Deepest Scars: A Being Me Stand-Alone Companion Novel

by Tricia Copeland

  She spins to face me. “I got a table, you like?”

  “Yes, nice. Who helped you get it up here? I would have come by.”

  “Brad helped. It wasn’t hard.”

  We unpack the dinner and slide food onto plates.

  “Wait.” She jumps up as we’re about to dig in. Opening the cabinet, she produces a candle and lighter. “Classy, eh?”

  “Very.” I wink at her.

  Eating in silence for a few minutes, we discuss hating late meals. After we clean up, we take a walk on the path surrounding her complex. Back in the living room, I recline on the futon. “Is this the same futon you have in your room?”

  “This is my only futon.”

  “So, you move it in and out when you have company?” I point between the rooms.

  “Which is really only you.”

  “Where did your dad sleep?”

  She tucks one leg under the other. “He bought an air mattress.”

  “Well, I’ll help you move it back. I could loan you some money for a bed.”

  “Actually, I’ve saved enough money. I just have to figure out what I want.”

  In my head, I lean close to her and tell her I could help with that. But, we’re not there yet. “If you want help, I’m glad to come shopping with you.”

  “My dad said you’d say that.” She pulls her legs up onto the futon.

  “Oh, God.” I cover my eyes with my hand.

  “It’s okay.” She plies my fingers form my face. “You’re a guy. I’m a girl.” Unwinding her legs, she spins around and lifts them over mine.

  “Futons are cozy, though, don’t you think?” I press my lips to hers.

  She answers my kisses, and I slide my hands down her back to her bottom. The long kiss ends with three short ones.

  “We’ve never made out before.” I slide my finger over her lips.

  “Well, I mean there are first-date things, and second, and so on.”

  “I’m honored to have made it this far.” I close the distance between us and kiss her again.

  I keep my reactions in check as she smooths her hands down my back and laces her fingers through my hair. Every cue that I’ve gotten tells me she’s conservative. So, I’m going to wait for her to make the first moves, even if it drives me nuts. When she peppers kisses across my cheek to my ear, I pull away.

  “What’s wrong?” Her bottom lip sticks out, and I kiss it quickly.

  Swinging her legs from atop mine, I stand up. “Nothing. That felt really good, too good.” I pace away from her and back.

  Her face turns red. “Sorry.”

  “No.” I sit down beside her and stretch my arm around her back. “It’s a good thing, but intense.”

  “Yeah, I don’t want…” She tucks her hair behind her ears and shakes her head. “Nothing personal, I want to wait till I get married.”

  My mind screams. How is it that I’ve dated two girls, born on the same day, one year apart, that are virgins? Of course, nothing ever happened with me and Amanda.

  “We’re in this relationship together. I want it to be about honesty and comfort.”

  “And”—she stares into my eyes—“you would love to have sex.”

  I’m surprised she said the word, and a smile unconsciously spreads across my face. “Guys always want to have sex.” I run a finger down her nose. “But, it’s late, and I should go.”

  I hold out my hand. She takes it, and I pull her to a standing position.

  “I like you being here.” Fitting her fingers through my belt loops, she pulls me to her. “When can I see you again?”

  “I have Saturday and Sunday off, how about you?”

  “Same.” She kisses me.

  “Good.” I place my hands on her hips and back her away. “Let me help you get your futon in your room.”

  She takes one end, and I take the other. Her room is as bare as the living room, with only a stool for a nightstand.

  “Sad, isn’t it?” She points to the walls.

  “You’ll get there.” I take her hand as we walk back into the living room.

  I grab my bag and spin to face her. “This was really nice.”

  “Yeah, I liked it too.” She pushes to her toes and kisses me.

  “Okay, you have to stop.”

  Giggling her caroling laugh, she nods. “Got it, Saturday. Well, maybe Friday night.” A smile spreads across her face.

  “I like that idea. Goodnight.” I drop my bag and pull her to me, kissing her hard. Taking a step back, I reach for the door.

  “Goodnight.” She stands in the doorway, watching me walk away.

  Now that we’ve kissed, really kissed, all I can think about is the feel of her body, her skin on mine, her soft lips. Then, I think about how it may not be much more ever.

