I made breakfast, and Beck took the girls to school. After I fed Sky, I sat on the floor and started to read to her. She was more and more active by the day, and I was pretty sure she would start walking by next month. She was such a fat, healthy baby with a beautiful smile. I adored her. I loved her.
After a few hours of singing songs, crawling, and playing games, I put her down for a nap. I walked into the kitchen to make lunch when I heard a loud knock at the door.
I rushed to open it, not wanting Sky to wake.
My heart stopped when I saw who was standing at the door.
It was my mother. Her hair seemed to have become grayer, and her eyes had more lines. And she was holding a cup of my favorite treat—chamangos.
What the fuck was she doing here?
I quickly rushed her inside, so that no one would see her.
“What are you doing here? How did you find me?”
She pushed by me. “I’m not stupid, mija. I know things. I can find you. I’m your mother.”
“How did you even get on base? Did you fuck the guard?”
She leveled me with her eyes. “Your uncle got me on. You got that nanny position the full town has been talking about.”
Dammit. My uncle sold me out. I was actually surprised it took her so long to find me. “Doesn’t matter. It’s a job.”
She handed me the chamango cup. When I had been young, she used to take me into town and share chamangos with me. It was the best thing ever—juicy mangos mixed with chamoy, an amazing sauce that was a mixture of pickled fruit and powered chilis. Topped with chili powder, lime, and a tamarindo candy, chamangos had been the happiest part of my childhood.
To hell with my mom—I wasn’t going to let this treat go to waste. I sucked on that straw and drank it down.
As I was indulging in my drink, my mom opened her mouth to ruin my bliss.
“Have you slept with him?”
I wanted to slap her. How dare she ask me that? She had no right. No right!
“None of your business.”
Then for the first time in years, I saw my mom cry. Her voice broke. “Listen, mija, listen. I know you hate me. But I need to tell you something. I was once like you. I wanted to leave this town, too. Until I became pregnant with you. Your father . . .” she paused.
I jerked my head back. My father? She never spoke about my father. Never. Even my abuela didn’t know who he was.
“What, what about my father? Who is he?”
“He . . . he was in the Navy. He was here for ten weeks and then left. He abandoned us, mija. He told me he would take me away, start a new life with us. He knew I was pregnant with you, but he left anyway.”
My hand trembled, and heat burned my eyeballs. Oh my god, was she serious? Was my father a Blue Angel?
“You are lying to me.”
“I’m not lying. He was a Blue Angel! But he was no ángel. He was el diablo.”
I fought nausea down my throat. No. No. No. She had to be lying. There was no way this could be true.
“Prove it. You are a liar. You have always been a liar.”
Her hand reached into her worn leather purse, and she pulled out an old picture. A Blue Angel pilot with piercing green eyes the same shade of mine was posing for a picture with my mom, who looked just like I did now.
But that wasn’t all.
The pilot was holding a little girl around Sky’s age.
And that girl was me.
Holy fuck.
My lips burned, and my vision clouded, and it wasn’t from the chilies on the chamango. I felt instantly weak.
“Why have you never shown me this before? He could’ve been any pilot you took a picture with at the show. Why should I believe you?”
“Look in the mirror! Have you ever wondered why you are so pale when me and your sisters are dark? Why you are the only person in our family without brown eyes? Where do you think your green eyes come from? From him!”
I didn’t need to look in the mirror. I always wondered why instead of getting tan my pale skin burned. I knew my eyes were the same haunting pale green as the man in that picture. These green eyes caused my classmates to call me a gringa. These green eyes caused my uncle to tease me and say I wasn’t a real Mexican. These green eyes were proof that my father wasn’t another brown-eyed local.
“What his name?”
She pursed her lips and closed her eyes and said his name as if it was a prayer. “John Emerson.”
John Emerson.
Paloma Angélica Emerson.
But I still wasn’t sure. “I don’t believe you.”
“Why do you think I named you Paloma? It means dove. A bird who flies in the sky like a plane. Used at weddings as a symbol of love. I thought if I named you Paloma he would return to me. And Angélica was because your father was a Blue Angel.” And with that, she broke into sobs.
And I knew she wasn’t lying to me anymore.
I put my hand on her shoulder, comforting her beside myself.
“Why didn’t you tell me before?”
“Because I didn’t want to hurt you. I tried, mija, I did. I know you don’t believe me, that you hate me, but I tried. It was so hard. No one would hire me. And I had a baby. I was only a teen. I gave up. But you have to know I tried. And I do love you.”
“I don’t hate you, Mama.” And I didn’t. Her confession shook me to my core. Was history repeating itself? Was Beck going to use me and leave me like my father had left my mother? “But it’s different. He loves me. I love him. He wants me to go to Florida with him. He wants to take the girls.”
She stared at my left hand, and I knew what she was looking for.
A ring.
A ring that I didn’t have.
A ring that I would never get.
“Where’s your ring?”
“I don’t have one.”
She shook her head. “Did he ask you to marry him?”
“No. His wife died last year. It’s way too soon. But he loves me.”
