He was confusing the shit out of me.
"There've been nights I haven't had the nightmares and shit." Taking a long sip of my coffee, I set the chilled liquid back onto the table.
"Uh huh, and what was different about those nights?" He sipped at his mug.
He already knew. His expression gave him away. He just wanted me to say it, to talk. This is why I hate this shit, all the fucking games.
"I know you already know all this shit." Frustrated, I threw my head back on the chair again.
"Of course I've been informed by outsiders, but I want to know from you. You're the one that matters." He sat forward again. I raised my head, looking at him.
"Mia," was all I answered.
"And this is the same girl that got you to calm down during your 'acting out'?"
I nodded, refusing to answer aloud or even look at him. The next question was obvious, but the answer wasn't.
"Any idea what it is about her that causes this?"
I'd been trying to figure that shit out since the first night. It annoyed me not to understand why she gave me the ability to sleep. His question annoyed me more.
"If I fucking knew then I wouldn't be talking to you now would I?" I rolled my eyes. "Are we almost done yet? I need to get ready for the bus." Roughly climbing out of the chair and taking my coffee to the sink, I poured the cold black liquid down the drain.
"If you want to be finished then we can be, but I think you're doing great. It's your call." He followed me to my bedroom and stopped. Leaning on the doorframe, he continued. "Can I ask a personal question?"
"Sure." I started throwing piles of clothing into random bags. Dirty or clean, it didn't matter to me.
"Does Mia look like your mother?" My head snapped to him.
"What the fuck? You think that I think she is my….that she is her?" Anger boiled in the pit of my stomach.
"No, but it's common to be drawn to someone similar to a person you lost so tragically." He shrugged like it was no big fucking deal.
"NO! She doesn't." I went back to packing my bags.
"Okay." Dr. J put his hands up in surrendered. "How do you feel when you're around her?"
Rolling my head around, I tried to relieve the building tension in my neck and shoulders.
"I don't know, calm."
"I think I was told that you two don't get along. Is that the case?"
"Yes…No…sort of." I sat on the bed. "Look, I was trying to get rid of their group, because I didn't want them on the tour; however, after some things I found that if she was with me when I slept it didn't happen."
"Are you willing to tell me exactly what happened, when you discovered this?" Dr. J entered the room further and sat on the bed next to me.
Starting with the morning argument, I told him what happened that night on the tour bus. The night I discovered that Mia was more powerful than any pill or drink. She was calming, comforting, and…fuck, she just worked. He didn't say a word when I finished.
"Well?" I barked.
"Well what?"
"You fucking know what!"
Now he was just trying to piss me off.
"I'm not sure why she has this influence on you, but you should probably avoid using her to keep the nightmares away. You shouldn't continue to sleep next to her."
"Wha…Why?" Panic filled my chest. Bile pooled at the base of my throat.
"It would just be another addiction. You need to deal with everything and learn to sleep on your own."
"But nothing works! Nothing!" I'd started shouting, but he was unfazed. "Only her." My voice had changed to pleading.
He looked at me apologetically. "I understand you feel that way –"
"Feel that way? Are you kidding? It's not that I feel that way, its fucking fact, Doc!" Throwing my clothes into bags again, I looked away from him.
"What I'm trying to say is that there is something else that will help." He paused and so did I.
I didn't look at him. He was going where I didn't want to go.
"You need to talk about it." I was about to interrupt him, but he put up a finger, "let me finish." He sighed and walked up next to me.
"Even if it's not me you tell or talk to, you need to talk about it. Let it out Christopher, let it go. You won't lose anything but the nightmare."
"It's not that easy," I growled, looking ahead at nothing.
"I know it's not, but it's what will help you." He started to walk away. "I actually think you may have made some progress today, but only time will tell if you continue."
Moving my eyes from nothing to him, he smiled.
"I think that's enough for now, we'll talk again another day, okay?"
He got a silent nod.
"Have a safe trip."
After the click of the door shutting, I sat back down on my bed. Doctor J must be crazy because I don't feel as if there was any progress made, not at all. In fact, I feel like shit. Eventually I fell asleep and woke up in a cold sweat.
