“Life’s full of surprises.” Shay’s mind went back to the previous night. She wanted to smile, but her shame wouldn’t allow her. “You never know I might just surprise you and marry your son.” When Reggie nearly choked on his cranberry juice, she added, “I’m only playing.”
Reggie and Julia exchanged glances again, even more confused about Shay’s gleeful demeanor.
“Can I ask you guys something?” Shay didn’t wait for an answer. “Is it wrong to feel good about committing sin?”
“Explain what you mean,” Reggie said.
“Say you made a mistake and did something you knew was wrong, but what you did felt good and you liked it. I mean, you’re sorry for doing it and you feel guilty about it, but that doesn’t erase the fact that you enjoyed it and wouldn’t mind doing it again.”
Reggie responded first. “That doesn’t mean you felt good about committing the sin, what that means is that your flesh enjoyed it.”
Julia jumped in. “That’s normal, because sin feels good to the flesh.”
“How long does God make you pay for willfully doing something wrong?” Shay had to know the length of her punishment.
“Shay, there’s a penalty to every sin, but God forgives us the moment we ask for forgiveness because He sees us as righteous through the blood of Jesus,” Reggie answered.
“But what if you ask for forgiveness, but you’re not sure you won’t do it again? Then what?”
It was Julia’s turn. “Until you gain control over your flesh it will happen again. That’s why we have to be watchful and die daily by renewing our minds. We have to make sure our desires are for the things of God and not for the things of this world or the flesh.”
“Sometimes what we desire is not wrong, it’s just not the right time for us to have it,” Reggie added.
Shay thought for a moment then asked, “Can you forfeit what God has for you by moving outside of His will? Let’s say you did the right thing with the right person, but at the wrong time?”
“Shay, you have to remember God is forgiving and merciful. Sometimes He’ll delay what he has for you, but he won’t deny it.”
Shay ate the rest of her food without saying a word. Inwardly, she wondered if Brian and she were meant to be together. Deep down she believed they were. True they had a special connection and she really did care about him, for a second last night, she thought she loved him. She wasn’t sure, but she thought she heard him say those three words to her right before he released himself. She blinked back tears and wondered if they’d ruined their future.
Chapter 4
On the forty-five-minute drive from his Blackhawk home to see Brian in Oakland, Reggie couldn’t get his earlier conversation with Shay out of his mind. He thought it was more than a coincidence that both Shay and Brian had something on their minds at the same time. Reggie didn’t believe they knew what was really going on between the two of them. Almost from the beginning the two had shared a special connection. The connection they shared was so strong, they even felt each other’s pain.
Last year when Shay sprained her ankle rollerblading with her cousins, Brian walked with a limp until she recovered. The funny thing was, Brian didn’t even go rollerblading that day. He was tutoring at the True Worship Community Center when the accident occurred. Yet from the moment Shay called him, Brian instantly acquired a limp. Every time Brian caught a cold, Shay would walk around breathing through her nose and sucking constantly on Hall’s lemon-flavored cough drops.
Reggie and Julia realized a long time ago, their children were destined to be together, but vowed not to interfere with their lives. Neither Reggie nor Julia ever indicated approval or disapproval of their “non-existent” relationship. It didn’t take long for Alysse, Brian’s biological mother, to see the connection as well.
“Julia, what’s going on with our kids?” Alysse asked one night after Shay accompanied Brian to Arizona to visit her.
“Nothing, if you ask them,” Julia answered after placing the call on speaker so Reggie could hear.
“I was not born yesterday. Girl, you should have seen them, they were feeding each other ice cream. I could see if they had different flavors, but they were eating the same kind.” Alysse laughed.
“They’re quite interesting, I know.” Julia laughed with her.
“What are you and Reggie going to do about it?”
“Absolutely nothing,” Reggie interjected. “If anything evolves between them, it will be their choice, not ours.”
“I wasn’t talking to you.” Alysse cleared her throat. “As I was saying, Julia, would you be happy if it did?”
Julia chose her words carefully. She didn’t want to appear bias one-way or the other. “Alysse, as long as my daughter marries the man she loves and he loves her in return, I’ll be happy.”
“Well, I’m not as conservative as you are. I like Shay and I want to see them together. And if Brian asks for my opinion, or if I just feel like giving it to him, I will let him know that she’s the one.” Alysse was certain.
Thinking back now on the conversation, Reggie couldn’t help but wonder if Alysse’s prediction was correct.
Reggie parked his Mercedes in front of what used to be his parents’ home. Brian now lived here with his roommate, Todd. Reggie used his key to let himself in.
“Brian,” he called.
“I’m in the kitchen, Dad.”
Reggie found his son sitting at the kitchen table with his Bible open. As always whenever he saw his son, Reggie walked over to Brian and gave him a tight hug. After missing seventeen years of his son’s life, Reggie treasured every moment with him.
“What’s going on?” Reggie took a seat opposite Brian and helped himself to some red seedless grapes from the fruit bowl on the table.
Brian lowered his head. “I want your advice on something.”
“I’m listening.”
“I want to confess something I did wrong and I need help figuring out a way to keep it from happening again.”
