You're Teaching My Child What?

by Miriam Grossman

  Yes, madness—that’s the right word.

  With messages like this coming from websites recommended to our kids, it should come as no surprise that 34 percent of girls are sexually active by age fifteen. The figure goes up to nearly 80 percent four years later, with more than one-fifth of all fifteen- to nineteen-year-olds reporting two or more partners in the past year. Hey, they are exploring their sexuality; it’s only “natural.”

  But in these times, anyone “exploring” sexuality is at risk for some two dozen different bacteria, viruses, parasites, and fungi; and infection is likely to happen soon after sexual debut. Who suffers the most? Girls. One of the many facts withheld by “sex educators” is that teen girls are anatomically more vulnerable to sexually transmitted diseases than boys. They also gloss over the fact that decades of sex education have taken our society from having essentially two sexually transmitted diseases to worry about (syphilis and gonorrhea) to having more than two dozen, including some incurable viruses, and one that’s often fatal: HIV. They deem it vital for kids to know there are not one, but three types of intercourse; apparently they don’t need to know that one of these is so dangerous that a surgeon general warned against it, even with a condom.

  An anonymous survey of 10,000 teen girls found they began having sexual intercourse on average at age 15.30

  And this question is never, ever raised: what new bug is out there, spreading undetected, an epidemic in the making?

  There are some things you need to know about condoms—what sex educators call “protection.” Most teens do not use them correctly and consistently. Even with proper use, both pregnancy and infection can occur. That’s why so many health providers have given unwelcome news to young patients who insist, “But we used a condom, every time!”

  These young victims are angry, because even after following the rules, after being responsible, they’re in trouble: using a condom gave them a false sense of security.24 And need I mention that latex provides no protection against the emotional distress that often follows teen sexual behavior? As many have observed, condoms do not protect the heart, in particular the female heart.25 That’s another thing SIECUS, Planned Parenthood, and Columbia’s “Alice” never tell your daughter.

  Again, the priority of our nation’s sex educators is to promote sexual freedom, not prevent infections and emotional distress. In fact, as the numbers of infections reach ever more mind-numbing levels, these educators argue for more of last century’s methods. The solution to the epidemic is to teach more kids they are “sexual from womb to tomb,” encourage more teens to question their families’ values, and to send trucks with even larger loads of contraceptives to middle schools—to be distributed without parental knowledge. Have they lost their minds?

  Wake Up, America!

  You might think I’m bashing sex ed because I’m on the other side of the battle. Not exactly. Abstinence education tells kids to wait for marriage, and for many that message rests on moral foundations. As an Orthodox Jew, I share those values—but you won’t find me quoting Leviticus in these pages. I’ll leave that to parents and pastors. I write as a physician, and my approach is anchored in hard science.

  I wrote this book to tell parents they’re being conned by the sex education industry. These powerful organizations present themselves as guardians of our children’s health and well-being; they claim to provide kids with all the information and skills they need to make healthy choices. They assert they give your child the same message she hears at home: you’re too young—wait until you’re older. They claim their curricula are “science-based,” age-appropriate, non-judgmental, up-to-date, and medically accurate. And they believe they know better than you do what’s best for your kids, so you should trust them, the “experts,” and ignore your gut feelings.

  Wake up, America: this is one giant hoax. I know these groups, their values, and curricula. They are steeped in ideology, permeated with extremism. Non-judgmental? Sure, until they’re challenged with scientific facts. Point to the science that discredits their beliefs, and, well, you know the names you’ll be called.

  They do not give young people the same message as parents. Children are inundated from a tender age with a “sex-positive” message; they’re taught that sexuality is a life-long adventure, “who they are” from cradle to grave, and that the freedom to explore and express their sexuality is a sacred “right.” While teens are told that delaying sexual behavior is an option—and sure, it’s the only 100 percent certain way to avoid infections and pregnancy—it is not presented as the healthiest choice, the one recommended by experts. Consider the views of Debra Haffner, a recent SIECUS president who is now a minister. Pre-marital sex is so essential, the Reverend Haffner appears to believe, that she’d “refuse to marry a couple who told me that they had shared no sexual behaviors at all.”26

  The experts do not provide teens with all they need to know to make informed decisions, nor is their information medically accurate. They dismiss fundamentals of child development, and omit critical findings of neurobiology, gynecology, and infectious disease. HIV information is distorted. The psychological distress associated with teen sex, especially when followed by a genital infection, is whitewashed.

  The “experts” are wrong, and parents are right. Boys and girls have vast differences, sexual behavior is profound and consequential, and we reap immense benefits from self-restraint. Mom and Dad should trust their common sense, gut feelings, and traditional values. Children raised by parents who are moderately strict and voice clear expectations about delaying sexual activity, are the kids least likely to engage in harmful behaviors. Yes, that throwback excuse works: “I can’t—my parents would kill me!”

