Love Nouveau

by Berry, B. L.

  “Hey, what’s going on?” Phoenix asks as he stifles a yawn. “Everything okay?”

  “Um, yeah. I just thought we could talk later.” I swallow my racing heart back into my chest where it belongs.

  “Well, I can talk now. What’s up? How did the bachelorette party go? I figured you’d be asleep until noon.” I hear him rustling in his bed. It’s difficult not to imagine him sitting up with a sleepy smile, perfect bed head and pajama bottoms hanging low on his hips. I’d happily give up all of the breakfast food in the world for a chance to see him lying next to me in pajama bottoms one morning.

  I don’t even know where to begin this conversation. I want to confront him. I want him to comfort me. I want to lift this cloud of guilt that is pushing me into the ground. Inside I am a melee of emotions and I really don’t want it to become evident in my voice.

  I hesitate and decide to rip the proverbial Band-Aid off as quickly as possible.

  “Who exactly is Hailey? And please don’t lie to me.”

  Even when the truth is a cold-hearted bitch, I would rather be hurt with honesty than soothed with a lie.

  “Shit, Ivy. That’s what this is about? I saw your text message and completely panicked. I thought something bad happened last night.” The relief in his voice is evident and it warms my heart. Though the tone combined with his assumption of me doing something bad is disheartening. He doesn’t trust me. But in fairness, he probably shouldn’t. My subconscious screams obscenities, reminding me that something bad did happen last night. I know I should tell him about the kiss and the wayward thoughts that followed, but I don’t dare ruin this moment.

  He takes a deep breath. “I’ve known Hailey since we were teenagers. There’s nothing romantic going on between us. She’s practically a sister to me.”

  I exhale all the air in my lungs and thank the sweet baby Jesus. I was reading into things. I seriously need to get a grip and simply tread carefully.

  “It’s just … I don’t know. I have trust issues. I’m messed up.” And it’s true. I have never let a guy in like I have with Phoenix. And with him seemingly light years away, my mind automatically goes to a dark place with each and every doubt. It is as if I’ve been unwrapped, bitten, and left to bleed out. Allowing myself to be vulnerable and actually feel something is scary as shit. It makes me feel weak and out of control. And I don’t do that emotion particularly well.

  “You’re not messed up, Ivy. I meant it when I said that Hailey was just a friend. She’s been going through a lot these past few months and your call yesterday interrupted a rather heated discussion we were having.”

  Heated? While my curiosity is piqued, I know it’s none of my damn business to even ask what it’s about, though I’m certain he’d tell me anyway. But I don’t even know the girl. Whatever issues she has, she has a right to hash them out with her friends.

  “You promise?” I ask, my voice barely audible.

  “Yes,” he says in a heavy exhale. “I swear.”

  In this moment, I want nothing more than for him to be standing in front of me, wrapping me tightly in his arms and reassuring me that everything will be okay. I want to look him in the eyes and just know that we are meant to be.

  Internally, I struggle with coming clean about the sexy exchange with the salt and pepper man and him forcing his lips on me on the dance floor. But it’s not like I was the one who kissed him, and I certainly did not kiss him back. So there’s no reason to feel guilty. Right? But would I have wanted Phoenix to walk into the club and catch me in a moment like that? No, absolutely not. So these feelings of guilt are totally justified right now.

  “So tell me, how’d it go?”

  “Ugh. It was something else,” I begin. “I learned my sister is a closet cokehead. No amount of alcohol could have prepared me for her bullshit. At least she was halfway nice to me, even if it was just all for show.” I leave out the part about him making me feel so paranoid and heartbroken that I broke out the booze before anyone even arrived.

  “Could’ve been worse, right?”

  It was. It was way worse than that. “Yeah, I suppose,” I say coolly.

  “I picked up your three voicemails around five this morning when I woke up to use the bathroom. It sounded like you guys were having a good time.”

