Confessions in the Dark

by Jeanette Grey

  And it was as if something melted in Penny’s spine, as if maybe she’d been waiting for someone to ask her that forever.

  “I don’t even know. It just...It got bad again, you know? And I’ve been handling it. I’ve been doing everything right. No skipping appointments or doses or anything, but it just got worse. I feel like I’m at the bottom of a pool, and I can’t breathe, and—” Her voice ratcheted higher and higher, coming faster with every ragged inhalation.

  Serena clutched her close, stroking her hair and mumbling nonsense, the words of comfort she’d been practicing for what felt like her entire life now.

  Movement at the corner of her vision drew her gaze up. She met Cole’s eyes across the room. Concern crinkled his brow, an unspoken question on his lips, but she gave a tiny shake of her head. She was fine. She had this.

  Looking away, she ran her hand over Penny’s back. “It’s okay. It’s all okay.”

  “Just...remember when I was smart?”

  “Shhh. You’re one of the smartest people I know.”

  Her sister gave a choking laugh. “You wouldn’t know it. I lost another job. I thought I’d find something, but the insurance ran out, and I don’t know how I’m going to pay for any of it.”

  Serena swallowed. That was a problem, but they’d figure it out. “We’ll take care of it. Your only job right now is to get well again.” Maybe it would be something simple like switching her meds. Maybe it wouldn’t. Either way...“As long as you’re here, we’ll take care of you.”

  How long would that even be? Penny hated having Serena and their mother clucking over her—she’d made that perfectly clear the last time she’d left.

  Even now, Serena was probably holding on too tight.

  She forced herself to loosen her grip. “And then when you’re better,” she said, shaky, “when you’re well enough to go back home, we’ll get you all set up. Get everything in place.”

  A treatment plan and the right doctors. Maybe they could even get Penny to give them the names of some of her friends so they could establish a decent network this time. That way, when things went wrong, she and her mom wouldn’t have to sit here, halfway across the country and going out of their minds with worry.

  Except before she could say any of that, Penny pulled free, sitting straight. The coffee she still had clasped between her hands sloshed dangerously, but Penny didn’t pay it any mind.

  “No. No, Rena, don’t you get it? I—” Something in her face broke. “If you don’t want me to, it’s okay. Fuck, you’d have enough reason to. I—” She almost looked like she was about to get up, and Serena had this teetering moment where she imagined her sister heading straight out the door, maybe never to be seen or heard from again.

  Serena reached out, getting a hand on her wrist and holding on tight. “What are you talking about?”

  Hazy green eyes the exact same shade as her own focused in on her. “My life is a mistake, Rena.”

  “I—”

  A fresh wave of tears streaked down her face. “I spent all this time running away. I thought it was better for you and better for Max and Mom, and just better. For everyone. But I can’t—I just can’t anymore.”

  “Okay.” Serena took a steadying breath, but her mind was spinning.

  Better? Nothing was better when Penny wasn’t there.

  Penny shook her head. “I didn’t want to be the broken sister or the useless mother or the fucking burden anymore. But instead...” Her voice cracked, and Serena’s heart did, too. “I ended up not really having a family at all, and I’m tired. I’m so tired.”

  “Penny...”

  “Please.” She twisted her wrist, flipping it around so she was grasping Serena right back. “Please. Rena. I want to come home.”

  Cole didn’t belong here.

  His throat tight, he flipped the eggs and turned off the stove. Out in the other room, both Penny and Serena were crying now, and the whole thing had his heart feeling tender and his neck hot. This was between the two of them, and as much as he wanted to help, to support, he didn’t really have any place here.

  He didn’t have any place anywhere. Just seconds ago, Penny had been talking about not having a family. Cole had one, distant as they were, both emotionally and geographically. For a brief, shimmering moment, back with Helen, he’d had another. He’d had siblings, if only in law. Nieces and nephews. But he’d lost them along with everything else.

  Watching Penny be accepted back into the fold made something inside him ache.

  But this wasn’t about him.

