Future Queens of England

by Ryan Matthews

  The girls leant forward.

  “No, you can talk to us. We can probably help you, go on tell us about your problems,” the girl to his left urged him.

  “Oh alright then, if you insist,” Tony leant closer to them. “Anyway like I said, lately I keep having dreams about women. You know, dirty dreams.” He took another sip from his glass.

  “Really?” the attractive girl opposite him said, “and have you even been with a woman?”

  “Never!” Tony said, “but I keep having these recurring dreams and even during the day I can't shake them.”

  “What are these dreams?” one of the girls said breathlessly.

  “Well, right at the beginning of the dream I kiss a girl and do you know what?” he said carefully teasing them.

  “No? What?”

  “It was electrifying, like nothing I have ever known before,” he said wistfully. He stopped speaking and closed his eyes, he gently ran his tongue over his lips.

  The good looking girl across from him leant over the table, “Haven’t you even kissed a woman before?”

  Tony shook his head, “No,” he said sadly, “and I guess I never will.”

  She paused for a moment before looking him in the eye, “You could kiss me if you like,” she said. She bit her lip coyly, her friends' eyes bounced between her and Tony. “You know, just so you can try it.”

  Tony fixed his stare onto her, “Are you serious? You'd do that for me?”

  She slid her hand across the table and took Tony's. She caressed it gently, “I wouldn't mind at all.”

  Tony allowed himself the smallest of smiles, “I'm scared to try it, but somehow I must find the courage.” He stood up and came around to her side of the table, she made room for him and he sat down. “Close your eyes then,” he whispered.

  Her friends stared on in a hushed silence, as she gently wet her lips and closed her eyes. Tony took a deep breath and looked at her friends for support.

  “Go on,” one of them said impatiently waving her hands at Tony.

  The others nodded in agreement.

  “Okay here goes,” Tony said quietly as he pushed his lips against hers. He breathed in the scent from her cheek and concentrated on the plump, softness of her red lips as he tried to visualise them in his head. She moved her hand onto the back of his neck and pulled him in closer. He tasted her lipstick and something within him moved. Her friends watched on, agog, their mouths open in disbelief. They tried to hide their girlish titters as they nudged each other gently.

  Eventually, the girl pulled away from Tony's kiss. She opened her eyes slowly and dreamily, “Was that nice?”

  Tony grinned broadly, “It was even better than I ever dreamt.”

  She smiled and her face lit up. She took a quick sip from her glass and made brief eye contact with her friends, just to gauge their reaction and to gain some reassurance.

  Seizing the moment, Tony spoke again. “Do you want to know what else I dreamed about?”

  “Tell me,” she whispered, her pupils dilating.

  Bruce, Keenan, Hugh, Giles and Gareth were chatting animatedly amongst themselves when Gareth was tapped on the shoulder. He turned around and a look of surprise appeared on his face.

  “Hi guys, having a good night are we?” the soft voice said warmly with an unusually relaxed tone.

  “L, L, Louise,” Gareth stuttered and nudged Bruce with his elbow. “What are you doing here?”

  Louise frowned for a moment, wondering why Gareth was acting strangely.

  “Are you here with friends?” Gareth said nudging Bruce again, but Bruce stood still, frozen to the spot.

  She shook her head, “No, no. I just came by myself.”

  “Oh, I see. Do you often go to gay night clubs by yourself?” Gareth said with a gulp.

  Louise was slightly taken aback by this direct form of questioning, and her tone changed. “You're acting strangely tonight, Gareth. Is there a problem?”

  “No, no, no. Definitely not, no problem at all,” he said as beads of sweat started to appear on his forehead. He pushed Bruce a little harder.

  Suddenly, Bruce realised what all the nudging and pushing was about, and surreptitiously tried to side step away from them.

  Immediately, Louise noticed this, “Where are you sneaking off to Bruce?” she said irritably.

  Bruce froze in his tracks.

  “Look, why is everyone acting so strangely?” She was greeted by silence. “Oh, okay it's like that is it?” She turned and walked away from them.

