Choosing doughnuts was pleasantly distracting, but as she navigated the halls back to the waiting room, the image wouldn’t leave her head.
Stuart. Dying.
How in the world was she supposed to use this vision as a guide? There was no step she wanted to take toward watching Stuart die… (Aside from, an even smaller voice than usual in the back of her head pointed out, loving him.) “Fuck you, destiny,” she whispered under her breath.
She wondered if it had been a message of some sort, a response to her thought that she didn’t have it in her to sit by someone’s bedside. So is that how it would work, this whatever-it-was would occasionally point out how wrong she was in terrible ways? No, look, see! You’ll be able to care enough about someone to be devastated that they are critically ill. Good news!
When she arrived back in the waiting room, Stuart had nodded off. She waved the coffee under his nose until he stirred. His eyes were gorgeous. The color was warm and brown, but there was more… the ancient saying about the eyes being the windows to the soul never seemed more true.
He reached for the coffee, but she put it to the side and tugged him to his feet. “Come here,” she said, and wrapped her arms around him, burying her face in his Stuartet. He slowly wrapped his arms around her, in turn. “Okay,” he said softly. When she didn’t say anything, he asked, “Everything alright?”
She nodded, and turned her head to the side, keeping her eyes closed. I already love the way you smell. “I’m going to be terrible at this. Just so we’re clear.”
He held her closer, and his words were said with a sense of letting go of a weight. “God, me too. Glad we got that straight.”
“We’ll figure it out, though.”
He pressed his lips to her temple. She felt his chest rise and fall, and sensed the beat of his heart evening out. “We will,” he murmured.
Ally felt her heart soften, and maybe one brick fell from the walls she had been building. She shifted back and they stared into each other’s eyes. It was vulnerable and awful and wonderful, all at once. She took a breath to say something, not knowing what, when someone at the door said, “Party for Gillespie?”
Stuart smiled boyishly. “Our table is ready.” She laughed.
They followed the nurse to Mr. Gillespie’s room. His eyes lit up when they walked in. “I’m a lucky man, they say. If you hadn’t been there…” His eyes fell to the case Stuart held. He said, “Yes, that’s perfect. How wonderful!”
For a second, Ally expected him to ask Stuart to give it to him, that he somehow wanted to play from his hospital bed. She wanted to say, No, that’s for Stuart, it’s meant to be his, but apparently he felt the same way. “I was just thinking this morning, how long I’ve wanted to give that to a lad in the family. It’s been waiting for you a long time, young Stuart.”
Ally felt a lump in her throat, and stole a glance at Stuart, who was blinking a bit more than usual. She gave his free hand a quick squeeze and went to sit in one of the visitor chairs.
“Thank you,” Stuart said, sitting on Mr. Gillespie’s other side. “Let me know how much-“
“Absolutely not. It’s yours. You don’t know how happy it makes me that you found me, and that it found you.”
They were quiet for a few moments. The machines in the room beeped at uneven intervals, and there was constant background nnoise in the hall, but the room felt strangely peaceful Stuart looked like someone with a lot of questions, who didn’t know where to start. Ally thought she knew where. “They said they’ve notified your family.”
“Yes, we spoke. I reassured them that I’ll be fine. They are going to keep me for observation for a while, but it’s probably a small matter that can be solved with an outpatient procedure. If I hadn’t been seen soon, though… Well, you’ve made my recovery much faster, let’s just say that.”
“Are they coming? Your family?” Stuart sounded so hopeful, and Ally’s heart broke a little for him. He obviously had attachment issues, but who wouldn’t with the life he had had? She wanted to wrap him in her arms again, and tell him everything would be okay.
Mr. Gillespie shook his head. “They live in Illinois.”
“Illinois?” Stuart and Ally spoke at once.
The man chuckled. “Yes, a smaller city, Joliet. I’ve been meaning to visit them for years, but maybe this Christmas will be the time.”
Their shocked silence caused him to look at them each in turn. “What’s the matter?”
“That’s where my family lives. A farm near Joliet. We were actually going to visit there next.”
“Oh, you don’t say?” He didn’t seem as bowled over by this coincidence as Ally felt and Stuart looked. “When?”
They looked at each other. Stuart said, “Actually, we’d kind of been planning to leave today, before-“
“Goodness! Don’t let me keep you. I’ll be fine. You should go, meet your girl’s family-“ Stuart blushed and Ally hid a smile. Adorable. “-and yours. I’ll tell your uncle you’re coming. And your brother.”
Stuart was going to meet his brother.
Chapter 9
Holly Jefferson sat down on the beat-up old living room couch and put her feet up on the coffee table. Clay had gone out for the afternoon, and it made her feel free to do whatever she wanted - not that he was the sort to worry about feet on the coffee table. Still, it made her feel a little more free to break the rules.
