Sway
Page 32
I turned my attention back to the sky. “Ladies and Gentlemen. Please welcome our own Blue Angels.”
Mónica clapped loudly in my ear. The planes were now in the sky, and my heart raced. They were flying close! Wing to wing. I suddenly realized how dangerous this was. One wrong turn and he could crash.
But he didn’t crash. He soared into the sky. Upside down, inverted loops, side by side—Beck did it all. It was so amazing. The music contributed to the adrenaline pulsing through my veins.
Pass after pass, loop after loop, pride filled my soul. I had always known what Beck did every day while I was watching Sky but until now—I had no idea how much precision and focus it took.
And this amazing man loved me.
He had asked me to move in with him.
And I knew that I couldn’t be without him.
I made my decision. I was going to say yes.
I marveled at this house. At my life. Just ten weeks ago I was jobless, hopeless, hungry, and alone.
And now, I was in love with a brilliant, educated, handsome pilot. He loved me too and wanted me to be in his life. He was moving my sisters and me out to be with him.
Dreams do come true.
They made their final pass, and I cheered louder than anyone.
Then a woman tapped me on the shoulder.
“You must be Paloma. And there is my beautiful granddaughter.”
She pinched her on the cheek, and I did my best to smile. Her face was incredibly tight as if the skin had been pulled and she wore way too much makeup. Her top lip was obviously enhanced, and her blonde hair didn’t have a hint of gray. She wore a huge diamond ring on her left hand—a ring that probably cost more than I would make in my lifetime.
I swallowed my nerves. “Hi, Mrs. Daly. So nice to meet you. I have heard so much about you.”
She gave me a condescending smile, and I felt immediately judged. “I’m sure he did. You know Beck. Always poking his nose where he shouldn’t have. Even when he was a young boy, he would try to save all the homeless cats. I used to have to tell him, now Beckett, you can’t save them all.”
I bit my lip. Was she comparing me to a cat?
I didn’t know what to say, so I remained silent.
“Paloma dear, may I have a word?”
“Sure Mrs. Daly.”
We walked over to the corner of the chalet, and I felt everyone was comparing us. From her designer clothes to her expensive jewelry, there was no doubt that she was high class.
Standing next to her, I was sure people assumed I was her maid.
“Now, darling, you are truly lovely. And I thank you for taking such good care of Sky. And my son.”
“You are welcome. I love them both. You raised a great man.”
“I did, dear. I did. We gave him everything in life. Because we truly believe he can achieve everything. Did you know he wants to be an astronaut?”
“Yes, he mentioned that. I think it’s wonderful. I’d support him in any way I could.”
Mrs. Daly exhaled. “I'm sure you would, sweetie. I’m sure you would. But these programs are very competitive and very political.”
I wasn’t sure where she was going with this, but I was one hundred percent sure I wasn’t going to like it.
I tried to remain calm. “Well, Beck is so accomplished I’m sure they would love him.”
“They would. Did you know they interview the family and friends of each candidate? How would it look to them if they know that Beck had slept with his nanny? That kind of scandal could ruin his chances. You wouldn’t want to ruin his career now, would you Paloma?”
Nausea overcame me. I did not want to do this. I didn’t want to be rude to his mom. “No, I wouldn’t want to ruin his career. I would support him in anything. I may be a poor Mexican girl from a border town, but I’m an American. And I’m a great woman. I love your son. And I love your granddaughter. I would never embarrass him. And frankly, he would be lucky to have me. I treat you son like a king and Sky adores me. I love her like she is my own.” Take that, bitch. A wave a satisfaction rippled through me. I had stood my ground. I knew my worth.
I hoped Beck would be proud of me.
“Well, aren’t you self-important? Beck may have fun with you now, but he will never marry you. I promise you that.” And she stood up and walked away from me, never even kissing Sky goodbye.
I would not let this change my feelings for Beck. Those were his mother’s beliefs, not his. Beck was an adult. He didn’t need her approval.
Even so, the doubt lingered. I saw the way his buddy Charlie looked at me. The way some of the other officer’s wives stared at me around base.
Did I want to be blamed for every bad thing that happened in his career for the rest of my life?
Did I want people to judge me—think I was using him?
Would one day these comments get to Beck and would he leave me for someone more like Catherine?
And though I hadn’t wanted to pressure marriage, now I was curious if Beck had any intention of ever marrying me.
Both my mom and his claimed he never would.
I had to hear it from him.
I didn’t want to live my life constantly having to prove myself to these pretentious people who cared more about Beck’s image than his happiness.
I wanted to be accepted to be loved to be appreciated.
I had to know the truth before I moved with him.
What were his intentions toward me?
Would he ever marry me?
Or would I always just be the nanny.
26
Chicken Mole
Man, that show had been amazing. Our formation wasn’t as tight as I wanted it to be, but we had still killed it. I couldn’t wait to fly for the next nine months.
Once I disembarked from the plane, I walked over to the chalet to see Paloma and Sky, but she was nowhere to be found.
