Precipice of Doubt

by Mardi Alexander

  “Friggin’ hell. This thirty page form is going to take me forever to fill out.” She felt the beginnings of an anxious sweat and wiped her brow with the back of her hand. She licked the salt from her lips and took a deep breath to steady her galloping heart.

  The kitchen table was the perfect place for her to set her laptop and spread out. Coffee was always readily available and a gentle breeze flowed in from the front door. But it was also the busiest area in the house as Pip came and went for snacks and phone calls, which made it hard to concentrate.

  She was vaguely aware that Pip was on the phone with Jodi, overhearing snippets of Pip’s responses and her laugh now and again.

  “Charlie?”

  “Hm?” Charlie tapped a few keys and downloaded the huge form into her immigration folder.

  “Did you hear what I just said?”

  “Uh-huh.” She scrolled to the bottom to see how many pages there were. Crap. Thirty-four. What a waste of paper.

  She felt a hard tapping on top of her head. She waved it away like a pesky fly. But it continued. She swatted at it hard and connected with Pip’s hand.

  “Ow!”

  “Sorry.” Charlie riffled through the personal papers that she kept in a plastic file.

  Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.

  Charlie looked up at Pip, annoyed and nearly out of patience. “What? Sweetheart, can’t you see I’m busy?” She located her résumé and set it down next to her laptop.

  “So you don’t want to hear about Jodi and Cole?”

  “What about them?” She scrolled back to the top of the laboriously long form and typed in her name and address.

  “I think they slept together.”

  “That’s nice.” Charlie rubbed her lip with her thumb. She raised her hands to begin typing again when the weight of what Pip had just said sank in. She looked up and stared at Pip. “Wait. Did I hear you right? They slept together?”

  Pip tittered. “Well, I can’t be sure, but Cole answered Jodi’s phone. It’s too early for them both to be at the clinic.”

  “There might have been an emergency.”

  Pip laughed. “I think the only urgent thing going on was satisfying their libido. Apparently Cole was blushing quite a lot.”

  Charlie shook her head in disbelief. “Holy hell. It’s about time. Cole has had the hots for Jodi for a while.”

  “What? You knew? Did Cole talk to you, too?”

  “No, I haven’t had a one-on-one chat with Cole in a while. But it’s quite obvious if you ask me. Cole hangs on every one of Jodi’s words and she has that look in her eye. You know, that soft expression you get when you look at me when you think no one is looking?” Charlie sighed. “I just don’t want either of them to get hurt.”

  “What do you mean? You don’t sound happy for them. I think what’s happened between the two of them is fantastic.”

  “I am, sweet. But let’s face it. Their timing probably isn’t the best. I just hope Jodi isn’t using Cole as a distraction for whatever is going on in her head professionally.”

  “But what if she is? What if this is what Jodi has needed all along? Support, someone who makes her feel loved. Hooking up with Cole might be just the thing to help her gain her confidence again.”

  Charlie pursed her lips in thought. “I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. I hope you’re right for their sake. You know, I only want what’s best for them.”

  Pip kissed Charlie on the head. “Aside from being the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known, you’re also the most genuine. And I love you for that.” She turned towards the door. “I’m going to feed the magpies. They should be awake by now.”

  “They’re sure not morning people, are they.”

  “Not when they’re young. I’ll leave you be. I’ll be out back if you need me.”

  “Do you have enough snacks in the prep room fridge?”

  “I’ll be fine, lovely. You just keep ploughing away on that application. It’ll be done and submitted soon enough.”

  Charlie took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. She smiled and nodded at Pip. “Love you, babe.”

  “Love you, too.”

  Charlie faintly heard the door slam. She was already focused on the computer screen.

  Monday morning. Typically Cole’s least favourite day of the week. She yawned while opening the shutters of the clinic and then turned the answering machine off. She checked the voicemail messages and took notes in between sips of strong black coffee. She was normally a tea drinker, but this morning deserved coffee. She had woken at four, made love again with Jodi, and by five thirty was showering and heading home to pick up some fresh clothes for work, leaving Jodi to go off to her early morning swim.

