting on her poutiest face, she sighed deeply. "I wish I could, sweetie, but Mama and I are the hostesses, so I have to be here!" she said.

  Skylar patted her mother on the back. "Don't worry, Mom, I'll bring some toasted marshmallows home for you tomorrow," she promised.

  Billie smiled. "Really?" she said hopefully. "That would be great! And I'll save you a piece of cake. Deal?" she said, extending her hand to the little girl.

  "Deal!" Skylar said as she took her mother's hand and shook it vigorously.

  ***

  "Oh, baby, baby! Take it all off!" Bridget shouted as she cheered the stripper on.

  Jimmy was very buff. Six feet tall, sandy blond hair, muscular build, slim-waisted, very tight glutes...and an instant success with the ladies—well, at least with most of them.

  Cat sat back in her chair and thoroughly enjoyed the scene before her. There, standing on the coffee table was Jimmy, wearing nothing but a G-string, gyrating his hips to the music of Bon Jovi. All round him, were several ladies, in various states of drunkeness, all dancing...the most surprising of which was Bridget, who was whooping and hollering louder than the rest of them combined.

  "Hey, sweetness!" Billie said, tripping over her own feet and landing in Cat's lap.

  "Hmph!" Cat replied. "Are you having a good time, love?" she asked after regaining her breath.

  "Sure am!" Billie answered. "This is a great party. Jimmy almost makes me forget that I'm gay!" she added laughingly, her eyes traveling up and down the sleek muscular body posed on the coffee table.

  Cat frowned at her wife's interest in their entertainer. "Really?" she asked seriously.

  Billie's eye softened as they met Cat's. "No, not really. But it sure does help me remember why I found men attractive in my younger days," she admitted.

  Cat looked at Jimmy once more and grinned, nodding in agreement. "I'm kind of surprised with Bridget," she commented.

  "Bridget? I'm surprised at our mothers! Did you see them earlier? They were sticking five-dollar bills in his G-string! You can dress them up, but you can't take them anywhere!" she said, chuckling.

  The entire party had been a success right from the start. They had manufactured a plan to have Dylan drop Drew off at six to have dinner with Cat and Billie while he attended his own bachelor party. Drew was in a funk when she arrived, sulking over the fact that there was bound to be a stripper at Dylan's party. Billie and Cat took Drew to the local steak house where they enjoyed a nice dinner while the rest of the ladies arrived at their house and hid in strategic places to surprise Drew when they returned.

  At nearly eight, Cat, Billie and Drew walked into a darkened living room and were immediately met with a chorus of surprise as the lights flashed on and the ladies appeared to greet Drew with cheers of congratulations. The party escalated from there when Jo broke out a large jar of maraschino cherries that had been soaking in rum for a week. Over the next hour, the ladies joked, partied, drank and ate the intoxicating cherries as Drew opened her bridal shower gifts, most of them suggestive in nature, including black crotch-less panties, negligees, vibrators, and even a large rubber dildo from Jo, which made Alex blush from head to toe as Jo's eyebrows danced up and down after Drew opened it.

  At promptly nine o'clock, there was a knock on the door.

  "I'll get it!" Bridget proclaimed as she rose a little unsteadily to her feet and answered the door. There before her, stood a very good-looking man in a long, dark trench coat.

  "Is this the Charland residence?" the man asked.

  "Yes it is. How may I help you?" Bridget asked politely.

  In response, the man grabbed the front of the trench coat and ripped it open, exposing glistening tanned limbs, muscular chest, and near-total nakedness, covered only by small spandex bikini briefs.

  Bridget screamed and fell back onto her rump, drawing the attention of the other ladies. Seeing the prize that was still standing in the doorway, Amy rushed forward, and stepping over a still prostrate Bridget, invited their guest in, totally ignoring her sister's plight on the floor.

  "Oh, do come in!" Amy purred. "And your name is...?" she asked, leading him into the living room.

  "Jimmy," he replied, grinning ear to ear.

