Coldness crept over my body, starting at my toes. Slowly the cold moved over my ankles, up my legs, though my abdomen and chest. The chill crawled through my arms from my fingertips. As the coldness took over my body started to twitch back to life. My jaw chattered my teeth together. I couldn't control the movements of my body. It was unsettling and panic became the forefront of my emotions.
Beeps caught my attention and I started to count them, which helped bring me out of the panic. The twitching intensified to an uncontrollable shake, my arms hitting the bed railings. Then a thought occurred in the midst of my frustration. My baby. Where was the baby? Was she okay? Was she with Christopher?
During my silent questioning spots of white started to appear. Slowly my eyes began to crack open, flinching from the harshness of the bright light. I turned my head to the side and saw a woman in blue scrubs standing next to me.
"Hey there," she smiled at me. "Finally awake I see."
Lifting my hand a little to shield my eyes, I felt a tug on my arm. The IV line attached to my arm was hooked on the bed railing. I tried to speak, but only coughed.
"Give yourself a minute honey." She lightly rubbed my arm. "Let me grab you a little water." She left my bedside, but returned quickly with a small white paper cup. She raised my head and held out the cup. I tried to reach for it, but my hands were still shaking too much.
"Here, let me help." She held the cup to my lips. I sipped.
"W-what happened?" She smiled down at me.
"There was a small complication, but everything is okay. I'm going –"
"What about the baby? Where is she? Is she okay? Where's Christopher?" The beeping of the monitor increased.
"Calm down. Everything is fine. I'm going to call for your doctor and let her know you're awake. I also want to get approval to give you something for your withdrawal." She rubbed my arm as she spoke.
"Withdrawal? Why –?"
"You're coming down from the anesthesia. It's common and completely normal for your body to react this way." She smiled. "I'll be right back."
The nurse left and my mind wandered to Christopher and our daughter. Why wouldn't she tell me what happened? She said everything was all right, but hell that's what they always say just to keep you calm.
The nurse returned and put a syringe into my IV line.
"This will help with the shaking." Then she threw a blue blanket over me and I instantly felt the warmth. "The warmed blanket will help with the chills." She smiled before she walked away.
I suddenly felt exhausted. Even though I had so many unanswered questions, I couldn't keep my eyes open. I fell back into darkness and dreams of a small baby wrapped in pink.
Not knowing how long I'd been asleep, I woke to the sound of voices around me. I blinked my eyes open slowly, trying to adjust to the bright light again. A white coat and blue scrubs stood next to the bed. The nurses' familiar voice sounded around me. Then my gaze shifted and there was my doctor.
"Well, I was wondering if you would wake while I was still here." She smiled and walked to the right side of my bed. "How are you feeling?"
"Groggy, confused," I groaned.
"All reasonable feelings," she chuckled.
"What happened? Where is my daughter? Where's Christopher?" The doctor cut me off in the middle of my question marathon.
"Calm down. I'm going to try and start from the beginning." I nodded eagerly. "Your contractions were strong, very strong. However, you weren't making any progress. During your heavy contractions the cord wrapped around the baby twice, which caused distress on the baby and you. You passed out during a strong contraction, so we had to rush you into the operating room so we could perform a cesarean section. We wanted to get the baby out as quickly as possible for both of your well beings." He took a deep breath and sighed loudly.
"During our attempts to get you moved to the operation room your boyfriend panicked and had a small issue." He stopped when he saw my eyes widen.
"Did he breakdown? Did he hurt anyone?" I grasped the bed railing tightly waiting for his answer.
"Yes he had a...a breakdown in the hallway. Family had to pull him from the room and keep him subdued." He hesitated again.
"Where is he?" I swallowed, hard.
"His doctor was called in and he was placed on another floor. I really cannot discuss anything else." I nodded, understanding.
"Where is my daughter?" Tears formed at the corners of my lids about to spill over.
"You need to understand that there was a lot of stress due to the situation –" The tears spilled onto my skin before he finished.