“Son, what did you do?”
Brian kept his head lowered. “I had sex,” he whispered.
So that’s it, Reggie thought inwardly. With his thumb and forefinger, he lifted Brian’s head. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of; we all have sinned and fallen short at one time or another.”
“But, Dad, I knew better and I really enjoyed it?”
Reggie’s earlier conversation with Shay replayed over in his head. “That’s normal, fornication is a sin of the flesh and sin feels good to the flesh.” Reggie knew the answer, but he had to ask anyway. “Brian, with whom did you have sex?” Brian’s silence confirmed his suspicion. “It was Shay, wasn’t it?”
Brian was surprised. “Did she tell you?”
“No, but it’s not hard to figure out, since you guys are always together. I’m surprised something like this hadn’t happened sooner.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean the two of you aren’t teenagers, you’re twenty-three-year-old young adults with adult feelings and desires,” Reggie clarified. “The two of you have been in a “non-existent” relationship since the summer you met.”
“I know, but I thought I could control myself.” Brian sounded defeated. “But the more I tried the harder it got.”
“Son, never play games with your flesh. If you know you’re weak to something, stay away from it until you’re strong enough to overcome it.”
“I know. I did see the warning signs and I wanted to stop, but I just kept going. I mean, Shay is a beautiful woman.” Brian tried unsuccessfully to hide the smile that always creased his face at the thought of Shay’s physical attributes.
Reggie studied his son. “Why do you think you didn’t stop? Was it all physical for you or do you have feelings for her?”
“No, it wasn’t all physical,” Brian answered.
Reggie knew his son was stalling. “Son, how do feel about her?”
“I feel good about her?” Brian answered evasively then lo
oked away.
“Brian, do you love her?” Reggie asked plainly.
Brian looked his father in the eye and answered, “Yes, I do.”
“Does she know that?”
“I think so.”
“You think so?”
“I told her, but I don’t think she heard me. Even if she does know, it wouldn’t make a difference, because I told her our relationship was over and I was going to put some space between us.”
“So, you had sex with her and then told her you needed space?” Reggie paused. “I don’t want to steer you into doing something you’re not ready to do, but what do you see in the future for the two of you?”
“Whatever plans I may have had were ruined last night.”
“You made a mistake, but with some work and discipline, you can move past this.”
“I don’t know if I’ll ever stop feeling guilty and ashamed of what we did,” Brian admitted. “At least not enough to be with Shay again.”
Guilt and shame were two things Reggie knew a lot about. He almost lost his precious Julia behind it. “Have you asked God for forgiveness?”
“Yes.”
“Do you believe He’s forgiven you?”
“I think so. I’m not really sure. It seems too easy.”
“Brian, if you’re going to live by that Bible you’re reading, then you’re going to have to believe what it says. The Bible tells us that if we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive us of our sins and He will cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” Brian listened attentively.
“That same Bible tells us that if we walk after the things of the spirit and not after the flesh, there is no need for us to feel condemned about our past sins and mistakes. We are made righteous by the blood of Jesus. I know what it’s like to live like a prisoner after you’ve been set free. I almost lost Julia behind it and if you don’t dismiss the guilt by forgiving yourself, you and Shay don’t have a chance.”
“How do I do that? How do I forgive myself?” Brian earnestly asked. “I mean, I knew what I was doing and I knew it was wrong. But to be totally honest, I wanted to do it.”
“Brian, first take responsibility for your actions. Accept that you handed control of your life over to your flesh. Then leave the sin in the past. Do what it takes to build up your spiritual man and not your flesh and be watchful.”
“For instance, you and Shay have been intimate. Don’t tempt yourself by being alone with her. Meet in public places or come out to the house, but don’t hang out here alone. Don’t play little kissing and touching games, because you will find yourself right back in bed. And, son, you need to talk to her, to get a clear understanding of where your relationship is headed. That’s part of the problem. You and Shay have never defined your relationship. You won’t even admit that you have one. Invisible boundaries are easy to cross, but if you draw the boundaries together, you’re less likely to cross them because you’ll know what’s expected of you.”
Reggie spent the rest of the afternoon with his son. Before he left, he prayed for him. Only time would tell, if he got through to him or not.
***
Shay’s head had barely touched the pillow when her phone rang.
“Hello,” she said, without checking the caller ID.
“Did I wake you?” Brian asked.
Has his voice always been this sexy? “No, what’s on your mind?”
“Us.”
“There’s no us remember; you need space,” she said sarcastically.
“You’re right. I just wanted to make sure we have an understanding.”
“And the correct understanding would be—”
Brian breathed deeply into the phone. “That you and I will always be friends.”
Shay felt like she’d been punched in the stomach. Part of her had hoped they could build a relationship. All afternoon, last night replayed in her mind and she was almost certain he’d told her he loved her. Maybe that’s what people say when they’re at the zenith of satisfaction, she guessed.
“Brian, how do you feel about me?” She had to know.
“After all this time, you don’t know?”
“I’m not sure.”
In the dead silence that covered the line, Shay’s breathing accelerated and the pulse in her neck throbbed. “Brian?”