  She yawned again. She was dog-tired and would so love another day off. But happy. So much had happened in the last few days. Where their relationship was headed yet was anybody’s guess. Right now she was going with the flow, and it admittedly felt pretty damn good. Better than she had even hoped. She was, for the most part, happy, but a part of her brain clutched at a kernel of nervousness. Jodi was not only her boss. She was her best friend. And now her lover. So much more was now at stake since they’d crossed that line. She’d never intended it to happen, but here she was, sitting nestled between the devil and the deep blue sea.

  She took a breath and stretched to loosen up, attempting to shake the memories of the last forty-eight sensuously delicious hours into a safer place. It almost worked. Until a vision flashed before her eyes of Jodi, naked, serving up coffee in bed and feeding her croissants, one finger-licking mouthful at a time. She shivered and hit replay on the answering machine message.

  The back door opened and closed, and a wisp of nerves ran across her spine. She concentrated on taking notes off the answering machine as the footsteps came closer. When an arm snaked around her waist and pulled her in close, she hummed out loud, the aroma of soap and sea salt still fresh and lingering on Jodi’s skin. “I think I now know what summer smells like.”

  Jodi nuzzled her neck and shoulder line. “Mm. And what would that be?”

  Cole turned around slowly, took Jodi’s face in her hands, and kissed her warmly. “You.” She kissed Jodi again, simply because she could. Her doubts began to dissolve and settle just a little. They could do this. They just needed a plan. Cole straightened Jodi’s scrub top. “You ready for the day?”

  Jodi blanched ever so slightly and winced. “I don’t honestly know.”

  “All right.” Cole laced her hands behind her head. “Let’s just take it one step at a time. Several reports from pathology have come in—they’re on your desk. You have a litter of puppies coming in at nine for their six week health check and vaccinations, Harold the golden retriever coming in at half nine to have some lumps checked out, and a new client appointment at ten.”

  “Okay.”

  “One appointment at a time. And just remember, I’ll be there every second if you need me to be.”

  Jodi nodded, swallowing audibly. “Right.”

  “You go and check on your reports and I’ll bring you in a coffee.”

  “Thanks.”

  Cole watched Jodi shuffle off. A ball of nervousness took hold in her stomach. She briefly closed her eyes and took a calming breath. She had hoped, after the weekend, that maybe Jodi might feel better, more confident somehow. But in only a matter of moments, as soon as they started to talk work, Jodi’s demeanour changed and she became withdrawn and tentative.

  She mentally slapped herself. Who did she think she was that after one night—okay, a very long night…and most of the early morning hours really—she had made enough of a difference with Jodi that her previous insecurities could be erased?

  Stupid. Just plain stupid. And arrogant.

  She was ready to apply a full internal dressing down to her ego when the familiar moo of the surgery’s front door alarm announced itself. The owner of the puppies had arrived, with seven liver-coloured curly coated retrievers. She held a washing bask
et full of puppies in both hands and a lead with mum retriever looped around her wrist.

  “Sorry to be early, but quite frankly, they are busting the house down this morning. So I thought it better to be here than at home.”

  Cole plastered on one of her no problems expressions—the lady was technically half an hour early. Who knew? Perhaps the extra time would provide a much-needed catch up for them later in the day. She led them into the examination room and left them there to get settled while she summoned Jodi.

  She stood in the doorway and gazed across the room to where Jodi sat at her desk. A frown etched Jodi’s brow as she studied the path results while tapping a finger on the table. She scribbled some notes on a piece of paper.

  Cole cleared her throat. “Your coffee might be a bit delayed. Your first appointment is here.”

  “Oh.”

  “I’ve put them in the first room.”

  Jodi got up, straightened her shoulders, and tugged her scrub top straight. Her smile seemed forced. “Let’s go.”

  Cole rubbed her back as she passed on her way to the surgery, where seven bouncing mounds were rambling around, snuffling and yipping, leaping on the spot, and slip-sliding along the linoleum floor with the pure abandon that fat happy puppies exude in abundance.