  The toaster popped, pulling him out of his circling thoughts. He placed a slice on the first two plates, then set another couple of pieces going. He trained his ears toward the other room, waiting for a lull. When it came, schooling his expression, he turned.

  “Breakfast is ready, ladies.”

  Serena smiled her thanks, letting her sister go. “I’ll get it.”

  As she approached, the tender spots on Cole’s heart bloomed into bruises. The instant she came within reach, he caught her up with his free arm, tugging her close and breathing in her scent. “You’re amazing,” he whispered.

  She’d been so kind and patient and loving with him. He should’ve known it came from practice.

  With a soft, wet laugh, she shook her head. “Hardly.”

  “You are. You don’t even know.” He released her, cupping her face as he did and swiping his thumb at the traces of tears left on her cheeks. “What can I do?”

  “You’ve already done so much...”

  He fixed her with a stern look. “I’ve made breakfast.”

  “My point exactly. Thank you.”

  She expected so bloody little from people. If he could, he’d give her the world.

  He opened his mouth to tell her just that, but she kissed his knuckles, then ducked under his arm, effectively giving him her back. It left him on the outside all over again. Useless.

  Opening the silverware drawer, she grabbed a couple of forks, then pitched her voice higher as she picked up her and Penny’s plates. “After this, we’re probably going to get cleaned up. If you want to go back to your place to shower or whatever...”

  She probably didn’t mean it that way, but it felt like a dismissal all the same. “Do you want me to? I’m happy to stay. To help.”

  “My mom’ll be here eventually.” She shrugged.

  So she did want him to go. A part of him itched to protest. It wasn’t just the early morning wake-up call that had originally had him on edge, prepared to throw out anyone who meant Serena harm. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but there was still this feeling of unease that made him hesitant to leave.

  But he’d do as she asked.

  He wasn’t sure who he was comforting as he tugged her in again, fitting his chest in tight against her spine. He pressed a hard, too-intense kiss to her temple, closing his eyes for the span of a breath. “If you need me...”

  “I know where you live,” she said, all quiet resolve.

  She’d asked him once to trust her. Part of that was trusting her to be able to handle this the way she wanted.

  So even though it killed him, he let her go.

  There wasn’t any warning. One second, Serena and Penny were sitting huddled on the couch, distracting themselves with reruns on Netflix, and the next the door crashed open, slamming into the doorstop with a crack. Serena started, jumping to her feet.

  Her mother was a fright, hair undone, the buttons on her jacket misaligned. Wild, crazed eyes scanned the apartment, racing back and forth. They skated right past Serena, and Serena’s stomach gave a hint of a twist.

  It twisted harder when they found what they were looking for. Her mother’s gaze homed in on Penny’s face, and with scarcely another breath, she was stalking across the room. Her nostrils flared, her pointer finger coming out, jabbing wildly toward the ground, punctuating every word. “Do you have any idea what I have been through this month? Do you want to kill your mother? Do you want
me in an early grave?”

  “Jeez, Mom—”

  “Don’t you ‘jeez’ me. What were you thinking scaring us like that?”

  Penny crossed her arms over her chest, squirming as she slumped down deeper against the couch. “I didn’t mean to.”

  At least this put them back on familiar ground. Penny’s frustration with being handled, as she put it, had sometimes led her to acting out. The aftermath had usually ended up like this, with their mother channeling sheer terror into screaming while Penny quietly stewed. Serena watched on, stuck in place the way she always was, all secondhand terror and this wrong, irrational envy.

  Penny was sick. Mental illness was just as serious as any other kind. Of course she got the lion’s share of the attention. Of course their mother had been scared.

  And yet, Serena couldn’t seem to beat back the tiny curl of wistfulness inside her.

  When had her mother ever looked at her like that? With that kind of ferocity and desperation to her love?

  Letting out a deep breath, their mom crossed the final feet of space to the couch only to drop to her knees. She set her hands on Penny’s shoulders, eyes brimming over. “Don’t you ever do that to me again, you hear me? My heart can’t take it. Not after everything else.”

