Falling Stars

by Grubor, Sadie

  The hotel we were staying in had an amazing indoor pool. On the last day before the concert, I went and did a promotional radio meeting.

  No one said anything, but the looks were signs they knew something happened between Christopher and me. Serena's looks were the worst. She knew me too well and I feared she would solve the puzzle.

  After Florida, we traveled to Little Rock, AK and spent Halloween in New Orleans, LA. The New Orleans show was amazing and going through all the areas of New Orleans was heartbreaking and interesting at the same time.

  Halloween in New Orleans was something I would never forget. We all dressed up as ghouls and took Ry to the Boo at the Zoo event. On the way back to the hotel, we stopped to check out the Voodoo Music Experience in City Park. Amazing!

  Once Andrea had Ryan in bed for the night, we joined the Vampire Lestat Fanclub for their annual Queen of the Damned Ball. Laney was adamant we change into vampire costumes before we attended, so we spent thirty minutes just changing. We each picked a vampire costume from a different era.

  The music was great, the people amazing, and the Vampire themed alcohol was aplenty. Laney passed out Vampire Juice to everyone, but one attempt to sip at it and my stomach turned at the smell of tomato and horseradish. From that point forward, water was my choice of drink.

  Before we left New Orleans Una called a meeting where she informed us that the duet 'Broken' was number one on the charts and the single was already selling record amounts in online downloads. We were excited about the news, but a small part of me ached.

  "Mia," Una turned her attention to me. "Richard and the label want more collaboration."

  "You mean another duet with Christopher?"

  "Well, they would like for you two to work together on another song yes; however, they want this to be something that 'Hush' would typically perform. Richard has suggested Christopher be featured on your song this time, instead of you featured on his." She smiled at me. "Do you think this is something we can accomplish?"

  "Um…sure, but is it expected before the end of this tour? I mean –"

  "No no no, there really is no timeline for it though they would prefer you to have it sooner than later, but it would not be performed on this tour. We simply want to record and distribute for now."

  I nodded and we finished a few other things Una needed to discuss. Before leaving, she said one last thing.

  "Mia, I'll get with Nicholas and let him know about the collaboration. They'll probably want to schedule a meeting for you both to meet with Richard and so forth, ok?" I gave her thumbs up and she left.

  Our last night in New Orleans was a late one. Laney and Kat decided my mood was getting on their nerves, so I needed to get out. We hit a couple of clubs. One was a dance club that I wasn't in the mood for, but the jazz club was fantastic. They had open mic night and it was great.

  The travel to Jackson, MS was miserable. I spent most of the trip and first evening in Jackson nauseated and puking. Thankfully, I was feeling better by the time we left for Vegas and hoped no one else would catch it. I was tired of being the sick one on the tour. However, I held out ridiculous hope Chris would show up during my sick night. Unlike before, he didn't show up.

  * * * * *

  Saying I could easily forget that night was the biggest lie I would ever tell. It just hurt so much that she thought I was treating her like one of the 'groupies'. She wanted to pretend it didn't happen. Why? Did she really not want me that much?

  The memory of the night played in my head repeatedly. Alcohol had played a huge part in us being so unguarded, but the moment I was one with her I was also whole again. Being whole was something I hadn't felt in a long time. There was no way I couldn't just let go of it, and I sure as fuck couldn't be friends with her. I wanted more. But she didn't want me so I kept myself busy with tour related things and writing.

  It was hard to be close to her and not be with her, so hard my body became desperate in her presence. When I saw her swimming with Ryan in the Orlando hotel, it took every ounce of strength not to grab her 'caveman style' and drag her back to my room.

  During my latest session with Doctor J, in Jackson, MS, I started to place the connection with Mia. The doctor had started asking me questions about relationships. We started with the relationship between my mother and me. Then we moved on to Gwen and Nicholas.

