Christmas Chaos

by Meredith Costain

  I CAN’T WAIT for Christmas Eve. And guess what? Zoe and I (and Bob) are going to enter the Pets and their Owners competition. We’ll win for sure!

  Wednesday night

  Hey there, Diary,

  Today was exceptionally excellent!

  Zoe and I made a sand mermaid out of stuff we collected on the beach. And a lady came along and said it was the most beautifullest sand sculpcher sculpture she had ever seen.

  And then she took a photo of it for the local paper.

  We are going to be

  Love,

  (Celebrity) Ella

  Thursday night

  Dear Diary,

  Today has NOT been exceptionally excellent.

  It rained. All day. WITHOUT STOPPING.

  So we were stuck inside our caravan FOR THE WHOLE DAY doing boring family things, like playing charades and cards and board games that are so old they have dinosaur drool on them.

  Even the spiders on the ceiling above Dad’s bed (who were waiting for it to be night-time so they could drop down and play hide-and-seek in his new holiday beard—eww) looked bored.

  Dad kept smiling at Mum and saying in a jolly voice, ‘This is fun, isn’t it, kids?’ or, ‘I’m SO glad it’s raining, we never get to do lovely, fun family stuff like this all together!’

  When he was probably sek secretly wishing it would stop raining so we would all go off to the beach for the day to frollick frolic in the waves and he could go fishing with his best mates, Wally and Davo.

  I was just about to start climbing the walls when there was a knock on the door.

  Everyone (including especially Bob) looked at the door hopefully in case it was someone exciting like a pizza delivery person.

  The Bad News

  It wasn’t.

  The Good News

  It was Zoe. Yay!

  We went out to our annexe so we could talk privetly privately without Olivia flapping her big ears and listening in. This is what we said:

  Me (yawning): I am SO BORED.

  Zoe (yawning back): Same.

  Me: My dad is making my head explode.

  Zoe: So is my mum.

  Me (sighing resignedly): But what can we do about it? Everything is hopelessly hopeless.

  Zoe (her eyes going all shiny like the star on the top of a Christmas tree): That’s what I came to tell you. Mum and I went to the library to get some books so we didn’t die deadifying deaths from being bored and guess what!

  Me: There was an internationally famous movie director there who wants us to star in his next movie?

  Zoe: Nope. Guess again.

  Me: Cassi Valentine is being dropped into Moonlight Bay by helicopter to sing carols at the Christmas Eve concert and wants me to do a duet with her?

  Zoe: Nope. Guess again.

  Me: The librarians have all turned into flesh-eating zombies and are chasing everyone around the library saying ‘Brains! Brains!’?

  Zoe: Nope. Guess again.

  By now I was starting to get a bit twitchy from all that guessing so I said to Zoe, ‘I give up, just tell me.’

  And Zoe said there was going to be a new art and craft class called Krafty Kids Klub at the library tomorrow morning at 10 o’clock. And she’d signed us both up to be Krafty Kids.

  And I said to Zoe, ‘Are you JOKING??

  You’ve signed us up for something called Krafty Kids Klub? What if I don’t want to be a Krafty Kid? What if the Klub is full of kindy kids with sticky hands doing BABY stuff for BABIES? Bleuchhh.’

  And then Zoe agreed the name was bleuchhh to the power of 100, but the librarian said that the teacher was aMAZing. And that we would all be making fabulous craft stuff, which would be PERFECT for Christmas presents. (Which reminded me there are still a few people I need to get Christmas presents for.)

  I looked out at the sky and it was STILL RAINING. What if it was raining again tomorrow? And the tomorrow after that? And for the WHOLE REST OF THE TOMORROWS OF OUR CHRISTMAS BEACH HOLIDAY?!!!

  And then I thought about all these long, sad, gloomerous, desolate rainy days stretching endlessly ahead of me, where I had to sit in a leaky, creaky caravan playing ancient bored board games with my boring family.

  So instead of getting into a big snoot with Zoe about signing me up for the Krafty Kids Klub WITHOUT MY PERMISSION, I said, ‘Oh good, thanks, Zoe, you’re the best, I can’t wait.’

  G’night, Diary.

  PS Here’s a poem I wrote about rain, in between playing exciting games of Go Fish and Snap.

  Friday, after dinner

  Dear Diary,

  There is just so much to tell you, I don’t know where to start. So I’ll do what my lovely teacher Ms Weiss always says we should do when we’re writing a report:

  ‘Begin at the beginning and keep going until you get to the end.’

  WARNING: Some of this next bit might be a bit distressing. You have been warned.

  I woke up bright and early thinking maybe today will be a lovely summery, sunful day after all, and we can forget Krafty Kids Klub ever existed and go to the beach and do normal everyday beach stuff, like watching crabs in the rock pools or burying Olivia up to her neck in sand so she can’t try to follow us everywhere and listen in to our secret conversations EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY.

  But no. It was not lovely and sunful. It was raining and gloomerous.

