You Should Smile

by Lee, Renee

  I didn’t understand what the big deal was. She saw me, so what? “She doesn’t know who I am. She doesn’t know I’m your student.”

  He stomped over to the couch and sat down, head still in hands. “Doesn’t matter. She’ll find out. She’ll ruin you….”

  “FUCK!!!!!!” He slammed his fist on the coffee table and the sound resonated throughout the room. Then he grabbed the glass sitting there and heaved it against the wall. The glass hit the wood with an echoing clang, breaking into a million tiny pieces that cascaded across the hardwood floor.

  It might as well have been my heart. I knew he got angry, but I’d never seen him like this. He was a violent storm of emotions, a volcano erupting before my eyes. I didn’t even recognize him. And when I thought back to his name again, I thought maybe I didn’t really know him at all.

  Then he said three words. They were just three little words, but not the three you usually want to hear. No, these three simple little words carried a powerful, painful punch.

  “You should leave,” he whispered.

  My heart. It froze. Ice went through my veins. A bitter laugh emanated from within. “Yeah, I probably should…..”

  I went to the bedroom and changed quickly, grabbing my things, and pulling out my pass for the underground. My underwear. They were still on the kitchen floor, ripped. Fuck it. I’d go without.

  When I came back into the living room, he still sat on the couch, looking down, defeated, deadened.

  “You push me away, Thad, and she wins,” I said aloud to him.

  He looked up at me, tears in his eyes. His voice was barely a whisper. “I can’t do this to you anymore….Your whole life could be ruined…..I’m sorry….”

  I wanted to cry. I wanted to, but I was still too stunned I think for it to set in yet. I was mostly just surprised and angry. Then I said something I’ll regret forever. Always. “You’re nothing like your grandfather, Thaddeus…..You’re a fucking coward.”

  With those words, I walked out of his house – and that part of his life.

  Chapter Nineteen

  You know that part of the movie where the heroine has her heart broken and she still has to go on living? Wait, that’s real life, isn’t it?

  The sun still came up the next day. That’s always the funny thing about life. The world just keeps on going on around you, while inside you are broken. Lost. Aching.

  In the movies, when the heroine is upset, her sadness is always relieved by a pint of ice cream or wine. It always seems to glorify the pain – as if eating or drinking can just make it go away. In real life, though, those things only serve to numb the pain a little, numb it just enough to make it bearable. In the case of alcohol, the movies never show you launched over the toilet or waking up with a hangover. In real life, it’s a vicious cycle – you wake up in pain from the hangover, but the heartbreak is worse than the hangover. The only way to feel numb again is to start drinking again.

  I knew it wasn’t healthy to turn to vices to deal with pain. It’s just that in the coldest realities of real life, sometimes the pain was just too hard to bear on my own.

  The days went by and I didn’t hear a word from him. I’d sometimes look down at my phone, willing a text to come….but it never does, does it? He was really gone. An ache that held no pity filled my chest as I tried to make it through each day. Taking a shower seemed like a monumental task. Brushing my teeth seemed trivial. The thought of eating made me want to throw up. On that fourth morning without him, though, I made myself get out of bed and get ready. I had to go up to the department to do some work. I had no choice. Life kept going on whether I was ready for it or not.

  I prayed silently on the way up the elevator that I wouldn’t see him. I reached our floor and offices without seeing anyone and I was grateful for that. I breathed a sigh of relief.

  I’d been in the grad student computer lab working for a while when Melissa trounced in, singing some annoying pop song. I gave her a hollow “hello” in return to her cheery greeting and went back to my research. I laughed to myself at the thoughts she must’ve had about me. I knew I looked terrible. Dark circles under my eyes, no makeup. Hair up in a sloppy bun. Cargo pants and a wrinkled t-shirt. I just didn’t have the energy to care about my appearance that morning. I wanted to laugh and say, “Hey, you should’ve seen me yesterday. Today’s a big improvement. I took a shower!” I didn’t even have the energy to do my usual awkward joking, though. Not then.