  Gareth looked at Keenan, “What are we going to do?”

  “Go after her,” Keenan said quickly, pointing towards Louise as she stomped towards the bar.

  “Go on then,” Hugh said urging Gareth to deal with the fall out.

  “Louise!” Gareth called, trying to be heard over the sound of the music, “Louise!” he called again. He pushed his way through the throng of people as he chased after her. “Louise,” he said putting his hand onto her shoulder.

  She turned to face him, “What?”

  “I assume that you're here to see Tony,” he said.

  She blinked several times, “What makes you say that?”

  “Intuition,” he said uneasily with a shrug. “Tony's over there with some girls.”

  “So what?” Louise said defensively. “He's a free agent isn't he?”

  Gareth scratched his head, “Well, yes he is. But I thought...” he trailed off. Louise waited for him to finish his sentence, but Gareth was lost for words. She sighed wearily, “Since someone has obviously made a decision to be completely direct tonight and do away with English pleasantries, I'll be direct with you too.” She composed herself and then began, “I like Tony and I have come here tonight specifically to see Tony outside of business hours. So, if you could tell me where he is I would really appreciate it.”

  Gareth pointed, “He's over there.”

  Louise craned her neck and saw Tony. He was seated with a gaggle of girls who were in fits of flirtatious giggles. She instinctively scowled and then made her way over to them. As she approached the table she stopped in disbelief. Tony was feeling one of the girl’s breasts. Then after a moment of careful contemplation he moved onto the next girl and gently felt hers too.

  The girls giggled and one of them spoke. “Have you honestly never felt any boobs in your life Tony?”

  “No,” he said. “Never.”

  One of the girls swept her blonde hair over her shoulder to expose her large cleavage, “Here Tony. Get a load of mine!”

  Tony grinned like a child in a sweet shop, “Oh my god, they look amazing.” He leant forward greedily and buried his face in them. The girls erupted into laughter again.

  Louise had seen enough. She walked over to Tony and tapped him roughly on the shoulder.

  “Alright, alright, who's next?” he said, his voice muffled as his face was still buried in the girl's cleavage. He lifted himself up, grinning like an idiot and turned to see who had tapped him on the shoulder. As he turned his face fell. “Louise,” he said with shock.

  “Girls!” Louise said firmly. “I need to have a little chat with lover boy here.”

  “Oh, it's not like that,” one of the girls piped up.

  Louise placed her hands on her hips, “I won't ask again,” she said with a voice like thunder.

  One by one the girls quickly left their table under Louise's glare.

  “So, Tony,” Louise began pulling up a chair. “Tell me what you've been up to tonight?”

  Tony gulped, “Oh Frith!” he said under his breath.

  Uwe had tired of his potential suitors advances for the moment and made his way back across to the group for a short break. He noticed Gareth, Keenan and the gang staring transfixed at a table across the room.

  “What's so interesting?” Uwe said in his abrasive manner.

  Gareth raised his finger to his lips, “Shhh Uwe.”

  Uwe turned to join them as they watched Louise break up the coterie and se
nd the group of girls on their way.

  “Jesus Christ,” Keenan said in disbelief. “Would you look at that?”

  It looks like Louise means business tonight, “Poor old Tony. Just look at how she despatched his harem.”

  Uwe, who was never one to miss out on an opportunity to gossip or even better to watch Tony squirm laughed, “I've seen this happen so many times and this why I was so pleased to be born gay.”

  Keenan pulled his eyes away from Tony and Louise as the girls dispersed into the crowd, “What are you going on about?”

  “I was simply making an observation that men are by nature merely indifferent to one another, but women are by nature enemies,” he explained.

  “Be that as it may, I can't wait to find out the juicy gossip from Tony in the morning,” Keenan said jiggling about and barely able to contain his excitement.

  Chapter Nineteen

  The door to the Larry Grayson Boudoir creaked open. Distracted by the noise Hugh looked up.

