The Adventures of Duncan & Mallory

by Robert Asprin

  “But honey, anyone who goes up against the dragon is bound to get killed. It’s money in our pocket, I tell you. Our key to financial independence. We’ll cash in and then we’ll move to a town that doesn’t have a dragon problem.”

  “And in the meantime what are we going to eat? Your pie-in-the-sky dreams of wealth and fame. We’ve got most of your worthless family living with us. We don’t have two coins to rub together, and all of them are as allergic to work as you are. How about you get a real job and make some money to feed your family? That dragon slayer he looks like a big sort and you saw his armor—how it’s all charred from dragon fire. They say he’s killed a thousand dragons.”

  “But the mayor will never pay his fee. He’s too tight fisted. And anyone else who fights the beast won’t have a chance.”

  The little girl looked at Mallory with big tears in her eyes. “You will viciously and mercilessly kill anyone who comes against you, won’t you?”

  “I’m not going to kill anyone just so your father can cash in on his bet.”

  “But if he loses his bet we’re all going to starve. There’s no food in our house now.”

  “Look, come on, let’s get out of sight.”

  As soon as the little girl had followed him a safe distance into the woods he turned to her and said, “What is wrong with you kid?! Didn’t anyone ever tell you not to talk to strangers? And you should never, ever, ever follow a stranger into the woods! Are you crazy?”

  The child shrugged.

  “Can you keep a secret?”

  She nodded.

  “I’m a nice dragon, see? I don’t even eat animals. I have trouble eating fish, though I think I’ve finally decided it’s not like eating something cute and furry. But I digress. How about you and me be friends? I help you out; you help me out.”

  “My name is Christina. What’s yours?” she asked.

  He smiled. “Mallory. My name’s Mallory. Christina is a nice name.”

  “Thank you. Mallory’s a nice name, too.”

  “Why thank you. Wait here just a second.” Mallory walked a bit away. He had fifty coins hidden in his cheek pouches, twenty-five on each side. He extracted ten from each to make sure he was still balanced then he walked back to the little girl. “Hold out your hand.”

  She did, and he put the twenty coins into her hand “They’re sort of gooey,” she said, making a face.

  “Hey, kid, never look a gift dragon in the mouth,” Mallory said. “Give those to your dad to go buy groceries. Tell him you found them in the street,” Mallory said. He smiled. “Now remember it’s our secret. Don’t tell anyone that I’m really a nice guy, all right?”

  “All right…. Can you tell me a story?”

  “What?” Mallory asked.

  “Can you tell me a story? Just a little one.”

  Mallory found a rock and sat down and was more than a little surprised when the child sat down on his lap. She wrapped her arms around his neck. He thought for a minute about a story then said, “Once upon a time there were these really good guys named Duncan and Mallory. Their boat broke down before the coldest winter ever. In the town nearest to the place that their boat broke down there was this bad, evil man named Earl….”

  * * * *

  “Like taking candy from a baby,” Bilgewater said, shutting the door to the hotel room they were using as a temporary office. Sadie laughed and started counting all the money, double-checking their books.

  “Odds are six to one against Duncan,” she said.

  “Love those odds. And of course the odds are ten to one against anyone else killing the dragon since Duncan is, of course, a licensed professional.” Bilgewater chuckled.

  “You think Duncan and Mallory know about the betting pool yet?”

  “I doubt it. Duncan is about as observant as a box of rocks, and Mallory.… Well if he’s smart—and I think we both know he is—he’s nowhere near town. Except of course when he’s running through making a racket reminding the town they have to be saved from him.”

  As if he somehow knew they were talking about him, suddenly screams, roars, and utter confusion rose from the streets. Bilgewater ran to the window, pushed back the curtains, threw up the sash, and looked out just in time to see Mallory run around a corner. The dragon set a hitching post on fire.

  Sadie pushed in at his elbow to take a look. “He does a good job of looking really scary, doesn’t he?” she said with admiration.

  “Sadie, that dragon’s gonna make us rich.”

