Away

by Wolfe, B. A.

  “Yeah,” he answered back just as quietly.

  “What was tonight about? The dancing, the touching, telling me I was beautiful,” I unwillingly asked him. I wanted to know, but I didn’t. It was as if the words just slipped out of my mouth like vomit, uncontrollable. The chicken in me lost the fight.

  He stood there still as a statue, taking in a deep breath and releasing it slowly. “Why do you need to know? Why can’t you just enjoy the fact that you had fun? I know you did.”

  “Because I need to know, you can’t just do something like that and not have a reason for it. Why can’t you just commit to saying what it was about, why are you leaving this open-ended?”

  Amusement surfaced over his face, as if he was enjoying the torment he was causing me. “Sweetheart, why can’t you just learn to let things be? Let the chips fall where they may. Enjoy all the moments without worrying about the who, what, when, where, and why of everything.”

  “That’s not who I am,” I told him.

  “I’m beginning to see that, Cassandra,” he stated as he walked out of the bedroom, closing the door behind him.

  Ugh, why was he so difficult and why did I care so much? I red light all of this. I couldn’t help but huff as those words ran through my mind. Who would have thought code words could have been so amusing and exciting to use, let alone catch on to someone so quickly. It didn’t take away the fact I was still upset for the way we ended things tonight. I hit a trigger with him and it made me mad. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t just answer me, why he had to leave it out in the air. Was it because he knew I would be leaving when my car was done? I didn’t want to stop thinking about it, but sadly, exhaustion won, and out cold I went.

  “GOOD MORNING,” I SAID AS I pulled a mug from the cabinet, filling it with steaming coffee. I grabbed my mug and sat in the chair directly across from Jason. There was a plate of toast sitting in front of me. I was about to get up from the chair, worried I just took someone’s seat when Jason told me to sit back down.

  “I made the toast for you. I heard you getting sick again. I figured this would help your stomach.”

  Shit. He heard me. I didn’t even know what kind of excuse to use this time. My accident was days behind us and there was no logical explanation to use. “Thank you,” I said coyly, trying to avoid the subject. I was also unsure of what his mood was like after he abruptly left my room last night. I definitely pushed some wrong buttons and I felt guilty for pressing the issue. He was the one being so helpful to me. I had to remember that.

  He put his paper down and looked straight at me. I waited patiently for his response, prepared for anything at this point.

  “Listen. I’m sorry, Cassie. I didn’t like how we left things last night. I wasn’t being nice to you and that’s not me. You had a question and I dodged it. I’m sorry,” he apologized.

  What? Since when did men say they were sorry and for that matter, without even being told they did anything wrong? This was a very new revelation in all my studies of men over the past few years.

  “Thanks Jase, but really I’m the one that’s sorry. I’m sorry I badgered you about it. I’ll let it go or try to at least,” I replied.

  “Thank you, but I really am sorry Sweetheart,” he said, pressing his lips together. I could tell he felt like shit about it. I can’t deny he made me feel terrible for asking, but it was nice to have things smoothed over with him.

  And just like that we were back to being normal, whatever our normal was. No questions about my persistent nausea, and no more urging on my part about unexplained feelings. Except I still had questions, but I really was going to put forth the effort of learning to let things be. It was going to be hard, but if it was working for Jase, it had to work for me too.

  “So what’s on the agenda for today?” I asked, enjoying the toast he made me. He put his mug down. “I have an errand to run this morning but this afternoon, I have some things in mind for us. I’ll be back later, why don’t you take the morning off and relax,” he said.

  “Okay. Where are you going, though? Can I come with you? I promise I won’t ask questions, aside from the ones I just asked.”

  He let out a chuckle. “No. It’s easier if I just do it by myself. I have to, uh, help my dad with something.”

  He stood up from his chair and made his way to my side of the table. He slowly placed his hand gently against my cheek. “I’ll be back soon,” he told me, before walking out of the kitchen.