  Lip trembling, Penny hugged herself tighter. “I’m sorry, Mom.”

  “I thought I’d lost you.” With that, their mom hauled Penny into her arms. Penny resisted for the barest fraction of a moment before melting into it.

  “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

  Mom just clutched her harder, rocking them back and forth, cheeks wet.

  Serena’s own eyes stung, vision blurring. The lump in her throat threatened to choke her as she swallowed again and again.

  Finally, their mom let Penny go. She clasped her by the shoulders, holding her at arm’s length, physically shaking her. “Things get bad again, you call me, okay? You don’t disappear and you don’t scare your sister. You call me.”

  “I know.” Penny curled her arms around herself, like she was trying to make herself smaller. “I thought I could handle it myself, but...”

  She trailed off, and the nervy anticipation in Serena’s chest made her lungs squeeze tight. Their mother looked set to launch right back into another lecture, and Serena couldn’t take it anymore.

  “Penny,” Serena broke in. “Tell Mom what you told me.”

  Penny’s mouth pinched as she looked to Serena. But she gave a little nod. “I...I want to come home.”

  And Serena watched it all happen. Their mom froze, everything in her going deathly still except her eyes. Her gaze bounced back and forth between her daughters. “Don’t play with your poor mother’s heart.”

  “I’m not,” Penny said. “I promise. I already told Serena. I just...I want a new start. I don’t want to have to do it alone anymore.”

  A pale shred of hope fought its way into their mother’s eyes. “You mean it.”

  Penny’s voice seemed to catch, so she just nodded, throat bobbing. Weak and small, she managed, “Mom, please. Can I come home?”

  “Oh, baby girl.” Her mouth cracked. “Of course you can.”

  They fell into each other’s arms again, and Serena’s tears spilled over.

  They were going to be a family again. It was like this glowing bubble in her chest had formed, and it expanded, growing and growing until it felt like it would burst. Penny had left, and there’d been this hole in all their lives ever since. It was finally going to be filled, and she couldn’t be happier.

  Yet there was still this twisting feeling in her gut.

  She swiped at her eyes. Crap, why had she sent Cole away? She’d thought this would be a family moment, and it was, but she suddenly wanted so badly to be sharing it with him. To have someone to turn to, someone to hold her like her mother and her sister were holding on to each other.

  She bit down on the inside of her cheek.

  In front of her was everything she’d thought she’d ever wanted in this world.

  So why did it feel like it was slipping through her hands?

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Don’t forget to thank Mr. Cole,” Serena said, shuffling Max toward the door.

  Hefting his backpack higher on his shoulders, he twisted around to wave back at Cole. “Thank you, Mr. Cole.”

  “You’re very welcome.”

  Serena glanced over her shoulder at him. He stood in the doorway between the living room and the kitchen, barely leaning on his crutch at all. She gave him an uncertain smile.

  It was kind of amazing how fast he was getting better now. He still swore a blue streak at his physical therapy appointments, but he’d been doing all of his exercises, both with her and on his own. The lack of strain—the lack of pain—shone on his face. Who knew? He might not even need the crutch anymore before long.

  His brows furrowed, an unspoken question in his eyes, and she worked a little harder at smiling. There was an uneasiness in her chest, but she couldn’t quite place it.

  Probably just the fact that it was her sister downstairs instead of her mom.

  She paused at the door. This was usually where she and Max stopped to do their handshake and get their hug. She hesitated, shifting her weight. This really wasn’t necessary, but—

  Ugh. Catching Cole’s eye again, she gestured down the stairs and ruffled Max’s hair. “I’m just going to...”

  “I’ll be here,” Cole said.

  Yeah. He would, wouldn’t he? The warmth of that reassurance pushed away a little of the disquiet twisting her up inside.

  With a grateful nod, she opened the door and shooed Max through it. He hopped his way down the stairs while Serena took them one at a time. At the base of them, she glanced through the window by the door and frowned. Her mom always did a U-turn while she was waiting for Max to come out, but Penny was still idling on the other side of the street. Max opened the door and spilled out onto the sidewalk.

