One Little Lie: a hate to love rom-com

by Whitney Barbetti

  “Ready to talk now?” Sarah asked.

  “There’s nothing to say.”

  “I thought you hated lying.”

  I gave her a look meant to cut her in half but she didn’t take it.

  “I know you’re pissed at the world and upset and you’ve got every right to be—trust me. But maybe, if you talk about it, it’ll get easier.”

  “I’m not going to talk to you about it.” I stubbed out the cigarette and eyed the inside of the pack. I bought one pack, promising myself not to buy a second. I’d give myself enough time to polish off the cigarettes I had left, and then I’d get my life back together and figure things out. I didn’t know why a pack of cigarettes was my timeline for everything, but it was the first promise I had made to myself in several days.

  I fished my phone out of my pocket, knowing full well it was rude. But I didn’t want to talk to Bobby or Sarah. I wanted to go back to two days ago, when I had been in the mountains with Hollis.

  Fuck. Even thinking her name made me hurt. I wanted to be the person who could confide in their girlfriend, who could rely on her to tell me it would be okay. Even if it was a lie, it was the one lie I could do with. But something was nagging in my brain. We didn’t figure things out after we’d had sex. And she’d acted so weirdly anyway—like she’d regretted it, maybe?

  I hadn’t finished setting up my new phone, so I had to download all my apps all over again. I had put it off since getting the phone—for obvious reasons—but with Sarah breathing down my neck, I needed the distraction. I logged into Facebook, seeing the explosion of notifications. Most of them were condolences, which I ignored for the time being. But what caught my eye were the photos I had been tagged in. I clicked on one, a portrait of my arms looped around Hollis’s shoulders as we faced each other and her head tilted so she gazed up at me. Her hair was windswept and pink kissed her cheeks and nose and lips. She looked beautiful.

  But this is what she’d posted? I scrolled through her feed, looking for something, anything, that mentioned me or my gram and nothing did. It was…blank. Navy had reposted Gram’s obituary, but Hollis had done nothing.

  “Why are you making that face?”

  I glared at Sarah. She was always trying to bury her nose into my shit. “Can you mind your own business for even five minutes?”

  “Nope.” The chair creaked as she leaned over, looking over my shoulder at the phone. “Is that Hollis?” At my look, she held up her hands in surrender. “Dude, I’ve seen her all over your feed lately—she’s pretty recognizable.”

  “I’m not talking to you about this.”

  “Why? Because I’m your ex-girlfriend?”

  “No, because you’re my friend, about to be ex-friend if you don’t butt out.”

  “Geez.” She whistled and lit another cigarette. “I get it, you’re sad right now. But you’ve obviously got a lot of shit on your mind. You can dump it onto my lap if you want.”

  “If I wanted to, I’d have done it. I don’t want to, so stop picking my brain, thanks.” I glanced once more at Hollis’s photo before closing my phone and putting it back into my pocket. I stared into the forest, watching the old pines in the back of the property sway to and fro in the light wind.

  “Is it because I’m a girl? Is that why you can’t talk to me?”

  “It’s because I don’t want to talk about it, okay?”

  “Man, she’s got you up in knots.” Sarah chuckled, ignoring every pissed off look I leveled at her. “I’d like to meet her.”

  “No, you wouldn’t.” But there was no conviction in my voice. Sarah probably would actually like Hollis. Though, personality-wise, they were polar opposites, they were both driven and steadfast.

  I ground my teeth together and grabbed a second cigarette. I needed to space these out more if I wanted to have any left by tomorrow. I knew that if I burned through all my cigarettes before then, I wouldn’t be able to get my shit together enough to do what needed to be done. I wanted to give myself more time to wallow, more time to sit outside alone with my thoughts. That is, if Sarah would leave me alone. Bobby spent most of his time at the hotel they were staying at in town so he could work remotely, leaving Sarah to bum around at my house.

