Matt pulled his hand back. “Okay,” he said. “No, it’s okay. I’m sorry. I get it.”
“No, you don’t. Let me explain.” Sawyer stepped closer, reaching out and taking Matt’s hand in his. “I like you, Matt. I mean, I really like you. Anyone else, I’d have asked them out a month ago, maybe two. You’re smart, funny, kind. You love your family.” His smile faltered. “I could fall hard for you. Maybe…” Sawyer bit his lip again. “But I know you’ve got your plans and I know how important they are to you… and I just don’t think I fit in them. I would worry every day that I’d end up embarrassing you somehow, that you’d find out that you and me, us being together, would mess up all of your plans, and you hate me for holding you back. That I might not be enough.”
“I would never hate you.” But Matt wondered how much of what Sawyer said was true. Could Matt make space in his life for someone without resenting the time they took away from his plans?
“I hope not,” Sawyer told him. “Believe it or not, I’ve thought about this a lot, you and me. What it would be like and for what it’s worth, I think we could have been great together.”
“Wait, Sawyer.” Matt shook his head as all the air left his lungs. He felt like someone had punched him. “You think you’d embarrass me?”
“It’s like I said. I just showed up at a bad time. You’ve got a lot going on right now, Matt, and I don’t think there’s any room left in there for me.” Leaning in close, Sawyer kissed his cheek. “Merry Christmas, Mateo.”
Matt stood speechless. Stepping back from Sawyer’s truck, he held on to his gift and watched Sawyer drive away.
Embarrassed? Was that what Sawyer thought? Matt wasn’t embarrassed about his life or his choices. He didn’t point out his differences, but that didn’t mean it embarrassed him. Sawyer didn’t understand. Or maybe…
Maybe he just didn’t want to be with him. “Well, that hurt,” he said to himself, looking down at the gift bag. He walked to his truck and set the gift in the passenger seat. But instead of heading back inside and saying goodbye to everyone, he slid into the driver’s seat.
Going back to the party was forgotten. Drinking with the coaches was forgotten. Matt pulled out of the parking lot and drove in the opposite direction of Sawyer, heading toward his house.
It was a long time before he fell asleep that night.
Matt didn’t decorate his house much for Christmas, other than a garland wreath on his door that he bought each year from the high school band boosters, and some grocery store poinsettias for the kitchen table. He spent most of his holiday break at the ranch, so it never seemed important to buy a Christmas tree at his house, just for him. But Elena still put up a big tree each year, so he went over to help her set it all up, watching as she pulled old ornaments out of a plastic container, and hung them with care, telling him the same stories each year about where each one came from.
If Matt was quieter than normal, she didn’t mention it, but when they finished decorating she hugged him tight, a little longer than normal, and kissed his cheek. “I love you, Mijo.”
Later that evening, Matt found her in the dining room, working on one of her jigsaw puzzles. This one was in the beginning stages of construction, just the edges and corner pieces connected. “What’s this supposed to be?” Matt picked up the front of the puzzle box and saw a white sand beach, palm trees swaying over a turquoise ocean. “Looks like Hawaii,” he said, sitting down next to her. “At least that’s what it looks like on tv.”
“I don’t know, I just thought it was pretty.” Elena peered into the box with all the pieces. She began pulling out all the blue pieces, then handed the box to Matt. “Give me all the blue ones you can find. Set them here.” She patted an empty spot on the table.
He smiled at how seriously she took this and then obeyed her directive. “How are you and Grandpa doing?”
“We’re fine, Mateo. Your grandpa’s allergies have been bothering him, but we both went to the doctor last week and he said we’re both good.” She looked up from her puzzle and looked at him. “And you? Are you okay? Sabrina said you had the flu a few weeks ago.”
“I think it was just a stomach bug,” he said, setting all the blue pieces picture side up on the table. “I think this is all of them.” He watched as she arranged them, not by the various shades of blue but by shape, using the pattern of the water as a guide. Matt watched her process, picking up a piece and trying out all the possible interlocking possibilities, setting them down one after another. “You’re not even looking to see if they match.”