Not sleeping next to Mia shouldn't be too difficult since she kicked me out of her room. But what if she isn't the only one who can keep them away. Maybe I just need someone in bed with me and I could completely pull that off. Besides, there was also the pressing fact that I really needed to get laid.
She's not the only fucking girl on this tour. I can definitely get someone else willing to climb into my bed.
* * * * *
By the time we got to the stage, everything felt right again. I didn't let the argument with Christopher bother me anymore and took heart in the fact that I hadn't seen him since. He hadn't shown up at my door and though I was better off not dealing with it, I was still finding it difficult for me to fall asleep. I was so used to someone being in bed with me I contemplated making Serena sleep with me at night. Deep down I knew it wouldn't be the same, but I found myself quickly denying those thoughts.
We were heading back to the tour buses today and were on our way down to load up. Knowing there was a very large possibility I would run into Christopher, I took a deep breath when I stepped out of the elevator.
Lucky for me, I made it to our bus with nothing more than cameras and fans crowding around. After climbing onto the bus's couch, I pulled out my guitar and notebook. I prepared to do some song writing during part of the trip. Laney plopped herself near me and Kat and Serena sat with us as well.
"So what are you going to play for us?" Laney leaned her head back on the couch.
"Oh I know…do a remix" Kat situated herself in the large chair by the door.
"A remix of what?" We often did stupid little remixes of old songs to pass time.
"Wait!" Serena jumped up, rummaging through some of her bags. "Ah hah! Let's use the shuffle!" I shook my head.
She was beginning the shuffle when Jimmy and Jackson climbed onto the bus.
"What are ya'll up to?" Jackson looked around the bus.
Laney's face lit up. I couldn't hide my smile.
"Oh we're just preparing for some travel games." Laney chirped with bright eyes.
"Travel games?" Jimmy raised an eyebrow in distaste. He lifted Kat up and sat her on his lap. "Oh by the way we are crashing on you guys." He smirked.
"I kind of gathered that," I rolled my eyes at him.
"Okay, well don't let us interrupt. Continue." Jackson squeezed in between Laney and Serena putting arms around both of them. I raised an eyebrow at him and he gave the biggest shit-eating grin I'd ever seen.
"Hands off my woman fucker!" Elliott's boisterous voice accentuated with his heavy footsteps. Lunging forward, he grabbed Serena by her arm and put her over his shoulder.
"Elliott! Put. Me. Down. Now. You Neanderthal!" Serena slapped him on the back.
"Oh, I planned on it," he plopped them down onto a bunk and wrapped his arm around her waist. She pushed up and sat Indian style. Shaking her head at him, she smacked his arm. He smiled up to her with complete adoration. A small twinge of jealous passed through me. He truly adored her. It was amazing how attach
ed he is. Christopher wasn't the only one of The Forgotten with a reputation.
"No nasty stuff! That's my bunk." Laney shouted at them.
"Oh really," Elliott questioned with an evil glint in his eye. He pulled Serena onto her back and started planting loud wet kisses on her. Serena started laughing and yelling for him to stop. She was enjoying it. If she weren’t then he would be sporting a fat lip and sore balls right about now.
"Don't you dare, Elliott!" Laney stood to go after him.
"Get your girl!" Elliott yelled.
Jackson grabbed Laney's waist and set her back down on the couch. She fought against him, but I knew Laney. If she wanted up, she could get up. Tiny meant nothing to that evil little woman. Fact was Laney was enjoying Jackson's grabby hands.
Kat, Jimmy, and I laughed at Laney while she yelled at Jackson. She even put on the pout face, which made me laugh harder.
"Okay are we doing this remix thing or not?" Jimmy shouted kicking his feet out in front of him and lounging the chair back, pulling Kat back with him. She squeaked at the sudden movement.
"Serena?" I shouted to the back of the bus.
The bus shifted again. The top of his blue-black hair appeared before I saw his face. My insides twisted and I put my head down, hiding my face in my hair.