* * * * *
I groaned and blinked, blinked and groaned. The bright white light caused a sharp pain in my head.
"Shit."
"Christopher?" I blinked a few more times until I focused on Gwen's face. "Christopher?" she asked again.
"Where...what...?" Everything came crashing back on me all at once. "Mia?" I sat up quickly, but a wave of dizziness consumed me.
"Shh...Calm down...it's okay. She's fine." Gwen stood next to me now, holding me against her.
"Wh-what –?"
"Sweetheart you had a small –"
"I know what happened. Where's Mia?"
"She's in her room. She came out of recovery yesterday and is waiting on you." I sat up again and yanked the blanket back.
"Christopher! Get back in bed." I stood next to the bed and started to look for my clothes.
"Yesterday, how long have I been here? I need to go to her." I said sharply.
"No, you can't." I turned around to see her face. "You have to wait until the doctor's release you." She saw my confusion. "Christopher you were sedated for over 24 hours. We had a doctor admitted you into the hospital."
"Admitted? But –"
"You lost control." I saw a tear spill over her cheek.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean –"
"I know honey. We all know what caused it, but you have to wait. Doctor J will be here soon and then the doctor on duty will come around. If all goes well you'll be discharged by this afternoon." She moved around the bed to where I was standing and helped me sit back down into the bed.
"What happened?" I put my head into my hands. "Are they okay?"
Gwen sighed.
"Mia's in her room now and she's fine, sore and a little tired, but fine. She had to have a cesarean section." She saw my perplexed expression. "They had to cut the baby from her."
I flinched in horror of the image in my head. Gwen patted my knee.
"It's okay, it happens quite frequently dear." She took a deep breath and was about to speak when Doctor J entered the room.
"It's good to see you awake," he smiled brightly.
"Hey," I took the hand he held out and shook it.
"How are you feeling?" He stood against the wall in front of me.
"Okay, slightly confused."
"Those are all typical responses." He smiled.
Gwen excused herself from the room, kissing my cheek before she left.
"So, you think you're still 'better'?" he smirked.
"Okay, so I'm not as 'better' as I thought, but you have to admit I've made progress. At least give me that...come on." I grinned.
"Of course you've made progress, but you still need some help with resolving these anger issues. Stress brings it on and we still need to work on that, agreed?" He raised an eyebrow at me.
"Agreed," I answered and lay back onto the bed.
"Well, we're going to set up a new schedule for getting together as well as some other therapies. You agree to this and I'll sign off on your release." He didn't move one millimeter.
"Okay. Mia was going to make me –" Shit, Mia.
"Can I go now? I need to see her."
"I'll go see where the doctor is in his rotation. Stay." He ordered, knowing I was not above sneaking out of this room. I put my hands up in surrender false innocence. Moments later, Doctor J arrived with the attending.
"Let me run a few q
uick tests." He smiled and checked my temperature, blood pressure, reflexes, and my eye dilation. He held small talk with me while he performed his check up and looked over my chart.
"Well, Christopher, you seem to be in working order." He smiled to me. "I hear you have someone waiting for you on another floor." He smirked at me. "Let's get you out of here." He placed the chart back at the foot of my bed. "The nurse will be in shortly with your discharge orders and help you to get out of here."
"Thank you," I breathed in relief. I shook his hand and sat eagerly waiting for the nurse to come back.
"Have you seen her?"
"Yes," Doctor J answered. "She's fine and waiting for you to come down."
"No one will talk about the baby," anxiety pooled in my stomach, "Is she okay?"
"Mia has asked for me bring you to her." I could tell that that was all the response I would get. That had to mean something bad happened. "She also said to tell you, that you can only come see her if you promise to make your appointments with me."
I hadn’t lost Mia, but had we lost our daughter? I was suddenly full of panic and distress at the thought. Tears started to flow.
"Christopher?" Doctor J sounded concerned. "Christopher talk to me, talk through it."