  After about ten minutes, I heard her shrill voice. “Hey, Shay…” and I turned toward her. She was sitting a few computers over from my own. We were still the only two people up there. Her eyes held mischief.

  “Yeah?” My voice came out as a whisper.

  “Guess who I saw today in the cafeteria?” She rolled her chair out from her desk to face me, smiling broadly.

  I sighed noticeably. I really didn’t care who she saw. “Who?”

  “Thad…..having lunch with Dr. Vianca. They looked pretty close. Too close, I thought…..I think they’re bangin’.” Her eyes gleamed with gossipy glee.

  Tears pricked my eyes and I knew I was going to cry, so I held my hand up in an effort to stop any more stupid words from coming out of her stupid mouth. Dr. Rebecca Vianca was around Thad’s age and another professor in the psychology department. As far as I knew, she was single. Everyone knew she was gorgeous, though. And I mean Italian supermodel-type of gorgeous. College guys took her classes just so they could stare at her. Half of them forgot to even take notes. I was sick. I needed to throw up. I was mostly sick about the fact that Thad could move on so easily, it seemed. How could he?! How is it possible that I could barely breathe and that asshole could just walk around like it’s a random Tuesday lunch date? Why couldn’t he hurt like I did?

  She actually looked sympathetic then. “Oh shit. I’m sorry. I…..”

  I felt the horror of her knowing about my feelings for him. I couldn’t let her think that. I had to think quickly. “No. It’s okay. My uh…..my dog died yesterday. It’s been hard…..thinking about my…..uh....dog.…Harry. Yeah, Harry. Harry was a great dog.”

  She nodded, seeming content with that explanation. “I’m so sorry to hear about Harry, Shay. I love dogs. That’s a bummer.”

  “Yeah, a real bummer. Harry was a special dog.” I hurriedly shut off my computer and grabbed my bag. “I gotta go. I’m supposed to meet with the vet to talk about burial and all that….for Harry….my dog….”

  I couldn’t run fast enough out of that building to the safety of my apartment – and my wine glass. When I got there, I raised a glass to toast the memory of Harry. May he rest in peace.

  ***************

  On day five of post-Thad, after ignoring texts from Grant and avoiding the office, I heard a pounding on my door.

  “I know you’re in there, Princess. I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m worried about you. Let me in or I’ll scream bloody murder….”

  Still, I lay there on the couch, in my pajamas, watching old romance movies.

  “Alright, then. You asked for it………..AAAAHHHHHHH!!! HELP ME!!!!” Grant’s screams echoed throughout the stairwell and hallway. I thought my mirrors were going to break. I stumbled off the couch and opened the door, pissed off.

  “The neighbors are gonna call the cops now, asshole.”

  “There’s my Princess.” Without being asked in, he rushed by me and stepped in the living room. “What’s going on? You never ignore my texts and I was worried about you.” He then took turns slowly glancing at my sweats, then my hair, then the movie, and then the wine glass. “Oh shit. What happened?”

  It just spilled out. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I was tired of the lies, the shame, the hurt, the pain. It was as if it had all been held inside a dam that had finally broken loose – the kind of dam that breaks and ravishes entire towns and villages, leaving nothing in its wake.

  I sat down and told him everything – the truth about Thad and me, all of it. Gina. Thad’s “bre
ak-up”, what Melissa had said…..When I was finally finished, I wiped the tears streaming down my face and sucked down a huge gulp of the wine, sniffling loudly.

  Grant sat down on the couch beside me. “Oh, Princess. What a pickle…..I knew something was going on with you two. It was written all over your faces. I never said anything to anyone, I promise, but I did see it….and this Gina chick. She sounds terrible….” He shuddered. “Look, I can’t say I agree with Thad’s bizarre thought process, but he apparently thinks he’s doing it for your own good.” I started to speak and he cut me off. “I know you don’t see it that way and I don’t blame you. I’m just trying to offer another explanation…..” He sighed. “And I just don’t see the Dr. Vianca thing. He’s a hot guy and all, so he could get new ass if he wanted, but that’s a major dick move. I just don’t see him pulling that type of shit….”

