Future Queens of England

by Ryan Matthews

  The toilets were, as he expected, teeming with people all waiting to relieve themselves. He stood near the entrance with his back to the wall as he got his bearings. He looked around at the dark red walls, he noticed a mural painted on them; he was pleased to have somewhere to focus his eyes. He stared at the mural as his brain tried to work out the pattern, suddenly something clicked and the shapes took form. He realised he was staring a little too hard on a mural of a Roman orgy with a distinct lack of women, Tony instantly averted his gaze. His eyes darted back and forth looking for a less suggestive focal point, but he realised quickly that he was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Giving up, he watched the men in front of him jostling each other at the urinals and instantly his breathing quickened. He decided that the cubicles might be safer and side stepped over to the queue waiting to use them. He kept telling himself to calm down and that he had nothing to worry about. He joined the back of the queue and began the longest wait of his life. It seemed like he was there for an eternity waiting for his opportunity to reach the safety of the private cubicles. As he stood there in the slowly moving queue paranoia started to take hold, he felt as though everyone was watching him and he flinched whenever someone brushed past him.

  Finally, and not before time, a door opened, he waited just long enough for him to squeeze past the former occupant without actually touching him. He slammed the door shut behind him and rested his back against it as he breathed a huge sigh of relief.

  What was happening to him? he thought; he used to be fearless, but these were exceptional circumstances, he told himself. Tony turned and squinted in the dim light, looking for the lock on the cubicle door. Putting his hand inside his shirt and using it as a barrier, he gently pushed the locking bolt into place. The stall was remarkably clean all things considered, no graffiti and nothing really vandalised except for a couple of holes in the adjoining cubicle walls.

  He walked over to the toilet and kicked up the seat, he did a double take at the underside of the toilet lid. On it he could see the Phantom drawn in black marker pen. He bent forward as much as he dared and scrutinised the figure, it looked absolutely identical to the one on his sheet, on the wall of laundry room and also on the hockey sticks.

  It has to be the same person doing these, he thought, but what do they mean?

  At a loss for an adequate explanation he fumbled with his fly and began to urinate, the relief was amazing as his stretched bladder decreased in size. He emptied himself directly into the water and took some pleasure in the sound of water hitting water. It took his mind away from the pig's ear that he was making of the night out there.

  Could the night get any worse? he thought to himself and closed his eyes for a moment.

  He finished the job in hand and gave himself a little shake, a couple of droplets of urine flicked onto his hand. He tutted and turned to get some toilet paper to wipe himself. He reached down to the underside of the circular toilet paper dispenser for the end of the tissue, but he couldn't feel anything hanging down. He looked carefully at the contraption and could see the toilet roll inside through the small plastic window. He bent over and reached inside putting his hand into the drum. He could feel the roll of paper with the ends of his fingers, and he gently rotated it as he felt for the end piece. As he did this he felt something brush against the top of his head, instinctively he ran the palm of his free hand over the top of his head. His knuckles pushed something warm away momentarily before it rested again on the top of his head. Out of curiosity he tipped his head back to see what it was. His eyes attempted to focus momentarily on a protrusion from the cubicle wall and then suddenly the realisation came over him. Tony yelped and flung himself back away from the veined, throbbing protrusion as quickly as he could, the wall of the cubicle shook violently as his body banged against it. As he did so his hand was wrenched out of the toilet paper dispenser and he felt a searing pain as the serrated metal edge grazed the back of his hand.

  “Arrghhh, you bastard,” Tony cursed loudly.

  His neighbour in the adjoining cubicle hearing this obviously realised something was wrong and retracted himself immediately. Tony watched the huge erect cock disappear as he hyperventilated and tried to focus. What should I do? Fight or flight? Go after him and teach him a lesson or just wait in here and hide until I'm sure that it is safe to leave? After a moment or two he decided on the latter.