He cleared his throat. “LaShay Hampton, you’re a beautiful woman and my best friend and after last night, you’ll always have a special place in my heart.”
Shay didn’t bother saying good night. She hung up the phone and cried herself to sleep.
Chapter 5
Shay tossed and turned in her bed. For the third night in a row she couldn’t fall asleep without thinking about the pleasure she’d found in Brian’s bed. She hadn’t seen him in two weeks and every inch of her seemed to be crying out for his touch. Her ears longed to hear his voice. Since he announced his need for space, her eyes were opened to see how much he really meant to her. No matter what she told herself, the truth was she wanted him so badly, she could smell him. It wasn’t all physical; she could have sex with anyone, if that were the case. She missed Brian. She missed his company and conversation. Shay hated to admit it, but she wanted to make love to him again.
To release the tension, she increased her exercise routine by an hour and practiced meditation. Nothing worked. In fact, each workout left her more aroused.
Nighttime was the hardest for her. Last night, she had to jump in the shower in order to cool down enough to sleep. When she did fall asleep, her dreams were filled with images of him. She awakened drenched with perspiration.
“God, I can’t take this anymore. Why did he have to feel so good?” she cried and held onto her pillow to muffle the noise. “God, I am so sorry for opening this door, please forgive me. Please deliver me from this torture. I promise I’ll never do it again. I won’t have sex with anyone but my husband,” Shay vowed then rocked and cried until she fell asleep.
***
Reggie and Julia sat at the kitchen table watching Shay frantically move around, looking like a wild woman with her shoulder-length hair going every direction on the compass. She looked tired, like she hadn’t slept in days. It was two o’clock in the afternoon and she still wore pajamas. The white film in the corners of her mouth was indication she hadn’t brushed her teeth either. After pulling out every drawer and opening the cabinets, she moved to the den. She never said a word, so they had no idea what she was looking for.
Julia looked at her husband for an answer, but he didn’t have one, just shrugged his shoulders. Reggie had noticed Shay’s erratic behavior and had a pretty good idea as to what was bothering her. Brian was having similar issues. The other day at Starbucks, Brian went off because the young man gave him a grande instead of a tall caramel apple cider. It didn’t matter that they charged him for the smaller size. “That’s not what I want!” he yelled until they made him the right size.
Shay stormed back into the kitchen. “Have you guys seen my gold charm bracelet?”
Julia ignored her daughter’s rudeness. “Good afternoon, Shay.”
“I said have you seen my gold charm bracelet?”
Julia stood and pulled the piece of jewelry Brian had given Shay for her last birthday from her pocket. “Here,” Julia said softly. “I found it on the floor in the den.”
“Mama, why didn’t you tell me you had it? You saw me running around here searching for it!” Shay yelled at her mother.
“This is not going to end well,” Reggie mumbled.
Julia swallowed hard. “Next time try opening that big mouth of yours and saying something.” Julia’s voice sounded too sweet, almost sugary.
Reggie stood.
Shay rolled her neck and screamed at her mother. “I don’t have to tell you everything, I’m a grown—”
The avalanche came so fast, Shay didn’t get the chance to complete her sentence. Julia literally slammed the words out of her mouth. With ease, Julia grabbed her, flung her across the table and sla
mmed her onto the kitchen floor. Shay thought she was about to die. Reggie grabbed Julia from behind and carried her out of the kitchen to keep her from doing any more damage. Shay took the opportunity to run for cover inside of her room.
It took Reggie thirty minutes to calm Julia down and make her promise she wouldn’t kill her daughter, before he allowed her to go upstairs.
“Mama, I’m sorry,” Shay said when Julia stepped into her room without knocking.
“What is going on with you, Shay? “I’m going to give you a chance to tell the truth, before I read your mail.”
“I got upset when I couldn’t find my bracelet, that’s all.” Shay turned away from her mother.
“I’m not talking about just today. You’ve haven’t been yourself for over two weeks. What’s bothering you and don’t say nothing.”
Shay didn’t respond, she couldn’t without telling her mother the whole story and she was too embarrassed to do that.
“Shay,” Julia persisted.
“I can’t say,” she finally answered between sniffles.
Julia sighed deeply. “I’m turning into my mother.” Ana Simone could see through every smoke screen, like she had some kind of truth magnet chip embedded in her.
“Then I’ll say it for you. You had sex and now you feel guilty about it because you want to do it again,” Julia stated plainly.
Shay looked at her mother in disbelief. “How did you know?”
“The questions you asked about the flesh and sin were a dead giveaway.”
“Oh.” Shay’s voice was just above a whisper. “Do you know with whom?”
Julia twisted her face. “Let me take a wild guess. He’s twenty-three, six foot four, dark-complexioned with a left dimple and looks a lot like my husband.” Julia folded her arms, effectively daring her daughter to deny it. “Am I close?”
Shay was embarrassed, but also relieved, at least now she didn’t have to hide it. “Did he tell you?”
“No he didn’t, but the way he’s been avoiding you and this house was a good clue.”
Shay sat with her shoulders slumped.
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