Accidental Man Whore

by Katherine Stevens

  I prop my legs up on his lap. “Let me get this straight. You’re named Benjamin and you have a brother named Jacob and you’re not Jewish?”

  He nods. “Right.”

  “I don’t think that’s even legal.” I’ve never heard of such a thing.

  He shrugs his shoulders. “You’re the expert in the room.”

  I nudge his knee with my foot. He catches it and tickles the bottom. The joke’s on him because my feet aren’t ticklish at all.

  “I’m pretty sure The State of Florida vs Finkelstein ruled you can’t have more than one child with a traditionally Jewish name without converting. It’s the law. Your whole family’s in violation.”

  He gives the tickling extra effort. “Did you just make that up?”

  I try to pull my foot away, but his grip is tight. I wonder what else his strong hands can do.

  “I did, but I stand by the principle. Your family is probably already on some sort of rabbinic watch list.”

  “I’ve got your watch list right here.”

  He pulls both my legs so that I slide down the couch. He lunges toward me, covering my body with his. He tickles down my ribs, which are much more sensitive than my feet. I squirm under him, trying to catch my breath through the laughter. He has mercy after about thirty seconds and I gulp in air.

  “Will you stay with me tonight?” I don’t know what made me say that. I like him here, but I don’t want him to think I’m desperate. “I mean, if you want. You could stay. Here. Tonight.”

  He brushes the tousled hair off my face. “I want to stay.”

  I can’t read his face. When we first met for this stupid arrangement, he told me I was the most desperate person he’d seen. I don’t want him to pity me. I like his company; I’m not angling to be another woman who uses him for his body. “Your penis stays in your pants, though. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea.”

  He laughs and rests his forehead against my chin for a second before looking back at me. “No problem there. I don’t want to get hit again. You’ve tasted blood today and I’m scared of you.”

  I grunt. I’m never going to live that down. “I’m still really sorry about that. Well, about hitting you. I’m not sorry I hit my ex. He had that coming.”

  “I’m not going to argue with you on that because I don’t want to get punched in the dick.”

  I push on his shoulders to signal that I want him to get off me. “I think we’ve talked about this enough for one night. I’m ready for bed. Are you?” I yawn at my own mention of bed. It’s early, but it’s been a long day.

  He stands up and holds his hand out to help me. “Ready when you are, Mike Tyson.”

  He follows me to the bedroom where I start stacking the pillows on the floor.

  “Why do you have so many pillows?”

  I count the ones on the floor and the bed. “I only have nine.”

  “That’s eight more than I have.”

  I continue stacking the extras on the floor. “I make no apologies for my pillow surplus. You’re just jealous you don’t have as many pillows as I do.”

  He rolls his eyes. “Sure. We’ll go with that.”

  I decide it’s best to sleep in the shorts and shirt I’m already wearing. I usually sleep in lacey nightgowns, but tonight is not the best night for that. Because I want him to keep his penis to himself. Or so I’m telling myself.

  I flip off the light and climb in bed. It’s dark, but there’s enough light filtering in from the parking lot that I can see. Ben takes off his T-shirt and I almost turn the light back on. He has muscles on top of muscles. I mean, I knew he was in good shape, but not like this. These are ruin-you-for-other-men-type muscles. He takes off his sneakers and socks and climbs into bed next to me.

  He wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me tight against him. It’s like being held by a rock formation. I roll to face him and rub my hands up his bare back. I have so many questions. Is he an amateur body builder? When does he have time to maintain this between two jobs and caring for his dad? Why does he even wear shirts? Can I pay him to walk around shirtless in my apartment every day?

  So much for judging other women for wanting him for his body. I get it now. I don’t feel good about it, but I get it.

  He places a kiss on my forehead. It’s sweet, but it’s not enough. I haven’t had a man in my bed in a little while, but my body remembers what you’re supposed to do.