  Don’t think too much into that. Let it go... Don’t think, Cassandra. Don’t think. It wasn’t working. Trying not to think about it made me think about it more. Either he was feeling something for me, or he was just a very sweet and sensitive guy. Stop thinking, Cassandra Elizabeth. Stop thinking. Ugh, my stomach was starting to bundle itself into knots as I thought about the way that simple gesture made me feel. I’ve never had a guy do something like that before; it was caring, gentle and turned me to mush. Was it possible to feel something for a guy I just met? It wasn’t as if I didn’t know him, but I certainly didn’t know everything he kept hidden inside him. Which normally should scare a girl, but I couldn’t help feeling a strong pull toward him.

  Worrying about it was useless, unless I had answers from the source himself, and that wasn’t going to happen. Ugh, maybe Jase was right, I just needed to let it be and enjoy the fact that it made me happy. Because that is exactly what it did, whatever was going on, the bottom line was that I was enjoying myself. I was feeling content inside. He was starting to bring out the Cassandra I knew existed but could never find. I thought maybe she was lost for good, but perhaps getting lost was the real secret to being able to find myself, and Jase was the one helping to make all of it happen. A wide smile spread across my face as I realized for the first time in a very long time, I was smiling because I was happy, not because I was being forced to.

  I finished my toast and coffee, again feeling a pang of guilt for consuming caffeine when I felt it was in no way good for me, and this soon-to-be stomach hog growing inside of me. I had to figure out what route I was going to take, but my mind wasn’t ready to think about it yet. I had too much Jason on the brain.

  I was lying down on my bed, resting after a long hot shower. My brain had finally shut off all things Jase and I was suddenly wishing I had the world at my fingertips as Jason called it. I wanted to check in with Mel. Without being near him and his phone, I was without a way to talk to her. I wondered if she called him, what they talked about, wishing it was me that got to talk to her instead. And then boom it hit me like a ton of bricks. My stomach was hungry and growling. I grumbled as I got off the bed and decided to go do what Trish said, eat some crackers. My eyes ventured over to the bag hiding next to the dresser, the one they gave me at the hospital. Curiosity suddenly struck. I grabbed the bag and put it on the bed. I wanted to read the pamphlets. I didn’t know why now, but the curiosity of what information they had was beginning to intrigue me.

  I walked into the kitchen and opened the door that Jason assured me was not the door to his room but the pantry and began my search. “Ah-ha,” I screamed to myself when I saw the big red box that housed the crackers. I grabbed a pack and then a can of ginger ale in the fridge and made my way back to my room.

  I sat with my legs crossed on the bed as I opened my package of crackers and can of soda. That was much better. What a difference it made. Trish was obviously a mom, one I wish was more like mine, and one I wish I could be someday, just not today.

  I pulled one of the pamphlets titled ‘Your New Changing Body’ out of the bag. Gah. I opened it up and began reading. The section discussed my breasts becoming tender. My new mood swings and lastly, the nausea. Well, check, check, and check. I was without a doubt more pregnant than I realized. I looked down at my stomach that had yet to start growing; I was sure that information was in another pamphlet. “Why is it that so many women out there want a baby, yet here I am dreading every minute of this? I’m wishing and praying too hard, that you weren
’t in my stomach trying to make yourself a nice home,” I said. “I don’t have a good mom little seed. I’m not a good daughter. I lied, I ruined my life, yours included, and now our future as we know it is gone.” I was talking to it, and the things I was saying were cruel and hurtful. I was an awful mother. I started crying, letting the tears soak the pamphlet that was in my lap. This was just another reason that this baby shouldn’t be mine; I would be a horrible mother. I put the pamphlet back in the bag on my bed, wiped away the tears, and ate another cracker before putting the package next to my bed. “I guess those will be good to keep for emergencies,” I told myself.

  “Do you always talk to yourself Sweetheart?”

  I jumped up from my spot, almost spilling the soda that was in my hands. I shoved the bag from my bed to the floor in one quick movement before putting my hand to my chest. “Jason, good God, you scared the shit out of me.”

