“I don’t know… probably not.”
She heard footsteps on the stairs and peeked around the doorway to see who it was. She was surprised to see Stuart. “Hi, didn’t think you’d be up so early!”
“I didn’t sleep great,” he said, and there were indeed dark circles under his eyes. “It’s really quiet here.”
“Aww, city boy.”
“Can I help?”
“There’s a package of crescent rolls in the fridge and a cookie sheet under the stove, if you want to start the rolls.”
“Canned rolls, mom? You’re going to ruin your reputation of the farm wife who cooks everything from scratch.”
Her mother snorted. “If that’s the reputation I have, I would lose it gladly.”
They chatted about nothing in particular for a few minutes, Allison’s mother catching her up on who had a baby, who’d been married, who had been divorced. Ally realized with dismay that she had fallen out of the habit of weekly phone calls to her parents. She appreciated them giving her space to live her life, but she felt so far apart from them.
That wouldn’t last long, if her business plan was as easy to implement as her mother made it sound. Ally was trying to think of a way to bring up the idea to Stuart, when her father walked into the room. She hadn’t heard him come down the stairs. It was impressive how light on his feet a man of such substantial size could be.
“Clay, how would you feel about sharing your cabin with Ally so she could open a singing studio there?”
Her father was definitely a morning person. He had probably only been awake long enough to shower - his hair was wet - but he looked like he’d been awake for hours, and his enthusiasm was the kind that grates on people who aren’t morning people, even when they are saying what you (somewhat secretly) wanted to hear. “That’d be great! I only want to use it a few times a week, as a base for when I go out for longer photo hikes. You’re going to make an album?”
“No, not that kind of studio. I was thinking about giving voice lessons.”
“Wonderful idea. Though an album would be great, you two are really something.” They had settled in around the table, food arranged family style. He gestured with his roll. “I was going to get a golf cart to be lazy, so your having students would really be a nice excuse for me.”
“That’s what I said!”
“We can call it the Voice-mobile!”
Her parents were very enthusiastic about this. Ally felt… a little hopeful. Like she was getting a second chance at a vocation in music. Maybe she and Stuart would record an album… But Stuart was giving her a strange look, his grey eyes intense in a way he hadn’t been over the last few, relaxed days of travel. “You’re thinking about settling in here, then?” he asked quietly, as her parents continued their planning. (Mostly about soundproofing and who they could convince to send business her way.)
“We just started talking about it. It’s new, but … yes. Maybe.”
“Oh.” He turned his attention to his plate. He sounded like his feelings were hurt, or was she imagining it? She didn’t think so. A mix of words flowed through her mind, variations of apologies or explanations, but they were all trumped by a singular sense of defensiveness. What right did he have to any opinion on her future? They hadn’t made any commitment to each other. They’d only been dating a few days… if you could stretch it so far as to call it dating. She would call it sleeping together.
Visions of the future did not a committed relationship make.
She turned her attention back to her parents. “Can I stay with you for the next few months, while I sort things out? I haven’t really thought very far ahead.”
“Of course, baby,” her dad answered. “That’s what we assumed you were doing, when you told us you had left David and your job. We wouldn’t send you out on the streets.”
“Neither would I,” Stuart said under his breath, so only she could hear.
Ally bristled. She wanted to say, You don’t own me. “Thanks. I was impulsive. I’m not usually.”
She caught the look her parents exchanged, in the way the long-married communicate in a second of time. “Well, you used to be,” her mother said.
“It’s true,” her dad said. “Something changed when you went to college.”
“I think it was just before that,” her mother said quietly, “when…”
Her voice drifted off. Ally knew what when was. And “when” was not breakfast conversation, especially when breakfast involved your new .. whatever Stuart was. Not boyfriend. Ally said, “When I decided to major in human resources,” she said with a warning look to her mother, who just nodded.
She really didn’t want to talk about when her high school sweetheart had died, but she had a feeling Stuart knew she was hiding something.
Well, she thought once again, I don’t owe him anything.
Chapter 15
Stuart excused himself after breakfast and said he thought he’d try to sleep a little longer. Ally told him there was a white noise app that had city sounds on it that might help. He had thought she was joking, but he had found it, and it actually did help. He ended up sleeping until 11.
When he woke, he sat at the small desk by the window for a little while, staring out the window at the snow. It was smooth everywhere, except for the road, which cut a black ribbon as far as he could see. He wondered what he should do. Hearing Ally make plans for her future had been harder for him than it should have been. They weren’t married, after all… never mind he had all but decided that was their destined future.
He had fallen too hard, too soon. That was always his weakness, and it would be his downfall if he wasn’t careful. Had he already pushed her away with his affection? Or maybe the evening before had been too much…. Maybe they should have stopped after just one song….Maybe he should have excused himself when he realized a large family event was happening.
Maybe, maybe, maybe.
With a sinking heart, it occurred to him that she probably didn’t like being seen as part of a couple yet, and that was how many of these people were meeting them for the first time. It would define her as a part of a relationship, and she might not be ready for that yet.