  I didn’t want to be that asshole who compared women, but it was impossible not to. Whatever fond feelings I had held for Sarah, the timing of her visit had proved that those feelings resided firmly in the friendly category. Because when I looked at her, there was nothing. No instant fire, not even a spark.

  When I looked at Hollis on the other hand, it was as if every atom of my body was fine-tuned to hers. Like every system that kept my legs moving and my heart beating and my lungs taking in oxygen worked in time just to bring me to her. It was a big feeling to have, a feeling that I couldn’t escape. I had never felt anything like that with Sarah or anyone else. Hollis was big and scary feelings, and right now, and in the midst of my other feelings, the ones for her were inconvenient.

  She’d texted me, asking how I was. And before I’d logged into my social media, I was tempted to reply. I wanted her here, even if just to look at her. But the fact that she hadn’t posted anything remotely about my grandmother burred under my skin. And because I’d already approached that slippery slope of second-guessing everything, it was easy for me to wonder if this still wasn’t real for her.

  What had transpired between us over the last week had been anything but fake, for me. We’d completely failed at being fake, sliding into a groove together that felt natural and not forced. Had her dad really gotten under her skin? I remembered what her friends said on the hike. It took a week for her to tell me you guys had kissed.

  Was she embarrassed by me? I hadn’t wondered it at the time when her dad had said it, but her being silent on social media—where everyone could see—and only communicating with me privately was reminiscent of that stupid fucking high school party. I hated harping on it, but it was the only way I had known her before the last few weeks. Had this just been her pretending all over again?

  The rational part of me was telling me to shut the fuck up. But when you were already hurting, it was easy to distract yourself with other ways to self-destruct.

  “Jesus Christ,” Sarah said, blowing smoke out of the side of her mouth. “Are you just going to keep moping or talk about things?”

  “I didn’t ask you to come here.”

  “No, you didn’t. Because you don’t like to lean on anyone. Adam can do it, Adam will do it. That’s your attitude. It’s okay to lean, you know. We can keep you standing.”

  “I don’t need you here.” If I thought about it, I might feel bad for speaking so bluntly to Sarah. But everything I said was true.

  “Okay. I’m going to go on a little walk then.”

  “It’s three-o-clock in the afternoon,” I said.

  “Yeah. It’s three. People go on walks at three. And four. And five. Do you know what people also do from time to time? Shower. Maybe you could work on that while I’m gone.”

  I scoffed at her turning back. The silence would be a nice reprieve.

  “Adam,” Casey said from the doorway.

  Fuck. I turned, the cigarette hanging out of my mouth. I knew Casey hated them. “What’s up?” I tried to muster up some kind of feeling in my voice for her, because I knew what a lousy brother I’d been the last few days.

  “Hollis is here. Are you going to talk to her or…”

  “Seriously?” I said to no one, stubbing out the cigarette angrily.

  “Hey.” Her voice was soft. I didn’t want to look at her, not after the bullshit on social media. I didn’t want to look at her and ache, because I knew I would. I’d had enough to last me through this week, this month, hell, this lifetime.

  “What’s going on?” I asked, staring into the trees. I was glad Sarah wasn’t here for this, because the last thing I needed was someone to yell at me for bad manners or whatever.

  “I’ve been messaging you. But I understand if you need space to griev
e. I’m so sorry. I didn’t say it enough on the drive home.” Her shadow loomed from behind me, casting out in front of me, getting smaller and smaller as she got closer.

  I snapped the cover to my cigarette carton. “Yeah, I saw. Been busy.”

  “I know. And I don’t want you to feel obligated to reply or anything.”

  “I don’t.”

  She was silent for a moment. “Okay.” It was two syllables, but the hurt in them slid through my own defenses.

  Fuck. Shit. Balls.

  I turned, looking at her for the first time in a few days. Taking her in, I realized that those days had felt like weeks. I resented that I had such an immediate reaction, that I wanted her more than I had the last time I saw her. She wore jeans and a sweater, looking as casual as she had up in the mountains. I liked that she hadn’t fussed with her appearance.

  I shook my head to rid myself of any thoughts about things I liked about her. “Why are you here, Hollis?”