  * * * *

  It was a pretty little town with lots of two story buildings covered in gingerbread, each painted in several different colors. To Bilgewater they looked like fancy candies in a box, each one bright and ornate. It had boarded sidewalks and cobblestone roads. And except for the dragon attacks it was a quite peaceful place. He could get used to a town like this.

  If he could ever get used to being stuck anywhere.

  The mayor pushed onto the porch of the general store, shoving aside the town council to do so. The people in the street were all screaming and yelling. They wanted something done, and they wanted it done right now.

  Bilgewater watched from the edge of the crowd as Duncan appeared in his armor with his sword on, and the crowd got quiet. Assuming the silence was for him Duncan stepped onto the general store porch in front of the mayor and started addressing not the mayor but the citizens.

  “Fair err… Fear not, fair people, for I…for the nominal fee of one hundred coins…will gladly vanquish this foul beast.”

  “Pay the man what he asks!” one man screamed out towards the mayor. And then the whole group jumped in with a chorus of more of the same.

  The mayor whispered to his right hand man then nodded his head, looked at Duncan and said, “The town will gladly pay your fee.”

  “Hold on just a minute there, sir.” A man bigger even than Duncan walked out of the crowd, a crude spear in one hand and a flyer held high in the other. From the look on Duncan’s face he recognized him almost as quickly as Sadie did.

  “Damn, that’s Humphrey,” she said, and started backing up so quickly she ran into Bilgewater. He took hold of her elbow and moved them both into the shadows of the hotel porch where they were out of Humphrey’s line of sight.

  “I saw your poster and have come to slay your dragon. I will gladly do it for the price offered.” Humphrey smiled at Duncan a daring, mean little smile. “Fifty coins seems a good fee to get rid of such a small and insignificant dragon. Why I have slain bigger dragons than him in my sleep.”

  Bilgewater watched Duncan’s expression change from mere worry to open hostility. “I will lower my normal fee and do it for fifty just to save this poor, misguided man from a horrible death!” Duncan yelled out.

  “Tell you what. Whoever kills the dragon first will get the fifty coins,” the mayor said, and this seemed to make everyone happy except Duncan. Of course Bilgewater was none too happy, either.

  “I think that idiot might actually kill Mallory.”

  “What should we do?” Sadie asked.

  “Well, unless I’m wrong, Duncan will go to talk to Mallory. Though he may not be smart enough to figure out what to do about this sudden problem, he is smart enough not to let Humphrey follow him.”

  “I don’t see how that helps,” Sadie said, scratching her head.

  “Here’s what we’re going to do….” Bilgewater whispered his plan to Sadie.

  * * * *

  Duncan sighed and looked behind him. He’d walked around town several times, through and around buildings. He’d even tried hiding in a garbage bin but he hadn’t managed to shake Humphrey.

  The only way this could have been worse was if Humphrey had just pointed right to him and told the town’s people that Duncan and the dragon were friends. That it was all just a huge farce to pull coins from their pockets. Instead this guy wanted in on the action and he wasn’t at all sure that Humphrey wouldn’t kill Mallory for the money.

  He had to get to Mallo
ry and then they had to get out of here—just cut their losses and go—before the whole thing blew up in their faces. Unfortunately, it looked like he was going to have to find some other way to stop Humphrey from following him because he didn’t seem to be able to lose him.

  As he was hiding behind a tree on the outskirts of town trying to come up with a plan Humphrey just walked right up to him.

  “Where you going in such a hurry, Duncan? Someplace you don’t want to be followed? So I’m thinking you’re going to warn your dragon friend, maybe.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Duncan said.

  “Oh come on, your partner, the dragon. This is quite a sweet deal, and I just want in on it.”

  But there was something about his words that didn’t match the way he was holding his body, the way he was clutching his spear.

  “That dragon wasn’t my partner. And this dragon here is the real deal. A big man eater he is, the…”

  “…exact same dragon you were hanging out with when he cheated me out of all my money. You hit me in the head and knocked me unconscious so that you and he could make a clean get away. I don’t forget things like that, my friend.” Whatever act he’d been trying to put on had evaporated.

