by J P Barnaby
“I thought you’d be packing….” Ethan said from the doorway nearly twenty minutes later. I looked up at him, but he didn’t say anything, so I went back to typing.
“Jayden….”
“Look, I know you want this space for you next tenant,” I said, injecting more venom into the last word. “But I am paid up through the end of the month. I’ll be out before then.” The color slowly drained from his face.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean….” I cut him off.
“I know, but to hear you call me just a tenant – it pissed me off, Ethan.” I looked away.
“I’m sorry,” he offered again, his hands balled up into fists at his sides. I hoped he wasn’t there for a session, because I would have safe-worded before the words were all the way out of his mouth. There was no way I would risk a repeat of our last session when he was upset. “I’m not used to having so many strong feelings, Jayden. I know that you have to go, and I know why, but that doesn’t make it any easier. You have come to be my friend, probably my closest friend. It is selfish of me to want to keep you here.” He looked at the floor and I sighed.
“Ethan, you are probably my best friend too, if I needed to quantify it. I don’t want to live in Chicago for a year, but I caused my father enough grief. It’s my duty and really, my honor, to help save something he had worked so long to build.” He nodded and we said our goodnights. It was a long time before I fell asleep.
Over next few days, while I was getting everything ready, Ethan was very quiet, only making a few comments on the houses I’d looked at online, but otherwise had kept to himself. I was having my stuff shipped to my parents’ townhouse – well, now Kim and Josh’s townhouse, until I decided on a house. Mr. Rotes had put me in touch with a fantastic realtor and I knew it wouldn’t be long before I found something. Honestly, I was excited about buying my first house. That simple transaction, more than any other, made me feel like an adult. Even though I’d been on my own since I had started college, I’d always had my parents to fall back on. Now, I would be standing alone, making my first major purchase. My life was changing so drastically so fast, I was just trying to keep up.
As I tossed the last two boxes into my truck, I caught Ethan watching me from the doorway. Just before he turned away, I caught the look of pain that ravaged his perfect face.
My heart clenched at the sight.
“Well, everything is finally finished. When I leave for Chicago tomorrow, all of my stuff should be there.” I knew that working in my father’s company was something I needed to do; something Kimberly needed to do, but that didn’t make leaving Ethan any easier. Over the last year and a half, somehow, amazingly, he had become my best friend. Even though I knew we would not lose contact, I would still miss our daily interactions. “I should probably get to bed, tomorrow is going to be a long day.” I turned toward the stairs when Ethan’s hand on my arm stopped me, the depth and clarity of the emotions shown in his eyes was staggering.
“Wait….” he requested. He hesitated, and I searched his face. On the surface, he was calm, but I could see the tempest just underneath working to break free. “I wanted to ask you something.”
“Sure, Ethan?” I was curious and somewhat concerned by his sudden awkwardness.
“I….” he started then paused, looking down at the floor
“Please, Ethan, what is it?” I asked, putting my hand on his shoulder. Whatever he wanted to ask, it was certainly difficult for him.
“I wanted to ask you to….” he started again, and then looked up into my face. “No. I need for you to show me what you showed Lexi.”
My brow furrowed, and I tried to figure out what he meant. Obviously he would have just as much trouble putting it any other way. Then, as Lexi’s soft voice came into my head, I understood.
“I’ve never made love before, it’s always been... I.. Well, I was a virgin when I came to Master Ethan. I’ve been with him for two years, and I’ve never been with anyone else. Would you make love to me, Jayden?”
The dawning recognition must have registered in my face, because his eyes went to the floor again. He was obviously embarrassed by the request because he turned to go upstairs. This time, I stopped him, but not with a hand on his shoulder, but my taking his hand in mine. I nodded, and he squeezed my hand in response. We started up the stairs together, and he surprised me by bypassing the second floor and heading to the third. Through my shock, I realized that during all of my time here, I’d never seen Ethan bring anyone up to his room. He once told me that subs never slept in his bed, ever. However, I was no longer a sub – and tonight, it wasn’t about that relationship. Tonight, he was just Ethan, and I was just Jayden.
