Come Closer

by Brenda Rothert

I turn to her, my vision blurred by tears.

  “Do you want to go to your room?”

  When I don’t respond, she takes me by the elbow and leads me away. Dr. Heaton comes out of her office and exchanges a few words with the CNA, but I can’t hear them. I can’t process anything right now.

  I want Daniel. I want his arms around me, and I don’t care who sees.

  But . . . wait. Does he know I’m delusional? He must—he’s a doctor, after all. Suddenly, I’m filled with shame. For all I know, I made up his attraction to me.

  Helplessness surrounds me. There’s a big part of me that wants Daniel no matter what. Even if he is just my doctor, he’s also my comfort. He’s the one person I trust completely.

  I look around for him as the CNA leads me back to my room. My heart sinks when I remember he’s off this week because his son is here. If I ask for a doctor, I’ll get Dr. Tillman. That’s not happening.

  We pass Morgan, and she smiles brightly at me. “Hey, do you want to—” She stops talking when she meets my eyes. “What’s wrong?”

  “I think she just needs a rest,” the CNA says, patting my arm. “Give her a couple hours to herself.”

  Morgan nods and I’m led into my room, where I lie down on the bed, too numb to care that my shoes are still on. The CNA covers me up with a blanket and pulls the blinds closed.

  I can’t sleep. I just stare at the wall and take inventory, trying to figure out what’s real and what’s not. I suppose the first step is to consider what’s real to me. And then, like Leonard, I may need to be told some hard truths.

  WATCHING CALEB WALK AWAY WITH his mom at the airport leaves me feeling empty. Our week together was great, but it passed too quickly.

  He turns around when he’s about ten feet away and runs back to give me one last hug. It’s all I can do not to break down as he squeezes me with his little arms.

  “Love you, Dad,” he says, giving me a gap-toothed grin.

  “Love you, too. I’ll see you in September.”

  He nods and walks back to Julie, who meets my eyes with a grateful smile. I wave and watch them walk away until Caleb is out of sight, and then head back to the airline desk to check in for my flight back to Montana.

  The airline would have let him fly alone, but I wasn’t comfortable with that, and neither was Julie, so I flew to LA to get him and then flew back with him after our time together. Having him visit me at Hawthorne meant more than I can put into words. He got to see what I do and where I live and explore the woods I’ve come to love.

  In September, I’m flying to LA to spend three days with him at a hotel. And even though that feels like a long way off, and even though I know I’ll miss him like crazy when I get home and see the box of Lucky Charms on my kitchen table, I feel good.

  This is a start. Julie trusts that I’m staying sober and is giving me another chance with Caleb, which is more than I deserve. He has a stepdad now, and she could easily just write me off and I’d have no grounds to complain.

  I’m already planning a long camping trip when Caleb comes back next summer. He loved the two nights we spent tent camping. I was relieved because I’d wondered if my big-city son would still appreciate the outdoors like I do.

  On the flight back to Helena, my thoughts are a mix of my son and Hawthorne. Tillman held down the fort while I was gone, but there’s a lot of paperwork to catch up on.

  And then there’s Allison. The past couple nights when I’ve caught glimpses of her at dinner, she’s had dark circles under her eyes and looked almost vacant. Something’s not right with her, and I’m anxious to find her as soon as I get back and find out what’s going on.

  I had to fight my instinct to go to her as soon as I noticed something was off. I’d promised myself that the week Caleb was here, he’d have my full attention and Tillman would be responsible for patient care.

  Allison’s more than just a patient to me, though. I can’t stand to see her upset. All I can do is think about what might have happened on the long flight and then the long drive back to Hawthorne.

  Did seeing me with Caleb bother her somehow? I doubt it. She already knew about him.

  Could she have gotten bad news about a family member? From her patient file, I know she doesn’t have anyone left but an aunt in New York. Damn, I hope nothing happened to her only relative.

  That’s a possibility, but my money’s on Heaton. I’ve only seen Allison upset one other time, and it was because of Heaton. I told the Hawthorne administration I’m concerned about how Heaton is treating patients, but nothing’s come of it yet.