  Jodi opened the door, only to have the chubbiest puppy run straight into her leg and tumble over. She picked it up and held it close to her face. “Well, hello there. Who do we have here?”

  Cole released the breath she’d been holding as Jodi cuddled and cooed softly at the puppy trying to eat her earlobe.

  “That’s Bonza.” The owner was visibly proud of her male pup. “I called him Bonza because, well, look at him. He’s the biggest boof head of the group. He really is a bonza lad.”

  Jodi lowered him to the examination tabletop. “Indeed you are, Bonza. So let’s start with you first, shall we?”

  Jodi made out a vaccination card for each puppy. She was the consummate professional as she palpated each puppy, listened to the their heart, looked at their teeth, into their ears and eyes, flexing and testing elbows and hips, and offering the full body scrutiny.

  Cole had drawn up a vaccination dose for each puppy. She doubted the owner noticed, but she certainly couldn’t mistake the tremor in Jodi’s hand at the first set of injections.

  With each pup assessed, Jodi now turned to the mother, examining her teats, checking temperature, and assessing her weight and condition. Seemingly satisfied, Jodi suggested a supplement be added to her diet to cater for the extra calcium being leached from her body by the pups.

  At the conclusion of the consultation, Jodi bid the owner and her hairy entourage farewell and left the billing and details up to Cole to finalize. Cole knew they had twenty minutes before the next appointment and silently watched as Jodi disappeared out the back as she held the door open for the puppies’ owner.

  When Cole followed in Jodi’s direction, she heard retching sounds coming from the bathroom before a toilet flush. She busied herself doing a drug cupboard stock take.

  Jodi emerged, pale faced, still wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

  “I left you your promised coffee on your desk. We have some time before the next patient.”

  “Thanks.” Jodi walked straight into her office and closed the door behind her, something she rarely ever did.

  Cole’s heart sat heavy. That had been an easy consultation and Jodi clearly struggled. She really didn’t know what else she could do to help her.

  She didn’t have long to ponder before Harold the golden retriever and his owner, Ellen, came in. Harold was getting on in years, and typical of his age and breed, had a history of throwing benign fatty cysts, particularly in his abdominal area. Ellen had made an appointment because a new lump had recently appeared on the base of his chest and it was growing fast. She thought it felt different to previous lumps.

  Cole showed them into the second examination room. Within a minute, Jodi entered the room, still pale faced but professional, smiling and greeting both dog and owner. She read the dog’s chart and conducted an exam. Quietly she pulled her stethoscope out of her ears and looped it around her neck, her fingers trailing through the dog’s blond hair.

  “Harold looks good enough, considering his age. His heart is good and lungs clear, but I agree, the lump feels more fixed than the previous ones. At the very least, it’s worth a biopsy and potentially a removal, given the speed of growth you’ve described.”

  Ellen took a visible steadying breath. “Okay. When can you do it?”

  “I’m afraid our anaesthetic machine is out of action. We’re waiting on a part to come from England, so we won’t be able to remove the lump here. I can refer you to Angourie or Maclean. It’s probably best if they do the test. That will help them determine how or what they need to do when the results come in.”

  Although Cole had her back to them, she did a mental double take. She was stunned at the lie Jodi had offered to avoid doing the surgery. She was so shocked, she barely registered Jodi and Ellen concluding the consultation and walking out.

  Cole didn’t have time to have a discussion with Jodi between clients coming in requesting flea treatments, worm tablets, and advice on microchipping. She had no sooner closed off the last inquiry account than a new client, Greg, walked in with Sophie, a standard poodle. Sophie had lost a leg in a car accident when she was two years old. Now seven, Greg was concerned about a lingering limp in her remaining hind leg since a tumble in the park several weeks earlier. Jodi had been highly recommended by Greg’s previous vet in Sydney.