  So I put on my raincoat and then Mum’s raincoat, in case mine leaked, and then Dad’s raincoat over the top of that in case Mum’s leaked, and got ready to go to Kiddyland Krafty Kids Klub with Zoe.

  I was just walking out the door when Mum called me back and said that Olivia wanted to come too. She had that look on her face that mums sometimes get which says there is absolutely NO POINT in arguing with them because you will NEVER WIN. Not even if you use all your S.P.O.P.*

  * S.P.O.P. stands for Secret Powers of Persuasion, like offering to do extra jobs around the house or doing something you normally wouldn’t ever do, like letting your annoying little sister borrow your stuff. Especially your best glitter pens.

  Other people can use it too just by putting the first initial of their name at the front. So mine is E.S.P.O.P. and Zoe’s is Z.S.P.O.P.

  Sometimes life is so EXASPERATERING, Diary!

  Not only did I have to go to a craft class that was (probably) full of little kids making stuff out of toilet-paper rolls,

  and colouring outside the edges

  and flicking paint at each other,

  I had to take Olivia with me as well.

  WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

  But that wasn’t the WORSEREST thing to happen to me today.

  There were lots of much more badder worse things than that.

  Firstly, we were late.

  REASONS WHY WE WERE LATE

  Olivia was still eating her breakfast when she said she wanted to come too, so I had to sit there staring huffily out the window while I waited for her to finish.

  Olivia kept changing her mind about what she was going to wear.

  We were finally on our way (with Zoe) when Olivia said she had to run back to our caravan because she’d forgotten something. And then on the way she slipped over in the slippery wet grass. And cut her finger on a bit of tin. (Probably the same bit of tin that made Jimmy Pappas’s foot turn black and nearly get cut off. Eww.) And then Bob ran out and tried to lick it better. (Her finger, not the bit of tin.) And then Zoe and I had to stand there waiting while Mum put a bandaid on it. In the rain. We will probably both get new moanya newmonia a nasty disease that makes your lungs fall off.

  While we were walking to the library Olivia kept complaining in this really whiny voice that her raincoat was leaking so we had to stop AGAIN so I could take off one of my raincoats and give it to her before all that whining made my head explode.

  My head exploded.**

  ** This didn’t actually happen but it could have.

  So anyway, by the time we FINALLY arrived at the library, Krafty Kids Klub had already started.
/>   The good news

  It wasn’t ALL kindy-aged kids. There were a few other kids there the same age as Zoe and me.

  The bad, so Horrifyingly Horrible I almost can’t write it down, news

  You are not going

  Friday night, a bit later

  Sorry, Diary,

  Some boys were playing soccer in the dark outside our caravan and they tripped over our electricity cable and it came out of its socket and all the power went off.

  Everyone SCREAMED!

  Especially Dad and Olivia.

  But then Mum went outside and fixed the cable and the light went back on, so now I can go back to telling you about the HH* thing.

  * HH = Horrifyingly Horrible.

  So, there we were—me, Zoe and Olivia—standing in the doorway in a giganterous puddle made by the rivers of water running off our raincoats. All the other kids were sitting at tables busily making snow domes out of old jam jars and little plastic Christmas trees and snowmen and mountains of glitter.

  Olivia pointed to one of the tables and said, ‘Look, Ella, aren’t they your friends, Jessie and Ana?’

  And then Jessie and Ana looked up right at that moment and saw us standing in the doorway looking like drowned meerkats.

  And guess who was sitting between them, with a big sneery smirk all over her smirky sneery face?

  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

  My theory about the 7.29 billion people must have been wrong. Peach is in Moonlight Bay.

  And if she’s sitting with Jessie and Ana, that means she must be that ‘nice, funny girl’ staying at the big new resort with the swimming pool and drinks with little umbrellas in them who Ana said I WOULD LOVE.

  There is NO WAY in the whole wild world I am EVER going to love Perfect Princess Peach Parker. Even if you offered to give me a lifetime voucher for triple-decker choc peanut fudge gelato from the Gelato Shop, any time I wanted, I STILL couldn’t do it.**

  ** Though I must admit an offer like that would be EXTREMELY temptifying.

  And then this weird lady with a calm smile and little plaits all over her head (and the most UN-stylish outfit I have EVER seen in my ENTIRE LIFE) came over to us. She told us her name was Andromeda Moonbeam and then she said, ‘Quickly, girls, take off those wet raincoats before you catch new moanya newmonia (you know the word I mean) and come and sit down at this nice table here.’ And then she pointed to an empty table that was RIGHT BESIDE Jessie and Ana and (that girl). So then THEY all started nudging each other and rolling their eyes and doing pretending-to-be-sick movements, only behind their hands so the calmly-smiling lady couldn’t see them.

  So I whispered to Zoe, ‘Let’s just leave right now.’ And Zoe whispered back, ‘You bet, I’m out of here.’

  But then Olivia said in this really loud whiny voice that EVERYONE in the room (and probably the room next door) could hear, ‘But you PROMISED I could come with you to Krafty Kids Klub and if you don’t stay I’m going to tell Mum!’

