Single Dad's Loss

by Destiny, Sam

HAYDEN

  I had no idea what I was doing, yet when we got home, Katie put up the small travel bed we’d bought, while I made a bottle for the little man.

  I put his car seat on the counter, making sure I had a clear view of him, but he was sleeping peacefully.

  His lashes were long and red, just like his mother. His hands looked so tiny, so delicate.

  Swallowing, I forced my eyes away from him, reading the instructions on the package, not understanding a single word.

  I was suddenly a father, at least in the eyes of the system. Hell, I had no doubt Leah’s parents thought I’d lied to them all along. I wanted to call them, see how they were doing, offer my condolences, but I wasn’t sure they’d be receptive.

  Besides, I didn’t want to believe Leah was gone. I hadn’t said goodbye, hadn’t hugged her one more time. We’d planned on me being there for the birth, then not getting together again until after her mother and father went home. Honestly, I didn’t think she had any intention of calling them until after she’d gotten out of the hospital. They had always been close, but over the last few years, I’d seen cracks in their foundation. I didn’t know why, but Leah had once mentioned she thought her parents didn’t approve of her still not being married or her being as close to me as she was. I’d never asked again because, well… She belonged in my life like the house I lived in, and I was going to let sleeping dogs lie.

  They’d moved to a different part of town when Leah and I had left for college, probably expecting her to never return to their small-town home, but Leah had come back to be a teacher, loving being away from the big city and enjoying the same neighborhood she’d grown up in. She loved the area.

  When the water boiled, I took it off the stove, realizing it had gotten too hot. While I let it cool down, I spooned some formula into a bottle, then closed my eyes and willed my mind to make sense of the last few hours.

  Cory whined, so I unbuckled him and picked him up carefully. Katie had shown me the best way to hold him. Luckily, it seemed to come naturally. The boy quieted the moment I held him close, so I shifted him in my arms until I could look at him.

  “You’re pretty, you know that?” I smiled softly. “You get that from your mom. I wish she were holding you right now, though. You got the worst of luck having me as a dad. Not that I am… She should be here, buddy. Your mommy should be here…”

  A sob escaped my lips. My legs shaking, I cradled Cory against my shoulder as I slid down the counter to the floor. I cried, wishing I could stop, even though I knew it was impossible.

  Katie quietly came in and sat next to me, wrapping her arms awkwardly around me, but I didn’t mind.

  “I’m so sorry, Hayden,” she whispered, her voice thick with tears. I couldn’t believe she’d offered to stay and help me out. Even more, I couldn’t believe I’d allowed her to. She didn’t owe me or Leah anything, yet she was here.

  “Why are you crying?” I asked quietly.

  She chuckled, wiping her cheeks. “I’m super emotional. Always have been. If others cry, I tear up, too. Cute dog? I tear up. A show where they help people who can’t help themselves? I tear up. I’m a crybaby.”

  I smiled through my tears. “You’re adorable.”

  “Well, thank you. I guess it could be worse. I could be nice.” She grimaced.

  “What’s wrong with nice?”

  Katie grinned. “Nice is the zone you can never get out of again.”

  “Female logic.” I shook my head, then sobered again. The urge to cry had passed, which I was grateful for. “Thank you,” I muttered.

  She took my hand, something she seemed to do a lot, and entwined our fingers. “What for?”

  “For having come with the social worker, for screwing my head on straight, for being here. The person I’d usually call to help me if I didn’t know what to do would be…” I swallowed hard.

  “Leah,” she finished, and I nodded. “Why weren’t you a couple? I mean… She was beautiful, and you two were close. It’s… I don’t know. I didn’t think it was possible for men and women to just be friends.”

  I rested my head back against the cabinets, listening to Cory’s even breathing for a few seconds, then glanced at Katie again. “She wanted passion. I wanted need. You know, the feeling of missing someone, needing to touch them the moment they come into the room. That’s what I wanted, but it was never there with Leah. Yes, I missed her when we were apart, and I’ll miss her like crazy every day to come, but that’s it. I didn’t want to touch her or constantly hold her. Hell, we weren’t even the ‘cuddling’ best friends. It was more like a sibling relationship. You didn’t know us well enough to see that, but it’s true.”

