The Adventures of Duncan & Mallory

by Robert Asprin

  Mallory turned to address the tall dark-haired human he’d been playing cards with earlier. “Bilgewater, you wouldn’t happen to know just how much money he had to put up, would you?”

  “Five coins,” he said. “It’s a sucker bet. No one has ever pinned that monkey. I’m sure you could, but I doubt seriously they’d let you even try.”

  “So in other words anyone who might beat the monkey isn’t allowed to play.” Mallory was thoughtful. Five coins was too much to give up, but his partner was about to be beaten to death by a small monkey.

  “If he pins him what does he win?” Mallory asked.

  “One hundred coins.”

  Mallory nodded and moved closer to the cage, careful not to draw attention to himself. He worked his tail through the bars of the cage, quickly grabbed the monkey by its tail, and then pulled the monkey back into the bars. Duncan looked more than a little dazed.

  The monkey spun its head around quickly looking for what had its tail. When the monkey’s eyes caught Mallory’s, the dragon opened his mouth wide to show the full length of his rows of razor-sharp teeth, and the monkey froze.

  “For the god’s sake, pin the monkey!” Bilgewater screamed.

  Duncan grabbed the monkey and Mallory gave the monkey a warning look and quickly released its tail. The monkey lay spreadeagled on the floor of the cage and let the human pin it.

  “You cheated!” the bartender screamed.

  Mallory was sure that meant the bartender had seen him grab the monkey’s tail.

  Duncan left the cage quickly as the bartender opened the door.

  “How so?” Sadie, a small woman with long brown hair who’d also been playing cards with Mallory, asked.

  “He must have hit the monkey,” the bartender said.

  “You’ve been running this scam for years. We all know that all punching the monkey does is make him really, really mad,” Bilgewater supplied.

  “It’s still the rules,” the bartender said.

  “I didn’t see him punch the monkey. Did anyone see him punch the monkey?” Sadie demanded.

  Mallory was actually surprised by the two gamblers speaking up. After all he’d taken a substantial amount of their coin. Then he realized two things. First, that his card-playing friends had no idea that he and Duncan were together. Second, if they didn’t know then neither did any one else in the bar. That being the case they had the upper hand. “Now see here, barkeep,” Mallory said. “You give this young man his winnings. He has beaten your con fair and square.”

  Duncan, bloody and bruised and more confused than usual, looked at Mallory. He quickly cut the young human his very best keep-your-mouth-shut look.

  Without another word the bartender handed Duncan two rolls of fifty coins.

  “Thanks,” the young human mumbled to the blue man. Rapidly swelling lips were hard to talk through.

  Mallory motioned towards the door, pointing with his tail, and the battered Duncan nodded and staggered towards the exit.

  “Well, back to our game,” Bilgewater said to Mallory as the crowd started to disperse, going back to what they’d been doing before.

  Mallory smiled, being sure to show plenty of tooth. “I’m afraid I really must be going.”

  “But you have to give us a chance to win our money back,” Sadie said with a sweet smile.

  “I’d love to, but I really must be going. I have a prior engagement.” Mallory started for the front door but the others followed.

  “I’m afraid I must insist,” Bilgewater started. The man and his partner were professional gamblers. Mallory knew the type—flashy dressers, more cards up their sleeves than they had on the table, and a line of bull you could hang clothes on. Bilgewater didn’t like to lose, and he no doubt had a plan to win back the money he’d lost and then some.

  Mallory cleared his throat, making a small growl-like sound and bared all his teeth at him again, letting their full length show. “I said I have to go,” he said, and let just the tiniest bit of smoke puff out of his nostrils.

  “Well if you just must,” Sadie said nervously, and started pulling on Bilgewater’s waistcoat as she backed away from the beast. “It was a pleasure playing with you.”

  Bilgewater seemed reluctant to go but finally nodded and said to Mallory, “Until next time then.”

