“You think?” Allison stopped her swing. “I have a feeling it’s about to make things a whole lot more complicated.
***
Eventually they had gone back to his place, and he offered to stay on the couch, and she insisted it would be her place to stay on the couch as the guest. In the end, exhausted, they both fell asleep on the couch, the argument undecided.
When Allison awoke, Stuart was still sound asleep. This was a strange, new experience, watching a man sleep who she hadn’t had sex with. She found herself wondering what would happen if she woke him up and started kissing him. Would he like it? Would it be super awkward?
She took a deep whiff of his Stuartet, still wrapped around her, still carrying his scent. She wondered how this could possibly work out. You would think it would be easier if someone told you, “You’re meant to be together.” But it just felt like it threw all the other dating rules out the window. They knew there was probably a really good chance they ended up together, or were together for some amount of time… unless they really screwed it up, which was possible. In fact, if Cath was to be believed, they already had screwed it up at least once.
“I need clothes,” she said out loud, meaning to say it to herself. Stuart’s eyes blinked open. He stretched and yawned. “We can go shopping,” he said drowsily.
“Sorry, I meant to let you sleep… I can just go back to my place.”
“Guess it’s a good thing you didn’t catch the bus out of town, then.” His eyes were half-lidded, and his voice was rough with sleep. He was unbearably sexy.
She slid down the couch towards him. He watched her without moving, like he was afraid of startling a skittish horse. “I owe you a kiss, I think.”
One side of his mouth turned up. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Allison paused, wondering if he was teasing her or serious, but he sat up and moved toward her. “But you know, if you insist…” he said, and leaned toward her. As their lips touched, Ally felt her world tilt a little, and in her mind’s eye she saw a deeper kiss happening, at night, in the rain. An electric thrill moved through her body, a blend of a first kiss and the more passionate kiss of the .. vision? She heard a sharp intake of breath from Stuart. “So I guess that’s what destiny feels like,” he said huskily as they moved apart.
She reached up to touch his face, marveling. What was this? “Did you…?”
“Rain? Yeah.” They met each other’s eyes, and she could see so much in his: Passion… confusion... the future.
All that was going through Allison’s mind were the words. Too much. This is too much.
She took a deep breath, and sat back. Don’t put up walls. Be cool. You can handle this. Sure, she could handle this, as soon as she figured out what this was.
“Are you okay?”
I don’t know. “Yeah, I think so… Can I meet you back here later?”
“Do you want me to come with you?”
“No, it’s okay. I am just going to grab a suitcase. Most of that stuff isn’t mine, anyway.”
As she opened the door, still feeling horribly overwhelmed, she said over her shoulder, without looking directly at him, “I threw out the velvet dress after I met you.”
When she closed the door behind her, she had to take a moment to catch her breath. Saying that had felt like more of a commitment than anything else she could have said. She felt vulnerable. The part of her that had been front and center all these years, Allison the sleek and certain woman who put up walls every day, really wanted to take over. That Allison was ready to walk away and never see Stuart again. This was all too much.
But then she thought, Fuck that. She opened the door, said, “By the way, I’m Ally from now on,” and this time she walked away feeling free and light.
She couldn’t wait to come back.
Chapter 7
“Ally,” murmured Stuart to himself. “Ally, Ally, Ally.” Yes, that was right. Allison had felt awkward on his tongue. Ally was the girl he… liked a lot. A girl who had woken up on his couch and kissed him. A girl he’d had his first simultaneous shared vision with.
That had been kind of hot.
So, Ally would come back with a suitcase, and they would start to work out this new existence together. He wasn’t alone anymore. He had someone who understood him, and they were going to go to Idaho, live off the land, and get a dog, and….
He sighed. Overeager puppy. He needed to calm down, slow down, like he’d been told a million times before. There was no framework for him to live without this… Could he accept that the people he cared about weren’t necessarily going to drop dead any minute? It seemed like everyone else on earth was able to get over the fact that they were going to die.
One thing he hadn’t puzzled out yet was what Cath meant, “It’s about life.” Did that mean people were more alive than ever right before dying?
Stuart wasn’t sure that was any less depressing.
He wondered what it would be like when she walked into the apartment and packed up her stuff. He imagined her boyfriend - her ex, he reminded himself with a guilty sense of glee - helping her. He seemed like the type to help, and that while he was helping, they would reminisce. She would hold up an item she’d picked up at a Farmer’s Market on one of their quiet Saturday mornings. (Stuart had never been to a Farmer’s Market. He was usually still sleeping.) Her boyfriend would say, that was a nice morning, and she would agree, and sigh…
Is this jealousy? Well, he had been jealous from the moment they’d met, so probably and why not? She was his almost-probably-soon-to-be-girlfriend.
Stop it.
He was going to have the hardest time playing it cool. That had never been his strong suit, and now? Well, now it was like he was getting a free pass from the universe.
“Universe, if you make me lose this woman, I will never forgive you.”
***
David’s face was almost unbearable to see. He looked wretched and disheveled. He probably hadn’t slept. “Where were you? I looked everywhere, and someone said they saw you get into the car with some people… I’ve been - oh my God.”