What the fuck? She left?
My mother on the hand was waving me down.
“Beck, darling, that was incredible.”
“Thanks, Mom. Where’s Dad? Did you meet Paloma? She was here with her sisters and Sky.”
“Dad is back at the Navy Lodge. I’m afraid he’s come down with a bug. I did meet your ‘nanny.’ Feisty isn’t she?”
Great. I wasn’t going to fight with her in my uniform. I lowered my voice. “She’s not my nanny—she’s my girlfriend. What did you say to her?”
She shook her head, but I couldn’t read her face because she used way too much Botox. “Really, Beckett. Sleeping with your nanny. What a disgrace. Poor Catherine would be rolling in her grave. I understand the need to have a lover, but the poor girl thinks you will marry her. End this at once before you ruin your career.”
I cringed when my mom said “lover.” “Listen to me, mom. I love her and Sky loves her, too. She’s a part of my life, and if you want to be part of my life and Sky’s, I suggest you get over yourself.”
I walked away from her and went back to greeting the rest of the fans. That was my job. I wanted to run after Paloma, but I had an obligation to fulfill. I glanced back, and my mom had left the chalet. Good riddance.
She would come to her senses. And if not, she could learn to live without Sky and me.
Two hours later, I returned home.
I handed her a dozen red roses. “I’m sorry about my mom. I took care of it.”
“It’s fine. I understand. My mom is a piece of work too. Let’s enjoy our last night together.”
My heart skipped. “What do you mean by that? You are coming with me, aren’t you?”
She placed her hand on my chest. “We will talk after dinner.”
“No, I want to talk now. Are you leaving me?”
Her lips trembled. “Please, Beck. Can’t we just enjoy dinner?”
Fine, whatever. I sat down at the table. Paloma had made another incredible meal, chicken mole. We made small talk with the girls who were still talking about how much fun we had at the dance a few nigh
ts ago. We’d taken pictures, danced together, and then I took them out for ice cream. Was Paloma really leaving me? She couldn’t. I loved her and her sisters. And what about Sky?
After we put the girls to bed, I cornered her in the kitchen.
“Dammit, Paloma. Don’t shut me out. What did my mom say to you?”
“It doesn’t matter what she said to me. I’m not moving with you to Florida.”
Her words knocked the wind out of me.
And for the second time in my life, I knew I had just lost the woman I loved.
27
Caviar
Beck’s fist clenched. I couldn’t believe what I had just said. But my decision was final.
I was moving to San Diego. With my sisters.
Tomorrow.
“Why Paloma? Why are you doing this to me? I love you, dammit. Isn’t that enough?”
I shook my head. “No, it’s not enough.”
“What do you want from me? I’m crazy about you. Sky loves you. I love your sisters. Of course, it’s a good idea.”
“But you will be flying around the country. I will never ever see you.”
“I come home most weeks for a few days.”
“But what about the rest of the time? I won’t know anyone on base. And people will talk there like they talk here.” People like his mother. I had tried to be strong and proud, but her words had stung me deeply.
“I don’t care what people think. Not Charlie, not my mom. I just want to be with you. Don’t you get that?”
I believed that he thought that now. But I also thought that his feelings could change.
“Your mom hates me. I don’t sip champagne and eat caviar. I don’t want to ruin your life.”
“You would never ruin my life. You are my life.”
He kissed me, and I melted. He was great. I had no complaints at all about him or our relationship. But deep down no matter how hard I had tried to convince myself otherwise, I had always known that we were on a timeline.
And now our time was up.
I had made my decision.
And even if it was the wrong one, I was sticking to it.
Sure, I could go to Florida, and it could work out. We could maybe even get married one day, and I would be Sky’s mommy.
But I would be alone on the base.
I would be ostracized.
And then—he could leave me.
And I would have nothing.
I couldn’t take that risk when my sisters were involved.
My heart constricted in my chest. I couldn’t believe I was the one who was ending this. Especially when my feelings for Beck hadn’t changed.
When he had walked into the door earlier tonight, he had a hopeful look on his face. And roses. A dozen red roses. How was I going to be able to tell him?
I pulled back from him.
“Is this about your dad? I’m not him. I’m not going to leave you. I asked you to move to me with Pensacola. He has nothing to do with us.”
And that was when I broke. “How can you say that? He has everything to do with us. Everything. Don’t you see that? History is repeating itself. It’s like I’m cursed.”
He clutched me by the arms. “No, you are wrong. I’m not going to leave you. I’m in love with you.”
I paused. I rationally knew it was too soon to talk about marriage. But I also knew that I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life as Beck’s nanny. And no matter how hard I tried to fight it, I feared that I would end up like my mom.
“I can’t move across the country with you unless we were engaged. I know it’s too soon for that, but I can’t move with you on a maybe. Not when I have to think about my sisters.”
His face turned pale. “I’m in love with you. We have only been together for a month. I’m not even thinking about marriage right now.”
