“Looks like you found your answer,” I say to Yumiko-san. “You have a reason to cry and a reason to smile.”
They separate and wipe their eyes. I get up and walk to the front of the plane. They need some time to themselves.
We’re in the air now. Nowhere to run. Time to get some answers to some awkward questions. I close the curtain and sit down next to him.
We’re quiet for a while. I’m hoping he’ll speak first.
“I haven’t been fair to you. It’s the first time you’ve liked a girl and I’m not talking to you about it.”
“It doesn’t seem like something we can talk about.”
“Pretend she isn’t my girlfriend. Tell me about it.”
He looks over at me confused. I just want to get what’s going on in his head. When I understand his emotions I’m better at controlling them. After a pause he drops his guard.
“I don’t know when it happened,” he starts. “My heart jumped at little moments. Those moments kept happening and it took over my whole body and I couldn’t ignore it anymore.”
I pass him a drink. He takes it and drinks quickly.
“She showed that she cared. If I wasn’t around she would ask where I was. If I got a scratch on my arm she would bandage the little thing. Make me get well cards when I got sick and slide them under my door.”
He smiles remembering. He’s having all the experiences I’ve missed out on being away. I thought I could handle hearing it all. I have to take my emotions out of it. I have to hear more.
“And every year her smile got so much brighter. She started to forget about her family and some moments she forgot about you. But every time she did, she felt so bad about it. She would beg me to call you and you would never answer. Then she would cry and I would hold on to her and try to distract her with a story. And I would tell her each time, “Kyoya-sama loves you very much.” Pushing down my own feelings.”
I pour a drink for myself.
“So when I asked her if she wanted to be with me and she denied me, my instinct was to hurt her. And I did. I’d done so much for her.”
“If she denies you again, will you hurt her?” I ask him.
“No. I could never hurt her. That time I thought she was saying that she didn’t like me but….she was just saying that she doesn’t choose me.”
We stop talking for a while and just drink. We both dropped our guards to have that conversation. A normal man would send him away feeling threatened. But he’s right. He’s the best one in the palace guard. As king I may have to take care of things secretly. That’s something he can do. If I didn’t love Setsuna-san it would be easy to give her to him. That’s not going to happen. It’s getting harder to turn a blind eye.
I need to make Setsuna-san’s feelings for me stronger.
“I know it was hard for you to talk to me but thank you for it,” he tells me. “Even in this situation that we’re in, I can only be honest with you. I’m sorry I developed feelings for a girl that was promised to you. I tried not to… for your sake.”
His voice is low and he won’t look at me when he says those touching words. He’s being honest but he’s omitting things. That’s fine for now.
“Sorry I hit you,” I say to him. “I didn’t have time to situate my emotions.”
“It’s fine. I really deserved it. No harm will come to the princess, you have my word.”
“And Yumiko-san too.”
“Of course,” he says smiling.
“When we land they’ll be a lot of press. Keep your guard up. Don’t do anything reckless. The public doesn’t know you but they’ll take an interest quick.”
“I’m just a bodyguard.”
The curtain parts. Yumiko-san stands with her head poking through. She keeps her eyes down. I check his face for clues but there are none.
“Kyoya-sama, can we review some of the questions before we land?” she asks shyly.
It’s good she’s taking this seriously.
“Sure, I’ll be back in a moment.”
She nods and vanishes. I may have picked his brain too much but it can’t hurt to dig a bit more.
“Why is she acting so strange around you?” I ask him.
“Cause she feels shame.”
“Shame?”
“The commander broke her heart. So she’s trying to get over it by having rough sex.”
I immediately tighten my fist.
“With you?” I clarify.
He nods. I don’t want her to be with a guy like him. I picture her being tied up and…
“This stops now,” I warn him.
“It was her idea-”
“I don’t care. Leave her alone. I don’t want her messing around with you.”
“What do you mean?”
“Cause you’ll hurt her and she’ll let you. You know what I mean.”
I get up and swallow the rest of my drink. There’s so much to take into account. I have to start writing. I knew Yumiko-san was hurting but I didn’t think she would rebound like this. I should talk to her soon before she makes a mistake.
When did I start caring? She’s Setsuna-san’s cousin; she’ll be my family soon. But besides that, she’s a nice girl that I spared. Kind of troubled but a nice girl.
“I thought I was helping her,” he says to me.
“Young girls make a lot of mistakes at her age and it’s normally selfish men that lead them to it.”
Saying that out loud makes me think about Setsuna-san. She’s young too. I was selfish for staying away from her and I assumed she took it well. I mean, I know the suicide attempt was bogus.
She’s been so sweet to him and he’s fallen in love with her. Has she….No, I don’t want to think about it. She would never be with another. She was so awkward when we were in bed together; no experience there. She freaked out right after I touched my pant zipper. Then she ran to the balcony and started talking to herself.
“You’re really good at understanding people,” he says to me.
But I don’t even understand myself. And Setsuna-san eludes me as well.