  Voicemails? Plural? Oh, shit. That must have been the vodka calling. I know I left him that awkward one from the bathroom at the club, but there were two more messages? Fuck, this is not good. I cannot be held liable for anything I said in my overly emotional state. Why doesn’t the technology exist to prevent drunk dials to hot crushes halfway across the country? Those calls could have gone one of any number of ways. Suddenly, I find myself thankful that I’m alone on the balcony where no one can read the mortification in my eyes.

  What on earth did I say to him? Please, oh please, tell me I didn’t yell at him about Hailey. Or lay into him about needing to call his father. Or tell him off because I had a moment of insecurity.

  “Oh?” I play coy. Maybe if I don’t say anything, he’ll just bring it up in discussion?

  “Mm hmm,” he hums playfully into the phone. “Do you really think that?”

  Do I really think what? My heart begins to jump erratically in my rib cage and my head pounds. The only thing I’m really thinking right now is that I’m an idiot, but I can’t tell him that. I probably mindlessly rambled to the point of mortification. God, I hope he deleted those messages.

  “Well…” I say, trying to hide the uncertainty in my voice.

  “It’s okay. I know that you were drunk when you said it, so I’m going to let you off the hook if you didn’t mean it. But, for what it’s worth, I more than like you too.”

  I feel my face flush scarlet and I bite my lip to tame the ridiculous smile forming between my cheeks. Even in a haze of guilt and liquor, my heart still won out and gave a confession of the feelings I’m too afraid to admit in sobriety.

  “I am connected to you in ways I never dreamed possible. As much as we both hate this distance, it’s giving us a unique opportunity to build trust and really get to know each other without the physical shit getting in the way. Not that it’d be shitty to be physical with you. It’d be anything but that I’m sure. I mean, I’m sure you’re amazing and … I … damn it! I’m just going to shut up, now.”

  As he stumbles over his words, I giggle in relief, ignoring the continued creeping sensation of guilt on my soul.

  “Well, you’re right about one thing,” I say with confidence. “I am amazing.”

  Phoenix lets out a low groan on the other end of the line and I can only imagine the path his mind is taking.

  “Well, the good news is I’ll be in Chicago a week from today. After Sully’s wedding, I have a meeting with the executive team just north of the city on Monday to present my designs to them. I thought I could see you on Sunday? Who knows, perhaps I can get there in time to bring you a late breakfast? We could spend the whole day together.” I can hear the smile in his voice. “And maybe part of the night?” he adds with a hint of playful curiosity.

  “I’d like that. I’d like that very much.” I tuck some loose hair behind my ear and smile just thinking about spending time with him in person.

  “Perfect,” he whispers.

  Yes, it is perfect. Everything about this man is perfect. Why I deserve his attention is beyond me, but I’m not going to question it anymore. I can do this distance thing. I can and I will give it everything I’ve got.

  “And Ivy, I want you to know I meant what I said about Hailey. She’s just a friend. I’ve been yours since the moment I first saw you and you had no idea I even existed.”

  His words take my breath away and I feel my eyes start to fill with tears. I can’t recall anyone ever saying something so sweet to me.

  “There is no one else,” he whispers into the phone, assuring me.

  “Good.” The word falls out of my mouth before I can even process what I’ve said. Good? Of all the things I could possibl
y say right now, ‘good’ certainly is not one of them. I am such an idiot.

  “All right, well I need to get going. I’m meeting up with a few guys for a morning run.”

  “Okay,” I softly say.

  “Later, Cubby Bear.”

  “Have a good run.”

  I end the call and sit back in the Adirondack chair on the balcony, absorbing the breeze rolling over my body. For having barely slept a wink, I find myself feeling refreshed and downright giddy. His words echo in my soul…

  I’ve been yours since the moment I first saw you and you had no idea I even existed.

  This.

  This is surely what that “L word” feels like.

  I DAB CHERRY RED GLOSS on my lips and tousle my hair one last time. Surprisingly, I look and feel beautiful. The deep plum cocktail dress perfectly hugs my curves and complements my skin tones. Hopefully no one notices the bags under my eyes from my late night phone call with Phoenix.