  "Jimmy. I like it!" Amy replied. Stopping in the doorway to the living room, she announced their presence. "Ladies, I give you, Jimmy!" she said excitedly, removing his coat and throwing it across a living room chair.

  Jimmy was immediately surrounded by the ladies, all a little tipsy from the drinks and cherries, and all wanting a close-up view of their guest. Bridget, having scrambled to her feet, followed them into the living room. "I…I let him in!" she proclaimed, trying to gain one up on the ogling ladies.

  After a few moments, Jimmy asked which of the ladies was Drew. When Drew was introduced to him, he took her by the hand and led her to a chair. Asking the other ladies to give him some room, he set up a portable boom box with his own pre-recorded music, and began to dance. And dance he did. As Drew sat mesmerized in the chair, Jimmy gyrated around her, bending over her to run his tongue across her face, taking her hands and rubbing them all over his body, straddling her lap and rubbing up against her. By the time his dance had finished, he had ripped off the bikini briefs, exposing the G-string beneath, and leaving a very flustered Drew speechless and a very excited group of ladies hoarse from cheering him on.

  The next couple of hours were spent entertaining the ladies, who became rowdier as the night progressed, culminating in the five-dollar bills being tucked into Jimmy's G-string by Laurel and Ida as he danced.

  Finally, as the last song died down, Jimmy jumped off the table and announced that he had another engagement to fulfill, calling an end to the evening amidst regretful protests from the ladies.

  Climbing out of Cat's lap, Billie helped her to her feet and together, they thanked Jimmy for his services. After dutifully hugging each of the ladies, and receiving a pinch on the butt from Jo, he donned his trench coat, collected his stereo and was on his way.

  "Damn! He was hot!" exclaimed Jen, who was fanning herself as she watched him climb into his car and drive away.

  "He was okay, for a man," Jo replied.

  "Oh, he was like...so much more than okay," added Drew as she pulled his bikini briefs out of her pocket to the delight of all the ladies. "He was like, in-fucking-credible!" she finished, starting a chorus of squeals and cheers.

  "To Jimmy!" exclaimed Amy, raising her drink high.

  "To Jimmy!" the ladies added as each one raised her own drink, and many more throughout the night.

  CHAPTER 23

  "Kill me, please!" Josephine begged, half sitting and half reclining; trying hard to get out of bed.

  "Josephine Wycliffe, stop being such a baby. It's not like this is your first hangover, you know," Alex replied from her seat in front of the vanity where she was brushing her hair.

  "It seems the older I get, the less I can tolerate a night out with the girls," Jo said as she finally righted herself. She rested her elbows on her thighs and dropped her head into her hands. "I need some drugs," she added, half mumbling.

  "There's a couple of pain killers right there on the night stand. I kinda thought you'd need them when you finally woke up," Alex said over her shoulder.

  Jo looked at the pills and water on the bedside table, then back at Alex. "Thank you, Alex." After taking the medication, she placed the glass back on the stand. "Alex, why do you put up with me?" she asked. "I mean, we've been together for fifty years, and I'll be damned if I can figure out why. I haven't been the easiest person in the world to live with."

  Alex pu
t the brush down on the vanity, and looked at Jo through the mirror. "No, you haven't been the easiest to live with, but I happen to be partial to your ninety-six pack, Josie," she replied.

  Jo frowned. "ninety-six pack?" she asked.

  "Yes. Josie, you add variety to my life. And besides, there's somethin' about you that's just so cute. I've grown quite fond of it," Alex tried to explain.

  "Cute? Cute?" Jo exclaimed. "After fifty years, the best you can come up with is cute?"

  "Well you don't have to be so touchy about it," Alex replied.

  Jo was now on her feet. "That's cold, Alex. Damned cold!"

  Alex rose to her feet and approached Jo. When she tried to place a hand on her shoulder, Jo promptly pulled away and turned her back to Alex.

  "Josie?" she asked softly.

