In the Stillness

by Andrea Randall

  On my way out the door, my phone rings.

  “Hey Tosh, what’s up?”

  “Are you free tonight?”

  “I should be,” I reply as I situate the boys in the car. “I’m taking the boys to Ryker’s farm right now, then dro—”

  “You’re what?” she cuts in.

  “Tosh,” I sigh, “I told you all of this already.”

  “Oh, that’s right, right after you told me that you spent Christmas night alone, your soldier friend died, and Ryker flew home to come to the funeral.” Her tone is less than amused. Tosha was thoroughly displeased that I didn’t call her with any of that while she was in Hawaii.

  “Tosh . . .”

  “I know, I know,” she relents, “you were trying to handle everything yourself. Just . . . don’t do that all the time, okay?”

  I start the car and head for Ryker’s. “All right. Fine. What do you want me for tonight, anyway?”

  “Dinner?”

  “Sure, I’ll come over after I drop the boys off.”

  “K, bye.”

  Before tossing the phone to the passenger seat, I decide to call Ryker to let him know we’re on the way.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, Ryker, it’s Nat. We’re on our way.”

  “You sound nervous.” I can hear a slight grin through his voice.

  “A little,” I sigh. “Remember, just talk slowly so—”

  “I will, Nat. No worries.”

  Ryker and I exchanged several texts through the week about my nerves surrounding bringing the boys to a new place. He’d told me he was excited to talk to them about seeds, and plants, and things like that, and I had to remind him to talk slow enough so I could have time to sign for Ollie. I also asked him for a list of things he thought he might talk about with them, so I could have half a prayer at translating appropriately for Ollie.

  “All right. See you in a few.”

  This will be the first time Ryker meets my boys. He’s seen pictures, and over the last three weeks has asked me more about their personalities in preparation for this day, but now that it’s finally here, I’m nervous. This is “Mom Natalie” and “Farmer Ryker” in their grown-up lives.

  I swallow hard as his farm comes into view. The snow is several inches thick, but the massive barn has a large patch cleared in front of it for us to park.

  “Yay, the farm!” Ollie cheers, throwing his hands into the air.

  “Look at the tractor!” Max adds.

  Putting the car in park, I unbuckle and turn around to address them.

  “Boys,” I say and sign, “this is Mommy’s friend Ryker’s farm. He wants to show you how plants grow into vegetables that we eat. Make sure you don’t touch anything unless he tells you it’s okay. Got it?”

  They nod in such a way that proves they intend to touch absolutely everything.

  “Hey Natalie!” Ryker bounds from behind the barn doors and jogs toward the car as I let the boys out. He’s wearing dark Carhartt pants and a heavy winter coat.

  “Hi.” I wave and turn to face the boys. “Boys, this is Mommy’s friend Ryker, can you say hi?”

  “Hi,” they say in unison.

  I look back at Ryker. “So, out of habit, I’ll just sign any time I’m talking with you.” He nods with a grin as I point to Max and sign, “This is Max, and—”

  I’m cut short when Ryker crouches down in front of Ollie. He takes off his gloves, seems take a nervous breath, and he . . . he starts signing. “You must be Oliver, nice to meet you.” Ryker extends his hand to Ollie first, then to Max. They each shake his hand before turning back toward me.

  “Ryker, I didn’t know you knew sign language.” I shake my head in confusion.

  “Well,” he starts again, his hands slightly shaking as he talks and signs, “I couldn’t be the only one who didn’t know what was going on, could I?” He looks to the boys, who laugh as my eyes fill with tears. “I don’t know all the signs though, guys, so you and your mom might have to help me a little, okay?”

  “When did you learn sign language?” I ask as we walk inside the barn.

  As we let the boys explore the nooks and crannies of the barn, Ryker shrugs and digs his hands into his pockets. “Last summer, when I asked if you wanted to bring the boys to the farm, I figured I should learn at least a few things. It’s gotta be tough for him. Anyway, I started looking things up online.” His eyes meet mine and the frigid weather suddenly doesn’t matter.