  After an inordinate amount of time had passed Tony felt it was safe to leave. Gingerly he opened the door, flinching as the next occupant moved forward expectantly to use the toilet. Tony slipped out nervously, his back against the opened door. Breathing heavily he made his way as quickly as possible out of the toilets. As soon as he got out he walked to a safe distance and leant up against the wall and attempted to gather his thoughts.

  “You were in there a while,” a voice said.

  Alarmed Tony looked to see where the voice was coming from. Next to him was Belinda.

  “What were you doing in there?” she said inquisitively.

  Tony tried to answer but choked on his words as he tried to force them out as quickly as possible. “Nothing! Nothing! I wasn't doing nothing in there,” he said finally finding his voice.

  She smiled, “You weren't doing ‘nothing’ in there?” She squinted her eyes in concentration, “That's a double negative isn't it? So that means that you were doing something.” She smirked as she waited for Tony to respond.

  “Well, technically I was doing something. I just went for a piss, but I wasn't doing anything...you know ...” he said sheepishly his sentence trailing off.

  “No, I don't know,” Belinda said flatly, “please elaborate for me.”

  “You know...I wasn't doing anything sexual,” Tony whispered trying to keep his voice down.

  She laughed, “I know, I was just pulling your leg.” Belinda touched Tony's arm playfully, “Come on, I'll let you buy me a drink.” She walked towards the bar and Tony followed.

  They ordered their drinks and stood awkwardly together at the bar silently. Their drinks were duly served but still neither of them spoke.

  Finally Belinda couldn't take the oppressive silence any longer, “Seriously what were you thinking back there?” she said.

  Tony's eyes were like saucers, “Where? In the toilets?”

  Belinda shook her head, “No back at the table.”

  “Oh,” Tony said with relief. “Look I just wanted to pull tonight that's all,” Tony explained.

  “By pretending to be gay?” she replied in disbelief.

  Tony scratched his head in embarrassment, “Well, yeah sort of.”

  “Enlighten me. I really don't follow your plan,” Belinda said keeping her eyes fixed on Tony as she gently drank from her glass.

  Tony blushed, “I suppose I thought that we'd just have a chat, and a few drinks, then you'd let your guard down, and you know, one thing would lead to another.”

  “So let me get this straight. You decided that you'd pretend to be gay so that I'd talk to you, then you'd get me so drunk so that I'd forget you were gay, then you'd take advantage of me?” she said staring at Tony.

  Tony looked behind her at the fire exit sign for a moment, but realised he'd look ridiculous making a run for it. “Look, I hadn't thought it through that far. I was just sort of winging it a little.”

  “I see,” she said knocking back her drink. “In that case you'd better buy me another drink so you can see your plan through,” she said coquettishly. She pushed herself closer to Tony until her breasts rested on his arm.

  “Oh,” Tony wheezed in a high pitched moan as he realised what was going on, he fumbled frantically in his pocket to get his wallet out. “Another drink for the lady,” he shouted eagerly over at the barman. He grinned at Belinda, it was funny, he thought, sometimes when things seemed to be going so badly for him they took a massive unexpected U-turn. He always loved the feeling when fate smiled at him as he was drowning and decided to rescue him.

  As her drink arrived she pick
ed it up and led Tony by the hand to a secluded corner, “So come on then. It's that time of the evening where you lull me into a false sense of security.”

  “Thank you,” Tony whispered to the universe or to fate or whatever it was as he was pulled along by Belinda.

  Outside of the building the music from the club could still be heard wildly pounding away like there was no tomorrow. In a perverse symmetry, so were Tony's hips as he bent Belinda over the retaining wall behind the club and beat out his own rhythm against the back of her willing thighs.

  Chapter Seventeen

  “Morning!” Tony sang as he danced into the dormitory throwing out hot bacon butties wrapped in grease proof paper at his room-mates as they lay in their beds. “Wake up, it's a beautiful morning. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and my ball bag is empty! What a wonderful day!”