  “Look both ways,” she called.

  “Duh.”

  Okay, maybe Serena deserved that. Max had been crossing the street on his own for years, and there wasn’t even any traffic or anything. That didn’t mean she couldn’t worry, though.

  Penny rolled the window of their mother’s car down as Serena approached. “Hey.”

  “Hey.” She ducked down to look through the window at her.

  About a week had passed since Penny’s dramatic return, and on the whole it had been good. She’d gotten back into therapy with her old practice, and they’d started her on some new medications that sure seemed to be helping. Already, it looked like she’d made up for a solid year’s worth of sleep—maybe more. The dark circles under her eyes were all but gone, and there was some color in her cheeks again. It was good to see.

  Still. Serena hadn’t been expecting her to be on car pool duty yet.

  Going for casual and probably missing by a mile, she lifted a brow. “Where’s Mom?”

  “At work. I had an appointment in the burbs, so she let me have the car for the day. We’re picking her up next, right, Max?”

  Settling himself in the backseat, Max pulled his seat belt across his chest. “Right.”

  He didn’t seem to see anything amiss with any of this, so Serena wasn’t going to, either.

  A lump formed in the back of her throat. So many times, she’d wished that Penny would come back, for Max’s sake if for no one else’s. Still, she hadn’t entirely realized how it would feel to see the two of them acting so easy around each other. They’d never tried to keep the kid in the dark about his admittedly unconventional family. His mom had him really young and hadn’t been able to give him the life he deserved, so his grandma and his aunt Rena took care of him instead. Penny popped home for the occasional visit, and Max was always happy enough to see her, but he’d never questioned their arrangement or why he was better off with things the way they were.

  When Penny had ridden back into their lives, he’d taken that in stride, too, and Serena wa
s so proud of him she could burst.

  Smiling more genuinely now, she shifted to the side to peer in at him. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay, buddy?”

  “Actually...” Penny waited until Serena darted her gaze back to her. “I was thinking I could pick him up after school tomorrow.”

  Serena flinched back. “What?”

  “I want to spend some more time with him. And besides”—squirming slightly, she pitched her voice lower, as if that would keep Max from listening in—“all this free time. My therapist thinks it’d be good for me to have some more structure. Responsibilities, you know?”

  Of course. Serena had just been thinking how great it was that the two of them would get to bond. This was good.

  So why did it leave her with this sinking feeling in her gut?

  Pushing it aside, she rifled through her mental calendar. Max had practice the day after, so she probably wouldn’t see him, unless her mom ran late and asked her to pick him up last minute again.

  Except...with Penny at home, their mom really wouldn’t need her to do that anymore, would she?

  With a strange numbness settling over her, she said, “So Thursday, then.”

  Penny looked guilty. “Max and I were planning to go shopping Thursday. Did you know he’s outgrown all his summer clothes already? Mom had him try a bunch of them on the other night. He’s growing like a weed these days.” She paused, seeming uncertain. “I mean, you can come along, too, if you want?”

  Serena’s ears were ringing.

  “No.” She took a step back from the car. “No, that’s okay.”

  Penny’s eyebrows drew together, and she tilted her head to the side. “Are you all right?”

  “Yeah. Fine. Just—” Just what? Her whole calendar for the week had cleared itself like magic. She wasn’t just fine—she was thrilled.

  And at the same time, that little pit of uncertainty was threatening to turn into a yawning chasm.

  “Just...I talked this through with Mom, and I’ve got all this free time right now. It’s making me a little...restless.” Beneath the steering wheel, her knee bounced up and down. Being at loose ends had never been a good thing for Penny. Serena knew that. “You do so much for him, but Mom told me how busy you are. And I know you’re seeing that hot British guy with”—she gestured toward her chest—“the tattoos and all.” An uncertain, hopeful smile ghosted her face. “I thought I could take some of the load.”