  The next two weeks, Liz and I are together at least every other day between hiking, biking, volleyball, and weekend dates. Thursday evening, we’re grilling on my patio when I see a call from Doug pop up on my phone. “Sorry.” I hold up the device. “It’s Doug.” I back to the railing and answer the call. “Hey, buddy.”

  “Hey, how are you?”

  “Good, you?”

  “Yeah, great. So, I sort of have a favor.”

  “Okay.” I roll my eyes at Liz as she motions for me to tell her what’s going on.

  “I sort of need my wingman. I’m catching a flight back to Chicago tomorrow, and I’d really like you to be there.”

  “What for?”

  “Come on, moral support. I’m making my big play. I’m going to find Amanda.”

  “When, where?”

  “I don’t know. My flight doesn’t get in till late, so I’ll miss the game and fraternity party. It will probably be eleven before I can get to Evanston.”

  “That doesn’t sound like much of a plan.”

  “It’s last minute, I know. But I can’t not see her on Homecoming.”

  “Homecoming. Right.” I roll my eyes again and spin away from Liz. “Dude, I thought you said you had a plan. Why aren’t you getting in earlier?”

  “You’re right. But it was the best I could do. I have a job I’m trying to wrap up here. Just tell me you can make it. I’ll even pay for your flight.”

  “Seriously?” Liz tugs on my arm, and I hold my index finger up asking her to wait a minute. “Hey Doug, can you make that two tickets?”

  “Really? You’re asking for two tickets?”

  “You’re the one who wants me there?”

  Liz glares at me.

  “Hold on.” I put the phone on mute. “Want to go to Northwestern Homecoming this weekend on Doug?”

  “What?” Liz’s eyes grow wide. “Sure! Why not! I’d love to meet your friends.”

  “We’d probably have to pay a visit to my family in Milwaukee too.”

  “Even better.” A smile spreads across her face.

  I unmute the phone, continuing my call with Doug. “Yep, we’re in.”

  “Who is we?” Doug asks.

  “Me and Liz. I’ll send you the info to book the flights. Can we leave tomorrow morning?”

  “You’re incredible.”

  “You want me there, right?”

  “Sure, fine, send me the info, I’ll email you the confirmation.”

  “Looking forward to seeing you.” I end the call.

  “We’re leaving in the morning?” Liz lifts a steak off the grill.

  “Better believe it.” I rub my hands together. “Probably not first class, but it’ll be good.”

  We’re at the airport by eight the next morning and in Chicago by noon. I’m under strict orders to not say anything to anyone about Doug. It’s awesome being back on campus and hanging out with Bill and the gang. We snag seats in the nose-bleed section for the game and then head to the fraternity house after.

  “Zack.” Amanda approaches. “No one told me you were coming.”

  “Last minute thing,” I tell her and introduce Liz. I notice Amanda doesn’t stay long at the house and wonder
if she’s dating someone. I’m not about to ask though.

  We hang out at the house for a while, then meet Doug downtown. Finding a parking deck, we snake up to the top before there’s an open spot. The streets below are packed with people, and Liz squeezes my hand and clutches my arm as we weave through the crowd. I point out the bar, and we head to the door. We circumvent the hostess booth.

  “Tell me again why he doesn’t call her?” Liz whispers as we make our way to the end of the bar.

  “It has to be a big thing.” I roll my eyes.

  “You made it. Thanks so much.” Doug shakes my hand. “Hi.” He turns to Liz. “I’m Doug. I think we spoke on the phone once.”

  “Yes, we did.” Liz smiles and accepts his handshake.

  I motion for Liz to take a seat between us and address Doug. “So, you have a plan? A speech? What’s the strategy?”

  “This would be the first Homecoming we’ve been apart in four years. I’m going to find her and tell her I’m back, for good.”

  “Do you even know if she’s single?”

  “I guess not.” He looks down at his drink and back up at me. “Did you go to the game? The house? Did you see her?”

  “Yeah, we only said hi. She wasn’t at the house long.” I flag the bartender. “She could be dating someone.”

