Broken Beauty
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Q:Can you share any specific goals or intentions you had for this book? Do you feel you accomplished them?
My goal for this book is to finish the race and help people, although I know my race isn’t really “finished” until God calls me home. There were many times I would think to myself, “What am I doing? This is crazy to think I can write a book!” And it IS crazy, but God was by my side. He’s the only reason this book is complete. My goal was to honor God, and my parents, and help others through their suffering. And if it leads one person to Jesus, then mission accomplished! That’s what Mom would want, and as I said in the book, she would accept this disease a million times over if she knew it led one person to faith in Jesus.
Q:At one point, you said that being with your mother was emotionally exhausting, yet you knew the time with her was priceless. Do you think you have reached a balance about these feelings? What advice would you give others dealing with similar situations?
My advice on getting through the exhaustion is to focus on the renewal of the mind. It is crucial. Find time to meditate and pray; exercise or go for a walk; and, throughout the day, renew your mind by seeking God’s will. The mind is a powerful thing, and it takes a lot of discipline to direct your thoughts towards positivity and God in this exhausting situation, but trust me, it can be done! I am proof! I overcame despair as love took a hold of me. I’m a new person! Also, there are three things a loved one with Alzheimer’s responds to: sweets, music, and affection. I believe if caregivers were aware of this, it would enhance their lives and give them peace in times of despair.
Q:Has your relationship with your mother changed after writing this book? Are you more at peace with the choices you made?
My relationship with my mother has changed quite a bit. It’s a unique love, because she is like a child, and I am now the parent, and she depends on Dad, her caregivers, and me for all of her needs. Before, she was a very independent woman. She was a strong leader and would hardly accept help from anyone (wonder where I got it, ha!). She also gave a lot of advice, some wanted and some unsolicited. While our love is deeper and our bond is stronger, I also miss her unsolicited advice. Most of the time, that advice was because she loved me so much, though I didn’t realize it then. The most difficult part is not being able to call her all of the time. I told her almost everything, and even if I didn’t like her input, I still wanted her “motherly” advice! I don’t have that anymore. She was easy to approach with things, because she was so outspoken. We always teased her because she couldn’t keep her mouth shut and “nagged,” but I miss that more than ever now. She just didn’t know how to channel it very well, and I sure miss it when I am down about something and she can’t give me advice. She can, however, simply rub my arm, hug me, and say, “It’s okay, Sarah. It will be okay.” And that is all I need—for my mom to tell me it will be okay. I’m at peace with everything. She is where she needs to be, she’s safe, and she is so loved. That’s all that matters.
Q:Can you describe your writing process? Did you keep a journal when going through this experience with your mother?
I didn’t begin journaling until a few days after I placed her. During my time of despair, I felt like I needed to document all of my feelings. God really pressed it on my heart. I didn’t want to, but it was an overwhelming feeling, and I began typing things on my laptop. I had also been emailing friends updates even before her placement, and some of those emails read like a blog. Many friends and family members encouraged me to keep writing. They wanted to be a part of the journey and appreciated the authenticity, rawness, and vulnerability. During the writing process, my walk with God grew stronger and stronger. I wholeheartedly believe the reason He pressed it on my heart was to help me overcome the pain, hurt, depression, and suffering. I channeled my emotions through writing and dumped them on God when I lost it emotionally! It was therapeutic to write, and it revealed a lot of things about myself, my family, and my relationship with Mom. It also revealed who my true friends were, and that was hard. Some I thought were close didn’t show up. I hardly received a call or text from them during the hardest time of my life, as if they disappeared. It revealed people’s true colors and deepened my walk with God. The writing process has been difficult, exciting, adventurous, demanding, and exhilarating. It’s been challenging, and it most definitely was out of my comfort zone! I wouldn’t trade this experience for the world, though. I’d never felt such love from God, Mom, Dad, Thad (my husband), our children, and friends. Those who showed up these past several years know who they are, and I am forever grateful for this journey.
Q:Can you tell us how going through this experience has affected your relationship with your father? Have you learned anything about him that you did not know before?
Going through this experience with my father has pulled us even closer. I have always been a “daddy’s girl.” Yes, Mom and I have always been close, but I’ll always be a daddy’s girl! Dad and I communicate very openly. We don’t hold anything back, and he doesn’t hide things from me he thinks will upset me. He’s open about how he is emotionally, physically, and mentally. Our bond is so tight, and our love for God is strong. One thing I learned about him that I didn’t realize before was HOW much he loved Mom and how truly humble he is. I sometimes used to think he was slow in making decisions, but as I’ve grown older and gone through this experience, I’ve realized how wise my father really was and is. He is slow to make decisions because he is very patient and he waits on the Lord. He is the closest human being on this earth I can compare to my Father in Heaven. He is forever and always will be my daddy.
About the Author
SARAH BEARDEN SMITH is a housewife, mother of three, and a woman of deep faith, who has lived in Texas all her life. Sarah’s childhood was anchored by her family’s faith and their participation in church activities. She was a gifted athlete and reached elite status in competitive gymnastics by the time she was thirteen years of age. Sarah was born and raised in the Houston area, and remained there until her departure for the University of Texas at Austin, where she was a speech communications major and varsity cheerleader, and a member of Tri Delta Sorority. Following graduation, she remained in Austin, working in the software and high-tech industry. After her marriage to Thad Smith in 2002, the couple moved to Dallas, Texas. Through their years in Dallas, Sarah and her husband have served on various boards and committees, including the Greer Garson Gala, the Presbyterian Hospital Healthcare Foundation, East-West Ministries, AWARE Dallas, and the Providence Christian School of Texas. They actively serve with their children in assisted living and memory care facilities and support organizations such as Council for Life, the Alzheimer’s Association, the Women’s Alzheimer’s Movement, and Community Bible Study. Sarah and her family are members of Watermark Community Church.