  He helped me understand I was very 'soft' when it came to Gwen. After talking in some detail and length, I realized I cared for Gwen as a motherly figure, but not as a replacement. Nicholas was a different matter. I resented him and his life, while I had to suffer through hell. Similar feelings also seemed to apply to Jackson. I had a jealous streak when it came to Jackson and his relationships with Gwen, Nicholas, and honestly, anyone else we were around. It was easier for him to relate to others than it was for me.

  Having never looked at the way I felt about people in comparison to how I treated them it felt like weights coming off my shoulders five pounds at a time. The largest weight was when Doctor J brought up women in my life, girlfriends, lovers, friends.

  We discussed Stacia and Jessica, as well as a few nameless others. The mention of Stacia caused a flood of guilt. I'd heard nothing in regards to her since that night and could only assume Nicholas 'had taken care of' the situation. Doc saw my face and was quick to call me on it.

  "What's going on up there?" He motioned toward my head.

  I shook my head.

  "I can't help you if you don't talk to me about it."

  "It's just, well, Stacia…"

  "What about her?" He pressed when I paused.

  "I'm assuming Nicholas took care of it, but…" he nodded for me to continue, "I never apologized for hurting her."

  "And this is something that's bothering you?"

  I shrugged.

  "I guess. It's just that…Christ…it makes me just like that prick!" I growled out.

  "Just like who?"

  "Him," I growled.

  "Your step-father?" I nodded. "Christopher, you had no intention on hurting Stacia. You have 'issues' that needed and still need to be worked out. You're not Collin."

  "Then why do I feel like I am?" I snapped.

  "It's called guilt, Chris. You feel guilty for hurting her."

  I sighed and rubbed my rough hands over my face.

  "Perhaps you should talk with Nicholas about Stacia and make sure she's okay?"

  "I-I don't know," I lightly shook my head.

  "You know, by now you should realize that holding things in will only eat away at you."

  "I know, I know."

  "Okay, well, think about it. Let's keep going with your relationships. What about Mia?"

  Once he brought her up a knot, twinge, and a wave of happiness laced in tension swelled. He asked me to talk about the feelings and actions toward her. It was much harder than discussing the others. Then he asked me that damn all too familiar question.

  "Have you ever been in love with a woman?"

  I sat there unable to speak for a few moments. He waited patiently as my brain absorbed his question. My heart started rapidly firing off in pace. I looked up to his face.

  "What does it feel like?"

  He shook his head.

  "You would know it if you felt it; however, with your 'situation' I'll try to explain, though by no means is love something that can truly be defined in words." He smiled and leaned forward toward me.

  "Being in love with a woman can drive you crazy. She makes you feel like a great man, but can also bring you to a childlike state in a matter of one or two words. She can make you laugh when you want to cry, let you think you have all the power, but you know all that strength and power lie with her. You can see a forever with her just from her smile or a look, and sometimes you'll feel like you hate her for it."

  He lightly chuckled.

  "You'll never find anyone who can make you feel this way again, make you whole…" It was there my expression stopped him from finishing his explanation.


  I swallowed hard and my eyes widened in realization.

  "Christopher?" he said with a small smirk.

  "How long have you had it figured out?" I didn't take my hardened eyes off the coffee table in front of me.

  "Oh…I've assumed for a while now; however, it's not something someone can tell you. You have to discover it on your own for it to be genuine and real." He sat back smiling widely.

  "So this is what it feels like?"

  He nodded.

  "It kind of sucks, doesn't it?"

  Doctor J burst into a boisterous laugh.

  "Oh the student is learning so quickly," he calmed his laughter. "My boy…it will be the worst and the best thing you've ever realized." With that, he patted me on the back and excused himself from my room.

  I was such a fool. All this time I've been in love with Mia.

  * * * * *

  In Vegas, the stomach bug came back briefly, but dissipated. I convinced everyone to let me out of the room for a while. We decided to take a walk through the Vegas strip together. Bishop and Phillip objected to our very public stroll, but eventually they settled for tagging along.