  “Yes, next time.” Mallory nodded and left quickly. He found Duncan waiting right outside the door for him. “Shesh! Why didn’t you head on down the road?” he whispered then added quickly as he kept walking, “Wait a few seconds then follow me.”

  Duncan nodded and a few minutes later he caught up to Mallory.

  “I can’t believe they gave me the money. I actually did punch the monkey.”

  “What can I say? When J.P. Mallory talks, people listen. Now just keep moving. The faster we get out of town the better.”

  “But why?” Duncan asked, and started walking faster to keep up.

  “I’ll explain when we get out of town.”

  “But it’s dark.”

  “The moon is full, plenty of light.”

  * * * *

  Sadie lifted her black, floor-length skirt and stepped up to join Bilgewater on the porch of a bed and breakfast. “See? It’s just as I told you. Those two are working together,” he said.

  “How can you be so sure, Bilge? Perhaps they are just talking,” Sadie countered. She wasn’t buying it. No doubt because they seemed a more unlikely partnership than even she and Bilgewater. “The dragon is pretty slick. Maybe he is trying to talk that fellow out of his money.”

  “Well, they came together and they left minutes apart. Suddenly that dragon was in a hurry to leave. The cards were falling in his favor all night, so the question is—‘why?’” He turned to Sadie and smiled.

  “Quitting while he was ahead?” she shrugged.

  “They’re partners. I’d bet my silver-toed, snake skinned boots on it. Did you know that dragon has a prehensile tail?”

  “No I didn’t.”

  “Neither did I till I saw him use it to grab the monkey and pull him into the bars.”

  “Why did you…?”

  “He’s a seven-foot dragon. I’d rather not get on his bad side. Besides the money didn’t come out of my pocket.”

  “But the money he won from us at the table did,” Sadie said, frowning. “And you know good and well he was cheating because we both were and he was still beating us.”

  “Pocket change, my friend. I have a feeling those two are going to do much bigger and better things. I think we ought to keep a half an eye on them, see if their good fortune might play into our hands, if you know what I mean.”

  Sadie’s eyes narrowed to slits and she smiled. “Oh I think I do indeed.”

  Chapter Five

  Duncan had been laughing for several minutes uncontrollably. “You grabbed the monkey’s tail,” he said, as if Mallory hadn’t been the one who told him.

  “I had to. You were about to be killed. Which is, of course, your fault because you punched the monkey in the face,” Mallory said, clicking his tongue and shaking his head in a disapproving way.

  “I thought it was the only way to win.”

  “You really are a babe in the woods,” Mallory said. “He tells people not to punch the monkey because it’s the monkey’s trigger. Even if you might wear him down and pin him, you won’t if you punch him because then he just goes nuts.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “It’s simple. The reason you thought you should punch the monkey—that’s the reason why he told you not to. You shouldn’t have punched the monkey anyway.”

  Duncan still didn’t really understand, but didn’t like being talked to as if he’d committed some unforgivable sin because he punched a monkey. “It was just a monkey.”

  “Exactly! A poor, defenseless monkey.”

  “Defenseless?! Have you looked at my face lately? That monkey was beating me to death. You said so yourself.”

  “Only because you punched hi
m in the face.”

  “No, he was beating me up way before I punched him in the face.”

  “Because you were in his space. Have you at least learned your lesson?”

  “Ahh… don’t make bets in bars when you’ve had a few pints?”

  “Well that goes without saying, but I was thinking the greater lesson is that violence never solved anything.”

  “That monkey was beating me up.”

  “Because you were trying to pin it.”

  “Because I wanted to make a hundred coins and more importantly I didn’t want to lose my five coins.”

  “You hit a tiny monkey in the face with your fist. What a proud moment for you.”

  “I was sure that was the only way to pin him,” he defended.

  “And you see how well that worked out for you.”

  “I won one hundred coins.”

  “No, we won one hundred coins and it wasn’t because you resorted to violence. We won because I used my wits.”