  I slide my body up toward the headboard. This way, our faces can at least be level. I slide my nose along his cheek until my mouth hovers in front of his. My tongue runs along his bottom lip before sliding inside.

  I love this part, when everything is new and perfect. Everything about this moment is perfect. I focus on noticing everything—the sheets rustling as our legs tangle together, the feeling of his warm hand sliding up the back of my shirt, the smoothness of his shoulders.

  His hand glides from my back down to my ass. Really, how are his hands this big? I’m inches away from confirming the correlation to other things. I think I’ve made a terrible mistake.

  I pull my mouth away from his. “I’ve changed my mind on the penis thing.” My voice slips out in a breathy whisper. “I would very much like it to come out now.”

  He puts his hand on my cheek and looks at me with all the sincerity in the world. “No takebacks.”

  “You can’t be serious.” He’s not serious. He can’t be.

  He rolls his eyes. “Of course I’m not serious.”

  Thank goodness. I’m so desperate for him, it’s painful. There, I admitted it. I’m desperate. But not just for anyone. I want him. Now.

  I tug at the elastic waistband of his gym shorts. He takes my forearm and pulls my hand away.

  “But I haven’t even taken you out on a real date yet. I don’t want to fuck you before I even take you out. You’re… important. I want you to know that.”

  How am I even supposed to respond to that? A guy I once thought had zero morals is turning me down for sex because I’m important to him. I have no idea what to do with this information.

  I rub my palm across the light stubble on his face. “We had a first real date. You took me for ice cream, remember?”

  He kisses my chin. “That doesn’t count.”

  “It counts in my book.” I can’t believe I’m throwing myself at a heterosexual man and getting shot down. This has to be the first time in history a man’s turned down an easy lay. Fuck me, already.

  His hand strokes the back of my head and down my hair. “Okay, then let me take you on a better date.”

  Sheba will never in a million years believe this. I’m here and I don’t even believe it. “What do you propose?” For a lawyer, I’ve never been great at the art of compromise in my personal life. I want what I want and I bulldoze almost everyone to get my way. But I don’t want to bulldoze Ben. And that’s new.

  “Is dinner and a movie too cliché?” His eyes look hopeful. “I’ll pick the restaurant because your people eat some really weird stuff and I don’t trust you. You can pick the movie.”

  He’s asking for dinner and a movie in lieu of a quick fuck? Well, something tells me it wouldn’t be quick, but still.

  “You’re an anomaly, Benjamin Wright… an important anomaly. I agree to your terms, though I am under duress.”

  CHAPTER 15

  FLOWERS & OTHER F WORDS

  BEN

  I should’ve picked the fucking movie. She wants to see some arthouse flick at the theater that shows movies none of the real movie studios will order.

  I picked a nice Cuban restaurant for dinner. Then we’ll see some movie about a guy who drives a lawn mower around town and it’s a metaphor for some shit I don’t understand. She never gets to pick a movie again. I was prepared to sit through a chick flick, but not this.

  Last night was… a lot. I was sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. Stephanie would not stop calling and texting. She said Juliana ordered me last night and I’d better be there. Those weren’t
her exact words, but let’s call it what it is. I was a thing to be ordered and delivered.

  I had some fun with Juliana at first, but I’m focused on other things now. She’s not fun anymore, and I’m not giving up the chance to have a lot of fun with someone I like a whole lot better.

  When Miryam called and said she needed me. Me. I felt like a motherfucking superhero. I took the van, but I bet I could’ve flown the whole way there.

  She’s been through so much. I thought she was a mega bitch, but she’s just a survivor. Her dad bailed and then she lost her mom? I wouldn’t put up with any bullshit either.

  Holding her in bed was a million times more intimate than any fuck I’ve ever had. Christ. I can’t even describe it. My dick was like a rock. I wanted her so bad it scared me.

  She’s like holding a black-market firework—it’s exciting and beautiful, but you might lose a hand.