  Doug’s phone dings as a waiter approaches. I order beers for Liz and me while Doug checks his messages.

  “Dang.” Doug taps on his phone. “No one has seen her since she left the house.”

  “Who have you tried?”

  “Only Bill. I don’t want her friends to tip her off.”

  “You mean you don’t want them running interference.” I shake my head and take a long swig from the bottle that’s in front of me.

  Liz’s eyes cut between me and Doug as she sips her beer. “Do you know if she’s going to be with this Bill guy?”

  I take a short sip of my beer. “Her and her friends will meet up with Bill.”

  “If she hasn’t adopted another friend group.” Doug shakes his head. “Let’s try another bar.”

  “We haven’t finished our drinks.”

  “Fine.” Doug shakes his head and focuses on the crowd.

  I tap his shoulder. “You can’t be in a bad mood. It’s only eleven.”

  “Sorry, you’re right.”

  He redirects the conversation to Liz while we finish our drinks.

  “So, what’s the plan?” I set my empty bottle on the counter.

  “Onward.” Doug points his finger in the air.

  Liz shakes her head. “This is really happening.”

  Walking to our next-best-guess bar, I summarize how Doug won Amanda from me. “Picture this, a racquetball court at nine a.m., romantic songs playing, and the guy professes his love for you.”

  “You’re kidding.” Liz looks between me and Doug.

  “True story.” I squeeze her hand.

  “That wasn’t my best one.”

  “Oh, yeah, the sail boat was good, and the puppy.”

  “Sail boats? Puppies? All I got was a country bar.”

  “That was fun. We had a great time. Are we keeping score?” I wrap my arm around her waist.

  “Something has to make this night less depressing.”

  Putting my finger to my lips, I make a shushing sound. I scour the crowd as we make our way through the space. The dancing hasn’t started so most people are hanging out at tables or at the bar.

  “It doesn’t matter. They’re not here.” Doug shakes his head.

  I lean towards Doug so he can hear me. “Who’s with Bill?”

  “Mark and Ross.”

  “And Lila and Ross are still together?”

  “Yeah.”

  “They’ll be there. We should hang out till they meet up with Bill.”

  “Or only Lila will show, and we’ll have no idea whether Amanda is coming out or not.” Doug’s mouth turns down.

  “And then you’ll call her tomorrow. Where’s she living?”

  “With Lila.”

  “See.” I motion to Doug. “You know where that is. We should get some food. You want food?” I ask Liz.

  “If we’re drinking more, then yes.”

  “I’m drinking more.” I raise my hand to catch the attention of the waitstaff.

  After some food and another drink, we head to another bar. All the while, Doug is texting with Bill, but there’s still no sign of Amanda. We play a game of pool at the next place and then darts at yet another club. We’re on our fifth try when dancing starts. I pull Liz to the dance floor.

  “Doug is really set on this, isn’t he?” Liz whispers in my ear.

  “Yes.” I nod as we sway to the beat. I’d prefer a slow song, but it’s way too early for that.

  My phone dings, and I pull it from my pocket.

  BILL SAID SHE JUST GOT THERE, Doug’s message reads.

  I look above the crowd and hold up one finger, signaling that we’ll finish the dance.

  “Showtime,” I whisper into Liz’s ear and hook my arm around her waist.

  “I feel like I’m on a bad reality TV show,” Liz yells to me above the noise.

  “Is it that bad? I feel like this is reflecting badly on me now.”

  “Actually, the opposite. It’s cool that you’d do this for your friend, even if it’s a little crazy.”

  “Did I hear crazy?” Doug asks as we reach him.

  “Did you? I didn’t say anything about crazy.” Liz turns to me, her white cheeks turning bright red.

  “It’s okay.” Doug hands us our jackets. “If I’m going to be crazy about something, it should be love. Let’s go.”

  We follow him outside. The cool night air feels good on my skin, and I take in a few deep breaths.

  Doug calls from up ahead. “Pick up the pace, guys.”

  I tighten my grip on Liz’s hand. “We’re being schooled.” In the bar, I catch sight of Bill, Mark and Holli, Jeremy, Stephen, and Ross huddled around a small table.

  Doug reaches them first.