A lump grew in my throat. “Well, I may be crazy, but I would marry you. Today. Now.” Yup. I was definitely crazy. But I craved stability, because I had never had any. Couldn’t he understand that?
He shook his head. “Why do we have to rush everything? We live together. You are moving in with me.”
“I don't want to be you nanny forever. One day, I want to be your wife.”
His neck tensed. “My wife? We have only known each other for ten weeks, and we have only been dating for a month. I’m not saying I will never marry you. But it’s too soon right now. Catherine and I dated for six years before I proposed.”
“I’m not Catherine! I’m so sorry that your wife died, but I’m not her. And you dated long distance. We live together. I am your wife for all intents and purposes. I cook for you, watch your daughter, clean your house, do your laundry, sleep with you at night.” I heard the words come out of my mouth and I knew I sounded erratic, unreasonable. But I also knew that I meant those crazy words.
He held my arms down. “Babe, listen to me. I’m crazy about you. You know that. But I have so much going on right now. With the airshow season kicking up and waiting to get orders. I don’t know where I will be next year. This is going to work out, but I don’t see what’s so wrong about taking this slow.”
“We are not taking this slow. You will never decide to marry me. I’ll always be the nanny. That is not what I want. That is not what I deserve. I love you. And I would make an excellent wife. If you are not ready, I understand. I never expected that you would be. You are completely right. It is too soon to make lifelong decisions. But I can’t move my sisters across the country on a maybe.”
He dropped his hands and paced in the kitchen. “So what? You are breaking up with me? After I opened up to you? Trusted you with my daughter? After I fell in love with you?”
“You trusted me with your daughter before you opened up to me. You hired me as your nanny, remember?”
“Look, I know you are scared, and I get that. This is a risk. But love is always a risk. And you are worth it to me. I’m not going anywhere. I just want to get through this year, figure out where I’ll be stationed, and then make some decisions. I’ve always been practical. And I want to make sure because Sky is involved.”
I wanted to scream, but I didn’t want to wake the girls. “Love isn’t rational! Love is passionate and messy and heart-wrenching. I already know I would do anything for you. And I want to know that you feel the same way about me. That I’m not just some runner up because your amazingly beautiful, perfect, classy wife who your mom adored died. I want to know that you love me just as much as I love you, if not more!”
And with that, I knew I had gone too far. But I didn’t for a second regret the words that came out of my mouth. I meant every one.
“I can’t give you what you want right now. You have no idea what it’s like to have your whole world ripped away from you. My feelings for my wife have nothing to do with my feelings for you. I wish you could understand that.”
“I do understand that. And no, I have no idea what that’s like. But I do know what it’s like to have nothing. Because my entire life has been nothing. Until you. And Sky. And I want this so badly that my heart is in knots. I need you. But I need you to need me to.”
“Of course I need you. You know that. You are everything. You are beautiful, kind, sexy, loving. I’m not ready to propose to you today.”
“I understand that. I fully get that you need more time. But we are out of time. Long distance will never work between us because we will never see each other with your travel schedule. And I can’t move in with you until we are engaged.”
And that was it. I had pushed the issue, and he had given me an answer. An answer that I didn’t want to hear but at least it was honest.
“The girls and I are moving to San Diego tomorrow. I’m buying a car, and we will be gone. My mom has agreed to terminate her parental rights.”
He shook his head. “So that’s it? After everything we have been through you are just shutting me out?”
“Yup. That’s it. This will never work. We are too different. Like your mom said, I do
n’t want to ruin your chances.”
He shot me a pointed glared. “That’s so unfair. I never said that, nor do I think that. I don’t bring your mom up.”
He was right. That was dirty. But I didn’t care. I was mad and lashing out. I had just given up the only man I had loved. “I’m sorry. But it’s true. You deserve someone like Catherine. Not me.”
He walked over to me and held me, and I didn’t push him away. “But I want you.”
I want you too. “We can’t always have what we want.”
“What about Sky? She loves you.”
And that broke me. I pictured her smiling face every time I picked her up out of the crib in the morning. “I love her too. But I don’t want to be her nanny anymore. I want to be her mom.”
28
Enchiladas Rojos
Paloma did not sleep in my bed that last night.
And when I woke early the next morning, she had already left.
She didn’t even leave a note.
I walked through the empty house, pitying myself, pitying Sky.
I grabbed her from her room. She had grown so much these last ten weeks.
She looked up at me. “Dada?”
I kissed her. She had been calling me dada for weeks. Her voice melted me. But I wasn’t prepared for the words that came out her mouth next. “Mama?”
Ah fuck. Maybe she said Loma.
But then she said it again. “Mama?”
I doubted that Paloma taught Sky to call her Mama. Sky probably learned it through books. Even so, I was just crushed.
Sky had lost another mother figure. And I wasn’t going to be around enough to make it up to her.
Who was going to watch her? I would have to hire another nanny.
But I didn’t want another nanny. I wanted Paloma.
I opened the refrigerator to get some milk and noticed a casserole dish covered in foil.
I lifted the foil off and found a full batch of enchiladas rojas.