He stared at the winding road until it grew blurry. Maybe he should just follow it, right now. Ally was happy here. He could take the car for a few days, and go meet his family. He would give her space to decide what to do on her own, without any pressure.
She had been frosty this morning, and he didn’t really understand why, but he had learned the hard way that pushing someone to be closer to you, to trust you, just didn’t work.
Maybe if he walked away, things would work out better this time.
And really, it would only be for a few days.
***
Holly watched with dismay as Stuart drove away. She stood on the porch and waved him off, though Ally had claimed a headache and gone to lay down. Silly puppies, she thought. From the little they had told her, Stuart had found out that he had family he’d never known, and not in a 2nd-cousin, Ancestry.com way, but direct family. She was desperate to know more of the story, but something had changed overnight - literally overnight - between the two, and they were short in any answers they gave in each other’s company.
Stuart had announced that he was leaving to visit his family over lunchtime, and said he’d come back in two or three days. Ally had frozen, but Stuart hadn’t seemed to notice. Holly knew her daughter had been planning to go with him; why wouldn’t she speak up?
As the car vanished over the hill, Holly sighed. Her breath created an icy cloud. She turned her eyes to the treeline, thinking how nice it would be to have her daughter close for a while. She hadn’t been thrilled to have a cabin built, but now it seemed like destiny… her girl would be there, and she could be mom again.
Something caught her eye, and she squinted. Is someone back there? She watched for a few minutes, expecting to see a hiker emerge from the path - a rare occurrence, but it happened. Everything was st
ill and silent.
Oh, well, probably a deer, she told herself, but had the distinct and deeply unpleasant feeling of being watched.
***
Brad had woken with a melody in his head, and a sense of lightness in his heart. He decided to go for a walk before leaving for the gym, and not for the first time, his feet had taken him to the farmhouse… Well, not to, but close enough to see someone drive away, and the woman on the porch waving. It looked like such a happy family scene.
So normal.
He walked by the new cabin, peeked in the windows (again, not for the firsts time) and wondered if they would be renting it out. It would be a nice place to stay, if they were. Better than the camper, which got very cold the night before. His sleeping bag had kept him from shivering, but only just.
He walked back to the camper. When he turned the ignition key, there was a hesitation on the vehicle’s part. He panicked briefly. What would he do if it broke down? He would be stranded, or have to walk miles to town. And forget getting a gym membership, any last penny he had would have to go to repairing the damn thing.
The heaviness that had lifted for a short time, landed again on his chest. Why did life have to be so damn hard?
An extra turn of the key and pump of the gas did the trick, and he gave the truck some time to warm up. The closer he got to town, the more he felt like he was making a mistake. It was better to stay where no one could find him. He would be vulnerable, walking into the gym, signing up. They might even reject him.
“We don’t take homeless people,” they would say. Or “you smell terrible.” Even if they didn’t say it, they would surely think it.
He pulled into the parking lot and stared at the entrance for a long time, watching a few of the dedicated morning crowd shuffle in. He was surprised so many people were out on the day after snowfall. But it was different in Illinois, not like where he was from in the south, where an inch and a half of snow would shut down most schools.
As he watched, he wondered if any mass shooters had targeted a gym. He imagined all those annoyingly perky, skinny people, falling off treadmills… the hearts that they had worked so hard to keep healthy pumping their last rounds of blood.
He shook his head. And this is why you need a hobby, asshole. You’re going Unibomber crazy out here in the Boonies.
When he walked in, the warm air from the heater above the door nearly knocked him over. He walked to the desk and braced himself for rejection. A young man, 20 if he was a day, smiled brightly at him, like a rental car ad. “Good morning, how can I help you?”
“I was wondering if I could get a membership?”
“Would you like a tour first?”
“No, thanks.”
This seemed to delight the young man, and Brad was overwhelmed with relief. He hadn’t realized how much he had been expecting to be shamed, until it didn’t happen. Within minutes, he had signed forms, handed over his bank account information - at least he still was man enough to have a bank account, until the government took that, too - and was headed into the locker rooms with a towel.
He showered first, then put on shorts and a shirt and headed out into the exercise area. He stepped on a treadmill and pretended he knew what he was doing - which, it turned out, he did. It really wasn’t that hard. He only planned to walk for a few minutes, but he found himself actually enjoying the experience. He was watching a show about home makeovers, with closed captioning on, and the sense of normalcy overcame him like a warm blanket.
Maybe I can be normal again, he thought.
After a 30-minute walk, he sat in the sauna, took another shower, and walked back to the camper feeling like a new man.
***
Ally knew she had made a mistake as soon as the car vanished from the twisting ribbon of road. She rushed from the bedroom window to snatch the phone from the nightstand, and drafted 5 possibilities before giving up.
I’m sorry - I’m not a morning person.
Can you come back? I’d really love to meet your family.
I don’t really know what I want from the future, but I really hope you come back.
I’m sorry.
Hey - are we okay?
She put the phone down and rested her head in her hands before crawling back under the covers. Scruffers meowed in objection at being bumped, then re-positioned himself against her side for maximum warmth and purred. She scratched his ears, and his purr grew louder. “It’s okay,” she said quietly. “He’ll come back.”