She scowled. “No, he doesn’t. He asked his nanny to go to Florida. Not his fiancée. You take care of his daughter, wash his clothes, cook his food, keep his home clean, keep his bed warm, why wouldn’t he want you? But don’t be mistaken, mija. You are only his nanny. You will only ever be his nanny. He will never marry you.”
That’s it. I had enough. “Go, Mama. Go. Don’t ever come back. I’m not you. Beck is not my father. He probably didn’t love you the way Beck loves me.”
“No Paloma, you are wrong. He loved me. He loved me like the air he breathed. Like the stars in the sky. Like the moon loves the sun but they can only meet passing in the night. We could never be together. I didn’t fit into his life, and you don’t fit into your pilot’s life, either. Look at you. You are a Mexican nanny. He’s rich! Educated. He may be having fun right now, but he will never ever marry you. Leave him now, before he breaks your heart—or you do something stupid.”
My muscles quivered as rage consumed me. “What does that mean, Mama? Is that what you did? Did you get pregnant with me to trap my father?”
She looked down at her feet. “Yes, mija, I did. I was so desperate. You don’t know how much I loved him.”
My stomach recoiled. “I can’t believe you did that? You trapped him? Of course, he didn’t want to marry you. No one wants to be backed into a corner.”
“You are no better than me. You don’t know what it’s like. Two years from now, when Beck still won’t marry you, you will do the same thing. Mark my words.”
“I would never.” But somewhere deep in my soul, I connected with her desperation. I couldn’t imagine being out in Florida with Beck, him never wanting to marry me. Would I ever do something like my mom had?
“You are just like me. You will. He had everything. I had nada. I thought once he saw your little face, he would love you too. You were perfect, mija. But he left us. Never sent money or even a card. For years, I prayed he would come back. And one day he did. You were around two, and he
came out for a show. And he saw you. He knows about you. And I could see it in his eyes. He still loved me. But he wasn’t man enough to take us away and keep us in his world. We are nothing like them. You should know your place. The world hasn’t changed. These men, these Blue Devils, they come here to go slumming, and they go back and marry women who look like them, women who are from their world.”
I wanted to push her out of the room. I didn’t want to hear anything she had to say. I didn’t want to listen. Beck was nothing like my father if she was telling me the truth. Beck didn’t care what people thought about him, about me, about us. He had taken me out in public; he had introduced me to his friends. I was even going to meet his mother when she came to town for the airshow.
“Beck is not embarrassed by me. He loves me, too. He’s going to introduce me to his mother. Times have changed, Mama. I’m sorry my father left us. That’s horrible. But Beck loves me.”
“If he loved you, he would marry you, not keep you as the nanny. You are the help. Don’t you see? He’s using you. He will never ever marry you. You are young. You are beautiful. It’s too late for me but don’t throw your life away on this man. Move to San Diego with your sisters. Start a new life. But do it on your own. If he loves you, he will come after you.”
I hated to agree with her, but my head heeded her advice.
I thumbed the picture. “Can I keep this?”
She nodded. “Yes, it’s yours. But don’t get any crazy ideas about running off and finding him. He doesn’t want you. Neither does his family.” She looked toward the door. “I’ll go. But mija, if you were smart, you wouldn’t go to Florida. Take the money and get your sisters far away from here. And one day, when you realize I’m right. Forgive me.”
She hugged me hard, and I didn’t push her off of me.
Then she walked out the door.
Leaving me alone with all my insecurities.
And for the first time in years, I believed that my Mama actually cared about me. That she loved me and wanted the best for me.
But I also believed something else.
She was right about Beck.
24
New York Strip
When I arrived home from work, Paloma had not made my lunch. I didn’t mind at all. She didn’t have to cook for me. But it struck me as odd.
“Why don’t we pick up your sisters and go to lunch?”
She shook her head. “I hope you don’t mind, but today I want to walk alone and pick up my sisters.”
Great. Something was definitely wrong. “Are you okay?”
“Yup. Never better. I just need some fresh air. I’ll be back later.”
I leaned over to kiss her, and she turned her cheek. What the hell? What did I do wrong?
I wasn’t the type of man to let her walk away without a fight. I grabbed her by the wrist. “Babe, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Paloma, don’t. You are upset, and I care. Tell me what happened.”
She reached into her purse and took out an old picture of a Blue Angel pilot holding a baby at an air show. Standing next to a woman who resembled Paloma.
Holy shit. Was that her mother? And was the baby here?
I took a closer look and noticed that the little girl had dark hair and green eyes, just like Paloma, and the Angel’s eyes were the same color.
Dammit.
Her lip trembled. “My mom stopped by today. I don’t know how she found me, but it doesn’t matter. She won’t come back. She gave me this. She says he was my father. And even worse, I actually believe her.”
Her voice was breaking. I pulled her to me and kissed her forehead as she cried.
“She said he was an Angel. And he didn’t want anything to do with my mom. Or with me. Do you know how many times I cried out for a father to save me from this life? How many nights I went to bed hungry? How many times I walked to school with shoes that had no soles?”
