Future Queens of England

by Ryan Matthews

  Tony opened his mouth slowly and they watched as the words left his lips, “I think I’m in love!”

  They all gasped at Tony’s admission and they all stood in stunned silence.

  The words lingered in the air for some time before Bruce finally broke the silence. “I bet you never dreamed of finding love at gay school, eh?” he chuckled. “I can’t wait to hear you tell your mates all about this.”

  Tony remained in bed with a faraway look in his eye whilst he tried to make sense of his feelings.

  “So, Tony goes on one date and falls in love,” Uwe said playfully, “who would have thought it?”

  “Aye, but it’s been a long time coming, hasn’t it?” Keenan countered.

  “When I’m with her everything in my life starts making sense,” Tony said half to his companions and half to himself as he came out of his contemplative trance. “With her I know who I want to be, I know what I want to be.”

  Uwe coughed at this statement before muttering, “The more unintelligent a man is, the less mysterious existence seems to him. He finds a woman and suddenly his whole life makes sense, I don’t think so,” he scoffed.

  “Right, that’s enough ribbing, leave Tony be,” Keenan said quickly sensing how this conversation was going to go. “Shall we go and get some practise in, we’ve got the semi-finals match this week and we need to work on our tactics.”

  The day of the semi finals came and Team Queens, accompanied by Ben, marched out onto the pitch resplendent in their kits; Tony in red and the rest of the team in shocking pink. The flamboyant outfits made them look more like models than hockey players. Tony stopped and fidgeted with his hot pants and tried to adjust himself so they weren’t so snug around his balls, once satisfied that they were positioned comfortably he quickened his pace to catch up with his fellow players. The pitch was surrounded by swarms of supporters who screamed words of encouragement at the team. The atmosphere was electric and Tony chuckled to himself as he compared today’s turnout to their first game.

  “It’s funny how popular we’ve become now we’re so close to the finals,” Tony said, waving back at the crowd.

  “I’m hoping that my performance on the pitch is going to get me some action in the bedroom,” Bruce drooled lasciviously. “Though to be honest, it doesn’t have to be confined to the bedroom. I wouldn’t mind some car park action, public toilet action or on the crates round the back of the supermarket action.” He cupped himself and waggled his tongue at their supporters.

  Egged on by Bruce’s display the home crowd began to chant. “Team Queens, Team Queens, we’ll go all the way. We’re camp, we’re stylish and we are über-gay. Tony, Tony, don’t forget to pass. You know you might quite like it if you’d try it up the arse!”

  “What the frith!” Tony cried in disbelief. “Did you hear that?”

  “We all heard it, now just stay focused today,” Ben said. “Good luck guys!”

  “Thanks, Ben,” they said as he turned and ran over to join the supporters.

  In the adjacent car park, a vehicle pulled up and the Head stepped out, and walked over to the side of the pitch. He spotted Louise easily in the crowd, since she was the only woman present, and walked over to stand next to her.

  “Ah, Louise, what do you reckon our boys’ chances are today then?” he shouted, trying to be heard over the cheers and chants of the crowd.

  “With Tony leading them they can’t lose,” she shouted back.

  “Hmm, quite,” he said disdainfully before turning his attention back to the players on the field.

  Ben ran over and joined Louise and the Head. “Good morning! It’s going to be one hell of a game today,” he said with excitement. “Can you feel the electricity in the air?”

  Louise nodded eagerly and began to cheer, “Come on you guys!”

  “Right,” Tony said, “we have the disadvantage today since we’re playing away, so remember however much this pitch looks the same it will have bumps and lumps in different places. But we’ve got our tactics, so stick to them and let’s claw our way to the finals. Let’s do this!”

  The team took their positions and Tony ran to the centre to join the home captain and the umpires.

  As he approached, the home captain looked on in disbelief. And when Tony stopped in front of him, the home captain looked at what he was wearing and almost choked. Then he looked over at the rest of the team and his jaw dropped. “What are you? Fucking poofs or something?”