He grabbed her and held her tight with relief. “I’m so sorry,” she said. “I thought I had my phone, but I must have left it at the table-”
She gasped as an image flew into her mind, crystal clear and as if she were standing there. David in a tuxedo, putting a ring on her finger. No, no, no, she thought wildly to herself, it can’t be. They looked so happy. But then she realized, it wasn’t her - it was another woman. And she knew her.
“Oh,” she breathed with her own relief. Everything was going to be okay. She didn’t have to stay. But would she have stayed based on one of the first visions she’d been aware of, even if she really, really didn’t want to? She felt a little queasy thinking about it. She pulled away. “I’m okay. I - um, ran into a friend.”
He took her head in both hands and kissed her on the forehead. “I’m just glad you’re alright. Get in here. I’ll make breakfast.”
She hesitated, wondering at his expectations. Did he think…? “David,” she said as gently and firmly as she could, “I’m just picking up a few things. I’m heading back home today to-” To do what? Follow a vision? Hang out with a new man she’d just met (and oh God, was she introducing Stuart to her parents? That was going to be interesting)? “Just sort things out and figure out my next step.” There, that was an Allison reaction. Calm and cool and collected.
“Sure,” he nodded. “Let me know if I can help. I’ll still make us breakfast.” Cue winsome smile.
She found her old suitcase, one she’d been given as a gift before leaving for college, in her favorite color - sky blue. She looked at her closet and decided there would be no point in taking more than a few day’s worth of clothes. It was time to start over. She pulled the borrowed Stuartet out of the closet and buried her nose in it. It smelled like Stuart and a bit of smoke. She wondered (not for the first time), if they had really been exposed to more
smoke than they’d thought. It didn’t smell like cigarette smoke. (Though she probably did. She wondered if David had noticed.)
She changed into yoga pants and a t-shirt. She packed the new Stuartet she’d borrowed and wore the old one. It was only a week old, probably way too early to be called nostalgia - but the feeling was definitely in that family.
She thought about the image she’d had of David. If she believed Catherine (and what was not to believe when it came to the imaginary angel of your childhood, she mused wryly), she was supposed to do something about it - maybe to be a guide herself?
Ally rolled her suitcase out to the living room/kitchen space. David had charged up her phone and left it on the table by the keys. This suddenly all seemed very final.
She took her apartment key off the chain, and put the phone and empty chain back in her pocket. She had no other keys - no gym keys, no car keys. It made her feel very adrift.
“I made a spinach and mushroom omelet,” David said in a voice that sounded like it was striving to be normal. Ally sat at the counter, and buttered her toast. “Tell your mom and dad I said hi.”
“I will.” They loved David, of course. He was clean-cut, all-American. What would they think of Stuart?
“You know,” she said, “I heard some girls talking at the party last night.”
“You did?” He looked skeptical, as if either the notion of gossip happening at the classic boys’ club was unlikely, or maybe just that it was weird for her to care. (Which it was. Ally was not one for gossip.)
“Yeah… So that junior associate in the legal department, Suzanne? Seems she has a crush on you.”
“Oh.” David took to his breakfast with feigned enthusiasm.
“You should ask her out.”
He shook his head a little. “It is too soon. It will take me a while to…”
“You’ll be so happy,” she said with certainty. He would be. He was happier in her vision than she had ever seen him. Maybe his near-constant happiness was a facade, too. Maybe she had been holding him back, by hanging on to this relationship and what she thought it was - or more accurately, what she thought it could be. And now she was trying to get her ex hooked up with his future wife. This following-destiny thing was going to be so confusing.
He didn’t acknowledge her comment. “Do you need anything to get home? I can buy you a plane ticket if you need.”
“No, I’m okay. I have a little money saved up.” She didn’t tell him said money was cashing out her 401(k) and taking a massive tax penalty. He would freak out. Allison decided that she would freak out later. Right now she just needed money. Retirement was far enough away to be non-existent. And she’d pretty much already decided on a cottage in the middle of nowhere. Those couldn’t be but so expensive, could they?
“Anyway… I’m sorry about last night. I wish it ended better.”
“It’s not your fault, Allison. I was pressuring you. It wasn’t cool.”
“It’s okay.” And just like that, one omelet and two pieces of toast later, the relationship was over.
***
Stuart had showered and worked his way through half a cup of coffee by 9:30, which felt very out of the ordinary. Did people do this every day?
By 9:35, he was checking his phone every few seconds. What if she changed her mind? What if she didn’t come back?
When she knocked on the door at 9:37, he practically flew to answer.
“Hi.” She was tousled and red-cheeked, pulling a rolling suitcase in one hand and a cat carrier in the other.
“A cat carrier?”
“Isn’t it great? I saw it in the window of a consignment shop on my way over, and I knew it was for you.” She handed it to him proudly, and he suddenly understood what it meant in the old-time novels when someone swooned. Our first gift. “I hope you don’t already have one…”
“I don’t! And I have something for you, too,” he said. “It’s kind of embarrassing, but I went back to the elevator where we..” He struggled with the right words. They hadn’t quite met, or fallen in love, or died, thank goodness… “connected, and I got this as a souvenir.” He handed her a red button that had been sitting in his pocket for days, while the vestiges of hope had remained that he might see her one more time.