He opened the door to his bedroom, and I was struck at its majestic beauty, artfully decorated in shades of blue with matching dark wood furniture, almost nautical in its color scheme. Just like everything else in Ethan’s life, it was ordered and meticulous in its form and function. He walked over to the side table and removed a small bottle from the top drawer, laying it on the top without a word.
“I don’t know what love is, Jayden. I’ve spent my whole adult life trying to figure that out, but I can’t. I remember the feeling of my mother’s love from my childhood. Before my life went to hell, she made me feel safe, like a warm glow inside me. I have that same feeling for Lexi, and I feel the word when I look at her. But when we ‘made love’ in the playroom before her departure for New York, it felt like just another session. It wasn’t any different for me. I thought it would be different, that I would feel different. I’m starting to think that maybe… well, maybe he took that too – my ability to fall in love.” couldn’t answer him. The overwhelming sadness in his face threatened to drown me, and I finally understood. Ethan experienced a feeling, that feeling that you get in the pit of your stomach, that basest of instincts – but he had no frame of reference, he couldn’t process it. Like a small child that sees a puppy – they get that rush, that feeling that tells them that they want it, that they love it – but they have no concept of what that means. Ethan cannot discern the disparate granular levels of love. The love of a mother, the love of a wife, even the love of a friend – they are all the same to him. He had not found that one person that will contrast the intensity of romantic love from the comfort of platonic love. “It’s not that I don’t want it, it’s that I don’t think I’m capable of it,” he finished in a broken whisper.
I didn’t stop to think, or allow him to think, I just let my emotions burst from behind the dam that was barely containing them and took his face in both my hands. Watching as the sadness left his eyes and was replaced by longing, I continued to stroke his soft skin as our lips met. This kiss wasn’t like others we’d shared. This kiss was tender and full of meaning; there was emotion there that I don’t think was ever present before. His arms slid around my waist as our kiss deepened, and I let my fingers move up to his soft unruly hair and he moaned as I toyed with it, letting the affection I feel for him flow through.
He reached for the hem of my t-shirt and I released him just long enough for us to get both of our shirts off. When we came together again, I felt every inch of his lean, muscular chest against mine in an erotic sensation. I wanted to grind my hips into him and let him feel what he was doing to me, but I knew I had to be very careful with Ethan, and take things slowly. Gently, I walked him back towards the bed and we climbed into it. Pushing him back onto the pillows, I rested my body between his parted thighs and he gasped quietly as my hips came into contact with his, my nearly throbbing erection pressed tightly against his. Almost experimentally, he moved his hips and groaned at the friction.
I kissed him again, wanting him to feel comfortable in his admittedly submissive position, while his hands roamed ceaselessly over my naked back and chest. I broke our kiss to move slowly down his perfect body, starting with gentle open mouthed kisses on his neck and shoulders as he shifted beneath me and I smiled to myself. Next, I took one of his hardened nipples between my lips. W
hen his head pushed back into the pillow and he moaned, I wondered if anyone had ever touched him in this way – tenderly, lovingly. I rubbed his other nipple with my thumb forcing a low breathless utterance of my name from his parted lips. His hips continued to grind slowly against mine, adding to the already mounting pressure of my arousal. I switched my mouth to his other nipple, and when he arched his back, I took the opportunity to slide his pajama pants down to his knees. Entwining his fingers in my hair as my lips moved over his stomach, his breathing accelerated. To relay my feelings of affection, I turned my head and let my cheek slide over the muscles of his abdomen, taking my time covering his stomach and sides with tender kisses. Moving down a bit farther, I finished removing his sleep pants before quickly removing my own. I was completely naked in bed with Ethan.