"Hey man, you actually joining us?" Jackson sounded astounded.
"Um…no, Nicholas told me to come get you. He wants to talk to you before we take off."
The weight of his eyes almost made me look up, but I didn't. If I did, I wasn't sure what would happen and I didn't want to find out.
"Okay, but seriously you should hang. We're all going to be over here." Jackson patted Chris on the back on the way out the door.
"Come on," Laney patted the seat next to her. It was between her and me. Looking up at her with wide eyes, she caught my look and gave me an apologetic expression.
"No, I'll just –"
"Dude, get your Emo ass in here and sit down." Elliott yelled from the back. "Don't be a pussy."
"Fuck you, Elliott!" He glared. I dropped my eyes quickly before he realized I was watching him—again.
"You should sit down we're about to pull out." Jackson stepped back onto the bus.
Sitting between Laney and me, the bus shifted into gear. Laney stood, grabbing Christopher's arm. He cringed at her forwardness but allowed her to pull him down.
"So where were we?" Jackson wrapped an arm around Laney, leaning back on the couch. The bus pulled away from the hotel.
"We're still waiting…" I sang.
"I've got it," Serena shouted. "Beat It, Michael Jackson."
Kat and Laney giggled. Laney grabbed her guitar too. Kat stood up and grabbed beers, passing them out.
"Okay, here we go."
Laney took the solo part, but we both were singing. Elliott joined. Everyone was starting to get into it and singing. I think I even saw Christopher smile at least once, though he didn't participate. We did a few more songs and then Laney wanted to play another time waster – iPod name that song. This objective was to be the first to name the song playing.
After putting the guitars away, Laney grabbed a couple of iPods and linked them up to the stereo on the bus. Everyone got comfortable and waited for Laney to start playing songs.
"You're going down, Mia!" Serena shouted.
"Hah! You wish you could beat me," I laughed back. "I'm so awesome you can't even come close to my greatness."
"Yeah right, bitch!" She laughed. "I have Elliott back here for help too," she laughed.
"Damn straight babe!" Elliott shouted. The distinctive sound of hands slapping a high five carried to the front of the bus.
"Whatever, you're still going down."
"Besides Mia has my help." Jackson shouted. We high-fived.
"Okay, shut up!" Laney yelled. "Get ready. Set. Go." She started the song.
We started shouting out answers one right after the next and Laney was keeping score. Christopher even mumbled a couple of answers. The sound of his voice causing emotions and reactions I didn't want to have.
After about an hour of guess the song, we stopped to get something to eat. Laney went straight into the restaurant, Jackson close to her side. Smiling, I watched them enter together talking. It was also amusing to see this nearly seven-foot tall guy next to a five foot three girl who didn't weigh more than a hundred and ten pounds. Kat and Jimmy walked side by side, but seemed more on friendly terms than anything. They were debating German car engineering. Elliott and Serena on the other hand were like newlyweds. He couldn't keep his hands or eyes off her. His arm was tightly around her waist and holding her close to his side.
Taking the last step off the bus, a hand grabbed my arm and spun around quickly. Gasping in surprise, I realized who it was.
"Jesus, Christopher! You scared the shit out of me." Pulling my arm from his hand, I tried to slow my heart down.
"I'm sorry," he said, not looking at me. I knew it wasn't just for scaring me that he was apologizing. I'm not sure how, but I just did.
"Accepted," I said and turned back toward the restaurant. The urge to look back at him was strong, but I fought it.
I meant it when I accepted his apology. I just hope that he didn't think that he could resort back to everything like before.
Once back on the bus I noticed Christopher did not return with the rest of them. We continued to goof off during the trip until it got late in the evening. Elliott and Serena disappeared into the back bedroom. We could hear Elliott snoring after they quieted down. Laney headed back to her bunk to lie down shortly after Elliott and Serena moved. I looked at Jackson with raised eyebrows.
"What?" He asked me, fighting a smile.
I smirked and shook my head.
"Go get her, lover boy," I giggled quietly.