She laughed. “It’s not about the picture, Mijo. It’s about the fit. I can tell if they fit together, just by the feel.” Smiling as she found a match, she set them down and picked up another puzzle piece and began the process again. “The picture will sometimes deceive you, all those minor details mixing you up. But the way it feels, the way they snap together. That will never let you down.” Giving a little giggle, she set down another pair. “See?”
“I guess you’ve got it down, Grandma.”
She glanced over at him. “What’s going on with you? You sound tired, Mijo.”
“Nothing.” Matt kept his eyes focused on the puzzle. “Just been a busy year.”
“And your friend?” she asked, looking up again. “I thought we might see him for Christmas.”
Matt shook his head. “I think he’s leaving town soon.”
Elena’s face showed her disappointment. “That’s a shame. He seemed like a good man.”
“The best,” Matt agreed. Elena gave him a pointed look but said nothing as they worked on the puzzle in silence.
Matt headed toward the kitchen to get something to drink when he spotted Sabrina sitting on the floor of the living room, gift bags and wrapping paper around her as she watched an old holiday movie on the television. “You look like an elf,” he told her, finding a stray bow on the floor and setting it on her head as he walked by.
She wrinkled her nose. “You look like a scrooge. Did you need some little envelopes for your gift cards or are you just going to hand them out to everyone again like last year? Or just skip the middleman and give everyone a couple twenties?”
“Many people appreciate being able to pick out their own gifts.” Matt walked into the kitchen and pulled out a soft drink. “Want something?” he called out to her.
“Yeah, surprise me.” He grabbed two orange sodas and closed the fridge. He headed back into the living room and set it down on the table next to her, sitting down. “What did you get me?”
“A gift card.” She winked at him, ticking his leg. Then a warm smile fell over her face. “So, do I need to get a little something for Sawyer? I hope he’ll be joining us for Christmas.”
Matt shook his head, glancing over at the television. “No, he won’t.”
Her face fell. “Oh, no. Does he have other plans?”
Matt shrugged. “I don’t know. How would I know what he’s doing?”
Sabrina’s face shifted from exasperation to confusion. “What do you mean? I thought you two were friends.”
“Well, we’re not that kind of friends.”
She blinked. “Why not?” she asked. “He’s a sweet guy, Matt. You could do a lot worse.”
“Sorry to disappoint you, but it’s not like that. We’re just friends,” he repeated. “We’re not even that close.”
Her face shifted to confusion. “But you could be. C’mon, he liked you, I could tell. You could be more.”
“No, we couldn’t,” Matt answered, his voice tight.
“But how will you know if you don’t -”
“Because I did.” Matt snapped, turning and looking at her. “I asked him out. He said no.”
Sabrina’s face fell, and the room silent for a long moment. “Oh God, I’m so sorry, Matt. I thought...”
He shrugged, taking a sip from his drink. “Me too. I mean, I know he does like me. But he told me it wouldn’t work out. He said that I’m too...” Matt paused, shaking his
head. “He thinks that I’d end up embarrassed by being with him, that a relationship would interfere with all my plans.”
“Wait.” Sabrina turned her body toward him. “Tell me exactly what happened.” Matt started looking out the window, so she shook his leg. “I want to hear about this,” she added, shifting to sit on the sofa next to him. “Matty. Talk to me.”
Matt didn’t want to talk about it, and yet somehow, he found himself telling her all about Sawyer. He told her about the day they met, and his irritation about having to do all this extra work. He told her how they would get to work early so that Matt could teach him the math that Sawyer would teach that day, and how they made cupcakes together one night. He told her about their camping down by the river, how he’d shared his feelings about growing up in Estrella, all the shit that went down with their mom, and how he felt when he had to give up the engineering program. Finally, he told her about Sawyer’s Christmas gift to him, and how he asked him out, and how Sawyer told him no.
Sabrina listened to all of this, her face showing her disappointment. She shook her head. “Oh, Matt. He wants to be with you.”