  “Ryker . . .” I want to hug him, to grab his hand, to tell him that what he’s done is beyond kind. But, I don’t really want to get into confusing the boys right at the moment, so I settle for a quiet, “Thank you.”

  The rest of the afternoon leaves me feeling like an observer. Ryker seems to have prepared what he was going to say for who knows how long, because his signs are near-perfect. A few mess-ups leave the boys giggling and asking me for help. I help where I can, and we rely on Ollie’s lip reading skills for the rest. Ollie seems thrilled not to have to stare at me or Max for the whole day, as he’s able to interact with someone new.

  After the tour is done, and the boys have their seed cups to take home—with strict care instructions—they get in the car after saying thank you to Ryker.

  “Thank you, Ryker.” I say once the boys are buckled in. “Not just for the tour for them, but . . . for Ollie.” I shrug as I feel teary-eyed.

  “Hey, no problem, Nat.” He smiles and places a hand on my shoulder. “Let’s do it again soon, okay? They’re a blast.”

  I nod. “Okay. I’ll call you.”

  For the entire drive to Eric’s place, Max and Ollie engage in loud conversation about whose squash will grow bigger and how they want to live at a farm when they grow up. My focus keeps drifting back to the look on Ollie’s face when Ryker met him eye-level and started speaking his language. It was like he was staring at a super hero, and I find myself hoping that one day they learn that he really kind of is.

  The drop-off at Eric’s is a bit quieter than usual. The divorce was finalized two weeks ago, and it seems Eric’s just starting to process the whole thing. The boys carry in their seed cups and start talking about the farm. Eric knew I was taking them there; I was open about my plans.

  “They look like they had a good time,” Eric says coolly as he watches the boys.

  “They did.”

  Eric looks at me for a few seconds before looking down and walking toward the boys in the kitchen.

  “See you guys later.” I force a smile and get my ass out of there before things reach a new level of awkward.

  Getting in the car, I call Tosha.

  “Hey you,” she chirps.

  “Hey. Listen, I can’t make it to dinner. Something’s come up.” Reaching the end of Eric’s street, I turn on my right turn signal, retracing my track from twenty minutes ago.

  “Something bad or something good?” she asks, sounding slightly concerned.

  “We’ll see. I’ll call you tonight.”

  Hanging up, I focus my sights on getting back to Manning Farms.

  Pulling into the driveway, I see the barn is closed up, but the porch and living room lights are on. I get out of the car, and quickly make my way to the front door, knocking before nerves get the best of me.

  Ryker opens the door, wearing the same Carhartts and a button down plaid shirt, sleeves rolled up to the elbows. “Natalie?”

  Before I can say anything, my arms are around his neck and I’m hugging him as tightly as I’ve wanted to all day . . . for the last several months. Letting the cold air swirl into his house, Ryker hugs me back for what feels like a full minute.

  “What you did for Ollie today,” I say, pulling away so we can step inside, “he’ll never forget that, you know.” I find myself wiping away tears I didn’t realize were falling. “You made him feel special, Ryker . . .”

  Ryker smiles as he leans back on the arm of his couch, still holding my hand. “He is special, Natalie . . . he’s yours.” That grin of his
takes control of me in an instant.

  “I don’t want you to disappear again,” I blurt out. “You hear me? I don’t care if it’s for a month, or a decade, you’re not doing it again.” I playfully push his shoulder.

  “Okay,” he holds up his hands in defense as he laughs, “I promise.”

  “Well, um . . . I should get going. I just wanted to thank you face-to-face for being so great with him today.” After a quick hug, I turn and head for the door. Halfway down the stairs, I hear Ryker stop the screen door behind me.

  “Natalie,”

  Turning slowly on the stairs, I catch Ryker in the middle of a deep breath. I wait.

  “Do you still love me?” Ryker’s voice is shaking as he stands in the doorway.

  “What?” I ask, almost to myself, walking slowly back up the stairs.

  “You said in Dr. Greene’s office that you love me.” Ignoring the cold, Ryker meets me on the porch. “Did you mean past tense or present?”