  Tony gave him a sideways look, “Who did you think that you were playing against when you saw Future Queens of England on the fixtures list then?”

  “I thought we’d be playing against a group of privileged public school girls, not some team of raving fucking homos.”

  Instantly, Tony realised what he had to do and he hoped that he had the courage to do it. He stared his opponent in the eye and spoke, “What’s your name, sailor?”

  “Huh?” his opponent grunted.

  “I said, what’s your name, sailor?”

  “Why do you want to know?” came the unsure reply.

  “Well, you big, burly brute, I will tell you. I’d like to do you,” Tony said, the words sticking in his throat.

  His adversary frowned, “What? What do you mean? Do you mean you’d like to do me over? Do you want a fight? Is that what you’re saying?” he asked with some confusion.

  “Just answer the question. What’s your name?” Tony said persevering.

  His opponent looked even more confused, but finally acquiesced, “Err, my name’s Jason, but I still don’t understand why you’re so keen to know that?”

  Tony gritted his teeth and took a deep breath. “Well, Jason, I want to bum you. I want to know your name so I can shout it out whilst I am bumming you right in the bum,” he said uneasily.

  Jason looked horrified, “Ergghhh! I can’t believe that you just said that.”

  “Me neither,” Tony muttered to himself under his breath.

  Jason turned to one of his team-mates and reported what was happening. “Hey, you won’t believe this. This guy here, says he wants to shout my name whilst bumming me.”

  Tony smiled over at Jason’s team-mate. “In the bum,” Tony added helpfully, “that bit is important. I want to do your captain right up the bum.”

  Jason’s team-mate recoiled in horror. “Uggh, you bent twat!”

  Tony turned to face his own team. “I was just saying, that I’d like to bum him,” he shouted back at his team-mates. He winked slowly at them and gestured for them to go along with it.

  Keenan realising what was going on stepped forward, “Yes, me too. I’d like to do some bare back riding on your man, there,” he shouted over to the home team. “In fact, I’m not fussy. Any of you would do.”

  Bruce seizing the opportunity ran up towards the centre line. “If any of you want to join me in the showers after the game I’ll show each and every one of you a good time.” He placed his hockey stick in between his legs and rubbed his hand up and down the handle frantically. “I’ll shag you so hard you won’t be able to sit for a month. You’ll be walking like Albert Steptoe.”

  Tony shot Bruce a look, “Tone it down a bit,” he mouthed.

  “Jesus fucking Christ,” the home captain squealed.

  “That’s enough foreplay,” Uwe called to the umpires. “Can we start the game now?”

  White as a sheet, Jason faced Tony as they waited for the coin toss.

  “Away team gets the call,” the home team umpire said.

  “Heads,” Tony called.

  “Heads it is,” the umpire said. “Do you want to choose ends or start play?”

  “We’ll push back,” Tony quickly, wanting to strike whilst the iron was hot.

  “Which end?” the umpire said to Jason.

  “Which end?” came the shaken reply?

  “Yes, which end do you want to play from?”

  “Whatever,” Jason mumbled.

  “Okay, we’ll stay as we are. Now let’s start play
,” the umpire said. They all took their positions and the whistle blew.

  Tony pursed his lips and blew a small kiss to Jason, whose eyes opened as wide as saucers. “Here I come gorgeous,” Tony called in as camp a voice as he could muster and with that he hit the ball to Uwe who dribbled the ball into his opponents’ half. Jason stood there motionless in shock and Tony whizzed past him and his team mates towards their goal.

  Bruce sprinted towards the goal mouth, stopped suddenly turned his back to the goalie and bent over and touched his toes. “Any hole’s a goal!” he shouted with his head between his legs.

  The goalie looked over at Bruce, his hockey hot pants pulled tight around his arse, “What the fuck?” he uttered in disbelief as the ball landed in the net.

  Team Queens’ fans roared out their support and began their chant again.

  “I can’t believe I said all that shit,” Tony said quietly to Keenan as they returned to their half.

  Keenan patted him on the back, “It’s a good plan Tony and it’s working a treat. Just see it through and we’re off to the finals.”

