Single Dad's Loss

by Destiny, Sam

  I couldn’t help but be surprised how much a shower changed my attitude. I felt fresher, less beaten down, and ready to listen to the two downstairs without wanting to tear their heads off.

  Maybe.

  I checked on Cory, who was still sleeping. Still, I reached into the crib, brushing my hand across the soft hair on his head. He turned into my touch briefly, and I took strength from that small movement.

  Once I reached the bottom of the stairs, I saw Katie and Sarah had started cleaning up. Besides the fact that this was my house, I didn’t want them to fix what I’d messed up.

  “What the hell are you doing?” I gritted my teeth when I realized I sounded snappy.

  “We are your friends, so we’re being friendly.” Sarah looked up. “Oh, too bad. The fucking beard didn’t wash off.”

  I smirked, unable to hold it in. “My beards never do that,” I replied, then sobered again. “Can we talk about what you insinuated earlier? Why would I lose everything?”

  The women exchanged a glance, then Katie walked over and took my hand, drawing me into the living room. “Sit, Hay. Remember, don’t kill the messengers…” Again, they looked at each other and Sarah nodded slightly. Whatever they decided on, one of them needed to talk.

  “Yes?” I prompted.

  Katie still held my hand, brushing her thumb across my knuckles. “Leah’s parents came to the hospital, demanding to see the birth certificate again, asking about forced paternity tests. You haven’t talked to them, haven’t left your house, and I think they might send DCF soon.” She paused briefly. “It’s why you need to clean yourself and the house. I noticed you’ve cleaned his things, which is good, but…” She looked around. “This environment is not fit for a child.” She gestured at the remnants of the pizza I had two days ago and the empty Chinese container next to it.

  “His room is clean, and—”

  Sarah, sitting on the other side of me, leaned forward. “We don’t doubt you’re taking care of him, Hayden, but you also need to take care of you. I spoke to your boss. He’s okay with you bringing Cory to work, as long as you have the baby monitor. You know how work is. There are empty rooms where he can sleep in peace. It’s not ideal, but it’s a solution right now.”

  I didn’t want to go back to work, didn’t want to pretend my normal life was back because nothing about this was normal anymore. “But—”

  Katie interrupted. “DCF will need to see you working, will need testimonies from your colleagues, and will check the house. I promise. I’ll be here to make sure you don’t lose Cory, but I cannot do that alone, Hayden. If you can’t be a functioning adult for yourself, be one for him. Leah counted on you to take care of her son. This is part of it.” Although I flinched at Leah’s name, I knew what Katie was getting at.

  “We’ll all be here, Hay. Dale, Knox, and Clare are ready to jump in whenever you need it, and when I’m not on duty, I can take Cory to my house. We can do this together. No one expects you to go through this alone,” Sarah said in a soft voice, taking my other hand.

  I loved them for wanting to help me, loved them for offering all they did, but…

  “On the best of days, I’m angry. On the worst, I’m numb. I can take care of Cory, but that’s as far as it goes. I can’t imagine myself going back to work. I don’t care enough to go back to work,” I confessed, then stood and made my way over to the window, looking at the dark street outside, wondering what the hell the next several weeks would bring.

  * * *

  KATIE

  My heart ached at the raw pain I saw in Hayden’s eyes, but when he’d hugged me earlier, I felt the silent apology in the way his hands had pressed against my back, as if he didn’t want to let go.

  He now stood with the back to us, his shoulders tense, his head hanging low. I sighed, arching a brow at Sarah.

  She shrugged, mouthing, Maybe I should go.

  I nodded, standing as she did.

  “Call me anytime, Hayden. Okay? I’m gonna take off.” She cleared her throat, waiting for a reaction, but all she got was a weak nod. I let her out, then walked back into the living room, stopping behind him.

  For a moment, I was unsure what to do or say, then I decided to just offer him comfort. I slipped my arms around his waist and rested my head against his back, hearing his heart thudding. I knew it was faster than normal, wondering if it was his anger or his pain that made it race.