  “You’re no good at cards for the same reason I’m not. Everyone can see what you’re holding on your face,” Duncan hissed. “You’re a bad card player and a sore loser. You came to our room screaming. What did you expect?” He wasn’t about to tell him that he’d only knocked him out by accident.

  “I am a sore loser. You best remember that. You and your scaly friend owe me money, and I’ll get it back, one way or the other.”

  “Humphrey, old man!” someone yelled out and Humphrey turned.

  Duncan took the opportunity to sneak away. He was almost gone when he recognized Bilgewater and Sadie walking towards Humphrey. Bilgewater caught his eye and winked at him, and Duncan ducked behind the corner of a house to watch.

  “Bilgewater!” From the way he said it, Humphrey was no happier to see Bilgewater than Duncan was to see Humphrey. “I should have known you and your partner would be here. I knew you were working with the dragon and the idiot.”

  Duncan thought Humphrey calling him an idiot should be the definition of the pot calling the kettle black.

  Bilgewater clicked his tongue. “And to think we were going to take you right to him. We’ve been taking bets for days on this fight. If someone who is not Duncan kills the dragon we make even more money than if Duncan kills him. We all know Duncan isn’t going to kill his partner. Come on. I know right where he’s hiding. I’ll take you to him.”

  Bilgewater started leading Humphrey down the road. Since they were going in the direction he and Mallory had made camp Duncan was pretty sure they knew where he was. Duncan was starting to panic when Sadie, who’d hung back from the men, turned around, caught his eye, picked up a small stick, and acted like she was hitting Humphrey in the head with it. Then she pointed at Duncan. Duncan nodded that he understood and started following at a distance. He picked up a big stick and started to close the distance.

  Pretty soon Bilgewater had led Humphrey off the road and was leading him through the woods nowhere near Mallory.

  “Are you sure you know where the dragon is?” Humphrey asked.

  “He’s around here close. I’m sure of it,” Bilgewater said.

  “How close?” Humphrey’s asked suspiciously. Then he added, “Bilgewater, I swear if you’re having me on, I will have your hide.”

  “Of course not, dear boy. We’re very close now. As in we better keep our voices down. That dragon is tricky and he may seem civilized, but he’d just as soon kill you as look at you. We aren’t friends with him, but he isn’t unknown to us. You don’t want to get on his bad side, so you better kill him quick and….”

  Duncan’s stick connected with the back of Humphrey head, making a sick, thudding sound, and Humphrey fell to the ground forming a sort of human puddle.

  * * * *

  Mallory looked from the unconscious, hog-tied man at his feet to the three people who had brought him in and shook his head. “Was this really necessary? Couldn’t you have just talked to him?”

  “He was going to kill you for fifty coins, Mallory!” Duncan said in disbelief.

  “I abhor violence. It’s so unnecessary,” Mallory said, rolling the human at his feet around with his toe. “And messy. What are we going to do with him? He doesn’t go with anything we have.”

  “It’s not funny, Mal. You can complain about me hitting the poor creature later. What are we going to do with him now?” Duncan asked.

  Mallory turned to Sadie and sighed. “Isn’t that what I just said?” He looked at Bilgewater and Sadie and smiled. “I should have known you two were in town when I heard there was a betting pool.” He frowned at them. “One poor man bet his family’s food money and….”

  “Mallory, what are we going to do about Humphrey?” Duncan demanded. “We have to cut our losses and go.”

  “You can’t do that. We’ll lose a fortune,” Bilgewater said.

  “He’s tied up now. How much trouble can he be?” Mallory shrugged. “We go ahead, run our con, and take our piddling fifty-coin reward and go.” Then he rubbed his clawed hands together, looked at Sadie and Bilgewater and said, “While you two take off with all the real money.”

  “Look, we did help you take care of Humphrey.”

  “They did,” Duncan agreed.

  Bilgewater swallowed hard and looked at Sadie. “I suppose we could cut them in for part of the action,” he said, as if it were only slightly less distasteful to him than having his teeth pulled out with a rusty pair of pliers.

  “That seems fair,” Mallory said.