  She rested her head on my shoulder. “I’m jealous. I don’t even have a female best friend.”

  I was startled. “What?”

  I felt her shrug against my shoulder. “I have a colleague I like to work with more than the others. Does that count?”

  No, it didn’t, but judging by her tone of voice, she knew that without me needing to say it.

  * * *

  KATIE

  It wasn’t until early morning that Hayden had calmed enough that I could convince him to go to bed. Or at least tried to. He refused his bed, lying on the couch instead.

  Cory had been surprisingly peaceful, sleeping a lot more than I’d assumed and eating a lot less than I’d expected. It was something to be concerned about, but I didn’t want to alarm Hayden. The truth was, even though he was too young to understand, I was sure Cory knew his mother no longer lived. Unfortunately, the little human had to deal with that stress in his own way.

  However, if it lasted two more days, I’d suggest we get him checked.

  “Can you believe one little boy can stink so much?” Hayden asked, coming in after throwing the diapers in the garbage can outside, then stretched his arms over his head.

  I was distracted by the small patch of skin showing on his stomach, but forced myself to look away. “I can, and it’ll get worse the older he gets.” I smiled as he laughed.

  “I know. A friend, Knox, has a teenager. He sometimes complains that he doesn’t exactly think showering is cool, so…” He rubbed his hand over his head, musing the nearly black waves. I suddenly wanted to run my fingers through it.

  It was inappropriate, but it would probably distract him and maybe, just maybe, relax him enough to let him get a few hours’ sleep.

  I’d be totally doing him a favor, right?

  “We should’ve put his bed in here so I can hear him when he wakes up. I’m not sure how deep of a sleeper he is, and I don’t want to move him. I doubt I’ll miss it if he screams, but would you mind staying in the room with him?”

  I had yet to lay down, so I was exhausted, but I had been secretly hoping to convince Hayden to take the bed instead…with me.

  No such luck.

  I stood from the sofa, his hoodie being the only thing I wore, which was long enough to reach the middle of my thighs. “Hayden, let me take the sofa. First, you’ll be up with him, and second, I’m smaller. I fit better on the couch.”

  He shook his head. “I can’t do that. You’re helping me out, so the least I can do is give you the bed.” He stepped in, surprising me by kissing my cheek. He blushed as he stepped back. “God, I’m sorry. It’s a habit. Whenever Leah stayed over…”

  He shook his head, his brow furrowed. I could tell the exact moment his emotions overwhelmed him because he closed his eyes and gritted his teeth, his jaw clenching.

  Maybe a distraction was the best choice. I reached up and brushed my fingertips across his cheek. His eyes met mine as he licked his lips.

  “Katie,” he whispered. His hand cupped mine, but after a brief moment of hesitation, he lowered our joined hands. “I know what you’re doing, and I appreciate it, but I can’t let you do that.” He stepped back and smiled. “You’re adorable. A few days ago, this would’ve been my perfect evening, but now? I don’t have the time to woo you. I have an infant to take c
are of. Honestly, that’s all I can focus on right now.

  “Sleep well. I put a shirt out for you so you can change into something more comfortable. I put nightlights around because you don’t know the house and I don’t want you to run into anything. I’ll see you when Cory wakes up, okay?”

  Holy shit, I was wrong.

  Adorable wasn’t better than nice. It was worse.

  KATIE

  “Let’s take the baby wrap, okay?”

  “I don’t need the fucking wrap. I’ll carry him,” Hayden snapped. Although I knew where his anger came from, I still winced.

  “He’ll get heavy, Hay. You cannot carry him the whole time.”

  He spun around, his dress shirt undone, his pants open and showcasing the V that would’ve made my mouth water before. Today, it just proved what a mess he was.