  He hesitated a moment, then took my hands in his and leaned into my palm. The beard tickled my skin, and as much as I preferred him with just a scruff, I couldn’t help but think he was handsome either way.

  “Katie…,” he croaked, then turned in my arms.

  “Here.”

  He wrapped his arms around me and pressed a kiss to my forehead. Maybe I should demand an apology, but I knew grief made you do horrible things, so I was ready to let him get off easy this time.

  I soaked up his closeness, then swallowed. “I was so worried about you, especially when you didn’t open the door. I stood across the street until I saw you in the window, holding Cory. It was the only thing that made me leave. I thought…” I shrugged, and he shook his head. I felt the movement against my own.

  “I couldn’t do it. Leah deserves more than that. Besides, I might not have fathered that child, but he’s my son and I’ll take care of him. I know what his mom would want me to do, but, Katie… I don’t think I can do it,” he whispered, his voice rough.

  There was so much I wanted to say, so much I needed to tell him, but before I knew what was happening, Hayden bent his head and touched his lips to mine. My breath caught in my throat as I held onto him.

  This was not the right thing to do right now. Hayden needed to talk about his grief, about the things on his mind, and not distract me with this.

  Especially when I didn’t know where this was coming from.

  I should pull away, step back, tell him this wasn’t the right way.

  Until then, I’d enjoy this kiss, a kiss I’d been dying and longing for since I met him.

  Granted, I’d wanted to get it on a first date, when he was happy after having a great night. Or maybe even before the first date because he couldn’t resist me.

  I planned on taking whatever he was offering—as soon as I knew I wasn’t just a temporary Band-Aid so he could forget about the last several days.

  “Hayden,” I whispered, pulling back, but his hungry lips followed mine, swallowing my protest. God, he felt so good pressed against me, and I couldn’t deny my body’s reaction to him.

  I wanted him. I was swarmed with lust, longed to feel his hands on my bare skin, even if that was a worse idea than us kissing.

  Again, I pulled back, my last shred of sanity demanding I have some self-respect. I placed my hand on his chest. “Hayden, stop.”

  My heart mourned the loss when he stepped back, cried out in desperate want for his warmth to feed mine.

  “Okay,” he agreed. “If this isn’t what you want…” He shrugged, leaving the sentence unfinished.

  A bitter laugh left my lips. “Not what I want? Hayden, it’s what I’ve wanted for months, but not like this. Not when you’re vulnerable and need a distraction. I’m not… I…”

  His eyes darkened. “I’m not vulnerable, and I certainly don’t need a distraction, but with you so close, my body can’t help but want you.” He lowered his voice. “So much more than you can imagine.”

  He was lying to himself, and me, but that didn’t change the fact I felt myself getting wet. He closed the little space between us again and reached for my hand, pressing it against his crotch.

  Hayden was rock hard under my palm. A moan fell from my lips before I could stop it.

  “Katie…,” he whispered, his lips close to mine again. He didn’t kiss me, didn’t move, and I knew he was waiting for me to make the final decision.

  Men were not the only ones who stopped thinking when it came to sex. Sometimes lust overruled a woman’s sanity, too.

  I crushed m
y lips back to his, one arm wrapped around his neck while the other cupped him through the sweats, stroking slowly up and down, knowing we wouldn’t be doing this unless the universe had interfered.

  * * *

  HAYDEN

  She was consuming me, and I didn’t mind. I knew this wasn’t the right way, that Katie deserved so much more than being my anchor, but things were the way they were right now.

  When her hands went under my shirt, I pulled back just enough for her to pull it over my head and ditch it to the floor, then my lips were back on hers. I lifted her, and she wrapped her legs around me.

  I sat down on the couch with her in my lap and held her tightly. I didn’t want to stop kissing her, holding her close, because for a few precious minutes, my mind was calm.

  For a few minutes, I didn’t miss Leah.

  For a few minutes, I didn’t hate her for leaving me with a baby.

  For a few minutes, I didn’t feel guilty about not being the man everyone thought me to me.