  At half time, Tony and the team congregated by their goal to discuss their battle plan for the second half of the game. Ben walked over from the sidelines to join the team.

  “That was a stroke of genius,” Ben cried as he joined them. “Play on their fears, wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. But don’t forget you haven’t won this yet, you’ve got to keep them on the ropes.”

  “We’re eight-nil up, Ben,” Tony replied. “How on earth are they going to come back from that? You’ve seen them, they’re scared shitless of us,” he said smugly. “There’s not a chance in hell that they’re coming back from that pounding.”

  Ben looked at them all, “Don’t you count on it. What do you think is happening back there right now?”

  “Dunno. What?” Tony shrugged.

  “I’ll tell you, they’re discussing how on earth they can be losing eight-nil to bunch of fairies. Their fear is going to be replaced by anger and they’re going to come back fighting, so you guys had better prepare yourselves.”

  Hugh looked a little nervous, “Do you really think so?”

  “Safety in numbers Hugh,” Ben explained. “You won the first half through divide and conquer, but now they’re together egging each other on, riling each other up. With all their supporters here watching them, do you really think that they’re going to let you humiliate them for the next half?”

  The whistle blew to signify that the second half was about to start.

  “Well, I guess we’re about to find out,” Tony said.

  Tony and the team ran up towards the other end of the pitch to change ends. As Tony passed Louise he blew her a kiss. Louise shook her head at Tony and tried to point inconspicuously at the Head who was stood next to her. Tony missed the point and blew her a second kiss before running into the other half.

  The Head frowned at Tony’s behaviour and stepped closer to Louise. “I have something that I need to ask you. It’s about your relationship with Tony,” the Head said gravely. “I just wanted to remind you that your contract states that you cannot indulge in any inappropriate behaviour with the students here.”

  “What have you heard?” Louise said sheepishly, wishing that Tony had kept his public displays of affection to himself.

  “I’ve spoken to Ben and he tells me that he thinks there is something going on between you and Tony. Is this true?” the Head enquired.

  Louise thought for a moment, choosing her words carefully, “We went on a dinner date last night, but that’s all.”

  He shook his head in dismay, “This is unacceptable behaviour. I’ll need to see you and Tony in my office at four pm today to discuss this.”

  “But, it’s the weekend,” Louise protested.

  “I do not care. I’ll see you both in my office this afternoon at four o’clock precisely.”

  Tony and Jason faced each other again in the centre of the pitch.

  “Are you ready for another bashing, lover boy?” Tony asked airily.

  Jason gritted his teeth, “I’m ready for some gay bashing.”

  The whistle blew and Jason dashed forward with the ball, Tony minced in to tackle him but received a firm shoulder barge which sent him spinning.

  “Take that, you queero gay lord bitch boy,” Jason shouted over his shoulder as he made his way down the pitch.

  Uwe stepped forward into Jason’s path and readied himself. He gripped his hockey stick firmly and fixed his eye on the ball. As he leant in to make the tackle Jason roared at him and their bodies collided. Uwe took the impact and they locked horns. They grunted as they wrestled against each other trying to take control of the ball. As Jason pressed his weight on his opponent, Uwe used this to his advantage. Suddenly he moved his shoulder back and Jason fell forward losing his balance. As Jason hit the ground Uwe took control of the ball and streaked back towards the home team’s half.

  Another of Jason’s team mates made a beeline for Uwe and went in to shoulder barge him. With absolute control Uwe came to a halt just inches from his opponent, who overshot, and could not stop himself toppling to the ground. Uwe looked up and saw Tony heading towards the goal mouth, he smacked the ball and with the utmost precision it made it into Tony’s path. Tony took the ball and hit it through the defender’s legs and collected it on the other side. He saw his opportunity and took it, the ball flicked past the goalie and hit the top corner of the net.

  The supporters’ of Team Queens let out a roar. Even a few of the home team gave a few begrudging claps and nods of approval as Tony, Uwe and their team-mates celebrated their first honest goal of the game.

