Milk Eggs Vodka
Page 5
No matter what else you have on your list, the moment you write down “chz in can” the list becomes unhealthy.
In 1956, 80% of all U.S. households had a refrigerator, but only 8% of British households had one.
Hey friend, you’re kind of defeating the purpose of shopping at Whole Foods if you’re there to buy hot dogs, nuggets, pizzas, fries and fish sticks. Jeez.
Originally, jerky was wind- and sun-dried strips of llama or buffalo meat. The word comes from the Spanish charqui which is from the Quechua Indian word echarqui, meaning long thins strips of dried meat.
Note the conspicuous absence of yucky things like, say, fruits and vegetables.
Relish vs. salsa: The only difference is that the word “relish” is of French origin, and the word “salsa” is of Spanish origin. They are both condiments intended to add flavor to other foods, and both can be either raw or cooked.
No, no, no—you have to choose just one! You can’t have cigarettes AND Nicotine gum!
Liquid diet. Livin’ like a rock star.
Bacon is cured and smoked pork. In the U.S. pork bellies are used, Canadian bacon is made from the rib eye of boneless pork loin, and most European countries use the ham (thigh) or shoulder to make bacon.
What a sad and lonely life.
Lima beans have been cultivated in Peru since 6000 B.C., and their common name comes from Lima, Peru’s capital city.
Soda and candy. It’s a good thing you already have some heart medicine lined up.
Simple decadence is much more satisfying than elaborate decadence.
Dr Pepper was invented in Waco, Texas, in 1885.
Heart attack. Check.
Jam is made by cooking whole fruit with sugar. Jelly is fruit juice cooked with sugar to form a gel; some fruits and fruit combinations require I added pectin in addition to the natural pectin present in the fruit itself. Preserves are whole or cut up fruits cooked in a thick sugar syrup.
17. UNSURE OF MYSELF
questions marks and shopping larks
What is the true purpose of the question mark on a grocery list? Does it mean, “Am I sure I want this product?” Or, “Am I sure I need this product?” Or, “Am I sure this product is available at the store?” Or, “Am I sure this product even exists?” Or does it mean, “I sure like the shape of question marks.” I don’t know. Do you?
Poor Jason, no one remembers when he was born. At least he’s going to get some birthday treats.
If you’re getting hamburger buns, I’m pretty certain you oughtta get some hamburger too.
Nutmeg is unique among spice plants, producing two distinct spices. The seed is dried, shelled and sold either whole or ground as the spice nutmeg. The outer fleshy network is also dried and ground, producing the spice known as mace.
(BACK)
Kohlrabi is high in fiber, an excellent source of vitamin C and a good source of potassium. It contains about 40 calories per cup.
(FRONT)
Ralph thinks to himself, “hmmmm. Did God tell me to use the knife? Or was it the hatchet?!”
Yearly losses from stolen, lost and broken shopping carts total $180 million in the U.S.
BE SURE OF YOURSELF:
SOME SMART SHOPPING TIPS
At the risk of having this book actually be useful, here are my top ten tips to help you make the most of going to the grocery store.
1. EAT FIRST: Eat before you go. Hungry shoppers tend to buy things they don’t need.
2. PLAN AHEAD: Try planning all your meals out for a week and buy only what you need for those meals. Organize your refrigerator, freezer and cupboards before you go, so when you get home you can quickly put things away. This will also give you the opportunity to do a pre-shopping inventory to make sure you don’t buy things you already have.
3. CLIP A LOT: Coupons save money and taking a few minutes each week to clip them can add up to hundreds of dollars per year.
4. TRY GENERIC: Store brand frozen broccoli might cost 40% less than the comparable name brand.
5. BYOB: Bring Your Own Bags. Everyone has stashes of those plastic bags from the grocery store. Sure, they can be used at home or recycled, but it makes environmental sense to get a few large canvas shopping bags and bring them to the store with you each time.
6. STOCKPILE: If a non-perishable item you use frequently is on sale, buy a lot of it.
7. PAY LESS: Watch the weekly circulars. You may find that buying your health and beauty products at a drugstore is cheaper than buying them at the grocery.
8. PAY ATTENTION: Watch the scanner when checking out. Grocery stores only seem to make mistakes that benefit them—meaning when the scanner shows an incorrect price it’s almost always an overcharge, not an undercharge. Also, check expiration dates!
9. MAKE A LIST: Make a grocery list and stick to it (don’t cave in to impulse buys). The time spent making a list will almost certainly be less than the time you might spend going back to the store to pick up something you forgot. Try using the down loadable shopping list I designed as seen in chapter 12.