  The universe obviously decided I didn’t deserve the reprieve because the baby monitor crackled to life and Cory’s whimpering could be heard.

  “I need to check on him,” I whispered, but Katie shook her head.

  “Give him a few minutes. Sometimes they fall right back to sleep. If you jump every time he makes a sound, he’ll get used to it and—”

  I arched a brow. “I can handle him. I’m pretty sure he has nightmares. You should watch him sleep. It’s not peaceful.”

  She swallowed. “Science isn’t sure babies can even have nightmares, Hayden. They are a mash-up of memories and experiences, and although it’s thought babies might have memories from the womb, I—”

  “He was with Leah for nine months, but she’s no longer there. All he has is me. Someone who’s rougher, more clumsy, and more inexperienced than his mother. I wasn’t ready for this, yet he’s the one suffering for it. I’m pretty sure he can have nightmares,” I insisted, shifting until Katie finally stood.

  She had her hands on her hips, her expression stern. I knew she was going to lecture me.

  Not that I needed it. I did enough of that myself.

  “You—”

  “Yes, me. I’m going to check on Cory.”

  With that, I stood and left her standing in the living room. I knew it was rude, that I should’ve said something, but I didn’t need to hear what I was doing wrong, that my mindset wasn’t ideal to raise an infant.

  I didn’t know what I was doing, but Cory was still alive, and there were days he even chuckled and babbled. He was growing. I never thought it possible, but he was.

  Cory’s whimpering had turned into full-blown crying by the time I got to his room. I picked him up, surprised when he instantly started to calm.

  “Hey, buddy. I get it,” I whispered. “I’m lonely, too. Do you miss her like I miss her?”

  Talking to Cory always helped him fall back to sleep, but it also helped me sort out my thoughts. He didn’t know what I talked about, and I got it all out without being judged.

  He snuggled against my chest, sighing. I smiled at the sound.

  “I wish I knew how to make things right with Katie, but I can’t. I’m a f—” I stopped, looking down at him. “I’m messed up, and if it weren’t for you, I probably would’ve already torn this whole house apart. I’m sorry. Your mother thought she did the best for you when she left you with me.” I sat on the bed. “She was wrong, Cory. You don’t know it yet, but she was so wrong. I never thought about being a father. Hell, I had only just started considering settling down, if I could ever be brave enough to ask Katie out. She’s one to keep, you know? Remember that. You need a woman like her.”

  I held him closer, resting my lips against the top of his small head. “I watched her in bars and heard others talking about her. People love and admire her. She’s always there when you need her. Like she is now…and I don’t deserve it. Never have, probably never will. I’m bad for her, Cory. I’m too furious at the world, too angry, too rough—too selfish. Honestly… I should have given you to your grandparents. They raised a child. A great one. They’d know what to do, but no. I’m too fucking—” I cringed. “Sorry…selfish to give you up. You’re my son now. You make me get up in the morning. You make me stay awake, you make me want to…get through this.”

  I swallowed, hating myself for being such a pussy. I should be doing all those things on my own. I should be wanting to live my life right because Leah no longer could.

  We hadn’t been lovers, but I’d trusted her with everything, and she’d kept my anger issues in check.

  “You know, when I met your mom the first time, I was fighting somebody on the playground. She rolled her eyes and told me she hated bullies. After that, we got close. She kept me in line. Sometimes I’d slip, but she’d reel me right back in. She showed me how to be a better man, and I knew I needed to be; otherwise, I’d end up in prison…or worse. I don’t want you to get into trouble just because I always did, right?”

  Hearing his steady breathing, I stood and laid Cory on the mattress, watching him for a long moment. I felt protective of him, but more often than not didn’t have the slightest idea if I was doing tings right. Jesus, babies were too fragile in my mind.

  “Who will make sure I’m the best man I can be now?” I whispered.

  I felt lost, but luckily, my son wouldn’t know or remember that. However, I sure as hell hoped I’d get my act together before he was old enough to see what a screw-up I was.