  I took another sip of wine. “You mean you haven’t talked to him?”

  He shook his head. “He won’t answer my texts either. I thought the two of you had disappeared and run off together……or something….” He trailed off, realizing it probably wasn’t the best time to say that.

  I let it go. “You know what really bothers me the most, Grant? It’s that he gave up so easily because of that psycho. I don’t care if he thinks it’s better for me. He gave her what she wanted.”

  “I know, Princess. I know.”

  Chapter Twenty

  You know that part of the movie where the main characters have to see each other for the first time after the heartbreak? Yeah, well, we still had our weekly dissertation meeting scheduled the day after I confided in Grant. I thought about cancelling. I really did. Part of me wanted to, but the other part of me was also curious about seeing him. Bipolar again. Mostly, I had to finish the damn dissertation somehow and I couldn’t really afford to blow off those meetings. I’d come too far.

  I also kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the letter or phone call indicating Thad and I were in some sort of trouble. It didn’t come. Obviously, Gina hadn’t figured out who I was yet.

  There was one thing I was not going to do, though, and that was let him for one second think that this was affecting me as badly as it was. No more drunken, stinky Shay. I took a shower, shaved, and fixed my hair. If I was going to do this, I was going to at least look good, dammit.

  He was sitting at his desk, head held down when I knocked on the door. He looked up slowly, eyes dark and dead. His face was unshaven and dark circles framed his eyes. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days. That gave me a small measure of satisfaction. Good, I hoped he’d tossed and turned all night long. Served him right, asshat.

  “Have a seat, Shay.” His voice was low, emotionless.

  I plopped down on the seat across from his desk and faced him, chin held high. I made my voice as even and controlled as I could. “Sure thing, Dr. Reeding. Where shall we begin? With the theory section?”

  He looked up at me with a frown, flexing his jaw, clearly uncomfortable. He looked away quickly and stared at the desk again, clearing his throat. “Certainly, Ms. Elliott. Let’s start with the theory….”

  It went on like that for the next half hour – the two of us discussing my dissertation awkwardly, avoiding the dark gray cloud hanging over us both.

  It was then that I heard a soft knock on the door. I turned around to see Dr. Vianca standing there. Bile rose to my throat.

  Her soft voice carried across the room, “Hey Thad. I’m so sorry to interrupt. I was just going to tell you that I can’t make it to lunch today…..” She paused and looked at me, smiling. “You must be Shay.” She gave me a friendly wave. Instinctively, I waved back, even though my mind was screaming not to. Always polite.

  Thad just nodded at her, indicating he’d heard what she said. She smiled again sweetly and walked off down the hall.

  I turned to him, eyes blazing. I wasn’t about to even try to stop myself after the shit he pulled with Pete before. “Does she know your full name?” I hissed.

  He looked up, confusion in his weary eyes. “Full name? What are you talking about?”

  “Everyone at this fucking university seems to know your full name, Thaddeus.”

  It finally registered. He sighed. “Shay, my full name is Thaddeus Douglass Reeding. Mom named me after Thaddeus Stevens and Frederick Douglass because she wanted names that represented heroes for equality.” Swallowing forcefully, he added, “I’m sorry I never told you…..but you never asked, either. I never even thought about it….Jesus, I would’ve told you.” He looked stricken.

  I didn’t care. I wanted him to suffer as much as I was suffering. I kept going. “Melissa saw you and Dr. Vianca eating lunch yesterday….said you seemed awfully close. What a shame you won’t be able to eat with her today, too…” I spit out the words like they were poison in my mouth.

  His eyebrows shot up. I saw his jaw clench again. Oh, it’s on now, I thought. I knew I’d pushed his “angry button”, but I didn’t care. I crossed my arms and continued to stare him down, daring him to go postal. He saw my challenge and backed down. His shoulders slumped and he took a breath.

  Then he had the audacity to smirk. Motherfucking smirk.