  “Oh, hi Marc. You’re back then?” he said with some surprise.

  Marc nodded but did not speak and threw his bag onto his bed, the contents clinked together as it bounced.

  “So, how did it go? Did you tell your parents about your situation?” Hugh enquired carefully.

  Marc unzipped his bag and started to remove several items of clothing, he sorted them into piles of colours and whites, as he did so the sound of glass on glass emanated from the bag. Hugh waited awkwardly for Marc to respond, he motioned as if to speak again, but hesitated. Not sure of what to do he placed his hands upon his thighs and pushed the wrinkles out of his jeans. He looked over at Marc again and smiled.

  Marc’s eyes moved to the right but his head remained fixed on his laundry. Finally, he spoke, “Can we talk about this later, Hugh? I appreciate your intentions, but I just need a bit of time.”

  Hugh nodded apologetically, “Sorry, Marc, I didn’t mean to pry. Perhaps you need some time?” He stood and made his way towards the door, he hesitated in the doorway as he waited for Marc to say something. He bobbed on the spot for a moment, then realised that the conversation, if that is what you could call it, was over. He slid himself between the doors trying to make as little noise as possible and left the room.

  “Good morning, my nearest, dearest and queerest,” Ben said, as he pirouetted into the classroom. “How are you all this morning?”

  The students smiled and nodded to let Ben know that he could go ahead with the day’s lesson.

  “You’ll need your pens and paper today, since we’ll be learning about language, primarily Polari.” He retrieved some papers from his bag and started to hand them out. “Here’s a little crib sheet for you to read through.” The students duly took their papers and skimmed through the list of words. As Ben handed Tony his sheet he stopped, “Tony, you look a little different today.”

  Tony scowled, begrudging the fact that Ben had singled him out yet again for public inspection.

  “You have a little glint in your eye, a little sparkle,” he placed his hands on his hips. “Do you have a secret, Tony?”

  “Tony’s in love,” Hugh blurted out.

  The class tittered and Ben smiled warmly. “So, Tony, dare I ask you if this is a man or a woman?” He crouched down onto one knee in order to bring his eyes level with Tony’s. He motioned to the class to settle down.

  Tony’s face contorted, “It’s a woman! Of course it’s a bloody woman.”

  Ben grinned, “Well, well, well. We’re making progress. I noticed that you said woman and not bird or tart. That is something. And it’s love is it? How can you be sure?”

  “I didn’t say that I was in love, el dickhead over there said that,” he gestured at Hugh dismissively.

  Hugh chuckled, “Deny it then, Tony.”

  “Frith off, Hugh,” Tony spat.

  “Hmm, now that is interesting,” Gareth whispered to himself.

  “You want to talk about love? What about your lover? Shall we talk about George?” Tony said, angrily. Hugh’s cheeks coloured quickly and he fell silent.

  “Now, now, settle down,” Ben said wearily. “Why does everything have to turn into an argument with you guys?” He got to his feet and sighed. “There always has to be an argument,” he muttered as he handed out the last of the study material. He returned to the front of the class and began his lecture. “So, as I said, we’ll be learning about language today, and specifically Polari. We’ll cover Ringlish a little later in the term. Uwe, do you know what Polari is?” He clasped his hands together.

  “Of course,” Uwe replied. “It’s a form of cant slang used primarily by British actors, circus folk, criminals, prostitutes and the gay sub-culture.”

  “Oh my, a round of applause for Uwe, please,” Ben said with a grin, as the class started to clap enthusiastically. “The boy’s a marvel.” Uwe smirked as he accepted their applause. “Have you heard of Polari before, Tony?” Ben enquired.

  Tony looked to his left and then to his right, “Ben, you do know that there are other people in this class don’t you? You don’t always have to involve me, you know,” he added sarcastically.

  “I am fully aware of that, Tony, but ...” he searched for the words. “How can I put this gently? You’re like our special needs student. You require that extra bit of attention.”

  Tony frowned. “No, I have never heard of Polari,” he said, as he decided to try and ignore Ben’s last statement. “Why would I have?”