  By the time I get back to Hawthorne, it’s late. I’m restless, so I go to my office to catch up on paperwork. When I switch on the lights, I see that the last book I gave Allison, The Road, is sitting on the corner of my desk.

  I grab it and flip open the cover, hoping to see a note from her that will assure me she’s okay.

  There’s nothing. I flip through all the pages and shake the book, hoping a slip of paper will fall out, but the book is empty.

  Fuck, now I’m really worried. She’s never returned a book without leaving me a note.

  I go through all my patient reports from Tillman, wondering if he’s noticed something off with Allison. If he has, he didn’t include it in his reports.

  With a heavy sigh, I run my hand down my face. It’s not like I can go upstairs and wake her up. I’ll have to wait until tomorrow.

  I get out my tablet and go through new emails. Time gets away from me, and it’s after three in the morning by the time I turn off the lamp and lie down on the leather couch in my office. I’ve spent many a night sleeping here, and it doesn’t take me long to drift off.

  The next morning, I’m woken up by a hand on my arm and warm breath on my cheek.

  “Dr. D, hey. Wake up.”

  I open my eyes and flinch when I see Sara, her face just inches from mine.

  “Relax, it’s just me,” she says, smiling and squeezing my bicep. She’s got a fascination with that part of me for some reason.

  “Hey.” I sit up and squint, trying to make out the time on my wall clock.

  “It’s eight,” she says. “Time for rounds. And can I just tell you how adorable Caleb is? He’s handsome like his daddy.”

  “Thanks.” I get up from the couch. “I’ll be out for rounds in five minutes.”

  She leaves my office and I walk into my bathroom. I change into a clean T-shirt and brush my teeth. I keep essentials in this bathroom for nights I sleep in my office. Turning my face to one side and then the other in the mirror, I consider shaving. I’ve got a full coating of dark stubble.

  Nah. I’ll shave tomorrow.

  Taking my white coat from a hook on the wall, I head for the staff lounge, putting it on as I walk.

  I ignore the morning chatter from the staff as I pour myself a cup of coffee. I’m not in the mood for chatter. Not that I ever am, but especially not today.

  Tillman’s off, so I have to round on all the patients myself. He kept things running smoothly in my absence, so it goes as quickly as it can. Billy McGrath’s current personality has a thick Irish brogue, and it takes me a while to understand what he’s saying. It’s nothing important, but I shoot the shit with him for a few minutes anyway.

  By the time I get to Allison’s room, I feel like a caged beast. I need to know what’s going on with her, and I can’t wait another minute.

  When I open the door and walk in, I see her curled up on top of her bed, the sun shining on her dark hair.

  Some of my tension fades. She looks peaceful and relaxed, and I know she needs the rest. I close her door and go back to the staff lounge for more coffee, then into my office.

  By the scents of roast beef and garlic I’m picking up, I know it’s close to lunchtime. My stomach rumbles its approval of the menu as I upload notes from my tablet on to my computer. All in all, things are good here. Leonard is doing better.

  Now if I can just figure out what’s up with Allison.

>   There’s a soft knock on my door and someone slowly opens it. When I see Allison’s face, my shoulders sink with relief. I get up from my desk chair and walk around to meet her.

  She’s still standing in the doorway when I get there, a tentative look in her eyes. There are still dark shadows beneath her eyes, and my concern grows stronger than before.

  “Hey,” I say softly. “Come in.”

  She steps inside, and I close the door behind her. Before I can stop myself, I’m wrapping her in my arms, holding her as close as I’ve been wanting to for the past few weeks.

  She relaxes against me, her cheek on my chest.

  “I’m worried about you,” I murmur against her hair. “Are you okay?”

  She nods, her arms encircling my back. I pull back from her and cup her face in my hands, studying her expression.

  By the tears in her eyes, I know she’s anything but okay.

  “What is it?” I ask her.