I heard what he was saying, but it was just too hard. The thought of our daughter being gone, never being able to see her face or hold her, never being able to hear Mia sing to her made my heart wretch. The haze formed over my eyes and the humming started in my ears.
"Christopher, come on, you can do this." My bed shifted. I took fistfuls of blanket. "Tell me about it, let it out. Let it out...do it for her."
And that was all it took. I sobbed.
"What if I lost her? What if we lost our daughter? What...?" I sobbed and grabbed a fist full of his shirt. "I-I don't know what to do...what if –"
"Christopher," he grabbed my wrists. "Calm down. You haven't even talked to Mia yet. It's normal to feel all of these things, let them out." He scooted a little closer. "Remember the calming exercises you learned at the center, let's try one. Count with me."
We sat on my bed breathing and counting; eyes closed, eyes open. The haze dissipated slowly and my chest didn't feel like in was about to implode. As I was calming down, the nurse arrived. My emotions shifted over to anxiousness.
"Well, Mr. Mason, it looks like we're kicking you out of here today." She smiled and winked at me. "You have someone waiting on you I believe." I smiled at the mention of Mia.
"Yes, yes I do." My smile broadened.
"I need you to sign these papers for me." She handed me a clipboard and showed me the different places to sign. "Alright, you can change back into your things and then you are free to go sir."
"Thank you!" I practically jumped up in the air and clicked my damn heels.
Grabbing my clothes, I tossed them onto the bed. I turned around and saw Doctor J still sitting there with an amused expression on his face.
"You going to watch me take my clothes off?" I raised an eyebrow at him and smirked. "I mean, I know I'm quite the specimen..."
"No more please," Doctor J chuckled. "I swear to god you are so full of yourself." He laughed and left the room, closing the door behind him.
Once I was dressed, I practically ran out the door. Stopping me in my tracks was Nicholas, Jackson, and Doctor J.
"Son," Nicholas nodded and put his hand out to me. I took his hand and shook it.
"I'm sorry that –" I rubbed the back of my head. He stopped me before I finished my sentence.
"I think you're attendance has been requested." Nicholas smiled.
"Mia?" I questioned with eagerness.
"Yes, Bro, she's waiting for you." Jackson put his arm around me. We walked toward the elevators. "We told her we would come and spring you from the psych ward." He laughed.
"Jackson," Nicholas hissed.
"No, no, it's okay." I chuckled. "Thanks for springing the psycho."
"No problem." Jackson smiled large. We walked onto the elevator. I felt like I should say something to Jackson.
"Jackson, thanks for –"
"No, no. I don't need a thank you." He patted my back.
The elevator doors opened and I pushed past Jackson and Nicholas to get out.
"Slow down," Nicholas laughed softly as I rushed down the hall.
I saw Laney standing with a large smile outside of a door and that's where I went.
"She's been waiting for you." Laney hugged me tightly and kissed my cheek. I kissed her on her forehead before letting her go. Placing my hands on the doorframe of the closed door in front of me, I took a deep breath. This was it. The moment of truth about our daughter, that no one would talk about.
"Go on boy, she's waiting." Nicholas chuckled. I pushed the door open and entered the room.
The room was dim. I slowly walked toward the bed. The foot of the bed was the first thing I saw. As I got closer, I saw the small bump of Mia's feet and then the long length of her legs covered in a blanket. When I reached her head, I could see she was lying with her eyes closed and possibly sleeping.
It took everything in me not to rush to her and pull her into my arms. Instead, I stood there just watching her sleep. I leaned to the side thinking the wall was there; however, I missed by about two inches and ended up bumping into a table with wheels. There was a loud clang and a gasp. I looked up and saw Mia giggling quietly.
"What are you laughing at?" I grinned.
"You," she smiled. It was the best sight I could ask for.
"Are you okay?" I started toward her. She nodded. "What about Mia? What about the baby? No one will tell me anything and –"
"I wanted to be the one to tell you." She bit her lip. Moisture built in my eyes and I dropped my head. "Christopher, would you like to meet your daughter?"