  A 911 Emergency

  In the course of my practice, your sons and daughters have shared with me what life has brought them—what cards they’ve been dealt. They reveal their secrets: I lied to my parents. My girlfriend gave me herpes. My stepfather raped me. I want die.

  The worst part? When something awful happened that was 100 percent preventable. This category includes, but is not limited to, blisters or warts in private places, meaningless, regrettable sex, pre-cancerous conditions, age-related infertility. If only I’d known . . . , patients say. If only someone had told me.

  Parents, there are so many things your children don’t know. There are so many things they are not being told.

  Here’s the bottom line. We have an emergency here, a 911 emergency. Parents, educators, and health providers must convey the same message to kids: Right now, sexually transmitted diseases are out of control. We’ve never had a crisis like this. These infections are painful and nasty, they can even be life-threatening, so you want to avoid them at all costs. Girls are particularly vulnerable. Your health and future are precious; don’t take a chance of becoming one of the many people who regret putting their entire trust in a vaccine,27 or a piece of latex. Be smart, delay sex until you’re an adult, then try to find someone who also waited. The closer you get to that ideal, the better your chances of enjoying a life free of these worries.

  This book will help you do that. I’ve combed through current medical research, and collected what you need to know when you sit down with your child. If you’ve got religious values backing you up, you’re in even better shape.

  Almost half of high school students nationwide and about 62 percent of students in the twelfth grade have had sexual intercourse. 31

  Make no mistake: this is a battle, and the battleground is our kids’ minds and values. It’s time for sweeping changes in the way we teach them about intimacy; with one in four teen girls carrying a sexually transmitted infection, we’ve paid the price for telling them “exploration” is beneficial, and a Sex and the City lifestyle can be “safe,” or even “safer.” In providing that message, we have failed our kids.

  The sex ed industry cannot be like Casablana’s Captain Renault, “shocked” about soaring rates of genital infections while crusading for “sexual freedom.” It’
s one or the other. If their priority is our children’s health, they must focus on fighting herpes and syphilis, not sexism and homophobia. They must grow up, shed their 1960s mentality, and enter the twenty-first century.

  Then they must respond to this catastrophe by declaring war on teen sexual behavior. Yes, war—just as we’ve declared war on smoking, drinking, and transfats. Stop foisting the ill-conceived notion that sexual openness and exploration is healthy. That was never true, and it’s surely not true now, with genital bacteria and viruses infecting another young person every 3.5 seconds.28

  How much worse can it get?

  It’s time to trash the SIECUS and Planned Parenthood curricula, along with the sites they recommend, and start over, from scratch. Sex education in the twenty-first century should have one agenda: to keep kids free of unnecessary physical and emotional distress. It will require straight talk with all the sobering facts. There’s much to look forward to, kids will be told, but you’ve got to play it smart. It will remind them: you are responsible for yourselves; you alone will determine your sexual health; it will convince them that momentary pleasures are definitely not “worth it.” And it will give them our vote of confidence—we know you can do it.

  This book is a tool for parents, health care providers, and teachers to counter the destructive messages that kids are getting—not only from MTV, but from national organizations supported by their tax dollars. It sounds an alarm, delineates the issues, and provides practical solutions.

  If only I’d known..., patients tell me. If only someone had told me. My hope is that the information in these pages will help spare parents, teachers, health providers—anyone involved in the lives of young people—from hearing that plea in the future.

  Chapter One

  Who’s Teaching Your Children?

  THE NATION’S CONFLICT OVER SEX EDUCATION is a battle over your child’s mind. How will she understand intimacy, not just its mechanics and risks, but its power and proper place in her life? What was once a discreet conversation between you and your child is now in the hands of educators and politicians.

  Parents, beware: the people teaching your child are activists, promoting radical agendas at odds with your values.

  They insist they’re neutral and free of agendas—promoting healthy sexuality is what they’re about. Sounds great, but those claims are bogus. Sex education is about as neutral as a catechism class. And like a catechism, the “information” and “guidance” offered is designed to inculcate particular beliefs in young people.

  Sex education is not about health—it’s a social movement, a vehicle for changing the world. It happens one child at a time, and it goes on right under your nose.

  Take a closer look at the curricula and the websites recommended to teens,1 and you’ll see what I mean. The following questions were posed on websites recommended to teens by prominent sex education organizations.

  Question: My boyfriend and I are thinking of having sex. Can I get the pill without my mom knowing?2

  Answer: Generally, yes. There is no law that requires a parent’s permission for the pill ... A good place to start is a place that receives money from . . . Title X funding ... they can’t tell your mom if you got the pill. You can find a Title X clinic near you through [website provided] ...

  Question: Is it normal for girls to experiment with sex together when they’re not lesbian?3

  Answer: With young adults, it’s always been developmentally common to be less selective about—or to have a wider net of—sexual partners. (And we might also even ask ourselves where people get the idea that sex within the context of romantic love is the best place for it ... there’s a pretty hardcore political and cultural agenda behind that notion).... When it comes to sexuality. . . what’s important isn’t that we are all ‘normal,’ but that our sexuality feels authentic and good for us ... and that whatever we do with others makes us all happy.

