“Is your father still nearby? We tried to find him after your mother died, but the two of you vanished. He left your brother with your aunt and took off.”
“But why?”
“I wish I could tell you. None of us understood… We were worried he had lost his mind. We were so worried about you. We didn’t know how he planned to raise a baby, or if he…”
Or if he had committed infanticide? Ally could see the thought on the man’s face. What in the world was going on here?
“My father said all of our family was dead. He wouldn’t say anything else about it. He died when I was five. It never even occurred to me to look for family. I only have one picture off my mother. I found some old pictures in his phone after he’d died, but… I didn’t have the phone charger, and someone took it during one of my moves.”
He sounded full of regret. Poor thing. What was it like to be a kid with the weight of the world on your shoulders? Ally hadn’t had the easiest time growing up, but at least she wasn’t an orphan, trying to hold on to any tenuous understanding of where she came from.
The old man sighed. “Gillespie was your mother’s maiden name, it would have been hard to track down your family, even for a social worker… especially if your father was trying to keep you hidden.”
“Why would he do that?” He said it staring at the picture of his mother. He didn’t sound like he really expected an answer, just very sad.
“I wish I could tell you, son. All I know is that your uncle was watching your brother while you were in the hospital. One day your father never came back to pick him up.” He leaned over and rubbed his head.
“Are you okay?” Ally asked. The man nodded and gave a small wave. “Just a few dizzy spells recently. I probably need more iron in my diet.”
“I have a brother… “ Stuart mused in wonder. He looked up. “Is he still alive? Is he nearby?”
The man looked puzzled. “Of course, he’s alive. He’s not much older than you.” Stuart and Ally exchanged glances. It probably wouldn’t be fitting to lecture an old man on mortality, and how it doesn’t matter how old you are.
But then the man rubbed his face again, made a small sound of discomfort, leaned over… and lost consciousness.
Chapter 8
Stuart rushed to the man’s side to keep him from falling off the chair, and stayed close to make sure he wouldn’t fall hard if his weight did shift. “Call 911!”
“Do you know CPR?” asked Ally. It had been a requirement at several restaurants he had worked at. “Yes, but he’s breathing, so no CPR yet.”
Ally knelt by his side and put the phone to speaker mode.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“We’re with a man who suddenly lost consciousness. He’s breathing steadily, but shallow.”
The operator informed him that an ambulance was being dispatched, and asked him questions about their location. Ally ran downstairs to guide them in. Stuart felt terrible for not even knowing the man’s name. He stared at the man, willing him to keep breathing, willing him to live. He was family.
Please don’t die, Stuart prayed silently. He held his uncle’s hand, marveling that he had an uncle, and realizing that he’d met him today because he was going to buy a violin… That he had been about to buy a violin because he had met Ally, and because a strange woman had told him to pay attention to his dreams.
His heart hurt suddenly and fiercely. If he had bought a violin when he first had the dreams, would he have met this man when he was a child? Would he have been connected to his family then? The idea that he might not have been alone, so alone, for almost twenty years. If he lost the only family he had met since his father died, within minutes of meeting him, Stuart wasn’t sure how he would recover.
But look, no death light. Or life light, or whatever…. He’s probably not going to die.
Probably.
“Sir, are you still there?”
“Yes, I’m still here. He’s still breathing. No visible changes.”
“The ambulance has arrived. Is someone there to let them in to the building?”
“Yes, but he’s upstairs, and the stairs are rickety. It’s a little cluttered. I don’t know how a stretcher will work in here.”
“I’ll let them know. Please remain on the line.”
Stuart took the man’s hand in his, and realized he wasn’t as old as Stuart had initially thought. The grey hair had thrown him off, but the hands were a young man’s hands. At least… No older than 50. He tried to do the math, to figure out how old his father had been, but he didn’t remember and his brain was too taxed by everything that was happening. It was much easier to wonder if this was genetic, if he would look like a grandfather in 20 years.
It was an inane worry, but he had worse coping mechanisms.
When the EMS arrived, there was a flurry of activity and evaluations, repositioning the man. Stuart and Ally answered their questions as best as they could, but explained that they didn’t know anything about him, that they had just been invited up after visiting the shop. Stuart was glad they hadn’t asked if they were family. He didn’t know how he would respond. He couldn’t really say yes, because that would imply knowing the person, as a member of the family might. But it would also be weird to say no.
The paramedic who seemed to have been put in charge of communication told them that they were taking him to the nearest hospital, and gave them the address. “The patient information line will be updated after he’s been admitted.”
And then they were gone.
Stuart and Ally stood on the sidewalk for a few minutes, staring down the street at the receding ambulance and its echoing siren.
“You were right,” Stuart said, putting an arm around Ally’s shoulder. “Life is getting a lot more complicated.”