  I wouldn’t have believed it, but it eased my mind. He’d been nothing more than a machine the last few days—getting up, feeding and changing Cory, cooking, making sure I was okay, going back to sleep. The biggest emotional rise I could get out of him was when Cory cried. Hayden would become soft, cooing, eventually smiling if he managed to calm the little man down. Still…

  I knew denial was the first stage of grieving, anger the second, but so far, I’d seen neither in Hayden, just a bitter numbness.

  I preferred his fury any day.

  “I’ll show you that I can carry him the whole time,” he snapped, then went back to buttoning his shirt.

  “Fine,” I replied angrily. “I won’t take him from you when he gets heavy.” I knew it was an empty threat.

  Hayden just shrugged. “He’s my son. I can take care of him.”

  I watched him in the mirror, watched how the buttons slipped from his fingers, almost as if the universe had decided to make his life a little more difficult today, but he didn’t give up. Face scrunched up, brows furrowed, lips drawn into a tight line, he kept trying, even though his hands shook.

  I stepped around him, carefully taking his hands away. His dark eyes met mine, utter helplessness in his gaze.

  “I can’t do this, Katie. I can’t do today,” he whispered. I shook my head, helping him button his shirt.

  Any other day, the way my fingers brushed against his skin would make me warm. Today, though, I just wished I could take the pain away.

  “I’ll be there the whole time. I promise. Sarah, Clare, your colleagues… Everybody will be there for you.” Even so, I knew the funeral would be horrible. “If you wanna go out with them afterward, I’ll be happy to watch Cory.”

  He shook his head, a dark strand falling into his face. I reached out, cupping his cheek. He hadn’t taken much comfort from me as of yet, which broke my heart. I was practically living with him, but besides sharing a roof and baby duties, there wasn’t much else going on. He didn’t talk to me, didn’t tell me what he was thinking, didn’t ask anything of me, and when I tried to hug him, he evaded me.

  The only thing he did regularly was kiss my forehead before he went to bed. I took it as the silent thank you that it was.

  However, I craved him. Craved his brooding presence, his silent companionship, but didn’t know why. I’d been living on my own for close to ten years. Yes, I had a serious relationship or two, but those had never lasted longer than a few months, and I’d never stayed over.

  Hayden rattled me in a way no one else ever had. The worst part was he wasn’t even trying.

  “I’ll be coming home. Leah didn’t put my name down as the father so I could hand him off the first chance I got, Katie. I certainly wasn’t prepared for this, but I’ll try. Every day, I’ll try. For her. For him.”

  Hayden was wrong. He kept pointing out how he didn’t know what he was doing with Cory, but I watched him. He was amazing. The way he held him, changed him, was attuned to him was unbelievable. For someone who’d become a father in one day, he did remarkably well.

  Some people were born to be parents. I had a feeling Hayden was one of them.

  I smiled softly. “I’m just saying, no one would blame you if you needed a beer after the service, okay?”

  He surprised me by leaning in and kissing my forehead before drawing me into his arms, holding me tightly.

  As if I needed comfort.

  As if I were falling apart.

  “I didn’t mean to yell at you, Kate. I’m sorry. You don’t deserve my anger,” he whispered into my ear.

  I shook my head against his shoulder. “I’d rather have your anger than your silence. You need to cope, but you haven’t yet.”

  He swallowed, squeezing me tighter. “I can’t. I… It cannot be true. Leah can’t be gone. She’s… I just can’t believe I won’t be able to call her to tell her I finally got you into my bed.”

  I knew he was trying to be humorous, but all it did was cause tears to well up in my eyes. “You’ve tried before?”

  He shrugged. “I’ve been eying you for months. Bright, ambitious, beautiful… Leah always told me to talk to you, but what exactly was I supposed to say? I could only think of cheap pickup lines, yet you deserved more.” He stepped back.

  I waggled my brows, wanting to distract him for as long as I could. “Well, give me your best line.”

  He smiled. “Hey, nurse, can you take care of a big problem I have?”

  I let my eyes roam over him, my mouth watering. He looked delicious in dress pants and dress shirt. I cocked my head playfully.