  My insides burst at the thought of him. I’ve got it bad. I snatch my phone off the bed and blow a kiss at the camera as I take a photo of myself. I attach the picture and fire off a text.

  Ivy: Wish you were here! Is it Sunday morning yet? XO

  We are only a few days away from being reunited and my mind is racing with excitement. Within seconds, my phone chimes.

  Phoenix: We need a fast forward button. I’m about to have dinner with some friends and I could explode after seeing that photo.

  Explode? Oh, I can make him explode.

  Ivy: Is that so? Then we probably shouldn’t video chat tonight. I’d hate for your cause of death to read spontaneous explosion upon viewing my unmentionables. XO

  After tonight’s party, I’m planning on modeling my latest purchase from the intimates department at Saks during a video chat. You know, a tempting preview of what will be waiting for him this weekend. I can’t wait to see the look on his face. Even more, I can’t wait to see the look on his face this weekend.

  Phoenix: You are such a tease. And a vixen. I look forward to my demise. Wink.

  I laugh as I toss my phone into my purse and give myself one final glance in the mirror. Only three or four hours until we can reconnect on the phone tonight. Just thinking about Phoenix brings my face to a glow and I feel gorgeous from the inside out.

  AS MAID OF HONOR, GENEVIEVE expects me to dote on her every move. And knowing that my days here are numbered, I focus more on keeping the peace, so I oblige. When I walk into her bedroom and she baits me with a cheerful, “What do you think?” I know to plaster my fake with a look of awe and respond with, “Perfect.” She’s clearly going the virginal look this evening with a knee-length ivory dress complete with lace overlay and ballerina pink ribbon around her waist. I don’t know who she thinks she’s fooling. She lost her virgin status well over a decade ago.

  To kick off the wedding week festivities, our parents have rented the Signature Room, towering ninety-five floors into the Chicago skyline and boasting a dramatic 360-degree view of both the city and lake. It was a strategic move to flaunt our status and impress upon CJ’s parents that the Cotter family is un-fuck-with-able. Leave it to my mother to ensure that every detail is conducted in a flair of superiority.

  It is all incredibly ridiculous, in my humble opinion.

  “Mom and Dad left about twenty minutes ago. I told them we’d come over together. Besides, I wanted to chat with you,” Genevieve says. I eye her suspiciously. “You know, girl talk,” she adds with a shrug.

  Girl talk. Sure. I can’t wait to see where she’s going with this.

  “Well, we’d better head out, Gen. The guest of honor shouldn’t be too fashionably late for her own party.”

  Harold opens the back door for us and we slide across the leather interior of the Lincoln. I sneak a peek at my phone, hoping for another text from Phoenix. I frown when I realize he’s probably already with his friends for the night.

  “Expecting a call?” Genevieve asks with a bitter taste in her mouth.

  “No, just checking the time,” I say casually. “I’d hate for you to keep your public waiting.” I intend to be teasing, but I can tell that my comment grates across her skin. Genevieve’s eyes roll so far into the back of her head I’m certain she’s looking at the void where her brain should be.

  “God, you don’t have to be such a jealous bitch, Ivy,” she says as she pulls out her compact to admire her reflection. I bite my tongue. The metallic taste of blood fills my mouth and I look out the window, trying to ignore her. Just a few more days and I will be out of this place.

  The Hancock building is a little more than a mile from our home, but in this evening traffic it takes us nearly twenty minutes to get there. Leave it to Genevieve to keep her adoring fans waiting.

  Pulling up to the side of the skyscraper, I climb out of the car and follow Genevieve into the sleek lobby where an open elevator awaits us. The doors shut and she immediately begins checking her make up again in the reflection of the door, admiring her shiny, plump lips.

  “Ivy, I just want to let you know that I forgive you.”