  Cameramen followed us and randomly a question asked. Sometimes they got an answer, other times just smiles. When we passed an IHOP, I made them go into the restaurant. Fans stopped us to sign autographs and we posed for some pictures as well. The paparazzi bothered us some, but as long as we gave them a few shots and were cordial, they seemed not to stalk our every move. Our security team’s presence also deterred them from coming inside the restaurant. After we ate, we headed back out to the strip and visited a few different places.

  We were having a good time just us girls. We didn't get to do this as we used to, just shop and do normal things. On the way back to the hotel, we stopped in a store to grab some snack stuff. Bishop and Phillip stood at the entrance of the store to keep a close eye on those who entered the store. Kat headed straight for the Slurpee machine, Laney b-lined for the chip aisle hoping to find some vegetarian chips, and I went directly to the junk food aisle.

  "Oh, Mia," Kat sang coming around the aisle.

  "Yes, Kat," I sang back.

  "Look what I found," she tore open a large yellow bag. Smiling when I caught sight of the big red fish on front of the open yellow bag, she shoved the opening toward me.

  The smell filled my nostrils and I clasped one hand over my mouth. My stomach twisted and my body convulsed. My eyes searched around the store. When I located the restroom sign, I didn't hesitate. I barely made it to the toilet before IHOP made its encore presentation in a convenient store toilette.

  Washing out my mouth in the restroom sink, I looked up into the mirror above the sink. Serena's reflection was in the mirror.

  "Shit!" I turned around to her. "Don't do that!" She had a scowl on her face. "What?"

  "Those were Red Fish."

  "Really?" I exaggerated.

  "You love those things," she continued.

  "Thanks captain obvious," I laughed.

  "But they just made you sick" she furrowed her brow in confusion. "You've seemed really off lately too."

  "So what? You know this stomach bug has been –"

  "Yeah, but you’ve been sick a couple of times and then the fish made you sick enough to throw up?"

  "Yes mom, I puked. My stomach has been –"

  "Did you sleep with Christopher?" she asked blurted.

  "W-what?" I stood frozen trying to fight the blush encompassing my entire head.

  "You did!" She put her hand on her forehead. "Oh God, Mia!"

  "What?" I got defensive. "I didn't say we had sex."

  "It's written all over your face." She covered her face, but a muffled groan escaped around her fingers. "It was your birthday night when you two disappeared. Wasn't it, when he stormed out of our room, and stopped talking to you again?"

  "I'm old enough to have sex with whoever I want," I spat and narrowed my eyes on her. "No matter how much you like to play mom –"

  "Did you use a condom?"

  "What?"

  "Oh Christ, what if you're pregnant? Or worse, what if you caught something from him?" Our discussion was elevating to argument very quickly.

  "Are you out of your fucking mind? I'm not pregnant!"

  "You had sex. Did you use a condom?"

  I hesitated at her question.

  "I'll take that as a no." Venom dripped from her words. "Jesus Mia, you have all the symptoms."

  "You damn well know I'm on the pill! I've been on it since you got pregnant." We wore matching glares.

  "When was your last period?" She questioned like she had a medical degree.

  "A few weeks ago when I started the white pills, jerk!" I shot back.

  "You had a period?" I could tell she didn't believe me.

  "Yes," I shouted.

  "Shh! Calm down. Was it heavy?"

  "Oh. My. God! I'm not doing this. I had a period and I'm on the pill. I have the flu or something, let it go." Pushing by her, she grabbed my arm.

  "Since you're so sure, you won't mind taking a test for me," She challenged me with a raised eyebrow and a fake smile. I was about to argue with her, but she produced a white and blue box in an extended hand.

  "Are you fucking kidding me?"

  "You’ve been on antibiotics, Mia. They can completely mess up your pills." Serena pulled me back toward a stall. I stopped in place.

  "What?" I yelled, yanking my arm away from her. "No, I’m not—"

  She'd gone crazy. Did she really just carry those around in her back pocket or something?

  "I grabbed it on the way in here." I hated how she could read me.