  “Clearly. I just heard you talking when I came down the hall and had to see who or what you were talking to.”

  I put my hand down from my chest. Then another wave hit. What all did he hear? “How long have you been listening to me?”

  “You’ve been talking to yourself that long?” he asked with a slightly scared look on his face. “Maybe you are my Crazy Cousin Cassandra.”

  “Very funny,” I said. He clearly didn’t hear me earlier. Thank God. “It was quiet in the house and I tend to talk to myself when I get lonely.” Or when I’m telling my growing seed how bad of a mother I’m going to be.

  As I sat waiting for Jase to respond, I couldn’t help but notice something seemed different, he didn’t seem like himself. Something was off.

  “Hey, are you okay?” I asked him.

  “Yeah I’m good,” he answered me with his eyes gazing at his feet. “You hungry?” He looked over at the nightstand with the crackers on it.

  “I only had a few, but yes, I could still eat,” I said. If he were telling me he was okay, then I would try my best to believe him.

  “Perfect, I grabbed lunch on my way home. Let’s go eat.”

  I got up from the bed and made my way to the door where he was standing. “You’ll want shoes.”

  Shoes?

  “Or boots. You pick, but I personally like the boots better,” he said before he left my room.

  Boots it was. I was glad I had on my yellow, summer sundress today as it matched my turquoise boots perfectly.

  HE PULLED INTO A PARKING SPOT across the street from the infamous tree that I damaged.

  “Jase?” I peered over to him before we got out of the truck.

  He smiled as I said his name. “Trust me.”

  I let out a sigh and got out of the truck, making my way toward him. He was carrying the bag of food he’d picked up on his way home and the blue quilt he had wrapped around me the night before.

  “This way.” He motioned for me to follow him, except we weren’t going to the tree; we were staying on this side of the street.

  We made our way over to a large, grassy area in front of an old building that appeared abandoned. He spread out the quilt and set the bag on it before slipping his boots off. “Boots off, Sweetheart.”

  I slipped off my socks and boots. The feel of the grass underneath my feet was refreshing. I stood there wiggling my toes in the grass when I felt Jase come up next to me, barefoot and all, proceeding to do the same.

  “What are we doing?” he asked me.

  “Have you ever just stopped and felt the cool grass under your feet before?” I asked.

  He let out a huff. “You’re learning to enjoy your moments.”

  I watched my feet for a second longer and realized, I sure the shit was. I couldn’t help but laugh. “You’re wearing off on me I guess,” I said.

  “What can I say? I’m pretty amazing. Now let’s eat, I got your favorite.”

  I didn’t know what I expected to come out of the bag but a chicken Cesar salad was not it. I guess I was waiting for the usual to come out.

  “Why do you look so stunned?” he asked, handing over my container and a fork.

  “Not stunned, just pleasantly surprised.”

  “I actually eat salads, I just really felt like splurging this week with you and wanted to get you to eat a burger or two.” He grinned.

  “I did enjoy the burgers, but I do love my salads,” I said.

  We were almost through with our lunch when I saw Jason grab his phone from his pocket.

  “Hi Melanie,” he answered.

  “Sorry I wasn’t able to answer earlier.”

  He laughed. “No, she’s still well and breathing.”

  “Actually right next to me.”

  “Just finishing up lunch outside on a blanket.”

  “Oh really? Well I can tell you without a doubt she is.”

  “I’ll let her know. Here she is.”

  “She says you’re not an outdoor girl and she’s proud of you,” Jase told me as he handed me his phone.

  I shook my head. I wasn’t an outdoor girl, but in my defense, I really hadn’t been given much opportunity to be.

  “Hey Mel.”

  “Hot Damn. Did he seriously just give you a picnic lunch?”

  “Can you excuse me for a sec?” I asked Jason quietly as I got off the blanket. I made my way over to the truck, so I could talk privately.