“There, baby, there.” What an asshole. I would hunt her father down and deal with him myself. No pilot, especially a Blue Angel bestowed with this privilege should ever abuse his power. And abandoning his own child and leaving her to live a life of poverty is inexcusable.
And then it hit me. She was crying over her father for sure, but she also probably feared I would do the same thing.
But I never would.
I needed to soothe her fears.
“Hey, I have an idea. Your sisters don’t get out of school for another hour. Let me take you to the officers’ club to lunch. You can meet all the other officer's wives.”
I thought my offer would cause her to smile, but instead, she burst into even more tears.
Man, I really didn’t understand women.
“I’m confused, babe. Help me out. You don’t want to go with me? That’s fine if you don’t. We can stay here. I can take you to pick up your sisters, and we can get takeout. Or I can cook. I just want you to be happy.”
“No, I do. It’s just that you are so amazing. You never disappoint me. But you are too good to be true. You have to have a fatal flaw. No one can be as perfect as you. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m so damaged. You can do so much better than me. You can find a rich, educated girl who knows how to act at the officers’ club. Like Laurel. I’ll probably use the wrong fork and embarrass you.”
“You could never embarrass me. And you are better than all these women. You have fought so hard to survive. Just because I was born into privilege doesn’t make me better than you. I always knew that I was going to college. My parents sent me extra money and bought me a car. I still worked my ass off in school and when I graduated to be a pilot. I admire your grit. And I’m not embarrassed by you. I don’t want Laurel. I want you.”
She finally smiled, and I wiped her tears away. “Let’s go. I’ve always wanted to go to the officers’ club. I never thought you’d ask.”
I gathered Sky’s baby bag, and we left to walk to the officers’ club. The weather was sunny and crisp, and I proudly escorted Paloma inside.
Paloma’s eyes widened when she saw the décor, but I cringed in embarrassment.
We were immediately seated at a window table, and the staff attended to us. After our waitress read off the specials, Paloma ordered fresh salmon, and I had a New York strip steak. I ordered a side dish of bananas for Sky.
“Wow, this place is gorgeous. Thank you for taking me here. It means a lot to me that you aren’t trying to hide me.”
I reached across the table and took her hand. “Hide you, not a chance. I want to show you off.”
She blushed. But even so, I could still see the pain in her eyes. I vowed not to add to her misery. Only to her happiness.
My commanding officer walked over to our table. “Lt. Daly. Who is the lovely lady?”
“Sir, this is my girlfriend, Paloma Pérez.
25
Hotdogs
I adored Beck for making me feel wanted and loved. And not some lover to be hidden. We spent the last few weeks in our new routine. Making love all night, waking up together, and hanging out in public as a big happy family when he was off work.
But no matter how much we played house, I was painfully reminded that he wasn’t my husband. Sky wasn’t my daughter. I was still the nanny. And we had avoided any more deep talks about our future.
But we were running out of time. He would be leaving to return to Pensacola this week.
Today was the first airshow to mark the start of the season. Though I had seen the airshow every year of my life, this time it would mean so much more. My man was the pilot. And this was my final farewell to El Centro.
Beck led me, my sisters and Sky to the executive chalet. My nerves rattled. But I wasn’t worried about the safety of his flying.
Today—I would meet his parents.
Beck glanced around the chalet. “My parents aren’t here yet, but they will find you. They’ve seen a picture of you and of course, will recognize Sky. I have to go get ready.”
“Okay, babe. I can’t wait to see you.”
He kissed me in front of all the friends and families in the chalet. See my mom had been wrong. Beck loved me and accepted me. I wished she could see me now.
I would not end up like her.
The excited crowds filled outside the chalet. I had seen the Angels perform many times, but they had always represented this other type of life that I wasn’t a part of. And now, I could truly appreciate how amazing they were. How amazing Beck was.
The show started, and I enjoyed the other events first—the U.S. Navy Leap Frogs jumped out of their helicopters, wowing the audience.
There were many other planes doing tricks and maneuvers, but I was anxious to finally see Beck fly.
I scanned the chalet but didn’t see anyone who looked like his mom. Where was she? She had to be here? She wouldn’t miss his first show.
The narrator took to the stage. The sounds of Mötley Crüe’s “Kickstart My Heart” filled the air.
But my own heart stopped.
Another piece of the puzzle that proved my mom wasn’t lying about my dad. She always used to play that song to me. I felt sick to my stomach, and it wasn’t from the hotdogs I just ate.
What if my father was in this audience? I scanned the crowd but quickly was distracted.
Beck and his fellow pilots walked down the runaway in their matching flight suits. Man, they were so fucking hot. They saluted as they turned and went toward their planes. I couldn’t believe I was his girlfriend.
Then they took off—one by one. I pressed Sky’s earphones tightly on her head. “That’s your daddy.”
“Mama?”
Oh my god. Did she just call me Mama? I wanted to be thrilled, but instead, I was crushed. I wanted to be her mama. But I wasn’t.
I was only the nanny.
I hugged her tighter than I ever hugged her and then I noticed that a woman was watching me with Sky. Was she Beck’s mom? I’d seen pictures of her but couldn’t be certain because she was standing at a distance.
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