  I bristled and held my chin up, trying to retain my dignity without crying. I was about to go to my own anger level when he finally whispered, “I don’t know what Melissa told you, Shay, but Rebecca is just my friend. We went to grad school together. She’s always been just a friend…..who’s a lesbian. Doesn’t necessarily advertise it, but yeah.….into girls.”

  My mouth fell open. Did not see that one coming.

  His smirk was still there and his jaw was still flexing. “I do find it humorous that you’re so quick to believe all rumors you hear. What else did Melissa tell you, huh? Did she tell you that Rebecca grabbed my hand? Comforted me? Did she tell you that I confided in Rebecca because I trust her and I needed to tell someone that I crossed a line with a grad student? That I was a fuck-up because I probably ruined this student’s future? That I care about this student? That the best thing I can do for this student is to get the hell away from her? That I fucking hate myself for all of it? Did you hear any of that, Shay? Because that’s what the fuck happened!…” His voice was rising with each sentence and I winced at the volume change. “Oh, yeah, and then we hugged goodbye and I kissed her on the cheek….wanna make sure the gossipmonger told you that part, too…” His smirk had turned into a glare.

  I took a deep breath – what felt like the first breath I’d taken in days. The thought that a single breath in a single moment could be that momentous made tears come to my eyes. I didn’t even try to stop them. They rolled down my cheeks in successive glory. I glanced down at the ground, afraid to look back up again.

  “I need to go,” I whispered.

  He nodded. Then sighed. “I know we didn’t finish all of the theory section yet. You don’t have to come back up here. Let’s just finish the meeting tomorrow night via Skype, okay?”

  “Okay,” I shrugged as I gathered my things to leave. I hurriedly wiped at my tears to dry them so no one would notice I’d been crying.

  When I reached the doorway, I heard his voice again, softer this time. “I’m sorry, Shay. I should’ve never put you in this position. I just hope it’s not too late to protect you. I never wanted to hurt you. Never.”

  “Too late,” I mumbled as I walked out the door.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  I wasn’t looking forward to our scheduled Skype meeting the next night. At all. I’d made myself work on the dissertation after our meeting the day before and I felt like I was finally making some good progress. I was getting lost in the process, at least, which kept my mind off everything else. I really didn’t want to think about him anymore.

  As the scheduled time for our meeting came and went, though, I wondered if I was supposed to contact him. I couldn’t remember. He usually Skyped me first. That was our pattern, but maybe I was supposed to contact him.

  Unsure,
I went on and pushed the button to call. It rang a few times before he finally answered.

  He still looked bad. The lines on his face were particularly pronounced in the camera glare, seeming to highlight his tiredness. His voice was hollow. His eyes were rimmed red. I noticed the bottle of bourbon and a glass with dark liquid in it sitting on the coffee table.

  When he finally spoke, I knew he was beyond drunk. Wasted. I’d never seen him wasted before – drunk, yes, but wasted? Shit-faced? Never.

  “I forgot about the meeting.” The words were devoid of emotion.

  I hesitated. “Uh, it’s okay. We can reschedule.”

  He picked up the glass of bourbon and looked at the camera, taking a drink. “Prob’ly a good idea.” I hated the look in his eyes. He was like a robot. Uncaring. Unfeeling.

  I couldn’t help it. He looked so barren. I had to ask. “Are you okay?”

  He didn’t move his head, just moved his eyes upward, staring into the camera. “Okay? Define ‘okay’…..” Lifeless. His words were lifeless.

  “I, uh….” I stopped. I didn’t know what to say. I had no idea what to say. So I asked the obvious question instead. “How much have you had to drink?”

  “Enough.” He took another drink, still staring at the screen blankly.

  “I’m sorry.”

  He gave a cold sort of half-laugh. “Why the fuck are you apologizing, Shay?”

  That made me mad. “I don’t know. Maybe because you look like you needed some words of sympathy,” I huffed.

  He looked away from the camera, taking yet another drink. “It’s been a bad week.”

  No shit, I thought. I said nothing.

  He took another drink before finally looking up again. “Guess who I saw today?”

  I was losing patience with all of this. “Who, Thad?”