  “Thanks, Gen. I shouldn’t have been so rude in the car.” The lie rolls right off my tongue. I couldn’t care less about my sister in this moment. The list of things I do care about is short—Phoenix, my best friend, and this job in New York.

  “No, I don’t care about that,” she pauses for a moment. “I meant about Glen. I know you were young and you made a mistake. I forgive you.” Her voice has an heir of dominance that sends a shudder down my spine.

  I’m left completely dumbfounded. Glen got off easy. So easy, in fact, that he was the one to break up with her.

  “Besides, it’s not like you could ever get a guy like Glen or CJ on your own,” she spats, flipping her auburn curls over her shoulder. “Try as you may to take all of the good things away from me, you will never succeed.”

  She plasters a smug smile to her hideous mug just as the doors open, then sashays toward the live jazz quartet that is playing in the Signature Room.

  “Bitch,” I mutter under my breath.

  This is definitely going to be a long night.

  I walk into the restaurant and scan the room, looking for Rachel. Long ago she’d agreed to be my date for all of these asinine wedding functions. When Mom and Dad learned I had no intention of allowing Matt to escort me, they voiced their disapproval. And when they realized I’d be bringing Rachel with me they blew a gasket, convinced that all of their well-to-do friends would think I was a lesbian. If my parents ever found out about my girl on girl experimentation, they would keel over and die on the spot.

  There is no sign of Rachel yet so I shoot her a text to let her know I’m here as I make my way over to the bar to order a gin and tonic. The bartender hands me my drink with a lazy, playful wink.

  The world moves in slow motion when I turn around, and I find myself in the zero gravity hesitation of peace just before the roller coaster hurls you back toward the earth.

  The first thing I hear is his laugh.

  After so many late nights on the phone with him, I’d recognize it anywhere. It comes from deep within his belly as joy erupts from his soul.

  My eyes follow the sound of his voice and zero in on him. A smile plays on my lips and my heart grows ten sizes in anticipation.

  He’s here.

  Phoenix is actually here. He came to surprise me and help me deal with my family and get me through all of this wedding bullshit! I couldn't ask for anything more in this moment. Now, more than ever, I’m certain he’s the one. He’s so thoughtful and selfless and unlike any guy I have ever wanted to be with.

  As I begin to make my way over to him, I’m walking on clouds, floating through the air.

  Until my crosshairs focus on his hand tenderly stroking the small of her back. A gesture so impossibly subtle and so fatally intimate that it brings me to a halt.

  On the other end of his hand is a petite blonde thing in a seductive little red number. I can’t see her face,
but you can tell by the way she carries herself that she is truly a sensational beauty. And even worse, she knows it.

  The feeling of my heart collapsing in on itself is suffocating. I can’t breathe with the weight of this reality crushing down on my chest. My mind blanks, my insides twist, and my stomach bottoms out as I slam into the Earth’s surface from my walk in the clouds.

  I want off of this ride.

  Desperately.

  I cannot believe what I’m seeing as I force my feet to continue moving toward him. Acid bubbles in my stomach, and anger takes over.

  Phoenix throws his head back in laughter again, shaking the floor beneath me with each hearty bellow. Smiling, he tilts his head down to whisper something to the girl, and she bites her lip seductively, undressing him with her eyes. I feel like a voyeur spying on a private moment between two longtime lovers.

  I’m halfway across the room when he locks my gaze. Those piercing eyes stop me in my tracks.

  “Ivy,” Phoenix calls out to me. He says my name as if it’s a statement, but his face reads question and surprise. It is clear that he was not expecting to run into me this evening. We were not intended to cross paths today.

  No, no, no.

  This cannot be happening to me.

  I quickly start to back away and trip over an ottoman in a sitting area by the grand windows. It’s evident that I look wasted as the contents of my drink have now ruined the silk of my bandage dress. Pushing myself to my feet, I grab my purse off the floor and run to the elevator bank.

  My heart rips from my chest and flies down the hallway, far away from here. I do all that I can keep up the chase in its pursuit.