Allison’s laugh was pure delight. “You didn’t!”
“I did.” They stood smiling at each other goofily.
“Oh, my God. I love it.” She put it in her pocket and patted it. “Are you sure it’s safe?”
“The elevator? Well, the button still works, and to be honest I felt kind of guilty afterwards so found a hardware store… and replaced it. I’m not very good at being a delinquent.”
“Hmm.” She had a mischievous smile, a smile that said, We’ll see about that.
Scruffers weaved his way around Allison’s feet, and she bent down to scratch them. “Hello, new best friend. I love cats. David was allergic.”
Stuart really didn’t want to hear about David. He wanted to pretend David had never existed. “So, you’re okay with bringing him along?”
“Of course! We wouldn’t leave a pet behind.” She looked up at him, clearly in horror that her destiny might be tied up with someone who would leave his cat in an alley to fend for itself. She managed to sound relaxed as she added, “Would you?”
He knelt down and reached to lightly brush back a curl that had drifted in front of her face. “Of course not,” he said softly. The moment landed with an emotional resonance he hadn’t intended, and he wasn’t sure what to do with it. Their eyes met and he had that feeling again, of tilting, falling… She broke eye contact first. His hand dropped.
“I know there’s a lot to figure out, but there’s a promise to keep.”
Uh-oh. “Oh, what’s that?”
“Still dreaming about violins?”
He nodded, a lump of regret and hope in his throat. “Always,” he whispered, feeling insanely vulnerable.
She took his hand in hers. “Let’s go.”
***
They Googled for nearby music stores, and they saw the reviews for one on the corner only three blocks away. “Charming… wonderful proprietor… a must visit for any music aficionado… You’ll get the perfect instrument here, like Harry Potter’s wand.”
When they opened the door, the bell rang charmingly. It was like time travel. The place smelled wonderful. “Wow,” breathed Stuart.
“I know,” answered Ally. She fought the urge to take out her phone and take a picture. It would ruin the memory; she just wanted to soak it in.
The proprietor looked up at their entrance and smiled warmly. He reminded her of Belle’s father in Beauty and the Beast. (The animation only. She couldn’t bring herself to watch the live action, as much as she adored Emma Watson and had really enjoyed the live-action Cinderella. Beauty and the Beast held a special place in her heart as a book nerd and secret dreamer…).
“Hello, there. What a lovely young couple. Are you visiting the city?”
“We live here,” answered Ally, without correcting him on their being a couple. They kind of were, there had been a kiss… and they probably would be… right? So confusing. “But it’s our first time here. It did feel good to say “our,” in a way it never had with David. Like something they were mean to share.
But she had to stop comparing everything to David. One or the other, eventually, wouldn’t measure up. The man walked around the counter to chat, and as he approached, his gaze fell on Stuart with a strange intensity. She saw a look in Stuart’s eyes, too, that she couldn’t quite read.
“Young man, you are the spitting image of my sister. What’s your family’s name?”
“Rowland,” answered Stuart, adding, “You seem familiar…”
“My God,” breathed the man. “Are you young Stuartson?”
Allison stepped back to watch this interaction, feeling that strange sensation of tipping, falling. She held onto the counter. Something flashed in her mind, but not full enough to be a vision
… just.. Something. She couldn’t grab onto it.
Stuart said, “I may need to sit down.” He felt it, too.
The older man stood and stared at Stuart for a long moment, then shook his head in apparent wonder. He walked past him to the door, locked it, and turned the sign to read CLOSED. “Come with me.”
He led them through the back of the shop and up a rickety set of stairs. The room he led them to was warm and inviting, filled with books and antique lamps set upon antique tables. There were even deep, welcoming armchairs, though Ally had the feeling the man didn’t get many visitors. She sneezed. “Excuse me.”
“Bless you. I’m afraid I don’t get around to dusting up here very often, as much as I enjoy keeping the shop spotless.”
“I love it up here. I love the scent of old books.”
“Me, too,” he patted her on the shoulder before sitting across from them. She had chosen one armchair, and Stuart sat on the floor by her feet, since the other chair was closer to the bed. “That and the smell of old instruments are the scents of my life.”
He leaned over to a bookcase just to the right of his chair, lifting a small photo album to his lap. It didn’t seem to weigh a lot, but maybe the memories did.
He flipped the pages until he found what he was looking for, then handed it to Stuart. “That’s your mother, isn’t it?”
Stuart stared for a long time at the photos. She wished she could see his face. She held a baby on her hip, no more than one year old. Is that Stuart? Clearly thinking along the same lines, Stuart said, “Is that me? My father said she died giving birth to me.”
“That’s not you… That’s your brother.”
Stuart looked to Ally in disbelief, and she could only give him what she hoped was a supportive touch on the shoulder. She could see this was a surprise, and she wished she knew anything about his life… They were diving into the deep end, here, and she hadn’t even the shallowest idea of where he was from.
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