  Sometimes Olivia is so annoying she makes my

  And then I thought about having to trudge through puddles all the way back to the caravan again in the leaky raincoats, past danj dangerous pieces of tin. And what Mum would say to me when we got there.

  And then I thought, making cute little snow domes out of jam jars and glitter actually looks kind of fun. Plus a snow dome would make an EXCELLENT Christmas present for Nanna Kate.

  So I agreed to stay. On one two conditions:

  That we could find another table to sit at that was NOT next to my ex-BFF and ex-SBFFs.

  Olivia had to promise cross her heart hope to die to keep quiet and not be annoying or even THINK about being noisy or annoying.

  Fortunately we were able to find a very small table behind some cupboards.

  Unfortunately there was already someone sitting at it. A boy called Eduardo, who had an extremely bad sniffing problem. Eww. But at least we were a LONG way away from YKW.***

  *** YKW = You Know Who

  Andromeda Moonglow came back over and gave us a sheet of rainbow-coloured paper with printed instructions on it for how to make a snow dome. It looked easy-peasy.

  Except by the time we got to the Supplies Table to pick up our supplies, there was hardly anything left. All the other Krafty Kids had grabbed the best stuff. Olivia looked like she was about to start blubbing again so I let her have the last little plastic Christmas tree.

  And then when Andromeda Starbright wasn’t looking, Zoe and I raided the Supplies Cupboard and found a box of cool-looking plastic dinosaurs. So we decided to use a couple of those for our Christmas snow dome scenes instead.

  DINOSAURS in the SNOW. ZOW-EE!

  The next thing I needed to get for our snow domes was my most favouritest kraft craft product of all time. Glitter!

  There was a big jar of it on the Supplies Table. I was carefully ladling enough glitter for me and Zoe and Olivia out of the jar and into a plastic cup when someone accidentally on purpose bumped my arm as she walked past.

  Glitter fluttered up into the air and swirled around swirlingly.

  It was just like being inside a giganterous snow dome!

  And then everyone started sneezing. Especially Eduardo.

  ‘Oopsies!’ whispered Peach, right into my ear. Her eyes glittered evilously, like an evilous cat just before it pounces on a sweet little mouse. Then she kept walking right on past, like nothing had even happened.

  I sneaked a look over at Jessie and Ana and they were secretly giving her big thumbs-up signs. But before I could say anything, Andromeda Starwalker came running over with a broom and dustpan and said, ‘Oh dear, looks like we have a Klumsy Klogs in our Klass!’ and then all the other Krafty Kids started laughing and pointing at me and singing, ‘Klumsy Klogs, Klumsy Klogs.’

  which was really mean and hurtifying, because it WasN’T even my

  It’s so not fair, Diary. It doesn’t matter where I go. Peach Parker will always be there to RUIN MY LIFE.

  Yours, in desperating

  desperation,

  Ella

  Saturday morning

  Still raining.

  Saturday, before lunch

  Still raining.

  Saturday, after lunch

  Still raining.

  Mum and Dad and Olivia and Max have all gone to the Kids Komedy Kapers Klub at the library. They’re going to watch funny cartoons and movies and eat buckets of tasty, mouth-watering, scrumptious hot buttery popcorn. I LOVE popcorn. But no way am I ever going back to that library ever again. Ever. I am too distraught. So distraught that even if you rounded up a whole herd of wild horses unicorns, with silvery manes and tales tails, and sparkly hooves, and ordered them to drag me there, I STILL wouldn’t go.

  I’m going to stay up here on my cosy bunk with Bob (and some yummy treats that Mum thoughtfully provided) and write some lovely artistical and heartfelt poems for everyone’s Christmas cards instead.

  Love,

  Ella xoxo

  Monday night

  Dear Diary,

  Guess what? It finally STOPPED RAINING!!!

  Dad got to go fishing with his mates, Wally and Davo, on their boat. Max and Olivia went too. Mum said she couldn’t go because she had some ‘special errands’* to run.

  * Running ‘special errands’ is what mums tell their families they are doing when anyone with even a tiny brain knows they are actually going to a big shopping centre to get their hair done or have green goo rubbed all over their face by a lady with purple fingernails. Bleuchhh.

  I didn’t want to go fishing because:

  I don’t like doing anything that means you have to see dead things or touch slimy things like worms. Eww.

  I needed to have another Emergency Meeting with Zoe.

  So I stayed behind with Zoe and Zoe’s mum and Bob and we all (but mainly Bob) ate toasted tinned sardine and peanut butter sandwiches for lunch.**

  ** Zoe’s mum has VERY pakoolyar perkulier original ideas about food combinations. Which i
s why Zoe likes to spend A LOT of time at my place.

  After that, we took Bob for a nice relaxing walk to the Moonlight Bay Op Shop to see if we could find some winning outfits for the Christmas Eve Fancy Dress Parade.

  Unfortunately for Bob the ainsh ancient ladies who work in the Op Shop wouldn’t let him come in to try anything on. So he had to wait outside while we rummaged happily through the Bargain Bin for Bargains.