  With her back still to Alex, Jo began in a shaky voice. "Alex, if someone had asked me why, after fifty years we were still together, I would say it's because we love each other." Turning to face Alex, she looked her straight in the eye. "You could have left me a thousand times over the course of our relationship, and I would have never blamed you. I know I wasn't easy to live with at times, but you stayed. As bad as things got, you stayed. I thought it was because you loved me. I didn't expect cute," she explained.

  Alex reached out to touch the side of Jo's face. "Josie, I do love you. Truly, I do," she said tenderly.

  "Then why didn't you accept my proposal, Alex?" Jo asked sternly.

  Now it was Alex's turn to frown.

  "On the plane?" Jo reminded her sarcastically.

  "I...I...," Alex began before a knock came to the bedroom door.

  "Grams, Chet is here to pick you up," Billie said from the other side of the door.

  "Chet?" Jo asked sharply. "What the hell does he want?"

  Alex wrung her hands nervously. "He called this morning while you were asleep and invited us to go to the local museum," she explained.

  Jo sat down on the bed again and stared at the floor. "Well, I'll be damned," she said.

  "Josie, the invitation was for both of us," Alex added hastily.

  Jo looked at her with such venom in her eyes it caused Alex to gasp. "No. Don't let me interrupt your little rendezvous, Al. Have a good time," she spat before looking back to the floor.

  "Josie, please, I'd like you to come," Alex pleaded.

  "Grams? Chet is waiting. What should I tell him?" Billie said from the other side of the door.

  Alex looked back and forth between the door and Jo. "Tell him I'll be right there, dear," she said shakily. Turning back to Josephine, she tried once more. "Josie..."

  "No Alex. I'm not going. Your date is here. You'd better not keep him waiting," she said without looking up.

  Sighing deeply, Alex picked up her sun hat from the vanity and placed it daintily on her head. Casting one more look in Jo's direction, she walked slowly to the door, opened it and left.

  "Damn!" Jo whispered as a lone tear fell onto the carpet at her feet.

  ***

  "Cat, I need a drink," Jo demanded as she stomped into the kitchen.

  Cat put her coffee cup and newspaper down and furrowed her brow at her grandmother. "It's ten o'clock in the morning. How about a cup of coffee?" she asked.

  "If I wanted coffee, I would have asked for coffee!" the Jo snapped.

  Rising to her feet, Cat approached her grandmother, who was obviously distressed. She put her arm around her grandmother and led her to the table where she pulled out a chair for her. "Sit. I'll get you some coffee, then you can tell me all about it," she said.

  Resigned to the fact that her granddaughter wasn't going to give her the drink she wanted, Jo slumped back in her chair and nodded, begrudgingly accepting the coffee Cat placed before her.

  Reclaiming her own seat, Cat reached across the table and placed a hand on Josephine's arm. "Now, wanna tell me what this is all about?" she asked.

  "'Morning, neighbor!" Jen said as she suddenly breezed into the room, immediately drawing the attention of the two ladies sitting at the table.

  Jo's eyes flew open, then narrowed into angry slits. "That's what this is all about!" she said, pointing at Jen. "Her father! That...that...that Casanova," she accused angrily.

  Jen's eyebrows took up residence in her hairline as she stopped dead in her tracks. "My father?" she asked.

  "Grandma Jo, calm down," Cat said to the distressed woman. "Jen, honey, help yourself to some coffee, then come sit with us," she suggested to her friend.

  Retrieving her coffee, Jen cautiously approached the table, thinking to herself that this charade she and Billie were up to may be going a little too far. "Where's Billie?" she asked, taking a sip of her coffee.

  "She's gone to the store. It seems that the White Russians were a big hit at the party last night and we are now completely out of milk," Cat explained.

  Jen grinned. "Guilty as charged. I believe I was responsible for putting away three or four of them myself," she replied.

  "How are the kids this morning?" Cat asked.

  "Oh, they're all still out cold. I think Fred let them stay up until dawn. They'll probably sleep well into the morning," Jen explained.