Chapter 64: Setsuna
The crypt is about half a mile away from the palace but still within its walls. It’s the first place I wanted to go. I know it makes no difference whether I talk to my parents in my bedroom or in front of their tombs. I just want to know what it feels like to be surrounded by their ashes and the ashes of the Asahina family before them.
It feels peaceful. Not many people would think that while in a crypt. Yumi-chan might like it here too but she’s too scared to come down. Kyoya-sama and the others are upstairs waiting for me. I denied the guard cause I don’t want anyone to hear my thoughts.
“Hello, mother and father. It’s me, Setsuna. I’m your daughter or use to be. I feel you watching me. I don’t know if you’re satisfied with me yet. Kyoya-sama is great.”
He really is great. He understands what it takes to be a king. As queen I’m not sure what use I will have. It’s kind of daunting to think of my future. I really do think Kyoya-sama will leave me again. He’ll keep me in the palace cause he thinks I’m safe and travel the world without me.
I’ll always be guarded and never get to be free.
“Would you be mad at me if I didn’t become queen?”
Of course they would. Captain Saki’s offer is tempting. It’s what I’ve been thinking about and crying about the last few days. He can give me the freedom I want. But then I see Kyoya-sama’s face and feel like a terrible person for considering. Going with Captain Saki would be the easy way out.
“If I want to be free, I can’t wait for someone to give it to me. I have to break out on my own. I keep thinking I’m letting you both down. Every decision I make needs the approval of so many people and I don’t like that.”
I drop my head on father’s stone casket. I wish he could talk to me.
“You’re gone now. You don’t have the burden of royalty anymore. I wonder if you still feel the same way about what I should do with my
life.”
Hearing footsteps I stand up. I guess I’ve been here too long.
“I figured I should try,” Yumi-chan says.
She steps down the stairs cautiously. It’s dim lighting down here. I go over to her and grab her hand on the last step. She always insists on wearing heels.
“Did you want privacy?” I ask her.
“No, don’t leave me here alone!”
“Hehe, I won’t.”
She kneels down in front of them. We’re quiet. She must be talking to them. She never got their approval either.
“You’re on the right track,” I tell her.
She opens her eyes.
“I don’t think so,” she says quietly. “I lost some of the morals they tried to put in me. I disrespected my family.”
“What do you mean? You being here is not disrespecting-”
“The robes we wear, the ones that use to belong to the Asahina women before us, I sullied them. You and your innocence, I sullied that too.”
“Yumi-chan, what did you-”
“I’m sorry,” she says crying. “Kantarou-sama turned me away. And as soon as he did I felt lost.”
I reach over and hug her shoulders. It’s not like her to cry.
“I just wanted to forget him and feel good again so I…purposefully lost myself. Wanted to forget who I was and just feel good again.”
I rub her shoulders and she cries more and more. She puts her head on the stone coffin and I move her hair from her face. I want her to rely on me like I rely on her.
“What did you do?” I ask her again.
“Your bodyguard has a thing for you.”
She knows too! Does she know the offer he made me? I stay quiet.
“I dressed up as you so he would have his way with me. I sullied my robes, I let him call me your name, I….I’m sorry.”
She had sex with Captain Saki. I don’t really understand. So he kissed her and…my mind’s going blank. Does it mean they’re in love with each other now?
“You should stay away from him,” she tells me. “He’s obsessed with you.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“I feel so stupid for all this. I had it in my head that I would be with Kantarou-sama some kind of way but it can never happen. I’ve just proven that I’m just some whore from Morinaga, just like my mother.”
“No, don’t think that. You’re not her. You’re a person that’s trying to get better.”
I give her my sleeve to wipe her tears. She takes it then gets to her feet.
“You’ve always been so strong.”
I wouldn’t be here asking for guidance if I was. With her tears dry my mind goes back to Captain Saki. He would really pretend to be with me by being with my cousin. Am I supposed to feel flattered? I don’t. I feel….jealous. They kissed and hugged. He did all that with a person he wasn’t in love with. I shouldn’t feel jealous. This is crazy.
“Can we head upstairs now? This place is creeping me out,” she says to me.
I take her hand and help her up the stairs. At the top I see Kyoya-sama and Captain Saki. I run to Kyoya-sama immediately. I’m starting to understand why he called Captain Saki a sick man. I have to put that in my head so I won’t think about him. Yumi-chan wanders to Kyoya-sama’s side too and hugs him. He’s surprised by it.
“I take it you both made your peace,” he says to us.
“I want to review for the interview again. I have to get it right. I need a second chance.”
“I’ll help as much as I can.”
He rubs my head. I pull my eyes away from the captain.
“Can you keep yourself busy?” he asks me. “I’ll be with Yumiko-san for a while.”
“It’s okay to walk around your house?”
“Of course. It’s your house too.”
The palace he’s building for us isn’t finished yet. But there’s a guest house he’s been staying in. Yumi-chan and him go in a separate car to his office in the Capitol Building. I’m left with Captain Saki heading to the house. Kyoya-sama seems to trust him. He’s leaving me with a “sick man.” A man that’s in love with me. He must trust him despite all that.