  Both teams made their way back into their positions and waited for the whistle to blow. Tony and Jason faced each other as they took their positions at the centre of the field.

  Tony looked Jason in the eyes and grinned. “Okay, no more mucking about now. This is game on!” He bent forward and gripped his hockey stick and maintained permanent eye contact with his opponent. Jason tried his best to return the steely glare, but he felt like Tony’s gaze was piercing his very soul. He let out a sigh of relief when the whistle eventually blew and finally broke the tension. Jason hit the ball across the pitch towards one of his team-mates, but a determined Tony darted forward and intercepted the ball. He glided effortlessly towards the goal outmanoeuvring several of the home team’s defenders on the way.

  Uwe ran up the left hand side of the field keeping parallel to him. As Tony neared the goal mouth he cockily knocked the ball forward enough for it to stop equidistant between the goalie and Uwe. Uwe and the goalie took the briefest of moments sizing each other up before they both charged forward to take ownership of the ball. The goalie stepped forward to kick it away, but was a split second too late as Uwe’s stick made contact with the ball and sent it spinning through the goalie’s legs and into the goal mouth.

  Tony ran over to Uwe, gripped him around his waist and picked him up in the air in celebration. Bruce, Paul and the others also ran in and joined the celebratory scrum. Jason and his team-mates could do nothing but look on in silent admiration of their opponent’s prowess.

  The final whistle blew and a victorious cheer rang out from Team Queen’s supporters. The two captains approached each other and shook hands.

  “You benders have got some fight in you,” Jason said begrudgingly and he gripped Tony’s hand firmly. “You deserved to win.”

  “Don’t be so gracious, you’re making me feel bad,” Tony replied earnestly. He tightened his grip on Jason’s hand until he heard a slight crack.

  Jason laughed, pulled his hand away and massaged it. “Erm, can I ask you something?” He didn’t wait for Tony to reply. “Are you actually a queer, I mean homosexual?” he said, quickly correcting himself.

  Tony laughed too, “I’m as straight as they come, but this lot are as gay as you like.” He pointed over his shoulder at the rest of his team.

  Jason nodded affably, “Well, I won’t ask
how you came to join the team.”

  Tony raised one eyebrow, “No, best not to anyway, it’s a long story.”

  “They play pretty well for a bunch of benders, don’t they?” Jason said, jovially.

  Tony frowned, “You shouldn’t call them that.”

  “Oh, sorry,” Jason said apologetically, “I didn’t mean to cause offense.”

  “No problem, Jason, I’m still getting used to it myself. Anyway, good game mate and I’m sorry about all that business with the bumming you in the arse and all that.”

  Jason waved this away with his hand, “No need to apologise. It was a great tactic; I think we’ll try that out ourselves next season.”

  Tony grinned, “Hey, you’re alright by me, Jason. See you around.”

  “Why don’t you come back to our club house for a few drinks?”

  “Can I bring the rest of the team?” Tony said, pointing at his team–mates, as they danced about in celebration.

  Jason paused and considered this, “Yeah, they can come, but they need to get changed out of the pink kit and hot pants. We ain’t having that in there!” he said firmly.

  Tony nodded, “Alright. Deal!” and they shook hands again, but this time without the machismo. Tony ran over to join his team-mates in their celebration. Amid the jubilation, Louise came over to Tony and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around and his face lit up, he put his arms around her and span her round.

  “We’re off to the finals! Can you believe it?” He planted a kiss firmly on her lips, but she didn’t return it. Tony put her down gently, “Is something wrong?”

  She nodded, “The Head knows about us Tony and he isn’t happy. We need to go and see him today at four o’clock in his office.”

  Tony tried to laugh it off, “Hey, don’t worry about it. He probably just wants to give us his blessing or maybe he wants to congratulate me personally for getting to the finals.”

  Louise smiled sadly, “Yes, maybe.” She looked at the crowd celebrating the day’s victory, “Anyway, let’s not worry about this now. Right now, we need to celebrate, you’re off to the finals. This is an amazing achievement.” She tried her hardest to smile.