  Question: What is a girl to do when her boyfriend tells her he likes to be the “slave,” and lists the ways he’d like to be punished? “We’re only 15, and I just want to have a fairly normal relationship.”4

  Answer: ‘Normal’ is a pretty arbitrary term. The boyfriend’s wishes are not abnormal or deviant when practiced consensually. . . in the right time and place ... nearly anything we do can be normal, healthy and empowering.... It isn’t a particular act or practice that determines normality, well-being and health, but how we practice it.

  You could have knocked me over with a feather when I found these Q&A’s. “Nearly anything we do can be normal”? “There’s a political and cultural agenda behind” the notion that romantic love is the best place for sex? It’s “developmentally common” for young adults to have a wide net of sexual partners?

  Heather Corinna, Ellen Friedrichs, and other “experts” dish out advice like this to tens of thousands of young readers who visit their sites5 in search of help with matters small and large: from kissing with braces on their teeth, to abortions and suicidal behavior. Yet in addition to answering teens’ questions, Heather and “educators” like her familiarize kids with fringe behaviors, provide links to adult-only sites,6 and urge their readers to join the fight for “social justice.”

  As a mother and psychiatrist who has spent years helping kids like these, I had to know: are these individuals qualified to advise teens through complex, life-altering decisions? How would a 13-year-old get to scarleteen and gURL.com, where these questions were posted, anyhow? Why are risky and bizarre behaviors and political agendas endorsed on sites about teen health and sexuality? For that matter, why haven’t these sites—in existence for years—been shut down long ago by professional health organizations?

  Having read this far, it may not surprise you to learn that these “experts” are not physicians, psychologists, or nurses. Heather, who reassured the 15-year-old about her boyfriend’s sexual masochism, describes herself as “a queer, feminist activist, writer, photographer, artist, educator, and Internet publisher and community organizer.... She has been considered a pioneer of both online women’s and young adult sexuality, having brought inclusive, informative, feminist, original, creative and radical sexuality content to the web and beyond since 1997.”

  She studied English Literature, Erotic Spirituality and Sociology in college. She ran an alternative Kindergarten in her early twenties. She sold wheatgrass and sprouts ... waited tables, rang cash registers, taught kickboxing and self-defense, did political canvassing . . .

  In addition to scarleteen, Heather has two other websites. At Femmerotic. com, what she calls her “online home,” you’ll find this warning: Portions of this site often contain sexuality, nudity & salty language and are intended for adult viewers.

  At scarletletters.com, the warning is simpler: “adult themes.” From the homepage: “We break boundaries and bridge gaps, crashing the genre and gender barricades.... Get ready to look at sexuality, erotica, creativity and online media in a whole new way.... If you are over 18, enter HERE.”

  I’m well over 18, but decided against entering scarletletters or femmerotic. I knew enough to conclude that Heather Corinna—the same Heather to whom SIECUS refers teens in angst about acne, guys, and parents, is not only without any formal medical or psychological training—she’s a bona fide pornographer.7

  How Do Teens Get to These Sites?

  Simple. They are sent to them, and a host of similar sites, by the country’s largest and most respected sex ed organizations—the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States (SIECUS), Planned Parenthood, and Advocates for Youth. Some of the sites and organizations maintain presence on Facebook, MySpace, and Twitter—hoping to connect to even more teens. Furthermore, these organizations receive funding from the federal Centers for Disease Control (CDC). So indirectly, our kids access Heather, and other “experts” like her, with the help of our tax dollars.8

  SIECUS has been the nation’s flagship sex ed organization for nearly fifty years, and is currently the leading a
dvocate for comprehensive sexuality education. This group has “trained hundreds of thousands of educators, worked with thousands of policymakers, appeared in the leading print and broadcast media outlets, and led the effort to advance sexual and reproductive health on six continents,” according to their website.9 SIECUS claims to represent a neutral, ideology-free, common sense approach; it receives federal funding through a cooperative agreement with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s Division of Adolescent and School Health.10

  PLANNED PARENTHOOD FEDERATION is “the nation’s leading sexual and reproductive health care advocate and provider.”11According to its 2007–2008 annual report,12 Planned Parenthood’s “operating and other funds” totaled $1.038 billion, with over a third of that sum ($349.6 million) coming from government grants and contracts. This immense and powerful organization believes “we are sexual from the day we are born until the day we die.”13

  ADVOCATES FOR YOUTH (AFY) is “a bold voice and respected leader in the field of adolescent reproductive and sexual health.”14 They pioneered the movement to establish “reproductive health care clinics” near junior and senior high schools; they also encourage and support “young activists across the country and around the world.” Their popular “Life Planning Education” places sex ed in the context of life skills such as communication and decision- making—a great idea, but students learn here that “children are sexual even before birth. Males can have erections while still in the uterus and some boys are born with an erection.”15