Kyoya-sama always knows best. He doesn’t see the captain as a threat so maybe I shouldn’t either. This is the first time I’ve been alone with him since that night at the movies. I look out the window to distract myself. I want us to take the longest route possible; I want to watch the trees pass by.
“Beautiful, isn’t it,” he says to me. “It’s nice to come back here. I’m glad it’s under happier circumstances.”
“Y-yeah.”
“Nothing has to change between us. You can talk to me like normal.”
“How can I?”
“He knows.”
“Does he know what you offered me?” I ask.
“No….that’s between us of course. If he knew he would just stop us. Makes me wonder why you haven’t told him.”
“I…”
“I’m happy you’re considering.”
“I’m not! I just don’t want to bother him with stupid things,” I tell him.
Forget the long way; I rather be away from him. He was with Yumi-chan. I just don’t understand that. I’ve never seen the two of them talk. She says she loves Kantarou-sama and Captain Saki says he loves me. So why are they together? I have to ask this in a crafty way.
“Yumi-chan told me you’ve been helping her through her breakup. I didn’t know you guys were friends.”
“She told you?”
“Yeah, she said you helped her feel better.”
“How?”
Do I have to say it? I’m trying to leave that part out.
“She just said you guys were talking. Did you give her some good advice?”
“She said we were talking?” he questions.
I keep my head towards the window. I’m not a very good liar. I nod to him and he starts laughing.
“I can tell you’re lying. Does it bother you that I’m sleeping with her?”
“Are you in love with her?” I pull away from the window.
“You don’t have to be in love with someone to sleep with them. Kyoya-sama could tell you a lot about that.”
“Ugh…don’t bring him into this. I don’t want you with my cousin. I order you to stop.”
“You order me-”
“Yes, I order you. Do you not work for me?”
He laughs at me again. I’ve never given him an order. Of course he wouldn’t take me seriously.
“Yes, I work for you. I’ll take your order if you tell me honestly why it bothers you.”
I’m not sure myself.
“You…you’ve never shown an interest in girls. I don’t think you have her best interests in mind.”
“Go on.”
“Uh…That should suffice,” I say to him.
“Are you jealous that I gave her some attention?”
Maybe that’s it. I nod to him.
“I’ll leave her alone.”
So he accepts it. He’s not going to tease me about it.
“The last thing I want is for you to feel uneasy. If anything I do makes you feel uncomfortable tell me directly.”
“T-thank you.”
The driver slows and I realize that Kyoya-sama’s new palace isn’t far from my old one. I assumed he would model it after his home in Han but this place is small just like my old palace was. He gets it; he understands my family’s vision. Everything is to remain small.
When the car stops I grab the handle and he blocks my hand.
“Never a good idea to get out the car first,” he tells me.
He switches back into bodyguard mode so quickly. The door opens and he steps out with his sword. His hand reaches back to me.
“Take my hand,” he says.
I have to believe that even though his feelings for me are cloudy he’ll always put my safety first. The house is small; it’s like something a normal girl would live in. I wish this small house could be
our palace. He walks me up the walkway slowly.
“Why are there so many guards?” I ask him.
“It’s your first time back. Can’t be too careful.”
“Is my life in danger?”
“The interview will create enough chatter for us to be certain.”
That’s very calculating of Kyoya-sama. This is my first time entering his house and he’s not here escorting me in. All the moments I expected to have with him have Captain Saki instead.
The door opens for us and the servants bow to me in the foyer. I was hoping we wouldn’t have servants. They’re all pretty girls. Not that I don’t trust him; I just wanted a normal house. I would cook for him and do laundry like a normal girl. I guess that’s what Captain Saki is offering me. This appears to be more of the same.
“Welcome Princess Setsuna,” they say in unison.
I don’t feel well. I need to be by myself. There’s a whole house to explore but I stay in Kyoya-sama’s room touching up my drawings. I wish there was someone I could talk to about this. I’m scared that my life with Kyoya-sama will be more of the same. But I want to be with him. Maybe I could talk to him about what I feel; maybe he’ll compromise just a little bit.
I look at my sketches; it makes me happy to see the flowers and birds. But I’m looking at them caged too. We’re all hidden behind the palace walls. Everyone thinks we’re delicate but no one wants to let try to be strong.
It gets dark and I see the moon perfectly from his window. That always got me though my lonely times. No matter where we are in this world or out of this world, we all see the same moon. Kyoya-sama looks at it just like I do.
“You’re still awake?”
I turn around sharply. Oh…it’s him. Kyoya-sama steps into the dim room loosening his tie. He drops his jacket on his chair and sits down on the bed.
“I heard you locked yourself in here as soon as you arrived. Is something wrong?”
“No.”
“Tell the truth.”
He continues taking off his clothes. He’s peeling off his layers so maybe I should too. I scoot closer to him.
“I don’t mind living with people but I don’t like servants and guards. I thought cause this place was small it would be different.”
“I’ll consider cutting it down a bit but you’ll be taking away jobs these people need.”
The Last Princess Page 25