Ally wanted to reach out to Stuart, to let him know she hadn’t made any decisions, that it wasn’t about him… but wasn’t that the problem, really? He was ready to commit, and she wasn’t. Nothing had really changed for her. She still didn’t understand how people committed to each other, when there was so much to lose. Even knowing there was a chance that she would regret it someday, that she had actually had a vision of herself regretting it… She couldn’t imagine giving someone your heart, knowing they would die, knowing it would be broken.
Just like high school. She had been head over heels for a boy. Even then, she had some reticence. She had lost people she loved when she was small, so there was always a part of her that held back. But she had softened with her first love, and even at 17 they had been planning a future together. Ally knew a lot of those romances didn’t last. People grew up, they changed, they moved apart… but she would never know. Her dreams had been crushed, and her heart broke into a million pieces.
And there was more to it, but she hadn’t faced it fully then, and now that she was beginning to understand. She sighed. Well, that wasn’t going to make it any easier to face.
It was more than ten years ago. As with a lot of milestone events, it seemed so many years gone, but immediate and present, all at once.
She picked up the phone. Have a good time! Let me know how it goes. Can’t wait until you get back. :)
It was shallow, hollow, and didn’t ring true.
She hit send.
***
Holly sat with her husband over lunch. He’d invited her to meet in town at the local gathering spot (charming restaurant, homey, northern exposure), and she had hesitated, thinking she should stay close in case Ally wanted to talk. She wondered if the young couple had broken up, and wouldn’t her daughter need her if so? But, Holly reminded herself, Ally was a grown woman, who hadn’t come to her mother about breakup advice since she was 14. She left a note on the kitchen table and headed out.
The day had warmed quickly, and the brief snow had melted everywhere but small patches in the shade. She was loosening her Stuartet before she got out of the car, when a familiar voice called to her. “Holly! I’m so glad you’re here!”
It was Samantha Townsend, who acted as if they hadn’t seen each other in years, when they had just seen each other last night at her own house. Still, she greeted her enthusiastically, and as if it were a huge coincidence to meet at the most popular lunch spot on this side of a small-city-slash-big-town. “Just having lunch with Clay. He was bringing in some of his photographs to be framed. Did you know that gallery down on Landon Street is going to have a showing later this month? We’d love you to come to the opening.”
Samantha fanned herself. She was from Canada originally, so 50 degrees in late October was a positive heat wave. “I’d love to. You two are really having a busy retirement! You’ll make the rest of us look lazy… Not that I’ll ever get to retire.”
“You’re too young, anyway. 45?”
“Oh, stop. You know how old I am.” But she grinned. (And it was true. Holly knew she was 53. She herself had retired at 55, but she had gotten out just before pensions started vanishing into thin air, and she had done really well with her 401(k), which she had guarded viciously even through lean farm years.) “But I wanted to talk to you about last night. You know, everyone has been talking.”
“Oh?” Holly smiled sweetly and braced herself. One of the best and worst parts of living in a small town - which was how she thought of her small
sphere of Joliet, if not the entire city - was how quickly news spread. Lord, what are they going to get worked up about now? Fortunately, Holly was a natural diplomat, and while her daughter may not have always appreciated it, she had an easy insight into human nature. If she had been a bit more assertive, she probably could have used it to great power in some career or other. But being a teacher had been a joy for her. (Mostly. She wouldn’t ever admit it to anyone else, but she was beyond glad to be moving on from working directly with children to helping adults with their own children.)
Samantha said, “Ally and Stuart, they are really incredible, aren’t they? I could have listened to them all night!”
Oh, well then! This was the kind of gossip she could get behind. “They really surprised me, too, honestly. I had no idea, and then Ally brought in her friend’s violin, and one thing led to another…”
“Friend?” Samantha raised her eyebrows.
Holly shrugged. “They haven’t proclaimed anything else, and it’s not my business. But I do think they would make a nice couple. It’s just that she recently broke up with a long-term -” Oh, hush, girl, you are going to feed the gossip machine. “Well, as the Facebook status might say if she was still on Facebook, it’s complicated.”
“Have they been playing music together long? Do they have an album?”
Holly found herself a little taken aback by her friend’s enthusiasm. It was like she was talking about a rock star passing through town or something. “Well, no.. I don’t think so. We were just talking about setting up a recording studio…”
Samantha beamed. “That would be wonderful. You know, I’ve never felt so good as when I listened to them, and I slept so well last night, like a baby! I’ve been an insomniac ever since nursing school.”
Rather uncharitably, Holly thought that probably had more to do with the extra glasses of wine she had had, but smiled and said, “My grandmother always said ‘music soothes the savage beast.’” As soon as the words were out of her mouth, and she saw the look on her friend’s face ( a bit puzzled, a bit of deciding whether to be offended) she realized how that sounded. “Not that you would be… Anyway, music is soothing, isn’t it? I shouldn’t keep Clay waiting, but I will definitely pass it on.”
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