  “I’m thinking…, If everything goes according to plan, we give you and Duncan fifty coins. After all, that’s what Humphrey cost you when he showed up.”

  “Now see here, Bilgewater, there’d be nothing for these people to make book on without us, and that means no money for you, and we’re doing all the work,” Mallory said, letting just a bit of smoke come out his left nostril.

  “But we aren’t biting into your profits. Besides, if it wasn’t for us you might be a dragon shish-kabob right now,” Bilgewater said. “I wasn’t just blowing smoke up Humphrey’s pants. If he’d killed you we would have made a killing—excuse the pun. Most everyone is putting their money on you. A few are putting their money on Duncan, but no one is putting their money on anyone else. Someone besides Duncan kills you and all the money is ours.”

  “That’s mighty big of you,” Mallory said, though it was clear he wasn’t feeling it.

  “What are we going to do about Humphrey? We can’t just keep him tied up,” Duncan said, pointing at the man, who was starting to stir.

  “Why not?” Mallory asked. “We can let him go when we’re done and….” He smiled big. “I just had a great idea.”

  * * * *

  Duncan stumbled back into town, being sure to be seen. A man ran up to him, and he made quite a show of using the fellow for support.

  He could hear people shouting and then someone was ringing the town bell. By the time he reached the porch of the general store most of the town was there.

  The mayor ran right up to him. “What…what happened man?”

  He was expecting the question. After all, Mallory had coated him with mud and hit him with several pomegranates which had left splashes of what looked like blood all over him.

  For answer Duncan pushed away from the man who was supporting him. He stood to his full height and held out Humphrey’s tunic which was torn into shreds and coated in the pomegranate juice. He also held up Humphrey’s spear which was broken in two. He cast his eyes towards the ground.

  “I…I tried to tell him,” Duncan said, working a lump into his throat. “I told him that you can’t just run up on the dragon, but he wouldn’t listen. He wouldn’t and…. He charged right into the cave. I ran after him. He let out a horrible, blood-
curdling scream and then I heard a sound I know all too well—the sound of human bones snapping as the dragon chewed. I tried to help, but the dragon hit me with his tail and knocked me out of the cave. I fell behind a clump of shrubs, and I guess I hit my head on a rock. When I woke up the dragon was gone, and all I found of Humphrey were these.” He thought he said it with just the right amount of sadness for his fallen comrade. “If only he’d listened to me. You can’t just run up on a dragon like that. You have to sneak up on them, get the upper hand. I knew he was no dragon slayer because I’d never seen him at any of the meetings. I guess I should have told you but…well, I knew you’d think I wanted the job for myself. He was a noble tinkerer, but only a tinkerer, not a warranted, licensed professional.” He paused for effect. “A great elm has fallen in the forest. We are all less of what we once were because of this terrible loss.”

  Then he picked his head up looking at the mayor and said, “This dragon is a strong and tricky one. Never before have I faced such a horrible foe, but now I feel I must kill him or die trying, to avenge the blood of this good, brave man who died so stupidly, but valiantly as well.”

  “Son, if you kill this dragon for us we will gladly pay your fee of one hundred coins,” the mayor said, patting him on the back. “A moment of silence for the stranger the dragon ate.”

  The town’s folk all bowed their heads.

  * * * *

  “Oh, he’s good,” Sadie said.

  “Come on. We better go open up for business. Something tells me that a whole lot of people are going to start making or adding to their bets,” Bilgewater said. Together they walked back to their room, being careful not to skip with joy.

  Bilgewater couldn’t help a slight chuckle, “A great elm has fallen in the forest. Where does he come up with such absolute tripe?”

  “I thought it was a beautiful sentiment, and if you think about it, it fits.”

  “How so?”

  “Well Humphrey is as big as a tree and every bit as dense.”

  * * * *

  Mallory was getting a little worried about the jerk, so he poured some water on his head to wake him up. The guy spit some and slurred a few word-like sounds. His eyes opened and then closed. Then he tried to roll over on his back, which he really couldn’t do because they had him trussed up like a pig.