I snapped my head up. Mia slipped her hands under a large bundle of white blanket and then cradles it in her arms. When the bundle moved and Mia shifted the blankets, I could see the soft pink skin.
Walking slowly closer I could see the top of her head and then the curve of her cheek. My tears of fear had replaced with tears of joy. More joy than I could ever imagine.
"Get over here!" Mia laughed.
I moved quicker and sat on the bed next to her. She handed the bundle out to me.
"I don't think I –"
"Oh, bullshit, put your arms out." Mia ordered and I did as she said. Placing the tiny warm bundle in my arms, my daughter made small grunting noises.
"Did I hurt her?" I panicked.
"No, she makes noises." She laughed. Looking over my arm, Mia stared down at her rosy cheeks and dark hair sticking out in all directions. "Tell daddy hi, Maggie."
I looked over at Mia who looked at me nervously.
"W-what did you call her?"
She swallowed hard.
"Umm...meet Margaret Ann Mason, you're daughter."
I couldn't believe she'd given her my mother's name. I was so thrilled I didn't know what to say or do.
"Y-you aren't upset are you?" She bit her lip nervously. Leaning over, I kissed her hard. Pulling away from the kiss and pressing my forehead to hers, I whispered.
"I couldn't be happier. Thank you." She exhaled in relief and smiled.
The nurse came in at one point to take Margaret, my daughter—I couldn't stop saying it, even in my own head—back to the nursery for her check up with the doctor. I rolled over and wrapped my arm around Mia.
"Owww," I jerked back when she gasped in pain. Her hands were clutching her stomach.
"What? What did I do?" I shot up and panicked.
"Watch my stomach." Then she unclenched her eyes and looked at my face. She patted the bed next to her. "You have to avoid my stomach area for awhile."
"Oh shit! I completely forgot. I'm sorry."
"Its fine, just be careful."
Lying back down, I took her hand in mine. Bringing it to my chest and holding it there. We lay there together for a while in comfortable silence when anot
her nurse appeared.
"Time for your check up."
"Do we have to?" Mia groaned. The nurse laughed.
"You need to move mister." She smiled at me. I got up.
"You may want to leave." Mia said in a warning tone.
"I've been away long enough. I'm not going anywhere."
"I warned you," she said as she lay back.
The nurse pulled down the blanket and lifted up the hospital gown. There was a large white bandage over her stomach, until the nurse moved it away. My eyes widened when I saw the swollen red line of skin. It was puffy and there were tiny clear strips about every half inch. Mia clearly caught my expression.
"I told you," she laughed.
"Shut up, I'm fine. I just didn't...expect that." I motioned toward her exposed stomach. She laughed again, flinching from discomfort.
After all the nurses and doctors had done their thing, we were back in bed together. With our daughter in Mia's arms, she nursed her. I lay on my side with my head in the palm of my left hand. The fingers of my right hand rubbed the side of Maggie's head while she fed.
I couldn't believe how amazing it was to watch Mia breastfeed our daughter. It was beautiful, unreal, and overall sexy as hell. I wasn't sure when I could or when Mia would even let me touch her again, but my body was aching.
The next afternoon I arrived back to Mia's room after getting showered and changing my clothes. I also had asked Jackson to stop and pick up some food on the way over. The hospital food was killing me.
"Oh my god, are those French fries?" Mia squealed in delight when I came in carrying the familiar food bags.
"Yes they are, but you aren't supposed to eat them." I scolded.
"You can't bring those in here and not let me eat them." She pouted.
"What about Maggie, huh? Do you want her to eat French fries?" I laughed.
"AhhGhh! Why did I let you sit in while the nutritionist went over the restrictions for breastfeeding?" She crossed her arms over her chest and scowled at me. "It's not fair that I have to carry the child, give birth, have the scars and the stretch marks, and now I can't even eat a French fry, while you do nothing."
I laughed and shook my head.
"Okay, I'll share my fries." I climbed on the bed next to her and handed over some fries.
Falling Stars Page 39