She watched Ellen for a while, and thought about making dinner, or maybe ordering pizza. They were technically outside the delivery zone for pizza, but the Baehler boy was working at the Papa John’s after school, and he wouldn’t mind bringing one down for them. He knew they tipped well and were likely to give out cookies. She browsed Facebook, but only for a few minutes. She had so many family members who seemed so worked up about things these days. All she really wanted to see were pictures of her friends’ kids and grandkids, and to keep up with the church group, that organized so much through Facebook.
She wondered where she would get pictures of her grandchildren, since Allison wasn’t on Facebook anymore. Maybe she would change her mind after having kids? They would have to talk about it.
Not for the first time, Holly wondered when David would propose to her daughter. She was getting to the age where she might have to worry about fertility, if she didn’t get started soon. Holly never wanted to be that kind of mother, so she didn’t nag, but she did pray every night that her daughter would start a family soon. So many young people waited so long these days, to start thinking about having children. They were brave and independent, and she admired that. If they didn’t want kids, that was fine. But she saw all the stories these days about fertility problems and how much money women were spending on IVF. It was a shame. Women’s bodies just weren’t meant to procreate much past the age of 30.
As if she had conjured the rare phone call from her daughter just by thinking about her, the phone rang.
“Hi, sweetheart!” She muted the television, and folded the chips bag to resist the urge to munch in her daughter’s ear. Allison never called this time of day, maybe she had exciting news!
“Hi, mom. How are you?”
“Fine, fine. Just the usual. Cleaning up the house, working on volunteer projects for the church, the usual…” It was a white lie, since she was vegging on the couch right now, but she had been doing those things, so it wasn't a sin. “Your father is out, if you’d like to call back later with news?”
“News? How did you know? Did David tell you?”
Holly tried not to sound too delighted. “No, honey, I just had a feeling. It’s about time. How did he propose?”
“Oh, you saw the YouTube video.”
“What! What YouTube video?”
Good Lord, her daughter could be crazy making. She wouldn’t be on Facebook, but she would have her engagement video on YouTube for the whole world to see before telling her own mother?
“Listen, Mom, it’s a bit of a story… but we’re not getting married. I gav
e the ring back, and we broke up.”
“Oh.” Holly tried not to sound too disappointed, but this really was terrible news. She had practically told all the church about David, and what a fine husband would be, even though he wasn’t Protestant. He was a good man. She had told everyone, and a few of them had even met him last Thanksgiving weekend.
That had been such a nice weekend. She would miss him. “I’m sorry to hear that, sweetie. I really am. Are you OK? What happened?”
“It’s… it’s not a good time to talk about it right now. I just wanted you to know I’m planning to visit… but we’ll stay nearby, not at the house, so don’t worry about that.”
Holly’s radar went on high alert. “We?”
“Yes, I’m coming with a friend.”
“A girl friend?” Holly knew what was going on here, and she didn’t like it one bit. She had accepted the fact that her daughter was probably not a virgin, but it had been by telling herself it was the man she was going to marry, so it was ethical. But breaking up with her long-term boyfriend and running right into someone else's arms? That never worked out well.
“No, mom, it’s a man. But it’s not what you think.”
“Right. Well, of course you’ll stay here. I wouldn’t hear of my daughter being seen at a hotel with some strange man.” She tapped her foot. “You know rebounds never work out.”
“He's not a - “ Allison broke off and was quiet. “I’ll call you when I'm close, probably Sunday. Bye!”
Her daughter hung up suddenly.
Lord, give me patience.
***
Stuart was great… amazing, even. She wanted to have a spark like this for her whole life, and it felt like that spark could start with this, this trip… this day. But it was intense. He was intense, no matter how hard he was trying to restrain himself and play it cool. His effort was obvious and palpable.
They had made travel arrangements while they finished their coffees at a metro spot, and decided on a car because it would be a good way to get to know each other, and because they wanted to keep the cat close rather than in some awful storage area.
Stuart had suggested buying a car, and any progress she had made toward feeling like she could jump in without reservations quickly went out the window. He wanted to buy a car?
“I don’t know,” she said. “That seems like a big commitment.”
Stuart had only shrugged, like it was no big deal. “Well, it would be something we could use for a while, and we wouldn’t have to worry about spilling drinks in it… Rentals can really add up, so if we got something cheap, we could sell it when we didn’t need it anymore.”
“But we would have to go to the DMV, and registration, and taxes… and insurance!” She heard her voice rise and realized she was about to panic. Stuart must have noticed too, because he gave her a strange look. “Okay… It’s fine, Ally, we don’t have to do that. I was just thinking it might be easier.”
“I don't think it would be.”
Now, in the rental, Ally felt certain it was the right decision. It was a nicer car than they could have afforded, by far, and they had unlimited miles for 4 days. It felt easy. That was all she wanted.
No, it’s not, she reminded herself. You had easy. You left it.
“Are we driving overnight?”
Stuart glanced at her. “Do you want to?”