  I don’t want her to think she’s just another notch on my bedpost. I don’t have a bedpost, but whatever. I like her. Like her, like her. She doesn’t need to think another man is setting her up to bail on her. She has me thinking about adult things I’ve never thought about before.

  She also has me thinking about different kinds of adult things. Like how I don’t know if I can make it through dinner without bending her over the table. I’m going to have to jerk off at least three more times before our date. I need to buy more lube while I’m out.

  ***

  I pull up to my dad’s house after I finish up work. He finished all his chemo. We’re just waiting for the tests to come back and tell us all the cancer is gone. Dr. Barry says he doesn’t expect any other result. I can’t wait to have this whole thing behind us.

  I almost break my shoulder running into the front door. He locked it for once. Maybe an old dog can learn new tricks.

  I unlock the door and walk inside.

  “Was that you banging into my door?” Dad yells from his recliner.

  I grab an apple from the bowl. “You locked it. I’m impressed.”

  “There better not be any damage,” he grumbles.

  That door is as old as the house. No one would be able to tell if there was another ding in it. He just loves playing the crotchety old man role.

  “How you feeling?” I plop down on the couch and take a bite of my fruit.

  He doesn’t take his eyes off the TV. “Like the goddamn champion I am.”

  “Any word from Barry on the results?”

  “He called about thirty minutes ago. Results are back. No evidence of disease.” Still doesn’t look away from the TV.

  I sit up straighter and drop my apple in my lap. “Are you serious? Why didn’t you call? This is what we’ve been waiting for!”

  He finally looks at me. “Because I didn’t want you to make a fuss.” He points the remote at me. “I can see you thinking about making a fuss. Stop it now. This is just another day.”

  I pull out my phone. “I’m calling Jacob. We’re going to throw a block party. I’m hiring a band and an Air Force flyover.”

  “I know you’re joking, but this is exactly what I’m talking about. I’ll call your brother after he gets off work and tell him. I’ll allow you both to come over for dinner tonight if you can behave. You can have your celebrations and then we’re never talking about my ass cancer again.”

  Oh. “I actually have plans tonight.”

  “What kind of plans?”

  “I have a date.” I take another bite of my fruit.

  He puts the remote down, so I know he’s interested. “A date? With who?”

  “Her name is Miryam. She’s an attorney. We’re going to dinner and some crappy movie she picked.” If I don’t fuck her brains out instead.

  He turns off the TV, which means he’s really interested. “You never see movies you don’t like. Is this serious? Where’d you meet this girl?”

  “Work.” I don’t have to tell him which work. “I think it could get serious. I’m going to see where it goes.”

  “Have you been hiding her from me? Why is this the first time I’m hearing about this maybe serious attorney woman?” His left eye squints like it does when he’s irritated.

  “No, I’m not hiding her.” Sort of. “It’s a little complicated.” I don’t like this interrogation and I wish he would turn the TV back on.

  “Everything is complicated. That’s a copout. What’s the deal?”

  Speaking of cops… “I’ve done some stupid things and I don’t know how to fix it. It could change things for me. And for us.” Going to jail right now when things are going great with Miryam would really suck.

  “You always do stupid things. Why is this any different?”

  “Now’s not the time for jokes, Dad. This is serious.” He has the worst comedic timing. Forever making jokes when he shouldn’t be.

  He gets out of his recliner and sits on the couch next to me. This is an absolute first, and it scares me.

  “How serious is this? Is this about the drugs?”

  “For the nine millionth time, I’ve never sold drugs, Dad.” This isn’t the conversation I wanted to have today. “Hypothetically…”

  He cuts me off. “We both know we’re talking about you, but go on.”

  He’s got to be the most obnoxious dad in history. “If someone did something illegal, but didn’t know it was illegal at the time, could they get into trouble? Hypothetically?”

  “Hell, yes. Happens all the time. Patsies go to jail every day.”

  This isn’t comforting at all. I lean forward to put my apple core on the coffee table.

  “Don’t you set that on my table.” He’s thinner and weaker-looking than a few months ago, but he still acts like a grizzly bear.