10. LEAVE BEHIND: Always leave your list in the shopping cart when you’re done! Someone might find it and send it to me and I’ll have the chance to make fun of you on the Internet and in books. Thank you. Happy shopping!
Heinz sells more than 50% of the ketchup in the U.S. (and 48% of the frozen potatoes).
You really better figure out if it’s baking soda or baking powder that you need. the distinction is kind of important.
Canned food has a shelf life of at least two years from the date of processing.
When in doubt, always get the cookies.
Um, how do you spell sheik? Oh yeah, I need toothpaste, but I’m not sure about the juice.
According to the USDA, Americans waste almost 25% of all the food produced in the U.S. each year.
Frozen fish? Frozen pizzas? Frozen toes? Frozen bank account?
Yard long beans really do grow to 3 feet long, although they are usually picked when about 18 inches long. They are related to black-eyed peas, but taste and look like green beans. They originated in Africa or southern Asia.
Beer? Yes, get some beer.
Milk is the official state beverage of North Dakota
I SAID GET SOME BEER. WHAT ’S THE PROBLEM?
If nearly everything on your list has a question mark after it, what the hell are you trying to get done?
The typical shopping cart costs $50-80 to replace.
18. OTHER LISTS
to-do lists, et cetera
As I mentioned in the introduction, lists are a big part of our culture. Grocery lists are just a small subset of the plentiful bizarre and useful lists we make. To-do lists probably rule our lives, even more than grocery lists. Everyone has things to do and most of us get a feeling of accomplishment by writing those things down and crossing them off. But some of us just accomplish making strange lists.
Grocery/etc. list: A bit of grocery shopping, a bit of groin-oriented medical terminology, and just a tiny bit of the F-word.
Artichokes actually are a large, unopened flower bud.
Shopping list: Oh my. I want to work where she works!
To-do list: The price you pay for using a PC. and having friends. And needing to eat.
Lipton’s dry Onion Soup Mix was introduced in 1952, and soon became a common ingredient in hundreds of recipes.
Shopping list: “I’m going to Wal-Mart to get a money order. And a dog.”
Reminder list: I guess this one’s pretty self-explanatory.
Life Savers were created in 1912 by Clarence Crane as a candy that would not melt in the summertime.
(BACK)
(FRONT)
Daily cigarette list: “Ever since I’ve been trying to quit smoking I’ve been craving GIANT SCOOPS OF ICE CREAM. I wonder if they make Nicotine favored?”
Tomato catsup has a high acid content (due to both the tomatoes and vinegar in it) so it does not have to be refrigerated. It is safe to store it at room
temperature, but it will taste better if kept refrigerated.
CHANCING UPON CHEVY
Here’s a letter and list (see next page) I received from a grocerylists.org reader from New York. She had a great story, so I figured I’d let her tell it in her own words.
Dear Bill,
Written on the back of this expense list for taking care of a quadriplegic bound in a wheelchair is Chevy Chase’s autograph. At the time it was signed, a friend of mine was caretaker for the quadriplegic and brought him to a Yankee game. He used this piece of cardboard to keep track of what he spent that day so he could be reimbursed. Well, in the restroom at Yankee Stadium, Kyle was peeing and heard the crowd begin yelling. He looked around for a TV thinking a good play had just happened when he saw a tall guy with sunglasses on, wearing a baseball cap. Not a Yankees cap, more Field & Stream. It was Chevy Chase, relieving himself beside Kyle!
Kyle then said, “Shit, no home run!,” Followed quickly by “I loved you in the Vacation movies.” Chevy quickly signed the only item Kyle had in his pocket—the list of expenses—smirked, and left the bathroom.
Just think—Chevy didn’t even wash his hands before signing this! How cool yet gross! I picked this out of Kyle’s garbage (also gross?) because he was going to throw it away!
Best regards,
Kristine Rakowsky
New York, New York.
Eggplants are native to India. The name refers to an earlier white-skinned variety.
(FRONT)
The most common food allergens include gluten, corn, shellfish, peanuts and soy.
(BACK)
A refrigerator temperature of 40° F or less slows the growth of most bacteria. The temperature won’t kill the bacteria, but it will keep them from multiplying, and the fewer there are, the less likely you are to get sick.
planning list: This seems to be a list and diagram for setting up the endcap displays in a supermarket. I know you’re thinking, “Who gives a crap.” But this is one of the ways they get you to make impulse buys. This sketch is probably, like, a classified grocery store document.