  Keenan raised himself up and reached out to move his curtains so he could look out of the window. “Tony it's raining,” he said grumpily, “and I can't hear any birds singing.”

  “Well, two out of three ain't bad Keenan my old mucker,” Tony chirped. “Go on have another butty,” he said as he threw another one onto Keenan's bed. It skidded off his duvet and landed on the floor.

  Uwe sat up and removed his sleep mask from his eyes. “What are you so happy about?” he said peering at Tony.

  The others began to stir, and one by one they sat up in bed.

  “That's a good question. What are you so happy about? The last time we saw you, you were skulking off to the toilet,” Gareth croaked as he wiped the sleep from his eyes.

  Tony grinned from ear to ear, “You want to know? Then I'll tell you. Old Tony boy struck gold last night. The drought is over. Last night I finally got to bury Tone's bone. Go on have a bacon butty to celebrate.” He threw another hot parcel at Gareth's bed.

  “What? You got lucky, even after the complete balls-up you made with the girls?” Gareth uttered in disbelief.

  Tony winked at Gareth, “Got it in one matey. That Belinda was a right old goer and she was desperate for a piece of Tony's prime rib.”

  “Oh Jesus!” Keenan cried. “You're putting me off my butty,” he said with a mouthful of food.

  “Sorry,” Tony laughed. “I just wanted to thank you guys for your help last night. And what better way to say thanks than with some nice hot butties.”

  “Chuck another one over here,” Hugh shouted. “So what was she like?” he said as he eagerly unwrapped his butties.

  Tony's face beamed, “She was dirty! And I mean dirty! I've been with some real filthy girls, but last night she took the biscuit.”

  “No, no!” Giles said with a grimace. “Leave it out.”

  Hugh looked a little disappointed. He looked over at Marc's empty bed, “Hey Giles, where's Marc? It doesn't look like his bed's been slept in.”

  “That's right he didn't sleep in it,” Giles said.

  Hugh groaned, “Yes, I know that. I mean he came back from the club with you, but obviously went out again. Did he go out drinking afterwards?”

  “Oh, I see what you mean. When he got back he just packed his bags and I think he went home to see his parents straight away or something,” he added vaguely.

  “Well, I suppose there was no point putting it off.”

  “You can have Marc's butties Tony,” Giles declared.

  Tony shook his head and patted his stomach, which was already a lot flatter then when he'd first arrived here. “No way, I'm on a diet. Now I've tasted the sweet rewards of getting in shape. I will mould myself into an irresistible cad and I need you guys to keep on helping me. So, no junk food for me.”

  “What are you doing up so early Tony?” Gareth asked looking at his bedside clock.

  “I wanted to go for a run and visit the gym before class this morning. I told you I am taking this fitness regime seriously,” he said enthusiastically.

  “You're making me tired just listening to you,” Hugh said as he pushed the last of the bacon roll into his mouth.

  “So when will we be going to the gay bar again?” Tony asked tentatively. He looked at his shoes unable to make eye contact with anyone.

  Gareth beamed, “Sorry Tony. Could you repeat the question?” He winked slowly at Keenan.

  Tony blushed, “I said, when will we be going to the gay bar again? Will we be going again this week?”

  Keenan decided to join in here, this was too good an opportunity to pass up. “We're going again next Friday, but you don't want to come really do you?” He pursed his lips in order to stifle his titters.

  Tony scratched his head in frustration. “Yes. I'd like to come with you,” he said almost inaudibly.

  “You'll have to speak up Tony, my ears are still ringing from the music last night. I thought that you said that you really wanted to go to the gay club again because you had so much fun there,” Keenan teased.

  “Oh piss off! “ Tony said with a smile and decided to give in to their little joke. “I would really like to go to the gay club with you poofters if I may,” he said loudly with a wobble of his head. “There! Happy?”

  They all cheered Tony.

  “Yes you can come. We wouldn't want to leave you out now would we?” Keenan chuckled. “Right, fun's over. I'm first to use the bathroom,” and with that he swung his legs out of the bed and stepped onto a bacon butty.