***
Ally felt Stuart’s arm across her and knew it was casual, knew he didn’t meant it more as a punctuation to the chaos that they were experiencing, but what she knew and what she felt were two different things. It felt like they were suddenly very close, and the rest of the world dropped away. Even the people who gave them impatient looks for taking up so much room on the sidewalk (she could almost hear them thinking tourists!) and moved by within inches of them felt very, very far away. It was just her and Stuart.
It felt overwhelming in a way it really shouldn’t. She found herself flashing back to the day she was in blankets on the couch, nestled and snug. That was the way it usually felt with David. Comfortable. Safe. This, what she was feeling now, was what she had been trying to talk herself out of that day. It did feel just like she was jumping off a cliff.
Ally ducked out from under his arm, and the world shifted closer to normal. The city felt closer, the city she always felt she could get lost in, if she let herself. “We should probably lock up the shop, if we can find the keys….” She went into the shop without looking back, and the bell over the door, so friendly and bright only minutes ago, sounded lonely and forlorn now.
She held the door open behind her, and felt Stuart take its weight. Looking to the counter, she noticed something she hadn’t before. “Do you see that?” she breathed.
“Yeah… Jesus.”
There was a violin sitting on the counter, and it was glowing. The light was familiar, in the way she had seen the violet-silver, shimmering light all her life around people… and recently around the envelope she had received from Jill.
“I guess the light can be around things, too,” said Stuart, quietly. “Have you ever seen that before?”
“Only once, last week… But I thought it meant…” She thought it meant Jill was on the verge of death, as she had always been – or as Allison had thought she had always been. “But I think this means you should pick it up.”
“Life has just turned into a D&D campaign, hasn’t it?”
“Huh?” Allison didn’t know what he was talking about, but picked up the violin and handed it to him. As he took it, the light shimmered all around him. It
took her breath away. “You look like Catherine did, last night.” It was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. He placed it on his shoulder, taking a moment to find a position. She looked around for a bow. None were glowing, so she picked one at random, and he nodded. “I’ve never touched one of these things, but it feels… good.”
He closed his eyes and placed the bow against the violin. She expected his first note to be discordant as he found his way, but he took his time and the first movement of the bow elicited a note pure and true. Allison’s vision blurred a little. He moved the bow back, and another lovely, piercingly sweet note came.
“I’ll need lessons,” Stuart said as he lowered the instrument and placed it on the counter. I don’t know about that, Allison thought. She stopped him with her hand on his arm. “Take it with you.”
“I couldn’t do that.” He looked at her with bewilderment.
“I think you have to.” She shrugged, gesturing at him and the instrument, still full of destiny’s cold fire. “I am pretty sure we’ll have a chance to pay for it later.”
He nodded reluctantly, and looked for a case, while Ally looked for keys and any documents the shop owner – Stuart’s uncle! Ally marveled – might need.
***
Stuart and Ally had taken a Lyft to the hospital, violin in tow. He kept looking at Ally, trying to figure out what she was thinking. She was very quiet.
But what did he know? Maybe she was a quiet person. Maybe he would have to know her for more than 12 hours before knowing what kind of personality traits she had.
No matter how much he felt like he had known her forever, and how much they seemed meant to be. That was an open question, anyway. They were meant to be something, but who knew what? Maybe they were just meant to go on a road trip. Maybe they just had a kiss and held hands for a few weeks, then went their separate ways.
He knew what he wanted them to be destined for…
At the hospital, they stopped at information and gave the name they had found in the shop owner’s wallet – Bill Gillespie - and were told the patient was in a room on the 4th floor, and that they should check in at the nurses’ station.
The nurse at the computer behind the desk asked if they were family, and Stuart said, “Sort of...” She raised her eyebrows. This was obviously not an acceptable answer.
“Well,” he added, “I’m related, but we’ve only just met.”
“That sounds like an interesting story,” the woman responded in a tone that indicated she wasn’t interested in hearing the story at all. “Mr. Gillespie is stable, but not yet cleared for visitors. If you would like to visit the waiting area, we’ll announce when there is any change in status. His next of kin has been notified.” She pointed to the waiting room across the hall.
“Who is his next of kin?” asked Stuart without thinking.
“I’m afraid I can’t give out that information, sir.” This time her tone said duh.
“Sorry… We’ll, uh, wait. Thanks.”
The room was nearly empty, only two other people sitting separately. They sat in the blue fabric chairs and stared at the TV without really watching it. Morning television seemed like something from another planet right now. People couldn’t really be that happy, could they?
Stuart chided himself. Sitting next to the woman of your dreams, and you’re going to feel sorry for yourself?
“So, interesting morning…” he said.