I used my palms to gently push his legs apart, and then began to cover the insides of his thighs with soft open-mouthed kisses, spending good deal of time moving from his knee to just where his thigh meets his hip. Finally, I took his desperately hard erection into my mouth. Even though I had performed this act on him countless times, this time felt different, it felt much more intimate. If we were going to attempt what he wanted, he needed to be incredibly aroused. I felt the smooth texture of the head as my tongue passed over it. He was moaning incessantly now, his fingers tugging gently at my hair. For probably the first time in his life, he was feeling the underlying emotions, along with the physical sensations. I knew he was trying to stop himself from controlling my movements – which was good, because I was in charge now. Taking him deeper into my mouth, I was unable to stop the moan that reverberated around him. Slowly, his hips began to move, and I matched his rhythm, listening to him moaning and panting, rapidly losing that carefully cultivated control. Continuously, I teased, sucked him almost into my throat, and when his hands released my hair and grasped desperately at the bed clothes, I knew that it was time.
As if he’d read my thoughts, I felt him nudge my shoulder with the bottle he’d sat out earlier. I took it and rubbed my cock with a little of its contents. Again, I moaned around him in my mouth as my oversensitive erection twitched with the additional friction. Then I spread a moderate around his anus, being careful not to push him too far. Finally, I let him slid from my mouth and rubbed the lubricant onto his pulsing cock as he pumped it in and out of my hand, and then I drew his legs up and positioned myself.
“Ethan?” He nodded, pushing himself onto me, and I felt the head of my cock slide effortlessly into him. Sucking in a breath, he whimpered very softly. I stopped to let him adjust to the penetration, but he wrapped his legs around my waist, and pulled me closer – and subsequently deeper into him. When I was about halfway there, he closed his eyes tightly.
I stopped, and his head began to rock back and forth. That’s when I noticed his tears falling; his face was full of pain. Somehow, I knew the pain wasn’t physical. In his mind, he was back in that dark time of his life. Whether it was a flashback, or just a bad memory, I didn’t know, but I did know I had to refocus his attention, return his focus to me. Leaning forward, I laid my palm on his face. Wiping his tear streaked cheek; I pressed my lips against his forehead. His face was hot, flushed, and his breathing was uncontrolled. It hurt me that I was causing him pain, my heart ached for what he must be remembering; the severity of the trauma that would cause this kind of reaction in someone as strong as he was, it had to be devastating. Propping myself on my elbows, I took his face in both of my hands.
“Ethan, it’s me. It’s just me, angel, open your eyes,” I said softly, trying to bring him back to me. His eyes opened, and more tears fell. In that moment, I would have done anything to take his pain away. He didn’t deserve it. When I began to pull back, he used his legs to pull me forward again as he took deep breath, and then nodded. I took my hand from his face, and reached down to stroke him. As his hips began to move more fervently, so did mine, thrusting gently into him, penetrating him deeper with each forward movement. Eagerly, I stroked him in time with my rhythm. I had never made love to another man, and Ethan was incredibly tight. It took all of my concentration to keep my orgasm at bay. It seemed as if he had lost all measure of his careful control as his vocalizations became more pronounced, and his head was thrown back, as I steadily pushed into him.
“Oh, God…” he whimpered as his hands grasped my arms, almost as if he just needed something to hold on to. He moaned, a low guttural sound, primal, as his orgasm threatened to overtake him, and I stroked him harder, desperate to get him there. “Fuck!” he cried, his grip tightening on my arms. “Fuck … Jayden … I love you,” he intoned as his orgasm shot through him and onto his stomach, his cock twitching and jerking in my hand as he came, his muscles tightening around me. His admission caught me so off guard that my control slipped, and I immediately followed, my own orgasm ripping through me as I cried out, filling him.
My head dropped to his shoulder and I wrapped my arms around his chest. I held him against me feeling exposed and vulnerable. He clenched around me once, twice, spasmodically as his orgasm started to subside forcibly drawing my attention to our position. This wasn’t about domination or submission any longer, and I couldn’t justify to myself that I had just made love to another man. It called into question everything I ever knew about my own sexuality. If my attraction to him went beyond my submission, what did that mean, about who I was and what kind of relationships I was looking for? I never considered, never even entertained the notion that I could be gay. Had that changed?