  I walk the core to the trash can and come back. “Well, then I’m screwed.”

  “Not necessarily. Policemen hate paperwork. If you can give them a bigger fish, they might not mess with you. Want me to call Leon down at the station?”

  “Who’s Leon?” All his friends blend together.

  “You know Leon. He’s used to be a detective down at MPD. Now he’s some big shot over there. But, he’s retiring in a couple of months, so speak now or forever hold your peace.”

  Turning myself in and hoping they don’t toss me in a dark cell wasn’t the advice I was looking for. Maybe Stephanie won’t do anything to me. I know she’s pissed I didn’t go to Juliana’s though. I turned my phone off an hour ago because she won’t stop calling and texting. I think I’ll avoid going home for a little while just in case she makes good in the threat to send someone over. I brought a bag of clothes with me. I’ll change in the van before I pick up Miryam. Buying that damn van was one of the few smart decisions I’ve made lately.

  “Do you want me to call Leon or not?” Dad’s waiving his hand in front of my face.

  I swat it away because he’s going to break my nose. “I don’t know yet. I need to think about it.

  “Well, if you’re in serious trouble, you don’t have many cards to play. Don’t think too long.”

  The thought of my dad sitting in court while the graphic details of my sex life are read is enough to make me want to run away to one of those countries that won’t extradite to the U.S. The thought of Miryam hearing them might be worse. He’s right. I need to decide something soon.

  I want to have a date with my new girlfriend first, though. I guess I can call her my girlfriend. I don’t know the rules, but we’ve been hanging out and I technically slept with her last night. I think that makes a relationship.

  ***

  I pull up to Miryam’s at 7:00. I was too chicken to go home and I didn’t want to beat off in the van, so I’m a little worried about how tonight will go. I don’t want to be that guy jerking off in the movie theater bathroom, but desperate times call for jerking off in public bathrooms, or whatever the saying is.

  I knock on her door and it only takes two seconds for her to open it. I might not make it to the movie theater. She’s goddamn stunning. Her dre
ss is stretchy and tight. Her heels make her almost my height. Her hair’s pulled up in some kind of clip thing. I want to shove her into her apartment and take her on the couch.

  “You look… wow.” I sound and feel like a caveman.

  She smiles. “Thanks. You’re not so bad yourself.”

  I hand her the potted rose bush I brought with me. “These are for you.” I’m not a fan of cut flowers. They die in two seconds. Flowers in a pot are where it’s at.

  “They’re beautiful.” She closes her eyes and smells one of the blooms. “Mmm. They smell so good. I love the color.”

  “They match your dress.” The dress I can’t stop staring at because it barely hides what’s underneath.

  She sets the roses down on a table near the door and steps outside. “You’re right. Technically, it’s Sheba’s dress, though. She left it here, so I borrowed it.”

  I’m going to have to buy Sheba a new dress because I’m going to shred that motherfucker tonight.

  She turns around after locking the door and stares at me. I don’t know how anyone can be this gorgeous and this smart. I wish I knew what was going on in her mind right now.

  I put my hand on that spot right above her ass and my other hand between her shoulder blades. I pull her as close to me as she can get and press my lips against hers. She moans. That tiny vibration goes straight to my dick. It’s going to be a long night.

  I stop the kiss before I punch through her door and drag us both inside.

  “Are you hungry?” I ask.

  “Very.” The look in her eyes makes me wonder if she’s talking about food or not.

  This was my dumb idea to take her on a date first, so we should do that. I take her hand and walk to my van. I help her in because she’s got those crazy heels on and it gives me a chance to touch her butt.

  “How was your day?” I ask when I’ve got my seatbelt on.

  “It was good. I didn’t feel like going to work today and dealing with David, so I went over to Bubbie’s house instead.”

  “How is she?”

  “She’s better than I’ve seen her in a long time.” She stays silent for a few seconds. “I told her about you. About us.”