  In a split second it’s me and Ryker, standing on the common a hundred years ago. His eyes are pleading for the answer that’s been swirling in my heart for the last several months . . . for the last ten years.

  “Natalie . . .” his hands run up the length of my arms and over my shoulders before they cup my face. Instinctively, I close my eyes and take a breath.

  “Present,” I whisper. Opening my eyes I see Ryker, my Ryker, with a tear rolling slowly down his cheek. “Do you love me?”

  His hands are shaking, but I’m not sure if it’s from the cold or what he’s about to say.

  “From the moment I saw you on the common, I knew I had to kiss you. And, the second I kissed you, I knew I could never let you go.” More tears streak his face as he rubs his thumbs over my cheeks. “When I lost you, Natalie . . .” He shakes his head and looks up.

  Reaching my hands up, I lay them over his as they rest on my face. “It’s okay, Ry—”

  “Let me finish,” he says with a heavy breath. “I lost you, and it was horrible, Natalie. You’re the only girl I’ve ever loved, and I felt like I’d wasted my chance. When I saw you again at Atkins, holy shit,” he chuckles.”

  “Yeah, no shit,” I laugh in return.

  Ryker moves his hands from my face back down to my shoulders. “You’ve been through a lot, Natalie, and I’ve wanted to give you your space . . . but . . .” He clenches his jaw and looks away.

  “But what, Ryker?” I reach up and touch his cheek, directing his eyes back to me.

  “I don’t want you to disappear again, either.”

  “You didn’t answer my question,” I say quietly, with a smile. “Do you love me?”

  Something breaks in his eyes as he swallows hard. “I never stopped, Nat. Not for a day.”

  As fresh tears spill down both our cheeks, I curl my hand around the back of his neck and pull him into a kiss. A kiss I’ve thought about for ten years, a kiss that changed my life twelve years ago, and a kiss that’s changing it again. Ryker’s arms wrap around my waist, and he lifts me off the ground, carrying me into the warmth of his living room as we cry through a moment too heavy for words.

  Chapter 49

  “Dinner was delicious, thank you.” I smile as Ryker clears my plate from in front of me.

  “You’re welcome,” he whispers as he kisses my cheek.

  The last few months have gone much smoother than my anxiety tried to tell me they would. Ryker and I started by meeting for lunch or dinner on the weeks I didn’t have the boys, and he’d come see me at work for lunch a few times on the weeks I did. Tosha gave me a teary-eyed grin when I told her that Ryker and I were going to start seeing each other again.

  “I’m happy for you, Nat,” she said.

  “Thanks, Tosh. I’m scared a little, though.”

  “It’s okay,” she said with a wink, “love is supposed to feel that way.”

  We’ve kept up weekly visits with Marion, who hasn’t had much to say about us other than, told you so. She doesn’t ever say that, but each crook of her eyebrow and shake of her head tells us just the same.

  Dr. Greene has met with us together a few times as we try to navigate through our apprehension about starting our relationship. It’s only fear, she says, and that’s scarier than what may or may not be behind it. She’s encouraged us to look at it as starting our relationship, rather than re-starting, to try to leave the past at the door rather than right between us. We’ve been taking it slow, though, and tonight is the first night I’m staying at his house.

  “You look nervous.” I say, walking toward Ryker as he dries the last plate and sets it on the shelf.

  He sighs and leans against the counter. “I still get nightmares, Nat. Not all the time, but, I still get them.”

  “It’s okay,” I wrap my arms around his waist, “I do too, sometimes.”

  “You do?”

  I nod. “Mmhmm.”

  “What are they about?”

  “Oh,” I sigh, taking his hand and leading him to the living room where we sit on the couch, “lots of things. Until a few months ago I’d have dreams about you, and the last couple of months before . . . you know.” He nods, understanding that I’m talking about the few months after he got home from Afghanistan. “Sometimes I dream about that, about Lucas, or about cutting.”

  “You dream about cutting?” He leans away, seeming to study my face.