  "Good. That will give me a chance to clean up the party debris before they come home," Cat added.

  "I'll give you a hand. After all, I believe I was a major contributor to the mess," Jen laughed, remembering the handful of potato chips that ended up crushed under her feet after she dropped them in a flustered state when Jimmy ripped off his bikini briefs.

  Jo sat there, following the conversation between these two women like a tennis ball back and forth across the net.

  "Hello? Remember me?" she said loudly, interrupting them.

  Both women looked at Jo and simultaneously replied, "What?"

  Jo threw her hands out to the sides to emphasize her plight. "Chet? Casanova? Alex? Is any of this ringing a bell?" she asked sarcastically.

  Snapping back to the dilemma at hand, Jen tried to calm her fears. "Jo, I wouldn't worry too much about Daddy. He's quite harmless," she explained.

  "Harmless? When he's in the room, Alex doesn't even know I exist. Hell, they're gone off together at this very moment," Josephine exclaimed.

  "Grandma Jo, they're gone to the museum, and you were invited as well. You just let your pride stop you from going with them," Cat observed.

  "I really didn't want to feel like a third wheel, Cat," she said in her own defense. "If I could just figure out what she sees in him," Josephine wondered out loud.

  "Sees in who?" Billie asked as she stepped into the kitchen and walked across the room to deposit the gallon of milk in the refrigerator. Returning to the table, she placed a kiss on Cat's cheek, then went to the counter to pour herself a cup of coffee. Bringing it to the table, she sat down as she asked her question again. "Sees in who?"

  "Jo is very upset that Alex has gone to the museum with Daddy this morning," Jen explained.

  "Well if you're that worried, Grandma Jo, you should have gone with them," Billie suggested.

  "And just what would that have accomplished?" Jo asked impatiently.

  "Well, it appears to me that you've left the door wide open for Chet to walk through," Billie said. "I mean, look at Chet. He's the perfect southern gentleman. He's polite, cordial, courteous, and complimentary. He has the formal manners of the South that Grams considers so important," she added.

  "And what am I, dog meat?" Jo barked out.

  "No, no, of course not," Cat replied quickly. "Grandma Jo, don't you see what Billie is trying to say? To Grams, Chet is a breath of fresh air, a nostalgic memory from her debutante years. She misses that."

  Jo lowered her gaze to the coffee cup that she cradled between her hands. Looking up once more, the three younger ladies could see tears misting in her eyes. "I can never be that southern gentleman she is yearning for," she said with such resignation that she wasn't the only one at the table fighting the flow of tears.

  Gulping to control her emo
tions, Billie placed her large hand over both of Josephine's smaller ones which were still holding the coffee cup. "Grandma Jo," she began. "She doesn't expect you to be. She loves you just the way you are. I think she just misses the old ways, and once in a while it doesn't hurt to let her enjoy it...even if it doesn't come from you," she finished.

  "But I want it to come from me," Jo replied, her bottom lip quivering slightly.

  "Then I guess we have some work to do," Billie answered, looking at the nodding heads around the table.

  "Count me in," Cat said, finally allowing tears to escape as she placed her own hand on the growing tower covering Jo's coffee cup.

  "Ditto," Jen added, adding her hand to the pile.

  ***

  Billie, Cat, Jen and Jo were soon on their way to the mall to find something special for Jo to wear to the wedding. Along the way, their discussion centered on what the ladies felt Jo had to do to secure Alex's attentions.

  "You want me to do what?" Jo exclaimed leaning forward in her seat.

  "It won't hurt you to wait on her hand and foot for a day. Even you admit she deserves it," Cat replied.

  Jo grumbled, folding her arms across her chest and pouting.

  "You've got to remember that Grams was raised in the old southern style, where the ladies were pampered. It's been years since she has allowed herself that luxury. Indulge her. You want her to know you really care, don't you?" Cat asked, knowing Josephine couldn't say no.