  “You made it.” Bill slaps Doug on the back.

  Mark’s eyes cut to Doug, and Mark’s features freeze. Hands clenched into fists, he spins to face Doug. “What are you doing here?” He pops Bill on the chest. “You tell him we were here?”

  Bill shrugs. “He’s my friend. Look,” he motions to me, “Zack came too. It’s like the gang’s back together again.”

  Ross, Jeremy, and Stephen stand with their chests puffed out and shoulders squared behind Mark. Mark looks to the floor and back to Doug. Mark pokes a finger into Doug’s chest. “Does she know you’re coming? Did you call, or text, or anything? Does she want you here?”

  Eyes wide, Doug shakes his head. “I don’t know. I came back to see her, to try and get her back. I love her. I can’t let that go.”

  “Well, you were letting it go for the last six months. Why not now?”

  “I just want to see her, say hi, and I’ll be on my merry way.”

  Ross slaps Mark’s arm with the back of his hand. “Just let him be, Amanda’s stronger than you give her credit for. She always has been.”

  Mark backs down, and I introduce Liz to the rest of the gang.

  “Come on.” Doug taps me on the shoulder and points to the dance floor.

  Seeing Amanda and Lila near the stage, I shake my head. “Dude, do you need me anymore?”

  “I thought you wanted to dance.”

  “Fine.” I squeeze Liz’s hand. “Want to dance?”

  “Sure.” She waves to the others at the table. “Nice meeting you.”

  I follow behind Doug, and we inch our way to the band. The drummer hits the cymbal, and I realize that’s the end of the set.

  Doug stops, and I see Amanda frozen in front of him. Her eyes cut to me and back to Doug. Lila rams into Amanda pushing her into Doug. He takes her arms, stopping her fall. “You look hot.” He holds a water bottle out to her.

  I roll my eyes. I can’t believe he said, you look hot. That
was his line? What a loser. My friend is dead, the icon I knew in college lives no more. The head of the Greek Council, President of the Fraternity, President of the Student Body, gone, his psyche mutilated into someone I don’t know.

  “Oh. Wait. No.” Lila’s eyes cut to me, and she pokes a finger at Doug’s chest. “This isn’t about you. You’re not supposed to be here. This is a friend zone.” She twirls her hand in the air. “We’re having fun with our friends.”

  Beside me, Liz grabs my arm. “Insert drunk mother hen. This is a train wreck. I don’t think I can watch.”

  Looking to Amanda, I see her eyes are fixed on Doug. The light reflects off the tears pooling on her bottom lids. She blinks, and her jaw tenses. Her chin inches up.

  “It took us five bars to find you.” Doug motions to me.

  Amanda looks at me. Eyes wide, she swallows hard.

  I wave. “Hi. Surprise.”

  Lila inserts herself between Amanda and Doug. “Okay, this is the deal. You have until the next set, and then that’s it. Got it? Because this”—her index finger aims at Amanda—“is my friend.”

  “Got it.” A smile spreads across Doug’s face. And as fast as the king fell, he’s back on top.

  I wrap my arm around Liz and whisper in her ear. “Want to dance?”

  “Anything to get me away from here.”

  The band finished its set, but pre-recorded music starts. I recognize the Cold Play song from three years back and chuckle. I used to rule the world, it starts.

  “What’s funny?” Liz places one hand on my shoulder and one on my arm as we sway to the rhythm.

  “This song. It’s sort of Doug’s theme song. He was a god.” I tip my chin to the speakers.

  “No one is that amazing. But, I’ll bite, what happened?”

  “He had everything, president of the frat, Greek Council, student body, the girl. Then Zoey broke it off, and he didn’t care about any of it. He got lost. Amanda brought him back.”

  “I can’t believe you guys stayed friends through all of it.”

  “We’re more like family.” I tighten my grip on her waist.

  “I get it, sort of like me and my sister. So, it’s not weird being back here? Seeing Amanda?” Liz studies my eyes.

  “I thought it might be, but not really. It’s good to see everyone.”

  The song ends, and I lead her back to the group. We catch up for a few minutes. As Amanda and Doug approach, the group goes silent.