Cucumbers are one of the oldest cultivated vegetables, having been farmed since about 2000 B.C.
Gift list: Jeez, organize some sort of holiday gift swap. It sucks buying something for everyone you work with.
Shopping list: Kitten faces! No!!!!! (I’m told this is probably a supply list for an early childhood special education teacher.)
To eliminate about half the fat content from chicken, trim away the skin before eating the meat. It makes little difference whether the skin is removed before or after cooking, but the meat is more moist and tender when cooked with the skin on.
Job-hunt list: Sending out resumes and looking through the classifieds and job posting sites = No Fun.
Gilbert Van Camp used an old family recipe to make pork and beans for sale in his grocery store in Indianapolis. It became so popular he started a canning company to manufacture the now classic Van Camp’s Pork and Beans.
Reminder list: For a day out on the lake—what else could a guy need (besides maybe pants)?
Some call edamame (immature green soybeans) a super-vegetable because it’s the only veggie that contains all nine essential amino acids. This makes edamame a complete protein source, similar to meat or eggs.
Thanksgiving responsibility list: The grandma always gets stuck making the banana cake. Because who else would know how to make a banana cake?
Snapple Iced Tea was introduced in 1987 and the ready-to-drink iced tea category exploded.
Sushi order list: Mmmmmmm. I could go for some sushi right now too.
When Trix cereal was Introduced by General Mills in 1954, It was more than 46% sugar
Christmas or birthday wish list: So what do you think he got? Probably the books. I mean, he did ask for books.
Most fruit juices begin to taste a little stale after a few days. Aerate to revive the taste by pouring it back and forth a few times, or fill a blender and turn it on for a few seconds.
To-do list: This just makes me laugh. Haw-haw-haw!
Skunk eggs: Cowboy slang for onions
19. ALL-AMERICAN LISTS
the lost grocery lists of America
When I started working on this book, I thought it would be interesting to include a list from every U.S. state. Although I only had about half of what I needed, I put out requests and grocerylists.org readers came through. (Yay!) So here I present to you, in all their flag-waving, bread-buying glory, fifty lists from fifty states (plus Washington D.C.).
Alabama
Arizona
Arkansas
California
Colorado
Connecticut
Delaware
Florida
Georgia
Hawaii
Idaho
Illinois
Indiana
Iowa
Alaska
Eggplants are actually fruits, and are classified botanically as berries.
Kansas
Kentucky
Louisiana
Maine
Maryland
Massachusetts
Michigan
Minnesota
Mississippi
Missouri
Montana
Nebraska
Nevada
Brown gargle: Cowboy slang for coffee.
New Hampshire
New Mexico
New York
North Carolina
North Dakota
Ohio
Oklahoma
Oregon
Pennsylvania
Rhode Island
South Carolina
South Dakota
Tennessee
Texas
New Jersey
Americans eat 18.3 pounds of onions every year, per capita.
Utah
Vermont
Virginia
Washington
West Virginia
Wisconsin
Wyoming
Washington, D.C.
Unopened beer has a shelf live of about four months.
A FEW FACTS ABOUT THESE ALL-AMERICAN LISTS
Although I’ve cropped these lists due to space considerations, I studied and parsed them beforehand. Here are the stats:
•41% list a bread product
•37% list milk
•About 1/3 list some sort of cleaning or personal care product
•Almost 1/4 of them include a misspelling
•12% list bananas
•Just 6% list some type of alcohol (yeah, right)
•Only one person was shopping for ginger ale
•Just one person needed “milk and lube”
20. WHAT’S COOKIN’?
recipes made using other people’s grocery lists
Normally, I don’t eat things I find on the ground, but occasionally I make exceptions. Especially when I find a list on the ground—and it features a selection of delicious items that can be made into a meal. (Note: Don’t eat the list itself—just use it for shopping!) For this project, I challenged my wife to create a meal from things other people wrote on their grocery lists. She wanted to use the list that read, “Spaghetti, spaghetti sauce, garlic bread” but I said no. So she came up with broiled salmon served over a bed of sautéed leeks in a kicky jalapeno cream sauce. Huzzah! Here is a day’s worth of yummy meals concocted from five discarded grocery lists. For the most part, these meals use items found on a particular list but a little shopping and/or cupboard rummaging might be required to make sure the meal doesn’t suck. Enjoy!
Start your day right: french toast with brown sugar peaches and yogurt cheese.
Cucumbers are about 95% water, and have very little nutritional value.