She shrugged. “Nah, no rush.” She definitely wasn’t in a rush to see her mom, after their phone conversation. She didn’t really know how to describe what she had with Stuart, to her family. She had called him a friend, and she had said it in front of Stuart, and immediately regretted it. He looked hurt, though he tried to hide it. And it hadn’t even helped with her mother, who obviously thought this was something scandalous and what made her break up with David. Which it hadn’t. She had been planning to leave him before! Her mom was right about rebounds, but this was different. Wasn't it? It was so unfair, and confusing.
“We can get separate rooms, if you want,” Stuart said. It was a gentleman’s offer, and she did appreciate it, but she also felt like it was a response to him hearing her call him a friend. Couldn’t he see that she felt so much more for him? It was just confusing, knowing what to do with all… this.
“I don’t think that will be necessary.” She placed a hand on his leg, and he looked at her with surprise. Then wrapped one hand around hers. She sighed. Holding hands had always felt like something she went through the motions on before. It was just a thing couples did, going from one place to another. Stuart’s hand in hers felt like a connection. More than that, it felt like a promise. “I don’t think you’re just a friend, Stuart.”
He nodded a little. He started to speak, then a car pulled quickly in front of him and his hand went back to the wheel to swerve out of the way. He swore.
“It’s okay, Ally, it’s…” His breath started to come raggedly.
“Stuart?” He shook his head, pulling the car to the shoulder. His breathing was alarming. “What’s wrong?
He shook his head again, and reached into his pocket, pulling out a nebulizer. He took a pull, and then another.
Ally tried not to stare. Asthma? She couldn’t reconcile the idea of Stuart with breathing problems. She forced away the image that came so easily to her mind after her vision earlier in the day. Of course, she had known people with asthma before, but the idea of Stuart not being able to breathe was enough to take her own breath away. He was leaning over the steering wheel, resting his head.
She rubbed his back for a few moments. “Does that happen… a lot?”
He shook his head. “No… but the cigarette last night probably didn’t help.”
“What, one cigarette?”
He turned to look at her. His skin was so pale. “My lungs are weak. I didn’t really get the best medical care when I was a kid, I guess.” He shrugged one shoulder. “It’s fine, though.”
She didn’t want to ask, but the words came out in a hush. “Could it kill you?”
He smiled, and her heart gave an awful pang. Yes, was the answer that smile hid. “You do care.”
“Shut up. Of course I do. Let me drive.”
“I’m going to live a long time, Al, don’t worry. You won’t get rid of me that easily.”
You idiot, she thought, not sure if she was thinking about him or herself. Him, because he knew life was a tenuous thing in the way only they could know, and herself, because…. Well. I’m an idiot for letting myself like someone this much.
“It’s not safe to get out of the car,” he said. “Let’s take the next exit and get coffee-”
“Water,” she said. He sent her a half-grin. See? “Seriously, neither of us have had enough water today.”
“Yes, Miss Ally. You can be my nurse any time.” He winked.
She looked out the window to hide her own smile. She was quiet as the drove the half mile toward the exit, but could only resist flirting back for a few minutes. “I’m not wearing any outfits.”
His laugh sent a warm thrill down her spine.
Is this how her life would be now? Fearing for his health and delighted by his well-being, and nothing in between? Was this how it was for everyone?
Again, she thought of her father being alone at the hospital while her mother was in surgery and felt like a terrible daughter. She should have at least visited once. She had no one to blame but herself. David was always saying they should take a weekend to visit their families. But she didn’t want to be that way with him, like they were married.
Well, now they never would be. And she was taking a man she had only just met to meet her family.
Maybe I’m changing.
Maybe it’s him. Maybe it’s me.
And maybe, just maybe, it’s a good thing
Stuart drove and turned up the radio, and was pretty delighted to hear a perfect road-trip sing-along song come on. “I love this song!” Ally sounded gleeful. Her seat was pushed back and her socked feet were up on the dashboard. This was the be
st day of his life.
They both jumped in on the chorus.
Don’t you dare look back. Just keep your eyes on me.
You’re holding back.
She said Shut up and dance with me!
They laughed together and studiously avoided singing along with the other lyrics. This girl is my destiny. In her eyes, I think I see the future… It seemed far too literal all of a sudden. Stuart was here for it, but front and center on his mind now was, Don’t scare her off. He could totally play it cool.
Probably.
***
The decided to do a quick run in for snacks and drinks, so they wouldn’t leave the cat alone. Scruffers had been remarkably keen on being in the cat carrier. They had put blankets in and a small blob of wet food. He’d walked right in and eaten, and curled up before they had even closed the gate. He’d been sleeping the entire trip. Ally had even asked Stuart if he’d drugged the cat (he said no); she was sure it wasn’t supposed to be that easy.
With a gallon of water and a bag full of chips, sweets and two apples, they agreed to drive for a few more hours before finding a hotel to stop for the night.
Ally’s mind skirted away from the idea of the hotel and what it implied. She didn’t have to get ahead of herself. Just be present, and live in the moment… She had taken enough yoga classes to at least try to live mindfully. (But not enough for it to become second nature. She made a mental note to try to be more consistent.)
With Death in Autumn Page 7