  Later that week they made their way down to the classroom ready to receive another lesson from Ben.

  “Good morning, good morning, my nearest, dearest and queerest,” Ben greeted in his normal way. “How are we all today? No need to answer, the question was purely rhetorical,” he said as he fished in his man-bag for a CD. He removed it from his bag, placed it in the hi-fi and switched it on. “So, today we are going to work on our dance moves,” he said and performed a small pirouette before bowing to the class.

  “Ballet?” exclaimed Tony.

  Ben stopped and shook his head, “No Tony. Not ballet, even I am not so deluded that I think I can teach ballet to a football hooligan.”

  Tony started to protest but Ben ignored him. “Today we'll be learning some dance moves to equip you at the clubs. As I told you before, having the right moves is essential.” He paced before the class again as he delivered his lecture. “When you are on that dance floor you are like a peacock screeching ‘look at me, look at me.’ So if you dare to demand their attention then you must deliver something worthy.” He fell silent to let his words sink in and looked at the class with a steely glare. His eyes moved across the class like a search light. A series of audible gulps could be heard as he made eye contact with members of his class. Suddenly he clapped his hands together loudly and several of the students flinched.

  “Everybody up, let's put on a little music and see what moves you've got. Just start dancing and do whatever feels natural,” Ben commanded as he pushed the play button.

  The class got to their feet quickly and threw their cushions to the periphery of the room. The music started to play and a rhythm filled the room.

  “I'll draw the curtains,” Ben said as he walked to each of the windows and shut them tightly. The room became darker and began to feel more like a small club than a classroom.

  The students stood there motionless waiting for someone else to be the first to start dancing.

  “Oh yeah,” Ben cooed sensuously, “feel the rhythm.” He began to dance slowly, “Listen to the beat. Let your body lose control.” He closed his eyes and shook himself, wiggling his fingers and kicking out his legs as if shedding a layer of skin.

  They all watched as their mentor began his routine. They took a few steps back and formed a circle around Ben. He swung his hips and arms in time to the beat, building up the dance slowly. Carefully adding layer upon layer, increasing the complexity of the routine. He danced like a man possessed, delivering move after killer move and never repeating himself.

  “My god,” Keenan said completely in awe with his mouth open, “this man is amazing!”

  “
Then seize the opportunity and dance with me,” Ben said fixing his gaze on Keenan and throwing out his right arm and pointing at him.

  Keenan grinned and lunged into the centre of the circle. He watched Ben carefully and tried to imitate some of his moves.

  “Don't try to copy me yet Keenan, I just want to assess your own moves and your natural talent at this point.”

  Keenan nodded and relaxed a little, he stopped moving for a moment as he waited for a beat he could pick up. When the beat came he threw his arms in the air, brought up his knee and tipped his head back. He spun one hundred and eighty degrees on his left foot as he brought his arms down and moved his whole body in time to the music.

  “Bravo!” Ben shouted over the music. “Uwe, you're next!”

  Uwe nodded and removed his wrist watch. He carefully placed it on a table behind him making a show that he wasn't to be rushed. The group watched him closely as he walked slowly to the centre of the circle and without any warning he launched into a series of flawless moves that even made Ben lose his rhythm as he looked on.

  From the sidelines Hugh began to sweat. Oh shit, he said to himself and pulled at the neck of his shirt.

  The group continued to watch Uwe out-dance Keenan as his body shook and his limbs moved like bottled lightning. Ben upped his game as he matched Uwe move for move, but his smile had faltered slightly.

  “Everyone join us!” Ben ordered as he wiped the sweat from his brow.

  The rest of the class except for Tony and Hugh took steps forward and started to display their moves. Ben seized this opportunity to leave the circle and take a quick sip of water from a bottle in his bag. Once he had refreshed himself he walked over and opened a few of the windows. As he walked towards the back of the room he noticed Tony and Hugh standing motionless.