After a moment, we lay panting in the aftermath of what I can only describe as sweet, emotional love making. In at least some fundamental way, I do love Ethan. While I’m not sure I could be in love with him, he will always be very special to me. Even though he isn’t capable of feeling that love, I hope that I was able to let that flow through to him. I hope he was able to feel at least some degree of the emotion I hold for him, and I wanted him to be able to feel what it’s like to be loved, to be wanted in every way, not just physically desired. I leaned forward gently, feeling my softened cock slide from him, and kissed his forehead. After a while, I moved my lips down slowly and kissed him deeply. It wasn’t a sexual kiss, it was a grateful kiss; he had just let me share something very special with him. He smiled at me as I moved to climb out of the bed, but he stopped me swiftly with a hand on my arm.
“Thank you,” he said softly, and I leaned down to kiss him once again before standing.
The next day, I was leaving for Chicago. Now that I was a Dom as well, I knew that the sexual part of our relationship, the BDSM part, may be coming to a close. The pain of it was almost a physical ache, and reminded me of my day in the playroom, the day he gave me that one word that I could use to walk away. Never, in the whole time that Ethan and I had been in our relationship did I think I would use that word. I couldn’t keep him hanging here, waiting for me for an entire year. He needed to move on, and find another submissive, someone that could help him keep his dominant identity, to remind him of who he was.
As I walked to his bedroom door, full of sorrow for our impending separation, I laid my cuff on his dresser. Then, I turned to him and finally let my emotions show.
“Sunset, Master Ethan.”
Epilogue
Kimberly, Josh, and I assimilated ourselves into the corporate environment without much fanfare. The other executives welcomed us, especially the ones that had been loyal to our father. They knew that we were there to carry on his legacy, and they appreciated us for it. Kimberly and I had made peace in our relationship. She seemed to be more understanding of our lifestyle, and that caused less friction between us. Of course, I could always count on Josh to make the occasional off-color joke about being ‘tied-up’ rather than busy, but even he was starting to find a place in my life. To this day, I will wonder if he knows that his cousin Nicole is a Domme. It’s not my place to out her, though, so I keep my silence.
With my inheritance, I’d been able to buy a nice large house, and was putting
together a room much like Ethan’s. had most of the equipment installed, the walls soundproofed, and I was just waiting for some of the more extravagant accessories to arrive. Before, when the money had belonged to my parents, I’d hated having it. I felt undeserving. Now, I welcomed it. It gave me the freedom to do what I wanted and with the right equipment.
I wished that Lexi were here. She would know what to do about Ethan - it had been weeks since he and I had talked and our last conversation was awkward and abrupt. It seems like forever since I’d seen her. We constantly talked over IM, text, and webcam whenever we were able to get together. knew that she had graduated, and was talking about staying in New York. Thankfully, she had a substantial nest egg to live off of, so she wasn’t too worried about it. She had mentioned an interview last week, but I think she’s still waiting to hear.
I had picked up beer and pizza, and was looking forward to a relaxing night. My phone beeped, and I got a text from the maid to let me know I had a couple of deliveries. I smiled to myself. Ethan had become distant and brooding since our experience that last night. If it made him happy, I wasn’t going to complain if he got me a present. Just the fact that he thought that much of me made me feel good. I instructed Consuela to have the things put in the playroom. Thankfully I had found a maid that didn’t balk at the sight of all of the bondage equipment. In fact, she had been giving me a certain look lately that made me smile.
I pulled into the drive, and then carried dinner into the house. I set it on the table and then headed straight up the stairs. My room was on the second floor, as Ethan’s was and I headed in. At first, I didn’t notice anything, but then my eyes were drawn to a large wrapped box with a big red bow. It had to be a new piece of equipment, but what had I not bought? God, I loved the way his mind worked. As we walked over to the box, I saw another smaller box sitting on the table. It was wrapped in the same paper, and had a matching bow.