  “You grabbed his tail with your tail. How is that using your brains?” he demanded.

  “Oh come on, that was pretty slick. At least I didn’t hurt the monkey,” Mallory defended.

  “Well apparently neither did I.”

  “True. Still, violence never solves anything. I’ve found there are few things you can’t talk your way out of.”

  “Surely there is something you think is worth fighting for.”

  “Fighting is idiotic and pointless. Aren’t you the man who left home because you didn’t want to fight in a war?”

  “Well yes, but that war was stupid. I mean, really? Fighting and dying over the right to say the river belongs to…well, anyone?”

  “I have found that most wars and almost all fights are started—and continue—over nothing any less stupid,” Mallory said.

  “When you make that I’m-better-than-everyone-else face and use that self-righteous tone of voice I want to hit YOU,” Duncan said.

  “And what would that get you? A fist full of sore knuckles and a pissed off dragon,” Mallory said, looking at his claws and picking something out from under one of them. “I’ve never had the need to get violent. Simply talking to people, explaining my position…”

  “And being a seven-foot tall, fire-breathing reptile with a mouth full of teeth like a shark doesn’t help?” Duncan interjected.

  To his surprise this made Mallory smile. “Well it certainly doesn’t hurt.”

  Duncan laughed, no longer angry with his big friend. He was, of course, welcome to his rather silly, nonviolent ideals.

  A dragon that breathes fire and could chomp a car in two but is a vegetarian and a pacifist. Mallory isn’t anything he’s supposed to be…just like me! That’s what we have in common—why we get along, because neither of us are anything we’re supposed to be.

  “Whatever are you grinning about, human?” Mallory asked.

  “Nothing.” Duncan shrugged his shoulders. He noticed they’d walked out of town a few minutes before. “Shouldn’t we have…I don’t know…stopped to buy some provisions at least?”

  “We couldn’t afford to.”

  “We have plenty of money…”

  “Not because we don’t have enough money, dunderhead. We couldn’t afford for anyone to find out we were working together. They’d put two and two together. It’s never really good to get caught out-conning a con man. You win a really big pot like that you’d better leave before they have a chance to get mad and come looking for you.

  “There’s bound to be another town not too far up the road. Like I said, as long as you stay close to the Sliding, towns are never very far apart.” Mallory stopped suddenly and Duncan stopped and looked at him. Mallory pulled one of his feet up, looked at the bottom of it, dusted it off and then pulled a rock from between two of his talons. He sighed as he started walking again. “I think our first order of business should be to find some sort of transportation.”

  “I can’t agree with you more,” Duncan said. “Could we maybe find somewhere to camp for the night? After all, that poor, harmless monkey didn’t leave a spot on my whole body that he didn’t punch, bite, or kick.”

  “Of course! I’m sorry. We probably need to clean out your wounds, too.”

  In the woods it was darker than on the road. They felt around for wood. Mallory started it going and then continued to gather wood and get the fire blazing as Duncan made his way to the river. The water was cold and cleaning out his many wounds made him shiver. He was glad for the warmth of the fire when he got back to their camp.

  Mallory had already dragged up a bunch of deadfall to keep the fire going. Duncan hugged the fire, suddenly feeling every bite and punch he’d taken. The warmth felt good on his monkey-ravaged body. He looked with a wary eye from the fire to the proximity of the river.

  As if reading his mind Mallory said, “Don’t worry, Dunc, the river just slid. It won’t slide again for a long time. Also, dragons have superior sight and hearing, and I am well aware of the sound the river makes before it slides.”

  Duncan nodded. “Mallory, do you know if the river has ever moved far enough to take out a whole town? The towns being so close and all.”

  “That’s a good question.” Mallory looked thoughtful for a moment. “The river only slides just so far one way and then the next time it slides back, so all towns, villages, and especially cities, are built well above the slide zone. The most I’ve ever seen it do is take down a tree. However, there is a story—I don’t know how much truth there is to it—of a great city that was destroyed.