“Not enough,” Matt answered. “And let’s be honest, he’s right. I’m not ready for any sort of actual relationship.”
“That’s bullshit. Matt, you’re an amazing man, and anyone would be lucky to have you in their lives. Sawyer knows that.” She reached over, squeezing his leg. “I just don’t think that you know that.”
Christmas day came, the four of them spending it together much the same as they had for many years. Everyone laughed when Matt passed out his gift cards. Sabrina gave him a new game for his Playstation, and his grandparents gave him clothes and a new lawnmower for his house. Hector wore his old Santa hat and pulled out a small jeweler’s box for Elena out of his pocket. “Our fiftieth Christmas together, Querida,” he said, and Matt saw her open it and pull out a thick gold chain.
“Hector,” she said, then leaned over and kissed him, putting it around her neck. “Te amo, mi corazon,” she said, her hand cupping his cheek.
Sabrina glanced at Matt, and he wondered if she was thinking the same thing as he was - how lucky these two people had been to find each other, to spend a lifetime loving each other.
And - how sad it was that they hadn’t found the same.
It was a quiet Christmas evening. Matt took out the trash after they ate and looked up at the sky. He’d considered going camping. It had been fun when he and Sawyer went out on Thanksgiving, and it hadn’t been a particularly cold Christmas day. But the wind picked up throughout the day, and now he changed his mind. Instead, Matt went for a long walk early the next morning, out to the spot where they’d camped, and sat on a long, flat rock, watching the sun coming up over the trees.
The sound of water and snapping twigs caught his attention. Matt looked up and saw a buck crossing the river, not fifty feet away. A big guy, twelve points from what Matt could see, as he lifted his phone and took a quick picture.
Sawyer would love this, he thought, and began texting him when he remembered - they weren’t together. They weren’t even friends, he guessed, since he had heard nothing from Sawyer since that night a week ago.
He closed his phone. He could text it to Sabrina. His grandfather would like it. Cora might think it was interesting. Hell, Clint would be green with envy if he knew Matt got that close.
Matt had friends, lots of friends. He wasn’t lonely. Was he alone, yeah, maybe, but it was still a good life. He had a job and his family and plans for the future and…
Matt snorted. His plans, that’s what Sawyer had said. No time for anyone else because of ‘his plans.’ Was he right? Was Matt destined to end up successful and yet alone in the end? Sawyer hadn’t been wrong when he wondered why Matt didn’t have his picket fence yet. There was a part of him that wanted that, someone to love, maybe a couple kids. Someday.
But increasingly, every time he looked at his grandparents, it reminded him not only of their amazing love, but the glaring realization that he didn’t have that and at this rate, he never would. If he found someone tomorrow, the chances of spending fifty years with them were slim.
Why was he doing all of this if there wasn’t anyone to share it with?
Every day for a week, Matt had this conversation with himself. Every night, he went to bed wondering how Sawyer was doing. What Sawyer was doing. If Sawyer might be someone special.
How would Matt ever know if he didn’t try?
Sabrina had plans in town for New Year’s Eve with friends. “Come with me,” she told Matt as she wrapped a scarf around her neck. “It’s going to be very chill, just some board games and shots.” He appreciated the offer, but after a week of asking himself those deep questions, he’d decided that this was the night.
If you couldn’t offer your heart to someone on New Year’s Eve, then when?
Can we talk?
Yeah. I’m home.
On my way.
From the highway Matt saw Sawyer’s blue truck parked next to his RV. Taking a deep breath, he pulled into the trailer park and drove toward Sawyer’s RV. He smiled, seeing strands of multicolored Christmas lights hanging from several of the RVs, including Sawyer’s. Suddenly Matt was mad at himself for wasting these past weeks, not being in Sawyer’s life.
He parked next to Sawyer’s truck. It was clear and cold, so he zipped up his jacket as he stepped out of the truck. The light was on inside Sawyer’s trailer, but no one answered when he knocked.