He smiled slyly before claiming a spot next to Laney.
Stretching out on the couch after grabbing my IPod, I looked over and saw Kat and Jimmy sharing an iPod and going through a Rolling Stone magazine. Closing my eyes I let sleep take over.
* * * * *
I hadn't planned to stay on the bus with them, but between Laney and Jackson, it had been a losing battle. It ended up being a pretty good time. They were right when they had said the girls were fun to hang out. It was also true that Mia was hilarious. Mia and Serena were trash talking the whole time they tried to guess the songs Laney was playing.
She hadn't looked at me once and I knew it was because of the argument. When we stopped to eat, I decided I would just clear the air. Worried about sleeping during the tour, I was being slightly selfish in hoping that apologizing would get her to help me again.
When I grabbed her, I unintentionally scared her and caused her to jump, but I couldn't explain the feeling that ripped through me when she yanked away from my touch. Do I disgust her that much?
I honestly meant the apology, even if I also had ulterior motives. She looked at me for a moment and then simply accepted. Then she walked away. She just fucking walked away and left me standing there. Again, the feeling in my chest didn't make sense. I was angry, but I wasn't.
Damn her!
I was stalking toward my bus when Nicholas stopped me.
"What's wrong?" He looked me over critically.
"Nothing," I quipped.
"Not hungry?"
"Nope," Snapping at him, I climbed onto the bus. I attempted to calm myself down before the bus pulled out again.
Once calmer, I decided grab some food and take it back to the bus. Waiting on my order, a hand slid down my side, resting on my hip. Looking down on my left side into familiar hazel eyes, she pouted her lips and batted her eyes.
"Can I help you?"
"You look so unhappy." Jess, one of the backup singers, leaned into my chest seductively. "I thought maybe I could help cheer you up." She smiled slyly to me and ran her hands over my chest.
"Here you go, honey." Turning around to the woman with the bright orange hair, she held my bag of take out. B
efore heading out the door I reached back, grabbing Jess's hand and pulling her along with me to the bus.
Climbing up the stairs, I saw the bus was empty. They were all still on the girls bus, so I had it all to myself. I smiled at that convenience.
"Do you want a drink?" I asked Jess without looking back at her.
"Sure."
She had made herself comfortable on the couch. Knowing how easy this was going to be, my thoughts of Mia dissolved into nothing. I don't need her help.
She took the drink I sat on the table in front of her. She drank, while I ate. She also talked. She talked excessively much. I prayed that the beers I kept giving her would just make her to pass out. Finally pushing my take out containers away, I pulled her to the back bedroom with me.
She giggled and climbed onto the bed. She started removing her clothes. I pulled her up onto her knees, facing her away from me. Pushing her hair away, I kissed where her neck met her shoulder. She moaned. Turning her back to face me, her lips attacked mine. She was a little sloppy, but it would do. She removed my shirt slowly and worked down to my pants. After they were unbuckled and pushed down to the floor she wrapped her mouth around me. Using both of my hands to regulate her movements, I had to keep myself aroused.
After I'd enough of her mouth, I pushed her back on the bed. Reaching for a condom from the side table, she giggled.
"Do you like it rough Chrissie?"
Ignoring the fact that she called me Chrissie, I shoved her legs apart.
She called out as I pushed forward. Her hands gripped shoulders and I buried my head into the pillow beside her head. Rhythmically moving, I tried to get off as quickly as possible. I felt the familiar knot building in me. My release was close. Bringing my thumb down to her, within a minute, she screamed out and dragged her nails down my back. I clenched my eyes shut and released. It was quick and easy, just the way I liked it.
Then why did something feel different, feel wrong?
Rolling off her and on to my side, I looked away from her bleached blond hair and overly made up face. Reached for the pill bottle next to the bed, I took two pills without water.
She curled up to my back and her breathing start to slow. She was about to fall asleep. It wasn't right. I could feel it already, the wrongness, but I wouldn't allow myself to admit it. Typically, I didn't let them stay, but maybe…just maybe….and then the pills slowly took me under.
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