  “Well, as Uwe said it’s used by criminals, but I guess you’d market yourself as a rough diamond though,” he continued quickly, not giving Tony a chance to protest. “Have you heard of the word, naff or zhoosh, Tony?” He tapped his finger on his lips whilst he waited for an answer.

  “Yeah, like naff off and zhoosh it up,” he said confidently.

  Ben spun on his heels dramatically, “then you already speak Polari. Well done!”

  The class spontaneously applauded Tony and he grinned broadly.

  “Who knows what naff stands for though?” Ben asked, sweeping his arm in front of the students.

  Hugh’s hand shot up into the air, “Me, me. Ask me.”

  Ben nodded, “Hugh, please enlighten us.”

  “Naff is an acronym. It means Not Available For Fucking,” he beamed proudly, as he waited for his round of applause.

  Ben shook his head, “Aha, you fell into my trap.”

  Hugh’s face fell, and he looked despondent.

  “Don’t worry, Hugh, someone makes that mistake every year. That’s actually a backcronym; that meaning was applied to the already existing word. But, that is so commonly believed now that perhaps it’s the real meaning after all. Language is changing constantly,” he added trying to bring a smile back to Hugh’s face. “Let me give you an example now, Omies and palones of the jury, vada well at the eek of the poor ome who stands before you, his lallies trembling. Can anyone translate that?” He waited keenly, but received no response. “Okay, let me do so for you. I said, men and women of the jury, look well at the face of the poor man who stands before you, his legs trembling.”

  The class let out a series of oohs and aahs.

  “By the end of term, you should all be able to speak and understand Polari, so, let’s get started with some easy ones. I want you to use this daily when conversing with each other, okay?”

  “So, Tony, using your crib sheet I want you to ask me to join you at the pub for a beer,” he said and waited in anticipation.

  Tony looked at his sheet for a moment and thought about this, slowly he began to speak. “Would you like to come to the bungery for a buvare with me?” he said with poor pronunciation.

  “Perfect!” Ben squealed, “well, nearly perfect at least. Or should I say, bonaroo!” He pointed quickly to Gareth. “Translate.”

  Gareth’s eyes quickly scanned the sheet until he found the word ‘bonaroo’, “Wonderful?” he said unsurely.

  “My Aunt Nells heard you clearly and you are right. Fantabulos
a, Gareth!” Ben declared. “Right, one or two more and then you can practise amongst yourselves. Okay, Keenan, say, look at the bulge in that Policeman’s trousers, do you think it’s really his truncheon?”

  Keenan paused for a moment and then made his attempt. “Look at the bonaroo basket in that charpering omi’s cats, do you think it’s really his truncheon?”

  “Spot on! Now, Bruce, compliment me on my dancing.” He shimmied on the spot as he waited.

  Bruce slid his finger across the sheet to find the word that he was looking for, “Ben, you are quite the hoofer,” he said gleefully.

  “The homy polone has got it in one,” he grinned. “Well done! Right, we’ve got twenty minutes left, so pair up and start practising.”

  When the class was over, the class filed out. Tony noticed Louise waiting in the corridor. She pretended to study the notice board as the students filed by.

  “Look Tony, it’s your girlfriend,” Keenan chirped as he pointed at Louise.

  She shot him a look and then surreptitiously beckoned Tony over.

  “I’ll catch you later guys, I need to talk to this palone with the lovely willets,” Tony said with a wink.

  They all looked confused and reviewed their crib sheets as Tony walked over to her.

  “Hi Tony. We have found another couple of Phantoms,” Louise said in her most matter-of-fact voice.

  “Really? Where are these ones?” he asked, trying to be equally as nonchalant.

  “They’ve been drawn on the basketball backboards in the sports hall,” she said as she maintained eye contact for a little too long and a little too intensely.

  “Well, how did they get up there? They would have needed a ladder, wouldn’t they?”

  She nodded, “would you be free later today to help me investigate?”