  “The story goes that when Overlap was first created, there was a lot of confusion because… Well all these different places and times and creatures were slapped together at once. They say that one race built a great city to show their superiority to all other creatures. You know, a bunch of know-it-alls. Anyway, their city had very advanced machines and buildings so tall that they touched the sky. It was built right on the banks of the river, which at that time—according to legend—had not started to slide. Well the story goes that one of their great machines malfunctioned and the river to slide that first time. Of course it wiped out their entire city, so that race is now extinct—which frankly serves them right. Now the river slides back and forth.”

  “Whether it’s true or not, it’s a great story,” Duncan said.

  “Most of the best stories are neither all true nor all fabrication,” Mallory reflected.

  “That makes sense.” Duncan sat down and started unpacking his blanket, feeling suddenly very tired. He rolled himself up in it and went to sleep thinking of one of those steam cars with some place to put his stuff. He saw the two of them zipping along down the road going from city to town to village—seeing the world. Having girls all look at him because he had such a great car. Just having girls…

  * * * *

  Mallory stirred the fire with a stick, bringing the coals up; then he threw on some more wood. As the fire started to blaze he grabbed one of Duncan’s pans and went down to the river to fill it with water. He found a bunch of sweet, young bamboo shoots and pulled them and a fistful of onion grass. He used Duncan’s knife to cut up the vegetation, put it all into the pan and set it on the fire. He looked at Duncan’s chain mail and legging where he’d laid it by the fire pit. At one time it had no doubt been bright and shiny. Now it was burned, tarnished, and soot covered.

  It gave Mallory the glimmer of an idea but it didn’t congeal before it was gone. That sometimes happened to Mallory. An idea came to him in stages. He knew it was a good idea too, just didn’t know quite what it was. It would come to him, though. Some ideas were just too big to be thought up all at once.

  The soup, such as it was, was starting to cook and Mallory saw Duncan sniff the air a couple of times and then sit right up.

  The human rubbed his eyes, and then as if he’d just had a dream about it he asked, “Mallory you didn’t say—how did your card game go?”

  “I won twenty-five coins,” Mallory answered.
Actually he’d won fifty, but he never liked to put all his cards on the table.

  Duncan looked around then and asked in a curious tone, “Where is it?”

  “I could tell you but then I’d have to kill you.” Mallory smiled and stirred the soup with a stick.

  Duncan laughed then said as he stood up, “Who are you kidding? You can’t kill me—that would be violent.”

  “Then I’d better not tell you,” Mallory said with a grin.

  It would be telling a trusted dragon secret to divulge the fact that he had a small pouch behind each of his cheek frills. Dragonologists said the pouches had once held a gland that secreted enzymes for digesting the chunks of buildings one would occasionally swallow while raiding a village. Of course when dragons started to develop tool-using skills there was no longer any need to bite through walls. They could simply pull up a tree and beat a wall in, so the gland was gone, but the pouches were still there and open. The opening to them was inside his mouth and most people didn’t think to look there. Even if they did, they usually thought better of it.

  Still, he needed some place to carry things that wasn’t secret. He’d had a really cool black leather vest that had pockets sewed in under the arms and along the bottom on the inside so that their existence was undetectable to the untrained eye. But he’d had a few bad poker hands in Tarslick that he couldn’t cheat his way out of, and he’d lost the vest.

  He hadn’t left anything he cared about in Tarslick. Except the vest. He’d gambled away almost his last coin there—something that he’d promised himself once already that he’d never do—and now he was having to promise himself the same thing again. This time he hoped he was better about keeping the promise.

  He decided one of the first things he was going to buy with the money they’d won last night was a new vest …with pockets of course.

  “Seriously, where’s the money?” Duncan asked.

  “Well hidden. Let’s just leave it at that. Here’s the thing—you have a pouch with a hundred coins in it, right?”