  Cole fussed over Sophie and offered her some liver treats while Jodi read her records. Jodi sat on the floor with the poodle and undertook the physical exam at the dog’s level. Cole had seen her do this before, especially with animals who’d had long medical histories. Jodi’s aim was to help them feel less anxious throughout the examination process, while she obtained valuable facts and evidence.

  Sophie curled up in Jodi’s lap and allowed her to massage her scalp and neck. She extended her neck, eyes closed, and rested heavily into Jodi’s embrace, a study in complete comfort and pleasure.

  “I am not going to lie to you, Greg. Having read Sophie’s medical history, I think your concern is a reasonable one. The joint is loose, swollen, tender to the touch. I suspect she has a torn cruciate ligament in her knee. I would recommend further investigation, starting with some X-rays.”

  “If…” Greg swallowed audibly. “If it is, can you operate?”

  Jodi shook her head. “My advice is to wait and see what the X-rays tell us first. It may be a spur—a bone stress fragment related to the extra strain on the joint due to her amputation. I don’t think it’s worth jumping to conclusions just yet, but I think, given her background and her tumble, we do need to be cautious and prepared.”

  “But, if need be, you can do the operation here, right?”

  “No. Sorry. I’m afraid our anaesthetic machine is out of order and will be for some time while we wait for a part to come from America. In the meantime, Cole will refer you to the Angourie vet who will be more than happy to look after Sophie. She’s an excellent vet. I have no hesitation in recommending her for Sophie’s follow-up treatment.”

  “I was told you were the best in these parts. So I’m happy to trust your counsel.”

  “Thank you, Greg. I’ll call straight after our appointment and make sure you and Sophie are made a top priority.”

  “Thanks, Doc. I appreciate it.”

  “You’re more than welcome. It’s the least I can do, under the circumstances. And this consultation is on the house—on the proviso you and Sophie come back sometime soon and let me know how you’re going.”

  If Cole felt stunned at the previous consultation, she was left nearly speechless after this one. It didn’t take a genius to see that Jodi was doing everything in her power to avoid any form of surgery whatsoever, even to the point of giving free consultations to appease the clients for her lack
of full service.

  She went into the tea room and boiled the jug. While she mulled over the morning’s events, Jodi walked in. They each prepared their own beverage, wordlessly, and Cole poured hot water into both their cups. She handed Jodi hers while she removed the tea bag from her own and added milk. She leaned against the counter and studied Jodi.

  “So. This fictional part for the anaesthetic machine. Where exactly is it coming from again? England or America? And when exactly can we expect it to arrive, do you think?”

  Jodi glared at her, grabbed her coffee, and headed back into her office. She closed the door firmly on any reply Cole might have hoped for.

  Jodi sat down hard in her chair and set her cup next to her, ignoring the fact that it sloshed onto some lab reports. She rested her elbows on the desk and laid her head in her hands. What the hell was she doing? She was completely disgusted with herself. The excuses, the outright lies, and her treatment of Cole were inexcusable. Her clients would never know the real truth behind all of it. How she’d lost every ounce of confidence in herself. Truthfully, if Cole hadn’t been in the room with her, offering her strong, silent support, Jodi wasn’t sure she would’ve even gotten through the examinations without bolting. Just the memory made her sick to her stomach with doubt and abhorrence of her behaviour.

  Jodi sniffed and swallowed hard. Her throat burned and a sour tang rose into her mouth from the depths of her stomach. She sat up quickly, pulled the wastebasket closer, and dry-heaved over it. She broke into a cold, clammy sweat, and even though she was sitting, her knees felt weak and full of jelly. Jodi covered her ears, the incessant ringing becoming too loud. She bent over again, hyperventilating, unable to focus or gain some sort of control.

  Cole was there in an instant, rubbing her back and mumbling reassurances. Cole was always there. Jodi turned into Cole, pressed her head into Cole’s stomach, wrapped her arms around her, and sobbed. She cried until completely spent. She gave in to the exhaustion and let her arms drop to her sides. Cole hugged her close, still holding on tightly. Still supporting Jodi. Always. Her crutch. Her anchor. Her lover, who deserved so much better.