  She tips her face up toward me and looks at me through her long, dark lashes. I forget everything else, leaning down to kiss her. She makes a soft moaning sound that sets me off, and I reach down and cup her ass, picking her up.

  She’s giving me the same passion in return, her tongue sliding against mine as she wraps her legs around me. I walk her over to my desk and set her on it, my pent-up desire for her almost too much to hold back.

  I want to rip her clothes off and bury myself inside her. Whatever’s upsetting her, I want to take it away. I’ve only had a small taste of her, and it’s not enough. I want to taste every inch of her, hear her say my name, feel her contract around me as she comes.

  “I’ve missed you,” I say against her mouth, my hands locked around her tiny waist.

  I lean my forehead against hers, and we breathe in unison for a few seconds, both of us drawing each other in as much as the air around us.

  Allison breaks away from me and reaches for a piece of paper on my desk. She picks up a pen and writes out a message.

  I think I might be delusional. Like Leonard.

  Her brow is furrowed with worry. I stroke a hand over her hair.

  “Why do you think that?”

  She writes on the paper again.

  Don’t lie to me. Tell me if you think I might be losing my mind. Please.

  Her eyes are wide and frantic. I kiss her gently. It pains me that she’s been dealing with this worry all alone.

  “I don’t think you’re losing your mind, Allison. I truly don’t. Tell me what’s got you so worried about this.”

  She closes her eyes and looks down. I put my thumb under her chin and lift it until her eyes meet mine.

  “Tell me. You know it’s safe with me, whatever it is.”

  Turning back to the paper on the desk, she writes some more.

  Dr. Heaton knows something, and I don’t know how she knows it. Something I didn’t tell her. How could she know?

  “Something about that night?”

  She nods, her expression mournful.

  “I know she’s talked to the detectives investigating the case. Could it be something they told her?”

  She considers this for a second, then shakes her head. She shrugs after that, and I can tell she’s unsure. Not to mention frustrated as hell and probably exhausted.

  “Listen. I’ll talk to her about it. And if I don’t get the answers, I’ll call the Chicago PD myself and ask. We’ll figure this out, okay? Don’t—”

  There’s a knock on my office door, and Allison jumps.

  “Dr. Delgado, it’s lunchtime,” Sara says through the door. “I’ll save you a seat.”

  “That’s okay, I’ll grab something in a bit.”

  I step away from my desk, and Allison slides down from the edge. Sara could open the door, and it wouldn’t be good for her to see us like this.

  She walks away, though, and I give Allison a reassuring look. “Hey. You’re okay. We’ll figure this out. And you can stop going to the sessions with Heaton if they’re bothering you.”

  With a slight smile, she takes my big hand in her two small ones and brings it to her lips, kissing the back of it. The brush of her soft lips across my skin sends a hot flare of need for her down my spine.

  “Someday,” I say in a low tone. “In another time and place, Allison. I promise you, someday we’ll have more than this.”

  She puts my palm on her cheek, and I brush my thumb over her cheekbone. Whatever it takes, I’ll keep that promise, which I wasn’t only making to her, but also to myself.

  THAT DAY, I FIND SOME peace again, Daniel’s words still replaying in my mind. He doesn’t think I’m crazy. He said we’ll figure this out. Not him, or me, but we—me and him. Just telling him what I’m feeling and not being alone anymore is a weight off my shoulders.

  “Hey.” Morgan walks into my room and does a full spin. “Do these pajamas say casual chic? I want to look good without looking like I’m trying to look good.”

  I look over her light gray top and black shorts and give her a thumbs-up. She grins and leaves the room as fast as she came in.

  Since Milo got here, I don’t see much of Morgan anymore. They spend most of their free time together. I miss her more than I thought I would. There’s something about Morgan and her nonstop one-sided conversations about this place that makes me feel normal. It’s too quiet without her keeping me company.

  I open my book, Little Women, and can’t even finish a whole chapter before my eyes are closing on their own. It’s been several days since I’ve had a good night of sleep. Now that I’m feeling better, I hope to catch up tonight.