Ally bobbed her head a little. “ I mean…”
“Yeah.”
The awkward silence stretched out. Ally was the first to speak. “I guess we don’t really need to wait, right? We could just leave our phone numbers.”
“I have to stay. He’s my family.”
“Right, but the nurses and doctors have it under control, don’t they? We don’t really make things better by being here. It’d be great if we headed out today. You think bus or car? Maybe train?” She leaned back and closed her eyes, and he was glad because his jaw had dropped.
“You mean … leave town? There’s no way… I have to be here for him. I have so many questions!”
She opened one eye, maybe gauging how serious he was. Then, seeing he was very serious, she sat up and leaned toward him, looking confused. “I don’t … I mean, you just met him. And he has family on the way. What good are we doing here?”
“Ally! Ally.” How could she not see this? “If he has family on the way, I have family on the way.”
He saw her think about it, and he added, “Family I’ve never met.” He emphasized every word, and she nodded. “I understand.” Suddenly she looked really sad. “Oh.” But she left it at that.
“What are you thinking?”
“Nothing.” She said it too quickly, then looked at the TV. He waited, his heart in his throat. She’s going to leave me here, alone. “Please don’t go. I need you.”
He felt more than saw her tense up. She kept her eyes on the TV. It had been completely the wrong thing to say, he realized immediately. He overcorrected. “No, it’s okay, you can go if you want to. You can go back ho-“ he caught himself just in time “to my place to wait.” He tried to keep the emotion out of his voice.
That brought her attention back to him. “Are you mad at me?”
“Of course not.”
“You seem mad.”
“I’m not.” But now he was defensive, so he did sound mad. He took a deep breath, and said, “I could use some coffee.”
“I’ll get some. Cream, sugar?”
“Black.”
She walked away, and Stuart was suddenly sure she wasn’t going to come back. It took everything he had to stay where he was and not run after her and beg her to stay.
Ally looked over her shoulder, and something she saw made her visibly soften. She walked back to him, leaned in and kissed him softly on the cheek. She whispered in his ear. “Everything is going to be okay. I’m just going to get coffee.” It was like she read his mind.
It would really suck if she was psychic.
***
So, Ally thought as she waited in line at the café, I’m getting in the habit of kissing him and walking away. It’ll take us forever to get to second base at this rate.
She smiled to herself a little at the idea. It was much easier to admit how attracted she was to him when they weren’t sitting next to each other. It was terrifying how much she wanted to be close to him, like nothing she had ever experienced before.
And then, when he had said he needed her, that sent her to a whole new level of terrified. Part of her wanted to say, How could you need me? You barely know me. You got along fine without me until now. But another part of her … thought maybe she needed him, too. It didn’t make sense. It didn’t make any sense… she had gotten along fine without him until now, too.
But had she, really?
It was definitely going to be complicated with Stuart, but one thing she knew for sure: she felt a lot more alive now that he was in her life, than she had a very long time.
She ordered two dark roasts, picked up some Splenda for hers but no cream, and headed back to the waiting room. This was hard, being in a hospital. Seeing how dedicated Stuart was to being there for someone he was related to, but had never met, made her think about how her mother had been in the hospital for a week after having complications during a hysterectomy. Her father had asked her to come home to visit and to help when her mother got home, and she had made excuses. It was just after she had gotten to New York, and had just gotten a new job. She couldn’t possibly get away.
And she had told herself, they didn’t really need her. That’s what the medical staff was for, and there would be home healthcare as follow-up. But seeing how Stuart didn’t even question being here? It made her feel pretty wretched. There was no part of her that would be that dedicated to staying by someone’s side at the hospital.
A vision came to her, suddenly and blindingly, stronger than any she had had before.
Stuart in a hospital bed, deathly pale, connecte
d to oxygen and IV. He was surrounded by people, and she sat by his side, too. He was going to die… She had wasted so much time.
As the vision passed, she felt terribly lightheaded. “Miss, are you okay?” Then gentle arms were guiding her to the wall, to a wide windowsill. The man who helped her was wearing scrubs, and gently took the coffee from her as she sat. He took her through a few deep breaths. “Thank you,” she said.
Why were these visions coming so fast and furious now? She hadn’t even gotten used to the first one.
“You looked a bit wobbly there.” He had an accent – Australian or English. (She wasn’t very good at reading accents.)
“It’s been a bit of a day.”
“Would you like me to walk back with you to …?”
She shook her head. “I’m okay. It just all hit me at once.”
He nodded sympathetically. “Hospitals can be pretty overwhelming.” He squeezed her shoulder, and moved on, and she sat frozen for a few long moments.
What the hell had that been?
She pulled out her phone, and texted: I’ll be a few more minutes, going back for doughnuts.
With Death in Autumn Page 6