  "Uh-huh," I eyed her skeptically.

  "Just do it, Mia," she shouted back. "Since you are so sure!"

  "Fine, Asshole!" I grabbed the box and went into the stall.

  Sitting there for what felt like forever, I obviously couldn't perform under pressure.

  "Are you done?"

  "Shut up, I can't pee!" I tried not to laugh too hard when I responded. Serena stifled her laugh as well. Part of me was glad the harsh words were over and we were getting back to acting like sisters again.

  Finally, I was able to perform.

  "Hand it to me," Serena ordered.

  "Ew! No." I shouted and fastened my pants. Reaching over, I grabbed the white stick off the top of the toilette paper holder. One pink line stared back at me. "What does one pink line mean?" I asked walking out.

  "That would be a negative," Serena exhaled in relief.

  "Ha, told you!" I handed over the stick to her and started a happy dance. "Whoot whoot. Mia 1 / Serena 0," I laughed.

  "Damn it, Mia, you didn't wait for the results line."

  I looked at her confused. "Huh?"

  "You were looking at the control line before the test was finished." She fell back against the wall looking at me with shock in her eyes.

  "What?" I reached down and grabbed the test. "What the hell is a control line?"

  Two dark pink lines taunted me from the little gray window. Fuck me!

  "Shit!" My eyes snapped up to Serena's face. Her eyes closed, head leaned against the wall. "What…How…I'm on the pill! I've been taking it every day. There has to be something wrong with this….go and get another one, a different one."

  "Mia –"

  "Go! Now!"

  She pushed off the wall and went back out to the store.

  When she returned I tore open the new box and went back to the stall.

  "That's the only other kind they have here." Serena informed in a sad tone.

  I tried to force myself to pee again, but I was getting nothing. A bottle of water appeared over the stall door. Pants around my knees, I stood up and grabbed it. Chugging the water, I waited. It felt like I sat on that damn toilet for hours before I could finally produce enough urine.

  I sat looking at the front of the test waiting for the result. Pregnant popped up in the little gray oval. Fuck, Fuck, Fuck Me! I’m pregnant. I�
��m pregnant with Christopher Mason's baby. Inner hooker packed up her bags and ducked out the side door.

  "Damn it!" I screamed.

  "What the hell is taking so long?" Kat exclaimed, bursting through the restroom door.

  "Yeah, what –?" Laney started.

  Then they both gasped in unison when their eyes shifted from Serena embracing me to the white sticks on the sink.

  Everyone walked back to the hotel in stunned silence. Kat collected the tests, so not to leave them behind for unwanted discovery. Serena had my right arm and Laney my left, helping me walk back. Bishop and Phillip stole curious glances. Despair wasn't strong enough of a word for the way I was feeling.

  Of course, we just had to pass Christopher and Elliott walking through the lobby. I couldn't look at either of them. Keeping my eyes forward, I began to walk faster.

  Shit! Can he tell? Of course, he can't tell. I've lost my mind. Maybe the tests are wrong. They aren't one hundred percent accurate.

  "What happened?" Elliott's eyes on me were like stun guns, but I refused to raise my eyes.

  "Nothing, she just isn't feeling well, again" Kat shrugged and kept walking me to the elevator.

  Christopher's curious look was the worst, but I ignored him too. There was no way I could look at him without breaking into a hysteric fit. It was straight to bed when we got to the hotel. Exhaustion crept up on me and I fell soundly asleep. I woke up with Serena lying next to me. I rolled over.

  "Hey," her eyes opened and looked at me.

  "You okay?" she smiled small.

  "I guess," I sat up. "I don't know what I'm going to do, Sis."

  A tear escaped my eye and slid down my face. I hadn't called her Sis since I was very, very young, but I felt like a small child right now.

  "Maybe it's wrong." The hopeful whisper of denial wasn't convincing to my own ears.

  Serena sat up next to me. "We'll get through this. I'll be there and you know Linda will be there for this baby just as she is for Ry. It will be –"