  “Not dream—it’s a complete nightmare. The dream starts with me on the bathroom floor, bleeding from my arms and legs and I can’t get out of the bathroom—the door’s locked.” A chill runs up my spine and I shiver a little.

  “Have you wanted to cut recently?” Ryker brings my hand to his lips and softly kisses my knuckles.

  After a couple weeks of him being overly attentive in that department, we had to have a tough discussion, setting some ground rules for checking in with each other. I appreciate his concern, but I need to feel supported rather than watched over. He’s starting to get that.

  “No, thankfully. I want to stay healthy for me, for the boys, and for us. But . . . I can’t promise that it will always feel this easy not to. I went ten years without doing it before, and in a second I was back there.”

  “I get it.” His eyes look off to a place where I understand that he really does get it.

  “I want you to talk to me, Ryker. I don’t want you holding things back because you are worried about how I’ll handle something. If you’re having a tough day, tell me. If you want to talk about what happened with us all those years ago, let’s do it. And, if you ever, ever want to talk about Lucas . . . I’ll be here.” Ryker doesn’t talk much about Lucas, and I’m not sure if he ever will, but I need to remind him that I’ll listen if he ever decides to.

  Ryker’s nervous blue eyes look into mine. “I know you are, Nat. It just feels so unreal sometimes . . . still. I’ll try to be more open about it with you, okay? It’s the least you deserve from me after all you’ve given me.”

  “Hey,” I start nervously, “there’s something I need to talk about with you.” I sit back, tucking my knees into my chest. I’ve been preparing this talk all week.

  Ryker sets his arm on the back of the couch. “What’s up?”

  “I know this is going to sound super crazy and way ahead of ourselves, but . . . I just feel like I need to be honest with you and tell you that I’m not sure if I want to have any more children.” I exhale as I watch Ryker take in my words.

  He shakes his head, just slightly. “Natalie . . . it’s—”

  “No,” I cut him off. “I really want you to think about it. I mean, I know I’m only thirty-two in people years . . . but in biological clock years, that’s thirty-two. You don’t have kids, and, if you think you’re going to want them . . . then we need to reevaluate some things.” I choke a bit over the last words, realizing with bitterness that this not-so-little detail could screw things up for Ryker and me.

  It’s not super romantic to have this conversation on what has been silently planned as our “
second first time” together, but, it’s more romantic than an oh, shit conversation, I suppose.

  “Natalie,” Ryker grabs my hand away from my knee and laces his fingers between mine, “I want you, I love you. And, if the last ten years has taught us anything, hasn’t it taught us that when you love someone, you love them head-to-toe and inside out because . . . well, because you can’t help it? I love you for a reason, Natalie. You’re mine and I’m yours. We took an odd route to prove that to ourselves, but we did, didn’t we?”

  I nod as emotion swells deep within my chest. “We did.”

  “What I’m saying, Nat, is that the only way I would want children anyway is with you, and you have them. And, if it’s okay with Eric, and you, I’d be honored to be in your boys’ lives.” His smile starts at his eyes as he brushes hair away from my neck, pulling me in for a kiss.

  While Eric isn’t going to be throwing us a parade any time soon, he’s been fairly supportive of my relationship with Ryker. By fairly supportive, I mean he doesn’t fight me on it and isn’t an ass when I take the boys to the farm to play. And, really, that’s all I need from him at this point. I know Eric and Ryker will have to meet and talk sometime in the near future, and I half-cynically wonder if that meeting should take place in Dr. Greene’s office.

  After a few seconds, I pull away and run my thumb across Ryker’s bottom lip. “I love you, Ryker, you know that?”

  “I do,” he whispers as he lifts me off the couch. “And I love you, too, Natalie. I always have.”

  With his lips barely leaving mine, Ryker carries me to his bedroom, where I spot our picture on his bedside stand.

  “They were a great couple.” I look to the picture as he sets me down.

  “Mmm, they were.” Ryker pushes my hair away from my neck with his nose as he kisses me softly down to my collarbone.

  “Good looking, too,” I chuckle.