  Her mouth opened and her eyebrows drew together before she snapped her mouth shut again.

  “Speaking of obligations,” I said when she didn’t answer me. “I saw you didn’t feel obligated to post anything on Facebook. I mean, besides the photo of us. Nice.”

  “What?”

  “Is this whole ruse over and done with? Is that what’s going on? Did your mom and dad give in and give you what you wanted?”

  “No…I…”

  “And now you’re done with me—at least the parts that don’t fit your aesthetic.”

  “What are you even talking about?”

  I stood, not wanting to stay seated when my body was burning up as much as it was. “You were the one so intent on getting photos up on Facebook, so everyone could see how coupled up we are. But the moment real life strikes—like Gram fucking dying—that doesn’t fit into your neat and tidy life, right?”

  “Whoa.” She held up her hands—in surrender or to calm me down, I couldn’t tell. Maybe both. “First of all, I texted you. I tried calling a couple times. But your lack of response made me believe you didn’t want me to keep bugging you.”

  “Right, it’s easy for you to talk to me in private. But it’s not easy for you to post about me on your feed unless it helps you out in some way, right? Nice timing, by the way, with those photos from the weekend.”

  “I didn’t post those. Tori did. And she tagged me.”

  “Oh. Tori did that? I guess that checks out. In fact, I don’t think you’ve posted one single thing with us together. Everyone else has, though.”

  “I don’t understand why you’re so upset with me. Because I didn’t post something about your grandmother on my Facebook, Adam? Really?”

  “You didn’t tell your friends we’d even kissed, for a week. Admit it—you’re embarrassed by me.”

  Her mouth made an O. “Are you serious right now?”

  “Dead serious.” I wanted another cigarette, but my dwindling pack stopped me. “I don’t know why you even came.”

  “Neither do I.” Her eyes glistened. “We’ve talked about this, Adam. I don’t put things that matter up for public consumption. It’s just social media; it doesn’t matter.”

  “It did when we were trying to prove we were dating.”

  “It was fake. None of it was real.”

  “So you couldn’t fake care about my gram? Or me?”

  “No. I couldn’t. Because I did care. I cared about your gram. I cared about your sister. I cared about you. I still care, Adam. More than I want to.”

  I held up my hands. “Please, don’t care about me if it inconveniences you. You just don’t want your parents to see. Because they were right, you’re embarrassed. Just like you were back in high school.”

  “I was never embarrassed by you in high school. I was shy. Why do you think I slipped you that note? Why do you think I never spoke to you until that party?”

  Here we go. That night was coming to the surface, finally. “That fucking party. When you told me you weren’t like the rest of them. But then when that asshole laid into me, you stayed silent. You didn’t use your voice.”

  “You had abandoned me, while I was soaked in beer and freezing.”

  “I didn’t abandon you. I went into the house to get Tori.”

  “And then got distracted by another girl on the stairs.”

  I squinted, remembering Kate cornering me. “I wasn’t distracted by her. Not in the way you mean.”

  “She was showing you her rose tattoo.”

  “Yeah, so?”

  “That’s why I thought you were a bad boy. That’s why it was hard for me to believe you’d ever been sincerely interested in me. Because the moment another girl snagged your attention, you’d forgotten all about me.”

  That’s why she’d stayed silent when the dickheads started ragging on me? “You were jealous?”

  “Yes. Of course I was, Adam. I liked you. A lot. You know that now. But mostly, I was freezing and wanted to go home.”

  “But I found Tori and Keane, sent them after you.”

  She blinked, those wide eyes going soft for a moment, like that was a fact she hadn’t been made aware of until now. “And then you forgot about me. Or, I thought you had forgotten about me.”

  “I didn’t forget about you. I got sidelined on my way down the stairs. And then people swarmed. When I looked up and saw you, you didn’t do anything. After we’d talked about my opinion of you, and you’d tried to tell me you were your own person, not just another person in the crowd. But when it mattered, you just shrank away.”