Shit. Matt turned around, looking to see if maybe Sawyer was outside when he saw him walking back toward the Airstream, a bright yellow knit hat on his head, holding a leash and walking Biscuit, wearing a matching yellow harness. “Hey.”
“Hey.” Matt felt his heart pounding in his chest. “Sorry to bother you so late.”
“No, it’s good. I just- they needed some help.” Sawyer pointed at a group of people standing around a barbecue grill. Turning back to Matt, he grinned. “Happy New Year.”
“You too.” Matt could hear fireworks going off on the other side of the RV park, kids running by with sparklers in their hands. “Can we talk?”
“Yeah.” Sawyer opened the door and let Biscuit back inside the trailer. “Um, you want to talk inside? Is it too cold out here?”
“I’m okay.” Matt nodded, rubbing his hands together. “It’s just...” All his words, his prepared speech began slipping through his fingers. “Sometimes I come off as an ass, I know that. I’m not the most charming guy, and I let my goals run my life when I should let people in. Letting you in.”
Sawyer shook his head. “You shouldn’t change who you are for anyone.”
“But… that’s not true.” Matt took a deep breath, his lungs filling with the cold air. “I absolutely should change when I’m wrong, and according to everyone I know, I’m wrong. I’m ruining my life not being with you. Not touching you and kissing you and waking up next to you. None of these plans are worth it if I let you walk away from me like that again. We gotta give it a chance,” Matt said. “What if… what if this is it?”
Sawyer stared at him, bright blue eyes wide as more fireworks began shooting off, the park lighting up with bright colorful displays. “This can’t be about what your friends want, or what your family wants. What do you want, Matt?” His breath condensed in the cold.
He was fucking this up. “Sawyer.” Matt licked his lips. “Nothing felts right since you said what you said.”
Matt-
“No, not like that. You were right. I’ve got this plan in my head, but there’s a big hole in the middle and that’s where you belong. I can change, Sawyer. You’re worth making the change.” Sawyer didn’t look any happier. “It’s a new year, a perfect time to start over. Please let me start all this over with you. That’s what I want.” One hand reached up and rested on Sawyer’s chest. “Nothing means more to me right now than making you happy. Please give me that chance.”
Sawyer’s mouth turned up, a slow smile that made it
to his eyes. “Are you sure this is worth it?”
Matt reached for Sawyer’s hands, tugging him closer. “I’ve never been more sure of anything.”
Sawyer’s smile widened. “Didn’t peg you for the corny type, Ruiz,” he said, tilting his head closer to Matt’s face.
“I’m full of surprises.” In all the time they’d known each other, they had never been this close. Matt saw little freckles on Sawyer’s cheeks, flecks of gold in his blue eyes, framed by dark golden lashes. A man’s face, not beautiful or porcelain, but a man with his hard edges and stubbled skin. One hand slid up and cupped Sawyer’s rough cheek. “Happy New Year.”
Sawyer smiled at him, wrapping his arms around Matt. “Happy New Year.”
Matt tilted his head up and they kissed, the barest brush of their lips that set his nerves on fire. They kissed again, soft and tender. “Can we go inside?”
“Yeah.” Sawyer took Matt’s hands and guided him into the RV. The door closed behind them and then Sawyer’s arms wrapped around him, and he closed his eyes as Sawyer kissed his neck.
Matt groaned. Sawyer pulled back, kissing Matt’s forehead. Matt noticed some slight changes to the RV since the last time he’d been here. He saw a small Christmas tree and some decorations, and a new rug in the kitchen area. Biscuit was curled up in a ball on the sofa. She opened her eyes when they entered the trailer, wagging her tail when she saw them, and then went back to sleep.
Sawyer took off his jacket and tossed it on the sofa. "Sorry, it's kinda cold in here. I've got a heater over there," he said, pointing at his bed.
Now it was Matt's turn to grin. "That's a hell of a pick up line. Hey, are you cold? It's warm over by my bed." He stood close to Sawyer. “Does it usually work?”
Life, Love, and Other Inequalities Page 10