  The dream finds me, though.

  “Who killed Ava? They know you know, Allison. Just tell me. Tell me, and I’ll let you rest.”

  I murmur something, answering the man before my mind can process what he’s saying. Then I squeeze my mouth shut. I can’t tell him anything. I can’t tell anyone.

  “It’s okay. You can tell me.”

  I fight back against the heavy, foggy cloud of the dream. I won’t talk—not even in a dream.

  A stinging sensation makes me lurch, my eyes flying open. The room is dark, but I can make out a figure next to me. I scream, not getting much out before I need to suck in another breath.

  A cloth is pressed over my mouth, and I bring my hands up to fight against suffocation. I want to scream for Daniel, but I can’t make a sound. Within a few seconds, my muscles go slack and I’m drifting back into the darkness.

  I wake up to the dark room, inhaling sharply as I look next to my bed for the figure I saw earlier. Of course, there’s no one there. It was just a dream.

  My stomach is churning and my heart is hammering as I sit up in bed. Was it just a dream? It felt so real. I touch my face, still feeling tender from the cloth that was pressed over my mouth. And the stinging sensation in my arm—I still feel it.

  I pull my legs up to my chest, terror making it hard to even breathe. Something is very wrong. That voice. That deep, unfamiliar voice that’s been asking for answers all these months. What if it was real all along?

  I want Daniel. I want to run to his cabin right now and crawl into his bed. I’m shaking, filled with the same terror I felt that night.

  “They know you know.” That’s what the man said.

  How does he know who they are? It has to mean they know I’m here. It has to mean they sent him.

  And that means my life is in danger. Silent tears slide down my cheeks as I realize that Hawthorne Hill, my safe place, isn’t safe anymore.

  I can’t go back to sleep. I can’t even lie down. I just sit in my bed, my legs pulled up to my chest and my arms wrapped around my legs, waiting. If the man comes back, I won’t be asleep next time. Soon the dim light of day starts filtering into my room.

  There’s no escaping it. Even in the Montana woods, as far removed from downtown Chicago as I could be, there’s no outrunning it. I’ve been crying for hours by the time I hear footsteps in the hallway.

  I slide out of bed and dr
ess in jeans and a T-shirt, my hands shaking. Once I’ve put on my ballet flats, I leave my room, looking both ways down the hallway when I open the door. I can’t be sure of anything now. Whoever that man is, he could find me here at any moment. He could do much worse than that.

  I hurry downstairs to Daniel’s office, sitting in the hallway against the wall until he walks in through a side entrance. He’s freshly shaved, wearing a pale blue polo shirt with a leather messenger bag slung over his shoulder.

  “Hey,” he says when he sees me, lowering his brows with worry.

  I stand up and put my hand on the doorknob. He gets the message, putting a key in the lock and turning it to open the door.

  Once we’re both inside and he’s closed the door behind us, I let the tears come. He wraps his arms around me as I cry harder than I have since that night. My chest is heaving with sobs, and I just can’t make myself stop.

  “You’re okay,” Daniel says, holding me close as I come undone. “I’ve got you.”

  It’s time. I may not be ready, and I may be terrified, but it’s time to push myself forward anyway.

  “Daniel,” I say softly.

  He pulls back, eyes full of wonder as he looks at me.

  “I need your help,” I say, my unused voice barely a whisper.

  “Of course. Anything.”

  He leads me over to his dark brown leather couch, where we both sit down and he wraps his arm around me.

  I take a deep breath and look at him. “I’m in trouble. There are people who want to find me and . . . they probably want to kill me, too.”

  “They can’t find you here.” He rubs my shoulder reassuringly. “You’re safe here.”

  “I’m not, though.” I force down the lump in my throat. “I’ve been having this dream—this horrible dream, pretty much since I got here. That a man is trying to make me tell him what I know about that night. Only last night I woke up, and it wasn’t a dream. Daniel, it wasn’t. I know it.”

  His palm is on my back now, making reassuring strokes up and down. “Okay. Let’s talk this through.”