  She was quiet for a moment, her hands locked together in front of her. “I should have said something. I probably wouldn’t have been able to stop them, but maybe if I had stood up for you they might’ve let it go. But let me be clear, Adam. I have never been embarrassed by you.” She hugged her middle. “When you and I started dating, I was giddy. When I say I had a crush on you, I mean just you.” She looked off to the side and the light from the citronella candle glittered in her eye. “I texted you, because I am a private person. That’s why I leave little sticky notes for people. I don’t need people online to see my feelings for anyone else. That’s why I never put up my time from Bolivia on social media. I don’t care what anyone else thinks about what matters to me. I don’t tell anyone what matters unless I care about them.” She bit her lip. “And I care about you. I do. I’m sorry you think I don’t.”

  I didn’t know how to respond to that. She’d taken the wind out of my sails, and any bit of anger I had harbored for her evaporated.

  “You told me I didn’t use my voice in high school; that my silence was me being complicit in what they did to you. And you know what, you’re right. I didn’t do right by you at that party, or after. After high school, I spent most of my summers in other countries. Using my voice, my time, my energy to do the things that mattered to me. Social media has never mattered to me. It’s for everyone else—which is why it was important to have evidence of us being together on there. But then, at least for me, I got confused where fake us ended and real us began.”

  Squaring her shoulders, she took a deep breath and looked back at me. Her eyes were warm, her body language was open. “I didn’t tell everyone about kissing you because it was private. It meant something to me. Tori is my best friend, but I don’t confide my feelings to her until I’m ready to discuss them. I’m certainly not going to confide my feelings to a social media network made up of people who view the most important moments of my life as disposable content.”

  She had told me this before. Her feeds contained benign posts, photos of her favorite diet soda, her favorite muffins from her favorite bakery. It was nice, but it wasn’t deep enough to break the surface, to really know Hollis.

  I finally realized what a petty mother fucker I was, to get mad at her over fucking social media bullshit. I had been hurting and had decided that hurting Hollis was my only outlet.

  “I don’t like bringing this up, especially now. But I hope you understand t
hat sex is something I don’t do with just anyone. And if I was embarrassed by you, that night wouldn’t have happened. I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt that you don’t really think I’m embarrassed by you, especially after what happened. I’m not familiar with the kind of grief you’re experiencing, but I imagine that it’s the reason you’re acting like this. I’m sorry you’re hurting, Adam, I really am. But you don’t get to take it out on me unless I deserve it. And I know enough to know that I don’t, not right now.”

  I really needed that cigarette. I knew I should apologize, to admit how wrong I was. I picked up the cigarette pack and shook it. When I turned around, Hollis was gone.

  42

  Hollis

  Casey sat across from me, chewing a mouthful of burger as she made moaning sounds. “This is so good.”

  I smiled, but my burger sat before me untouched. “Here,” I said, pushing it toward her. “I’m not hungry.”

  And I wasn’t. After leaving Adam’s house, I had gone home and hopped online, checking out the photos Tori had posted of Adam and me and our hike and oh, how I had ached. The photos themselves were frame-worthy, with the beautiful peaks behind us and our pink ears and noses and big, big smiles. Sincere smiles. They stood in stark contrast to any photo of myself in my parents’ house—I looked free and happy in the ones Tori had taken. It felt like a lifetime ago, really, two entirely different people existed in those photos. And those photos had set Adam off. How could he doubt the sincerity of our expressions in these photos?

  I tried to hide that my talk with him was bothering me. I had taken Casey out for her, not for me. And I would make sure our dinner was an Adam-less time.

  “It’s been casseroles or cereal and I’m super over it.” She took a long sip of soda and sat back in the booth, her eyes the lightest I’d seen since I’d arrived at her house earlier that day.

  “I can imagine,” I said. “Day in and day out, that’d get old really fast.”

  “It is. Adam’s not cooking and Caleb’s hopeless in the kitchen. He’s burnt every piece of toast he’s made. Some doctor he’s gonna be.”