  “I don’t see any big problems,” I teased.

  He reached for me in mock outrage, pulling my back against his front as I tried to escape. He tickled me, my sides hurting from laughing even while my nipples hardened. Jesus, it was totally inappropriate for me to get horny today of all days.

  Luckily for Hayden, not for me, Cory woke and Hayden walked out of the room. I grabbed his jacket and his wine-red tie, then followed him, hoping we’d somehow manage to get through the day.

  * * *

  HAYDEN

  One fucking moment…

  I had one moment where everything was okay for a brief second, then Cory had cried and reminded me that we were getting ready for a funeral.

  His mom’s funeral.

  I cuddled him close and kissed his head while Katie held our umbrella as we stood at the gravesite. It was a day like you normally just saw in movies—dark clouds, thunder, lightning, and rivers of water running along the ground.

  The grass squished under my feet as I shifted uneasily. Katie had suggested we arrive just before the funeral started, cutting it close in order to avoid Leah’s parents.

  I was a mess, could barely think, and my heart seemed to be ready to stop beating.

  I wasn’t nervous, wasn’t angry. I was broken. After I’d told Katie good night last night, I’d picked up my phone and called Leah, leaving a message about how Katie was better than I could’ve ever imagined, how she was so pretty… Halfway through, I’d realized Leah wouldn’t call me back.

  I dropped my phone and had lain awake all night, staring at the ceiling, tears trickling out of the corners of my eyes.

  “And, thus, we lay her to rest and allow her to walk in God’s grace forever and a day. May her son learn all about his mother from the day he’s old enough to understand.” The priest looked around, then nodded for the casket to be lowered into the ground.

  “No!” The word was strangled, echoing with the raindrops. It took me a second to realize it was my voice. “No, Leah!” I fell to my knees as tears broke free, streaming down my cheeks and mixing with the rain. I pressed Cory against my chest. The truth was, I couldn’t think, couldn’t focus…

  I simply couldn’t function anymore.

  * * *

  KATIE

  “Hayden…” His name was nothing more than a whisper on my lips as I pushed the umbrella into the hand of whomever stood closest, then reached for the baby.

  “Give him to me,” Sarah muttered. I glanced up, finding her and Knox standing next to us. I knew Sarah, a local police officer, because she was oc
casionally at the hospital with a prisoner, and Knox worked with Hayden. They were here for him, and I trusted her with Cory because if anyone knew how to handle him, it was her.

  Hayden’s head was lowered, water dripping from his dark hair onto his now empty hands, almost as if he didn’t know he no longer held the baby. I framed his face with my hands, wanting him to look at me, but he didn’t. He looked completely broken, his eyes empty as he cried, choking on sobs and whispering no over and over.

  I had no idea if he was aware that he’d drawn the attention of the whole crowd, yet I couldn’t care less. It felt rude to tell the priest to continue, but I gestured at him anyway because I needed to be the only one focused on Hayden.

  Jesus, can’t this damn rain stop for at least a minute?

  “Hayden, look at me. We need to go. We’ll come back another time. Come on,” I whispered, his skin cold under my hands, but he didn’t react. Just blankly stared ahead, his teeth gritted, jaw working.

  I crawled onto his lap, not caring that I was getting soaked, and wrapped my arms around his chest. It took a second before he reacted, then he placed his arms around me, holding tightly and lowering his head to my shoulder.

  “She’s gone, Katie. The only best friend I’ve ever had is gone. I’ve known her all my life. She’s always been there every step of the way. Please, explain it to me,” he pleaded, but I couldn’t.

  “How about we go?”

  He shook his head against my shoulder. “I cannot walk away from her. I can’t leave her alone. I wasn’t there when I promised her I would be. Maybe everything would’ve been different. It’s my fault.”

  I pulled back and grasped his cheeks to make him look at me. “God, Hay. No, it wasn’t. No one could’ve done anything. Listen to me. You need to get up.”

  People started proceeding toward the grave to pay their last respects. As much as I wanted Hayden to have that closure, I didn’t think he could handle it right now.