  * * *

  KATIE

  I’d heard every word, every emotion in his voice, and tears streamed down my face.

  I wondered if he knew that the only person who could pull himself out of this, could make him a better man, was himself.

  God, if only we could have started a relationship before all of this. If only I’d have spoken to him one of the million times I’d seen him at a bar and had wondered if he’d take me home. If only…

  I knew what ifs wouldn’t make this better, wouldn’t change it.

  As I sat on the sofa, I wondered if I should leave. Not only was he in over his head, so was I.

  HAYDEN

  Who knew cleaning actually gave you peace of mind.

  Or maybe it was just me. I didn’t know, and I didn’t really care. It was Saturday. I’d been back at work for a few days, glad to have the familiar routine. While my colleagues called me an ass most of the time, because I was, they were still supportive as hell, which eased some of the pressure on my chest.

  Katie was still a constant in my life, but I hadn’t kissed her again. In fact, we were now more like acquaintances than friends. It was polite between us, almost stiff, but I didn’t know why.

  I was also too afraid to ask, worried she’d leave completely.

  October was quickly becoming chilly, yet I had the windows in the house wide open, letting in the fresh hair, hoping to dissipate the smell of the cleaning products. I hated them, although they weren’t bad. It was just something I couldn’t stand.

  Probably another reason I hardly ever cleaned as thoroughly as I was today.

  Katie had taken Cory for a walk. Maybe I should’ve accompanied them, but I realized it was easy for me to pretend this was how my life was supposed to be—Katie, Cory, and me.

  “Hayden.”

  I spun, seeing Knox standing in my doorway.

  He grinned at me. “Leaving the door open so people can come in to watch you clean?”

  I smirked. “No. I left it open in the hopes that someone would come in and do this shit for me. What’s up?”

  We didn’t do social calls, so I worried something was wrong at home.

  He forced his hands into his back pockets, looking a little uneasy. “I just saw Katie and Cory outside. He sure is turning into a handsome boy.”

  I nodded, my grin fading. “Yeah, not my doing. The only thing he has from me is my tempter. I think he’s started picking that up.” Knox nodded. I cocked my head, crossing my arms. “Okay. W
hat?”

  He seemed to think a moment, then rubbed the back of his neck. “Can we sit?”

  I gestured to the living room and he sat on the couch. I leaned against the window, not wanting to sit. That would just make me even more restless.

  The silence made me antsy, but I figured Knox would start talking whenever he was ready—and I would be a decent guy for once and not push.

  “Katie says you’re not talking.”

  We were talking plenty, but I knew exactly what he referred to. “There’s nothing to talk about,” I replied, hoping this discussion was over, but I should’ve known better.

  “Yes, there is. How are you doing, Hayden? Really doing? Angry? Hurt? Numb?”

  I raised my brows. “Have we grown vaginas overnight? Doing girl talk?” I’d hoped to get him to grin. Didn’t work.

  He shook his head. “I don’t fucking care. You need to talk about it or it’ll kill you, eat you up from the inside. Scream at me if you want. Hell, we can throw some punches if you need to, but do something. Show some emotion.”

  I gritted my teeth, wondering which insult I should give him, but I just shook my head. “I talk to someone. I’m good.”

  He narrowed his eyes. “Cory isn’t someone. Talk to someone who tells you to pull your head out of your ass, grieve, then start to heal. No one expects you to get over the death of your best friend today, or next month, or even a year from now, but we expect you to live.”

  I spread my arms. “I’m standing, breathing, and talking. I cleaned and put food in the oven. What more do you want?”

  “Talk about it. Talk about hurting. Talk about being furious. Talk to someone who listens, who hugs you, who exchanges punches with you. Would you feel better if we went to the gym and boxed a few rounds? Get your anger out that way? Because you must be angry. Hell, I was when I first had Callum, too.”

  Callum was his teenage son, and although I knew a little bit about Knox, I couldn’t see him being an angry guy. In fact, he was a decent one, polite and helpful at all times.