  “Yes. Pretty incredible, right?”

  “Is he as hot as he sounds? Cause he sounds damn hot.”

  “Very,” I sighed into the phone. He was hot, but his sweet disposition made him even more attractive.

  “Alright I’m more than okay with you staying now.”

  “It’s not like that. You know my situation. No way in hell am I dragging this nice guy into it.” I leaned against the passenger side of the truck, crossing my ankles as I stared at the ground.

  “If he is this nice now, something tells me he wouldn’t be stupid and let a girl like you go, regardless of your situation.”

  “I don’t even think he likes me like that. I think he’s just genuinely a nice guy.” I told her honestly. I knew there was a connection between us, but I wasn’t sure if it was just me that was feeling it.

  “Please tell me you’re joking? A guy who’s not interested does not, and I repeat, does not go through the trouble of taking a girl on a picnic, let her stay in his house, stay with her at the hospital, and talk to her friend like it’s not a problem if he doesn’t feel some sort of connection.”

  “Mel,” I said as my lips curled up. “That’s not all. He also got me to dance in the street under the stars, took me to his grandma’s for dinner, and took me shopping for boots.”

  “Holy shit! If you don’t jump on him, then I will.”

  “It’s not even like that. There is so much more to him. He’s not like other guys, like Parker. He’s not just into ass and boobs. He’s the guy that takes you home to meet the parents because he’s proud of you. Not the guy that keeps you a secret. I’m the secret. I’m the girl you hide from your parents because for one, the mom already knows I’m trouble. I’m with child Mel, not real girlfriend, long-term relationship material.”

  “Are you done talking now?”

  “Um, yeah?” I said, making it sound more like a question than an answer, unsure where she was taking this.

  “I don’t think you give Jason enough credit. You’re judging him. You’re being a hypocrite. You don’t want people to judge you like your parents do which is why you come to me instead. Yet you’re judging Jason on how you think he’ll react to your situation when you don’t even know what he’ll say. Stop preplanning every conversation in your head before it happens, because nine times out of ten, the conversation will go differently. Go finish lunch and think about what I’ve said. I love you girl.”

  I wasn’t sure how else to respond other than to do as she said. “Love you too Mel.” I snapped the phone closed and absorbed her words. I somberly walked back to our picnic in the grass and handed Jason back his phone.

  “
You okay?”

  “Yeah.”

  “What was that all about? You know I could have left if you wanted to gush to your friend about me and my awesome picnic,” he said, as if he knew exactly why I walked away.

  “Were you eavesdropping?” I asked, teasing him.

  “No, but you did come back looking upset. Talk to me.” He patted the open spot next to him on the blanket. I sat down next to him, noticing he cleaned up our empty lunch containers.

  “Okay. Can I ask you a question?”

  He looked over at me with a raised eyebrow.

  “No not like the game. It’s a question about life.” I said.

  “Go for it,” he said.

  “Do you ever go over in your head how someone will react to something you tell them, you know, like a conversation playing out?”

  “All the time, but only because I’m scared... I’m scared that I’m going to get hurt, so I reason with myself by saying it’s okay not to tell the person because I already know the outcome, but I don’t. The future is unknown; you can’t pre-plan in your head how life will play out until it does. Conversations included. I learned that a while ago, Cassie. If you never take the chance to let things play out, then how will you ever learn how to trust in other people? You’re just assuming you know, and remember what you told me about assuming,” he said, flashing me a wink. “Does that answer your question Sweetheart?”

  Between him and Mel, I wasn’t sure who was more spot on with how I’ve been acting lately, but it took Jason’s reasoning for me to realize how much I’ve been doing what I was always told not to… assume. “More than you’ll ever know.”

  He grabbed his socks and boots and slipped them on. I looked at him, waiting for him to say what he was doing because I wasn’t ready to leave yet.

  “Come here. I want to show you something. I know you already left your mark on the tree but I want you to leave another one,” he said with a devilish smile.